The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows (The Ghost & Mrs Muir Version)
by Daryl Wor
Summary: In episode 14 Willie Loomis returns to Collinwood. More surprises come, as well as Nurse Jackson revealing some wit;) There is both humour and gushy moments for our crew, counter-balanced by a fateful scene in which Willie expects more abuse when he confronts Barnabas about something. Meanwhile, Elizabeth & Roger have a pleasant chat while opening their mail.
1. Episode 1: Parapsychology

Thanks for keeping the torch alight for this lovely program! If it wasn't for Captain Daniel Gregg and Mrs. Muir this Multi-Fandom story I've been working on for over two years would likely never have finally gotten it's kick start by episode 4. Hope you enjoy it and let me know if you do.

_Condensed Re-write of "Dark Shadows", adding new characters along the way to help solve problems and lift curses. (Originally posted elsewhere 14 February 2012.) Begins post Maggie Evans kidnapping, and Willie Loomis going to Wyndcliff. A familiar Butler applies for work at The Old House and knows more than he will let on. (podcast available .com) (Let me know if you want to the info to which episodes apply to the different fandoms so if you want those specific bits I can tell you. I know it's gotten rather wildly Multi-fandom. Just leave a comment asking for which you'd like.)_

**And yes! We made it! You may now hear this story on iTunes! :)**

Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows: Episode One "Parasychology"

[Dark Shadows Intro Theme]

QUAVERING VOICE: My name is Victoria Winters…

2ND VOICE: (shrieking) EVIL! You are not Victoria Winters! You are none other than Manservant Hecubus!

HECUBUS: Yes, master. That is correct. I was trying to fool _everyone_!

2nd VOICE: And I? I am your host Sir Simon Milligan and this is the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. I'm sure you're wondering if I'm telling the truth since we've been demoted from television to radio but rest assured, it doesn't get any darker than this.

[glass shattering]

HECUBUS: Ooops!

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! My potion! You've knocked it over! I spent weeks brewing the perfect concoction! It would have enabled me to have a singing voice of operatic proportions!

HECUBUS: Well, master. If it wasn't so… * dark * in here, perhaps I would have avoided knocking it over.

MILLIGAN: I suppose I will overlook it, THIS time, seeing as it allows our viewers with the insight that we are indeed in the Pit of Ultimate Darkness.

HECUBUS: Yes, master!

MILLIGAN: Now… not to take the limelight from you, Hecubus, it is my sinister pleasure to introduce you to a very wicked and disturbing place called Collinsport. One of the most tragic, and demonic persons in the world has taken up residence there in the Old House of the Collinwood estate. His name is Barnabas Collins and he is truly a dear friend of mine… well, maybe not too dear… in fact, he could be considered an admired acquaintance, but once upon a time he and I were partners of a most ghastly deed.

HECUBUS: Weren't you partners in a round of Bridge, once?

MILLIGAN: Shhh!

HECUBUS: I believe the ghastly deed was… cheating, master.

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! …

[Dark Shadows theme music with crashing ocean waves]

MILLIGAN: Now, where was I? Oh, yes! Barnabas Collins. I would love to bore you with the details but they are so lengthy that it would take about 300 episodes to catch everyone up with the background and history of the Collins family and the town itself. Besides, the fact that you've tuned in means that you've checked your local listings and are already a fan of the story, or whatever version of it you know. The rest of you have merely tuned in at random and want a tale that will both keep you awake and put you to sleep. Fear not, you've come to the right station.

[Crash of thunder, sounds of pelting rain. A car is heard driving up and turning off its engine. A door opens and shuts. Footsteps are heard accompanied by light splashing. Then a hollow knocking is heard. A wolf howls in the distance and a door creaks open.]

BARNABAS: Yes?

DEEP BRITISH ACCENT: Hello. Would you be Barnabas Collins?

BARNABAS: Who wishes to know?

DEEP BRITISH ACCENT: I am here in answer to your advertisement for a valet. My name is Wadsworth.

BARNABAS: Oh! Yes, I received your letter just this morning-,er, evening- … _today_. Won't you come in?

[footsteps, door shutting]

BARNABAS: Let me take your hat and coat.

WADSWORTH: Thank you, sir. I hope it will be the last time you will tend to my needs.

BARNABAS: Impressive… won't you come this way? … and have a seat if you like.

WADSWORTH: I prefer to stand. It was a long drive, sir

BARNABAS: Of course. I am intrigued. It sounds as if you are eager to start by noting my hanging your things. I must admit I'm not accustomed to it. I only recently lost my last servant. Tragic circumstances, I'm afraid. I'm sure that won't happen in your case.

WADSWORTH: Tragic circumstances don't favour my bloodline. At least none that would lead me to Wyndcliff.

BARNABAS: Oh, you heard about Mr. Loomis?

WADSWORTH: I make it a point to go over the local newspapers both recent and weeks old.

BARNABAS: Then you have me at a disadvantage I'm sure. I only know you from your references, which I found most secure. Your services at Hill House were exemplary. Seems you took care of six people and… several deaths, or so I've heard…

WADSWORTH: You take me by surprise, Sir. I can speak of no deaths at Hill House while I was employed there.

BARNABAS: Are you sure there isn't something you ought to be telling me?

WADSWORTH: (quieter) Can you keep a secret?

BARNABAS: Yes.

WADSWORTH: So can I.

BARNABAS: (a low laugh) I will accept that as reference enough, my good man. Now, shall I show you about the house?

WADSWORTH: There is no need, sir. I've studied the layout.

BARNABAS: (flustered) Why… how on earth could you have-

WADSWORTH: Better Homes & Gardens, sir.

BARNABAS: (slight groan) oh, yes… * that * … most uncomfortable.

WADSWORTH: I'd presume it was most uncomfortable what with having to sleep in a double bass case.

BARNABAS: It certainly was—erm, sleep in a what?

WADWORTH: Shall I get strait to work, sir?

BARNABAS: Yes, of course. You're fine with the terms laid out, as in your letter?

WADSWORTH: Perfectly.

BARNABAS: Very well, I will excuse you to-

[knock at the door]

WADSWORTH: Allow me, sir.

[footsteps, door creaking]

ROGER: Hello, who are you?

WADSWORTH: I am Wadsworth, the butler.

ROGER: Oh? I had no idea Barnabas had hired anyone.

BARNABAS: It was only this very moment. Hello, Roger.

ROGER: Well he appears grand to say the least. A far cry from ol' Willie, isn't he?

WADSWORTH: That much is certain.

ROGER: Oh, did you know the beast?

WADSWORTH: Not at all.

ROGER: That's in your favour. You must have read about him.

WADSWORTH: I did. May I take your things?

ROGER: No need. I was about to ask you, Barnabas, if you'd investigate a slight disturbance at home. We seem to be having a problem.

BARNABAS: Oh?

ROGER: I know… when _aren't_ we having a problem?

…

MILLIGAN: And so, our two… heroes, plod their way to the main house of Collinwood.

…

[wind blowing, light rain]

ROGER: After you, Cousin Barnabas.

[door shutting, and then creaking open again]

MILLIGAN: (whispering) Hecubus, close the door for them!

[door closes]

BARNABAS: Well, it all seems as ornate and spotless as it normally is here.

ROGER: Oh, the problem isn't here or in the drawing room, it's in the kitchen.

BARNABAS: The kitchen?

ROGER: Yes, Barnabas, you know that place where food is stored and cooked? Or perhaps not, I hardly see you touch a morsel, it's a wonder you don't _blow away,_ my good man.

BARNABAS: Well, I… I know what _food_ is. I'm simply surprised that a man of your standing would encounter the need to enter the kitchen at all.

ROGER: Oh, yes. It's usually Elizabeth's specialty but with her in Bangor, I like to nose about once in a blue moon. This isn't the 18th century, you know.

BARNABAS: Certainly not!

ROGER: Ahem. This way.

[footsteps, door opening, empty tin can rolling and hitting the ground]

BARNABAS: What the deuce…?

ROGER: I know, you'd hardly recognize it with all the empty cans, the ice-box is completely empty minus the splashings of vegetation and dairy products that are stained on the walls.

BARNABAS: (thumps his cane down twice) Egad… the floor is all sticky as well.

ROGER: It is. Mrs. Johnson has taken to her bed from the _shock_ and I can hardly blame her.

BARNABAS: May I offer the attentions of Wadsworth to help her?

ROGER: Oh, that is kind of you, Barnabas, but it's the sort of mess that no one can clean.

BARNABAS: Oh, but I'm sure it can't be as bad as all that.

ROGER: No, really. Mrs. Johnson cleaned it twice, but it always returns as soon as she has it all straightened out and new supplies arranged. We've been forced to dine out most meals.

BARNABAS: I can see why. It looks as if some wild animal has ransacked the place. Has any other area of the house been affected?

ROGER: Not at all, only the kitchen and pantries. It's disastrous. Look at the wall there. It's saturated in what looks like gelatine! Have you seen anything so strange at the Old House, Barnabas?

BARNABAS: No, I'm happy to admit.

ROGER: Well, let's adjourn to the drawing room.

[footsteps and doors opening]

VICTORIA: Oh! Hello, Roger, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: (pleasantly) Ah, Miss Victoria, always a delight to see you.

VICTORIA: Thank you. I wish it were under pleasanter circumstances.

ROGER: Yes, indeed.

BARNABAS: The stress must be considerable, you do seem most agitated.

VICTORIA: I am.

ROGER: Well, why don't we all have a sherry, and calm down. Thank heavens for small favours, our _liquor_ hasn't been trifled with.

BARNABAS: It hasn't?

[liquid pouring sounds]

ROGER: Yes, isn't that peculiar? It's the only blessing I can see in this entire kitchen curse.

VICTORIA: (under her breath) He does take after Naomi Collins with that, doesn't he?

BARNABAS: (under his breath) Without a doubt.

ROGER: Mnnn? What are you two plotting so secretly? Is this some April Fool's prank you both have conspired together?

BARNABAS: Hardly, Roger. January is a bit early in the year for that and I can't even imagine what could cause that slime on the walls.

VICTORIA: Yes, it's that that has me so worried. It's so unearthly.

ROGER: Gelatine is always disturbing whether on a wall or on a plate. I find it incomprehensible as a source of nutrition.

VICTORIA: Well, I, * groan*

BARNABAS: What is it, Miss Winters?

VICTORIA: Oh, nothing just…

MILLIGAN: (whispering) Hecubus! Get the microphone higher, it's in her way!

VICTORIA: David has been going on about the disturbance.

ROGER: Oh, really?

VICTORIA: Yes, he says that he knows what's doing it but I can't make out exactly what his explanation means.

ROGER: Hmm, that doesn't surprise me. He keeps seeing things and claiming odd beliefs. It's a wonder he goes on crying _"werewolf"_ with all his promises not to deceive us or go to the old house. If I hadn't been so lenient a jolly _smattering_ would have made him resist such ravings. NOW I've got a son more melancholy than Roderick Usher! (sarcastically) What a delight…

BARNABAS: How did he describe what he knew, Victoria?

VICTORIA: Well, that it was something short and green and floating.

ROGER: Amazing! Are we to be bombarded with Leprechauns that have an appetite for our larder?

BARNABAS: (pensive) A green being… that floats.

VICTORIA: I've been wondering if someone should stalk the kitchen in the middle of the night to be certain.

ROGER: Oh, who will you find to do that?

VICTORIA: Burke said he would.

BARNABAS: Burke?

ROGER: And his mighty mountain of machismo… that's an excellent idea. Why not?

…

*HECUBUS: Ah! What a messy pile of goo. Perhaps they will find out what it is that's plastered on the walls and who put it there? We return our vampire of oh so many woes to his home, where he finds his new servant making himself useful in the quarters of his excessively desired Josette.

…

BARNABAS: I see. Found my little sanctuary, have you?

WADSWORTH: I suppose Mr. Loomis wasn't so thorough with the mothballs in this young ladies room.

BARNABAS: (nervous tension) Well, perhaps he didn't have… _time_ to be.

WADSWORTH: I gather that, sir.

BARNABAS: (usual suspenseful distrust) Oh? Do you have a… _suspicion _to express or shall I simply… _quiet _it?

WADSWORTH: (laughing) Oh no, that won't be necessary. You see I've had some experience moving a Mr… _Boddy_ …

BARNABAS: (pleased) Well, _well! _Then perhaps you'd like to help with a little _experiment_ we'd been working on.

WADSWORTH: Perhaps. Would your lovely lady on the wall have anything to do with it?

BARNABAS: (falters) Oh dear… _Grim_ problems there.

WADSWORTH: (smilingly) And don't I _know_ it?

BARNABAS: Oh? Yes? _Do_ tell. You have your own troubles as a paramour?

WADSWORTH: Ah… no. But I do understand your lovely waitress has returned to her own employment.

BARNABAS: (pricked) Waitress? I'm not sure I require _daft _staff. I'm talking about _her_ in the portrait.

WADSWORTH: Yes, sir. So am I.

BARNABAS: (annoyed) That _must_ have been one _glowing_ account of this place in that magazine article. Too bad I threw it away in a fit of angst.

WADSWORTH: Understandably. But I think the photograph they took of you gave me a _clue_.

BARNABAS: What? How could you—

WADSWORTH: It didn't come out very well, did it?

BARNABAS: Who exactly _are_ you?

WADSWORTH: I told you, sir. Wadsworth. Butler, valet and _not_ daft staff as you have said.

BARNABAS: (vaguely sarcastic) Is Clever Man on the list as well?

WADSWORTH: If you say the word.

BARNABAS: All right… _"The Word"._

WADSWORTH: Ah… now I'm clever.

BARNABAS: I see… with your arrival we're likely in for some humour. We could use a bit of that around here.

WADSWORTH: Indeed and perhaps a little drama… now onto romance…

…

*MILLIGAN: Ah, what does this new element to The Old House have up his sleeve? I suppose we'll find out! Hence forth, for some of the residents at the main house, meals are taken in various other sections of town, and Burke arrives at Collinwood with three strangers. Carolyn answers the door.

CAROLYN: Oh, Burke. Victoria's is not here.

BURKE: That's all right. I've been expected. I thought the whole family was out to dinner?

CAROLYN: Not _me_, the portions at restaurants are so huge I pretty much had my lunch & dinner at once. Who do you have with you?

BURKE: Shall we come in to be introduced.

CAROLYN: Of Course.

MILLIGAN: The crew steps in.

BURKE: This is Marty, Ryan, and Dr. Lesh. I went to the University of Maine and found Dr. Lesh lecturing on incidents of the paranormal.

CAROLYN: Paranormal?

BURKE: Yes, you could hardly say what's happened in that kitchen as just plain normal.

CAROLYN: [sneering] So you took the liberty of inviting ghost-hunters to Collinwood? Why am I not surprised? Well, I suppose I should show you into the kitchen.

DR. LESH: Don't worry, Miss Stoddard, we actually work to eliminate the possibilities of anything like ghosts. We're hoping to find natural causes to problems like this.

CAROLYN: That's a relief, Dr. Lesh. Thank you. This way.

[Footsteps and a door opening]

MARTY: Ewalllggh…

RYAN: That's n-a-sty!

DR. LESH: Getting anything on the reader, Ryan?

RYAN: Hell, yeah. The Jets just beat the Colts 16 to 7!

DR. LESH: Ryan, turn off the radio. Investigate the kitchen.

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile Marty leaves the room to be sick in the lavatory.

RYAN: (studiously) This is just about off the scale for the residual elements but there's no current movement. Hold on… I'm picking up something coming from another room.

[Sound of ruckus and running footsteps. Panting.]

MARTY: (terrified) Dr. Lesh! Something came out of the toilet, it chased me.

DR. LESH: Where did it go?

MARTY: Down the hall.

[Many footsteps shuffling out to the front door.]

BURKE: [stage whisper] Everyone, stand back! There it is.

CAROLYN: Oh, what IS it doing?

RYAN: Hope you weren't too attached to the flower arrangement.

DR. LESH: This is completely beyond me. I can't imagine that floating green creature could ever have been remotely human. It must be _para-natural_.

RYAN: The P.K.E. monitor is about to explode!

[Sound of front door opening and footsteps.]

ROGER: What the DEVIL IS _THAT_?

DAVID: See, I told you it was real! I couldn't make something like that up.

GREEN GHOST: (high squawky voice): David! Do you have any more yummies for me? Slimer needs yummies!

DAVID: No! Not again! No! Don't try and hug me!

CAROLYN: David!

DAVID: AHHHHHHHH!

…

MILLIGAN: And now that you're on the edge of your seat let's turn our attention to THE COFFEE SHOP!

[bell ringing, door shutting]

BARNABAS: Hello, Maggie.

MAGGIE: (tired smile) Why, Barnabas Collins? Hello! What a surprise. I never thought I'd see you here again.

BARNABAS: Well I _wanted_ to come but I needed a little suggesting, you could say.

MAGGIE: Oh? You'll have to tell me about that. But I was sure I just locked that door.

BARNABAS: (mysteriously) Oh… don't worry. I just locked it myself.

MAGGIE: You always seem to catch me on my way out the door.

BARNABAS: Yes, I have an uncanny knack for knowing when you've left a pot on the hot plate, too.

MAGGIE: (shifts) So, I did! Isn't that funny? Well, I don't mind. I plan on being up a while anyway. Have a seat, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: Thank you.

[chair skid, clinking of cups, saucers, and liquid pouring]

MAGGIE: And again, I'll join you. [chair squeaking] So how is the Old House coming along? Enjoying that distressed look from the curling wallpaper?

BARNABAS: (laughs) Oh, no. It's been some time since hanging new paper. Most of the old furniture has been upholstered again though I couldn't bear to part with most of the original fabrics.

MAGGIE: (slyly) And Wadsworth?

BARNABAS: How did you know about him?

MAGGIE: Don't look so worried. He was in the other night before it started raining. He claimed to want directions to Collinwood, but I think he was simply putting in an appearance.

BARNABAS: Well, that would make sense. He was well versed with the house, mentioned picking up the local newspaper. He probably knew this town would be more comfortable having seen him than having to speculate on who he was.

MAGGIE: That's true. They'll manage to gossip it up regardless but we won't have to concern ourselves with Mildred Mayhem coming up with grandiose notions of… oh, him being a cross-dresser or something.

BARNABAS: (back-slurp, coughs) My word! Hardly that!

MAGGIE: Fresh cup?

BARNABAS: Please!

[Clinking, liquid pouring]

BARNABAS: (delicately) How have you been, Maggie? Are you feeling better?

MAGGIE: Oh, yes. Thank you! In fact it's nice to see… _everyone_ again… now. And Pop's not cooping me up anymore, thank heavens! Pacing rooms isn't exactly my favourite past time and laying around gets… _old_ after a while.

BARNABAS: I _certainly_ know what you mean when it comes to an _extended_ lie down.

MAGGIE: So… what suggestion did you need to clack that stick of yours back in here?

BARNABAS: Clack that…? You _do_ have a way with phrases. As it so happens I'd been meaning to see you again for quite a while but I wasn't sure you were ready for it. So, since I have managed to hire this new help, he let me know you were back at work and that perhaps you might want some company again.

MAGGIE: Sounds like a pleasant fellow. And I definitely _did_ want more company! Pop and Joe sure have gotten _bossy_ since I came back. I can't really blame them but I got fed up with it.

BARNABAS: (somewhat sensuously) Yes… I understand about being strictly commanded. And I've been learning the receiver doesn't have much recourse for defense at times.

MAGGIE: (knowingly) Ah, I know you've been talking with Dr. Hoffman, too. The (*cough*) historian.

BARNABAS: (pleased) Ah, I suppose you knew about that ploy from the beginning.

MAGGIE: Didn't I? Anyone else at Collinwood figure it out yet?

BARNABAS: Not sure… but they likely suspect. Then again the family history is rather interesting. I do admire Miss Winters for her enthusiasm over it.

MAGGIE: An orphan? Of _course_ she would. But as for being bossed around, how about that Doctor? Does that have anything to do with it? She _is_ a persuasive woman.

BARNABAS: Indeed! Perhaps there's something in that, but there might be a headstrong element on both our parts.

MAGGIE: Well I've got mine, too. I can recognize _that_ trait … I think she's just obsessed with you looking so much like that portrait. I know_ I've_ been… well, I think that's gone around a bit… So, I saw Roger, David, and sometimes Carolyn going by in town a lot lately. It's gathered they're hitting every upper crust restaurant from here to Penobscot County.

BARNABAS: And not here?

MAGGIE: Oh, no and I can't blame them. We're so common we don't even have a name. Just Coffee Shop.

BARNABAS: (smiling) Well, not too common for me, particularly the waitress.

MAGGIE: Oh, go on!

BARNABAS: No, really-

MAGGIE: I know, I said, _go on_. Continue.

BARNABAS: (romantically) Ah, your sparkling eyes, how they so constantly dance, your ruby lips, and your flowing bed-quilt skirt. Your brilliant lashes. Your McCall dress patterns.

MAGGIE: (coughs into her cup) You're terrible! Did you sneak a drop of _brandy_ in your cup?

BARNABAS: (aghast) Maggie Evans, who do you think I am? _Roger?_

MAGGIE: Oh, no… no. That'd be far more than a _drop_, so I hear.

BARNABAS: (laughing) True, true… As delightful as this is, I must take my leave.

MAGGIE: Oh, so soon?

BARNABAS: Soon? { I've been here over a page now.}

MAGGIE: But I wanted to know why the family has been going out so much?

BARNABAS: Oh, that [starting to leave] the cook is on holiday and Mrs. Johnson is ill.

MAGGIE: Oh, dear. Should I stop around and see her? She's such a nice lady.

BARNABAS: NO-…thank you. I hear it's um… quite contagious. Nothing to fret over, but precautions are being taken and food preparation was out of the question.

MAGGIE: Oh… of course.

BARNABAS: Oh, don't mind me, I'll see my way out.

MAGGIE: Come again, sometime.

BARNABAS: (slight surprise) Do you mean that, Maggie?

MAGGIE: Yes. Absolutely. It's refreshing after the same-old-same-old. Besides, you seem like an old friend now… (softly hypnotized) something… familiar…

BARNABAS: Good Evening…

MAGGIE: Good night.

[bell rings, door shuts, sounds of light wind and crickets]

BARNABAS: (light gasp) Wadsworth? You _certainly_ get around. I was going for a long walk. What are you doing here so soon?

WADSWORTH: I've come to fetch you, sir.

BARNABAS: Whatever for?

WADSWORTH: There was quite a ruckus. Mister Collins asked me to look for you. His car is this way.

BARNABAS: Very well.

[car door shutting, engine starting, car driving away, engine noise becomes muffled, nails tapping on metal]

BARNABAS: So, Wadsworth. How do you take to Collinsport?

WADSWORTH: As what, sir?

BARNABAS: Oh, I suppose I wonder at your perspective as an outsider, it being all new to you.

WADSWORTH: I find it satisfactory. Pleasant ocean views, quaint seaside homes, plenty of space. Now, how did your encounter turn out?

BARNABAS: I must confess far better and less embarrassing than I expected.

WADSWORTH: Well, I suppose she's come through all the hostility of her kidnapping with the same glowing warmth, sir. I suppose what with that doctor dangling a medallion in her face, which could do the trick on anyone.

BARNABAS: I see. Tell me… how much do you really know about this place?

WADSWORTH: Enough, sir, enough. And if you're wondering… I have a _penchant_ for discovering what people do and why. I used to explain it all out but found it didn't always go over so well. A series of events with so many people upon a single homestead is _quite confusing_, even when spelled out.

BARNABAS: Another fine reference for you to come here.

WADSWORTH: True, sir. Now how did those compliments we devised turn out?

BARNABAS: I must admit she took them well. I thought she'd stare dumbfounded… but strangely enough… she _laughed_.

WADSWORTH: (assured) It always helps. Any _untoward_ desires, sir?

BARNABAS: (snorts) Oddly not. Though I wonder why you wish to repair such a friendship?

WADSWORTH: Ah, sir. I think you will find her _far_ more familiar than simply in her looks. Haven't you ever liked her for _herself_?

BARNABAS: (contemplative) I see what you mean. I have had some trouble with that for a while.

…

MILLIGAN: Little do they notice the hulking van that's sped in the other direction, nor the 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor following close behind it bearing the license plate: Ecto-1. It has often been suggested to me that citizens of Collinsport have no peripheral vision.

…

BARNABAS: My! Weren't they going fast? Anyway, Wadsworth… Too much excitement?

WADSWORTH: No, sir. I'm accustomed to handling a variety of inconveniences.

BARNABAS: Such as this one?

WADSWORTH: Oh, yes. Just pulled into the area when I heard a dreadful racket out the window. Lots of screaming, nothing out of the ordinary _for me_, sir. I halted and got out then went strait to the Main House. As luck would have it, the doors were wide open, Mister Collins was in a daze. When he saw me he handed me the keys, pointed to this auto and requested I bring you back with me when you were found. I didn't take my time. Mister Collins was out of sorts, sir.

BARNABAS: Did he say anything else?

WADSWORTH: Not at all.

[engine slows, wind blows slightly, car door opens, gravel crunches, door shuts]

BARNABAS: Roger? Roger?

ROGER: Oh, Barnabas. I see your valet is no idler. I think you've managed to miss most of the trouble. (calls out) Very good, Wadsworth, you may park in the garage!

BARNABAS: What's happened here?

ROGER: Well, Burke brought in a trio of parapsychologists to investigate the kitchen. David, Victoria and I walked in, then this thing I can only believe to exist against my better judgment, was engulfing the _flowers _on the foyer table! Next it came at David, practically went _through_ him! Suddenly David was drenched in vile gelatine. With a mouth and tongue that size I can only presume it expectorated all over him as it flew through the doorway passing us. Victoria saw to David and I rushed out to follow it.

BARNABAS: GOOD HEAVENS! What did it do then?

ROGER: Well, it was easy to see in such a bright green coat, almost _glowing_, it was. I ordered it to stop, but it kept waving its arms and hollering some name, like Jean, or Nina or Janine. Soon enough it reached a lady in the road with a scowl on her face standing beside an old ambulance. Three or four other men in greasy boiler suit overalls with large guns of some kind were standing behind her. When I saw the guns I immediately stopped and just stood there wondering if they were going to shoot at me. Thankfully, all that happened after that was the whole lot of them climbing into the ambulance and speeding away.

BARNABAS: FRIGHTFUL! Completely unheard of. How is David now?

ROGER: Oh, Victoria got him in to the bathtub right quick! Though I'm sure we'll all need a month of _showers_ to get over this!

BARNABAS: What do you aim to do?

ROGER: I'm at my wits end here. Call the police? The FBI? The Pentagon?

BARNABAS: Well… I wouldn't… erm…

WADSWORTH: (stepping up) If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion?

ROGER: Mnn? Oh, yes. I'm open to nearly anything at this point. It's all so damned confounding.

WADSWORTH: I believe it was an escaped patient from Wyndcliff Sanatorium. Why else would an ambulance have come to collect him?

ROGER: … do you seriously wish me to believe that?

WADSWORTH: Of course, sir. The woman must have been his psychologist, and the other men were orderlies.

ROGER: (incredulous)With GUNS?

WADSWORTH: Oh, yes, the guns are incentive for the few less… predictable patients that reside there. I'm sure they didn't want to cause more fuss than you'd already encountered, sir.

BARNABAS: Well, Wadsworth, what makes you so certain of this explanation?

WADSWORTH: What other answer can there be? Sir. (click of heels, steps moving away)

ROGER: Well, Barnabas. Heh, ah, I do envy you.

BARNABAS: Me?

ROGER: Of course! I never have half the luck you do in hiring staff.

BARNABAS: Ah, you do realise, Roger, that I've had _both_ extremes when it comes to luck.

ROGER: Yes. Now, if you wouldn't mind keeping me company, I believe I'll have a sherry.

BARNABAS: I will gladly keep you company, Roger. In fact, I think I'll join you in a sherry… or perhaps we might… split the whole decanter?

[footsteps moving away in the gravel, two doors squeaking shut, wind blowing, then "Shake, Rattle & Roll" by Haley & His Comets plays as ending credits]

END OF EPISODE ONE

All due respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

Poltergeist film

Ghostbusters film and The Real Ghostbusters cartoon

And, of course

Dark Shadows (1960s TV show)

_Please review! The more we hear what's good about each other, the more we get in return. ^_^_


	2. Episode 2: Chamber Pots & Coffee Pots

_Summary:_

_Our hosts brief us with what is left out of this Re-write, as Victoria Winters returns from 1795 in the NECK of time. Much unfortunate delving into 18th century lack of restrooms, as well as a strange effect the Collinsport coffee seems to have on the Evans abode. Dr. Hoffman deals and receives many wise-cracks, as well as helping out Carolyn._

_ Meanwhile, even as Wadsworth encourages this risky relationship with the post-kidnapped Maggie, he also takes a moment to confront Barnabas as to his past transgressions over his victims, such as Willie Loomis, making significant comparisons to help him see even practical reasons not to take such abusive action towards people._

_ Still, Cassandra has a unique way of shooting her cupids arrow at Roger Collins, as he angrily answers the phone in the dead of night._

Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows: Episode Two "Chamber Pots & Coffee Cups"

[Pit Of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Good evening and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan. Listen… listen… _listen_… to my voice, and _know_ that _to_ listen to my voice is to listen to the voice of **evil…**

HECUBUS: YELLO!

MILLIGAN: AH! (gasps and regains composure) Manservant Hecubus, ladies and gentleman.

HECUBUS: I am ready to serve you master. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Satan!

MILLIGAN: (whispering) evil!

HECUBUS: (snickering)

MILLIGAN: It has come to my attention that we've presented only a smidgen of evil updates on this program. Too many lovely things have been happening.

HECUBUS: That is terrible, Master. What kinds of things?

MILLIGAN: Well, to bring out listeners up to snuff there was the demise of Jason Maguire, before our first episode. That was far too lovely to be believed. Then of course, our poor Miss Winters was sadly devastated over the passing of her odd engagement choice, Burke Devlin… and yes I know. What a beautifully evil last name he had.

HECUBUS: Ah, yes, Master. What a left bummer!

MILLIGAN: And then there was the experiment as Dr. Hoffman tried to turn Mr. Vampire Collins into a normal man. This went significantly foul as he ended up becoming the true age he might be if he was mortal.

HECUBUS: Aren't you skipping ahead, Master? Aren't you giving away spoilers to those just tuned in?

MILLIGAN: Yes! And that's a little evil.

HECUBUS: (sing-song) Yes, a little tiny pathetic little—

MILLIGAN: (sing-song) little bit of evil! SHHH! Now!

HECUBUS: (whispering) Yes, Master?

MILLIGAN: There are still updates to make in this episode. As an intensely crusty version of a once elegant vampire was getting over the distress, our Carolyn Stoddard wandered in to discover his coffin and was aggrieved to become his victim. However, this was lucky, as her scintillating hemoglobin seemed to give him a true cure for the false one he let himself in for. He was certainly pleased to halt the endurance of excessive medication he needed to keep going at all.

HECUBUS: My, that's a lot of skipping Master, are you sure we aren't ready for a peep yet?

MILLIGAN: Well considering the television show this story is based on is over twelve-hundred episodes in length, and well over six-hundred hours long, give or take commercials, we do have to work on some augmenting.

HECUBUS: But what about Barnabas Collins new butler? How does he fit into all this?

MILLIGAN: Well, I suppose he's mostly shaking his head and putting up with it, unfortunately. But he's a tough old chap. We can still expect better things to come. For some reason that we cannot recall, many residents of the estate began a séance for the sake of David Collins troubles. This somehow helped Victoria Winters fall into 1795 and much was learned about why Barnabas Collins became a vampire as well as a lot of other destructive problems throughout another effusive ninety-four episodes or about 39 hours of television watching if you want to get technical.

HECUBUS: And THEN we knew our sweetness…

MILLIGAN: Yes… the woman of total cruelty, the lady with all the tarot cards alight! Our most evil and beloved ANGELIQUE! At last! I've been _waiting_ to drool over this mistress of the deepest dark! Although, it'll be another episode of OUR show until we get a good look at her. Still… I'm miffed… why didn't she pick ME? I wouldn't mind being a vampire for _her_. I've got what it takes. I'm both evil AND polite! What is it my old bridge partner has that I haven't got?

HECUBUS: Yes, p-l-e-a-s-e, our most evil temptress… just have dinner with him! He's desperate for a date and I'd like a night off once in a while!

MILLIGAN: But we must press on until that possibility occurs. We enter the house at Collinwood, a séance is in progress… or rather the tail end of one.

ELIZABETH: Victoria, are you all right?

VICTORIA: (distressed) No! Would you be if you were being hanged on the gallows in accusation of being a witch in the 1795? Oh, those ropes! I'll never wear a turtleneck again!

ROGER: Dreadful idea, this entire séance! Dreadful idea!

BARNABAS: Yes, horrible idea. Whose was it? Why are you all staring at me like that?

ELIZABETH: Makes no sense to me, as it was my idea.

VICTORIA: BURKE? Where's Burke?

CAROLYN: Oh, dear. Must we explain to her all over again that he died in a plane crash?

VICTORIA: Peter! Where's Peter?

CAROLYN: _Now_, who is she talking about?

ELIZABETH: Could be someone from the foundling home for all I know.

VICTORIA: And the scarecrow! Where is he?

CAROLYN: Now I'm really lost!

ELIZABETH: That one has just _got_ to be from a book she read.

ROGER: Hardly the girl to comfort you when the shutters creak. I told you.

ELIZABETH: Roger! We don't need your acerbic remarks we need a doctor.

JULIA HOFFMAN: I'm a doctor.

ROGER: Mnn, will wonders never cease?

BARNABAS: Not bloody likely.

ROGER: Hmm, that's the most English thing I've heard you say since you _arrived_ from England.

HOFFMAN: Can we all please calm down?

ELIZABETH: Yes, let's all calm down and let what's-her-name use her doctorate.

[feet shuffling noises, doors opening, gentle sighs]

ROGER: Brandy, anyone?

ELIZABETH: By all means.

BARNABAS: No, thank you.

[liquid pouring]

ROGER: (sarcastically) Well, that was an excellent idea. A true unveiling of my son's problems.

ELIZABETH: I didn't want it to sit, Roger, I'm sorry. It seemed a better idea than simply sending him away to a boarding school or hospital.

ROGER: You know, I thought our problems were fairly standard before Miss Winters came to stay here. Since she arrived it is as though we create twice as many problems when we attempt to solve _one_.

ELIZABETH: Well, I'm grateful that another green blob isn't at the root of it all. That's solved enough for me.

BARNABAS: Cousin Elizabeth, we did establish it was merely an asylum patient in a green coat.

ELIZABETH: Ah, I know I wasn't here for it but I shan't believe that.

ROGER: I saw the beastly creature and I'm satisfied it was a patient.

CAROLYN: I saw it too, Uncle Roger, and I hardly believe the idea that a floating green monster that wreaks havoc on the kitchen, eats flowers, and attacks David was a patient from Wyndcliff.

ROGER: I don't care what it was, I'm just grateful that it's gone, has been for a month now, and I don't need a séance to put my mind to rest about that. (bonking noise) OUCH!

MILLIGAN: (whispering) Hecubus, get the microphone higher…

HECUBUS: (whispering) Sorry, Master.

HOFFMAN: I've given Miss Winters a sedative.

ROGER: Don't suppose you've got any more in that bag of yours?

HOFFMAN: I think what you've got in that glass is sedative enough for you.

ROGER: (gulps) Indeed. I think I'll pour another.

ELIZABETH: I'll help Miss Winters up to her room.

CAROLYN: I'll come too, Mother.

BARNABAS: I'll help, as well.

ROGER: (sarcastically) Oh, why don't WE ALL go up?

ELIZABETH: Goodness, what is this, a slumber party? Please, Barnabas, show Dr. Hoffman to the library. Mrs. Johnson laid out the coffee and it must be nearly cooled off by now.

MILLIGAN: And so the three ladies go up the stairs to Victoria Winters bedroom whilst Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman adjourn to this library we've never heard of.

[coffee pouring]

BARNABAS: So, shall I start in on the dreaded Dr. Woodard topic and how responsible you were for it?

HOFFMAN: (sarcastically) Oh, you r-e-a-l-l-y know how to show a girl a good time, Barnabas. Have a biscuit. (crunching) So, from what I gather in the family diaries there was all sorts of visitors during the time Vicky claims to have gone back in time.

BARNABAS: Yes, indeed. Poor Ben never got a wink of sleep, nor did I.

HOFFMAN: Yes, digging all those graves, poor fellow.

BARNABAS: Oh, yes, well, and digging other... things...

HOFFMAN: Oh?

BARNABAS: Yes... all those chamber pots, night in night out.

HOFFMAN: (sputter) Chamber pots?

BARNABAS: Well you didn't think we had those pretty little lavatories you so elegantly flush on a whim, did you? Oh, no! Plenty of digging OUTSIDE the cemetery went on back then with all those guests. The whole place simply reeked; I can't tell you the softness of general odour that exists in this day and age. You ought to be grateful.

HOFFMAN: I AM! Thank you for mentioning it!

BARNABAS: No charge. I was wondering...

HOFFMAN: Yes?

BARNABAS: If you would like to go to the pictures tomorrow night?

HOFFMAN: What? Oh, please, if you want to see "Mad Monster Party" you can go by yourself. With all the supernatural ruckus around here I don't see why you need to watch a _movie_ about it! Don't you care at all about what has happened with Vicky or Phyllis Wick?

BARNABAS: Well... I suppose... but frankly all the excitement has worn me out, entirely. I think I'll have another cup.

HOFFMAN: Why bother? It's only Postum.

BARNABUS: *splutter*

HOFFMAN: (smilingly) Fooled ya.

...

MILLIGAN: As the night wore on, Carolyn and Mrs. Stoddard prepare the grieving Miss Winters to her chamber.

VICTORIA: (groggy) Oh, Peter, where is he?

CAROLYN: Mother, I'm a little worried.

ELIZABETH: So am I. Let's tuck her in.

CAROLYN: I don't think, well, what I mean is, if she really believes she was living in 1795, well...

ELIZABETH: What?

CAROLYN: (whispering) Maybe we should leave a chamber pot under her bed?

ELIZABETH: Don't be ridiculous.

CAROLYN: It's not ridiculous. It's practical.

ELIZABETH: I know, because there already is a chamber pot under the bed.

CAROLYN: Mother? There is?

ELIZABETH: Yes, _would you like to check?_

CAROLYN: *shuddering* No!

ELIZABETH: Neither do I. That's why it's there. Roger showed it to me when we were children to scare me and frankly it still does.

CAROLYN: (pondering) I wonder if there's one under my bed... or David's?

ELIZABETH: I used to wonder the same thing when I was your age. And you know what? **I still do.** I don't look under there for any reason. When old map makers found unknown territories of land they didn't know what to do with they wrote "Here be dragons". As far as I'm concerned, under the bed, there be worse things.

VICTORIA: (moans)

CAROLYN: Vicky, would you like some water?

VICTORIA: Oh... is it clean?

CAROLYN: Clean? Why would...? Oh, yes, it's clean. (pours water from pitcher into glass)

VICTORIA: When I came back, I saw something...

["All The Time In The World" by Russel Garcia's "The Time Machine" Soundtrack plays in the background]

ELIZABETH: Now, don't you worry about that, my dear.

VICTORIA: It didn't make any sense. There was a man... and he was sitting in a machine with a jewelled lever in front of him and a great spinning disk at the back.

CAROLYN: That **is** strange. Did he do anything?

VICTORIA: (drinks water and pauses) He looked more surprised to see me than I was to see him.

ELIZABETH: Here, I'll put that glass down and you go right to sleep, Victoria. You look exhausted.

...

HECUBUS: Meanwhile, Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman have returned to the foyer to say goodnight to Roger.

ROGER: Hmm? Going off so soon, you two?

BARNABAS: It's nearly one in the morning, Roger.

ROGER: I know. _You_ usually don't retire until _dawn._

BARNABAS: (slight snicker) Well, I suppose you could call me a Night Owl, Roger, except...

HOFFMAN: Except since most owls are up at night anyway saying Night Owl is completely redundant?

ROGER: Exactly. I suppose you're both off again to the Old House.

HOFFMAN: Well, I don't know, I suppose I ought to.

ROGER: But for that little something you're not telling us, eh, Doctor?

[Roger exits.]

BARNABAS: (sneering) I thought, so, Dr. Hoffman. You don't like my valet.

HOFFMAN: Oh, Wadsworth? He's all right, I guess... but...

BARNABAS: Ye-e-esss?

HOFFMAN: He's continually fiddling with my laboratory and bringing down odd ingredients that I don't need.

BARNABAS: Well, I must admit, I thought the extra order of CO2 was a tad on the excessive side.

HOFFMAN: Oh, no, I ordered that... what? Don't look at me like that. I _like_ dry ice, it helps me to concentrate. We should be on our way.

[Shuffling of coats, door creaks open, footsteps, door shuts.]

MILLIGAN: Wadsworth, currently in the laboratory at the Old House, is drafting a potion... wait... that, that looks like MY potion! What's he doing with MY potion? How did he get the formula?

HECUBUS: *hic*

MILLIGAN: (exasperated) Hecubus! You didn't! You couldn't! You destroyed my potion in the last installment!

HECUBUS: No, master. Of course it's not your potion... I wouldn't have... made a **switch** or anything like that.

MILLIGAN: (whispering) EVIL!

WADSWORTH: (GULP) Hmmm, hmmm (hums musically, then sings) _I'm forever blowing bubbles! Pretty bubbles in the air! They fly so high, nearly reach the sky, then like my dreams, they fade and die. Fortune's always hiding. I've looked everywhere, I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air._

[clapping]

HOFFMAN: (mocking) Oh, do go on, you singing fool! How wonderful. Why don't you join a barbershop quartet and leave this ghastly house?

WADSWORTH: (indignant) Madam... I can think of only one ghastly thing currently in this house.

HOFFMAN: Oh? Do tell me, Wadsworth, maybe I can get _it_ to vacate the premises?

WADSWORTH: Ah, no, madam. Allow me.

HOFFMAN: AHH! What are you doing? Put me down!

WADSWORTH: (climbing steps) Madam, I am merely keeping the house tidy. Now, if you would please stop struggling. Up we go to the front hall.

BARNABAS: Oh, Wadsworth, I see you have things taken care of, as usual. Having fun, Doctor?

HOFFMAN: Barnabas, tell him to put me down!

BARNABAS: My dear, you can see he's only doing his job.

HOFFMAN: Barnabas, if you don't have him put me down right now, you can forget about my finishing the experiment!

BARNABAS: Oh, but I already have.

HOFFMAN: What?

BARNABAS: You see, Julia, after seeing that you have so little regard for the help I hire and keeping this place ship shape, your various threats over the weeks and your little visits to the Gumshoe Peterson in his law office, I've decided it may be simpler to hire another doctor... and dispose of you.

[sound of needle skidding off record]

MILLIGAN: What? He can't do that! That's not in the script!

HECUBUS: (snickers)

HOFFMAN: I can't believe it!

BARNABAS: (smilingly) Fooled you, didn't I? Wadsworth, put her down.

[shuffling]

HOFFMAN: (huffy) _Well!_

BARNABAS: You hardly thought I'd let you get away with that _Postum_ joke, did you?

WADSWORTH: I wouldn't have.

HOFFMAN: All this fuss over a coffee substitute? For pete's sake!

BRADFORD: Yes? Someone called me?

MILLIGAN: No! Too soon! You go away! Forget that you're Peter Bradford!

BRADFORD: Will do!

HECUBUS: Master! You are evil! I always wondered how he lost his memory.

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! Shh!

HOFFMAN: I've had it with you all! I'm off to bed. (slam)

BARNABAS: That was quite an interesting feat. I have a hard time believing you really had much concern over my choking her so much.

WADSWORTH: (discerning) Sir… that choking business is very serious. My picking her up and getting her up the stairs? That was just plain funny.

BARNABAS: (laughing) All right, yes… it was.

WADSWORTH: (relieved) Sir? I've made an effort to clean your staring window if you'd like to make use of it.

[steps]

BARNABAS: (floaty then perturbed) A-h-h, yes… erm… what?

WADSWORTH: The one you used to use to bring your young lady to remember you?

BARNABAS: What _are_ you talking about?

WADSWORTH: (laughing) Don't try to fool _me_, sir. I told you I know enough.

BARNABAS: (irritable) Then _explain_ it.

WADSWORTH: Well, here for the beauty of a darkened-teal sky and wispy curtains. The lattice frame is solid and what do you usually think of when you look out of it?

BARNABAS: (floaty again) Oh, yes... M-A-G-G-I-E

...

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, at the Evans abode.

MAGGIE: Mmm? Hmm? Oh! Why can't I sleep? That dream, it's troubling me again. But is it a dream? I was somewhere so close but so far away, like another place, but it looked like here, like... a different... time...

SAM: Maggie? Are you all right?

MAGGIE: Pop? Yes, Pop. I'm all right.

SAM: Coffee's on the perk if you want some.

MAGGIE: Well, why not? I might as well. I can't sleep anyway. I do wonder why.

[shuffles around, sounds of padding footsteps and couch creaks]

SAM: I've had trouble with that as well. Keep tossing and turning, my nerves are jangled.

(clinking of porcelain)

MAGGIE: Me, too. I keep drinking cup after cup of coffee all day and I just can't seem to relax.

SAM: Exactly, I keep on brewing the stuff and it doesn't make any difference. I keep getting more and more fidgety. Then I tried some of the coffee at the Blue Whale. And that didn't help either. (jovially) Should put some whiskey in it, maybe.

MAGGIE: Time enough for that... Pop?

SAM: What?

MAGGIE: Did you ever finish that portrait Mr. Collins wanted?

SAM: Oh, ages ago. I was considering going 'round to see him, though I'm not sure why. It's awfully late.

MAGGIE: I'll go with you.

SAM: What, just like that?

MAGGIE: Well, not until I've finished this cup, anyway.

...

MILLIGAN: Back at the Old House.

WADSWORTH: Well, now that you've managed to summon her again, perhaps you could do a little explaining while we wait.

BARNABAS: Oh?

WADSWORTH: A few things, sir. I suppose it is just as well that I give her these earrings.

BARNABAS: You already said you were going to.

WADSWORTH: But do you understand _why_, sir?

BARNABAS: Of course. They were Josette's and likely belong to someone who resembles her anyway. It's not a worry to me if you insist.

WADSWORTH: No… it is because you never _forced_ her to see them or _wear_ them.

BARNABAS: And what does that mean?

WADSWORTH: It means **all** that is in her may form an associative memory with something that has no other troubling memory clouded over it, sir.

BARNABAS: I see. (intense curiousity) Why do you want this?

WADSWORTH: Well you are my employer, sir. And I do wish that, as such, he has what he desires… but peaceably and not forcibly, if you catch my meaning.

BARNABAS: If you could do that…

WADSWORTH: It would be good, sir?

BARNABAS: No… it would be.. spectacular. Any other unbelievable questions before she arrives?

WADSWORTH: Well, as I've spent some time polishing silver, there is one bit I was interested in.

BARNABAS: Oh… my cane? How is that compelling to question me about?

WADSWORTH: I think there is a little evidence of Mr. Loomis… _on it_. Care to make a comment, sir?

BARNABAS: (annoyed) You don't know enough. You know too much.

WADWORTH: Well you might calm yourself when you realize I have your better interests in mind. I understand that he may not have been the most superior underling in the course of matters, but have you considered that he was already rather abused to begin with?

BARNABAS: … a… a bit.

WADSWORTH: See anything similar in yourself there, sir?

BARNABAS: (regretfully) Oh… yes. I'm afraid I do.

WADSWORTH: Yes. So rather than concern yourself with him writing memoirs to betray you, don't you think you might have put some credit in his way?

BARNABAS: All right… _how?_

WADSWORTH: Well, you will have to come to terms with the fact that, though he was accused of kidnapping Maggie Evans, it wasn't really him… alone… was it?

BARNABAS: (growly) Are you trying to catch me out somehow or are you just queer all around?

WADSWORTH: Thank you for saying it the old fashioned way, sir. It's been a while since I've heard it. But no, I wouldn't keep your mind on the same lady if I felt she was in any real harm… again.

BARNABAS: And what type of harm do you expect from me?

WADSWORTH: Well, the cane, sir. Got a little carried away with something that is meant to help carry _you_, yes?

BARNABAS: All right. What difference does that make?

WADSWORTH: Well, beating servants is rather an old concept, you see. You want to make sure you don't give yourself away with how much age you really have acquired, do you?

BARNABAS: Oh? You mean I shouldn't just withhold my anger for the sake of others?

WADSWORTH: That would be a better reason… but what with your history, I wasn't sure you would find it as practical. The practical reasons appeal to people more.

BARNABAS: (usual superior assumption of absurd suggestion) Astounding… you _do_ have a way of expressing things, Wadsworth. Suppose, now that I've given Miss Winters the music box, that I should take it away and try giving it to Miss Evans again?

WADSWORTH: No. But I believe you ought not to pursue Miss Winters again.

BARNABAS: (haughty) Oh? And _why is_ that?

WADSWORTH: Well, although many generations connection may dispel any real worry over relationships, I still think she is a little _too close_ for comfort in your regard.

BARNABAS: What do you mean? Do you know something about Miss Winters that would make her… family?

WADSWORTH: I only know it's a stronger possibility than anyone realizes. I have been to the main house and seen enough from Mrs. Stoddard to know that she suspects a connection; a very _strong_ connection, sir.

BARNABAS: (somewhat sadly) Cousin Elizabeth… that is an awkward thing to carry…

WADSWORTH: Yes… and it might be nice for you to take off that hypnotizing spell over your Cousin Carolyn, sir. I'm sure the kind of awkwardness of being so close to a relative isn't all that light on her shoulders either.

...

MILLIGAN: Ah… sometimes the butler really _does_ do it! And now that Doctor Huff-man… ooops, Doctor Hoffman, has had her_ huff_ and come back to the main house for a snooze, she won't really get one. As Carolyn needs to interrogate her via Barnabas's request… but then she magically and thankfully loses interest in doing so.

[door opening]

CAROLYN: Dr. Hoffman?

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Oh… you… hmm… trying to win a battle for your cousin again? Maybe you should stop sneaking around Peterson's office for my notebook and just let it **be** for once?

CAROLYN: (softly) You know, I think I can now… though I'm not sure why.

HOFFMAN: (annoyed) Oh? _That_ sounds like a trick.

CAROLYN: No, really, can we just talk?

HOFFMAN: (incredulous) In the middle of the night? Why not? Don't suppose you brought any cookies to this pajama party. (sighs) Very well… it is _your _house after all.

CAROLYN: I just thought you might give me some solution to feeling rather unwell. You are a doctor after all.

HOFFMAN: I'm actually a histor- … oh nevermind… what's the ailment?

CAROLYN: Well, I'd definitely quit bothering you if I wasn't so submerged in Barnabas' own hypnosis, of course. But more to the point, I feel pretty sea-sick having gotten such a piercing hickey from a relative. Even if he is six generations removed.

HOFFMAN: Ah! Well, I don't have a drug for that, but I think we can work something out. However, you really do like that Mr. Peterson, correct?

CAROLYN: Ohh… I suppose so… well… no, I've always been curious about him, really.

HOFFMAN: That's a good start. Could get un-spooked about that other problem by diving into a better relationship. And… if Barnabas ever gets any better, maybe he'll finally feel some remorse over the whole thing… heaven knows there's a lot of things he should already be sorry for.

CAROLYN: (lengthily) Noooo kidding…

HOFFMAN: Still, I'm not too pleased that my experiment turned him into an over-aged walking **corpse**.

CAROLYN: Yep… _that_ was rather unpleasant to get close to.

HOFFMAN: Still, in all of this, Carolyn, I must admit, you did come in at the wrong place at the wrong time.

CAROLYN: Curing him from that experiment? I think I may have come in at the right place at the right time. I guess blood donation _is_ a thing families do… though goodness! I thought I didn't like _needles!_

HOFFMAN: Well, that's still a worry. I hope the association with him drawing your blood to regain his old… well young self, won't come up if you ever do need to have blood drawn the usual way, or get an injection.

CAROLYN: That's good to know. But I believe I've felt better thinking about being at the right place and right time now. It changes the perspective of the whole thing. By the way, some of that stuff Barnabas told you about his past…

HOFFMAN: Yes?

CAROLYN: If Victoria did just come out of the past… I'm guessing his story wasn't all that accurate, huh?

HOFFMAN: Why do you say that?

CAROLYN: I was in her room and not only did she explain a lot of it half asleep, she explained even more IN her sleep. You think he's just gone mad from his own time travel problems?

HOFFMAN: That and being a vampire. There's a duality of major issues. Plus the length of it. It's not like he was in bed for a year or something. I've seen people gone mad from shorter comas.

CAROLYN: Welllll…. I guess it's all well and good that he's not a mummy or something. That would be even more shocking.

HOFFMAN: Yes… and I have to wonder… why **don't** you ever have one of those around here _too?_

...

MILLIGAN: The doctor has a point! We've been wondering that as well.

HECUBUS: Well, there IS one in a Dark Shadows paperback… but then we do mostly keep to the TV show here, other than out inventive alterations. And we now return to The Old House for a random hang out session between the Evans and their slowly re-grown friendship with The Old House for whatever reason.

[knock, knock... footsteps... door opening]

WADSWORTH: Good evening, Mr. Evans, Miss Evans.

SAM: Hello… (intrigued) well… Regal staff. Shiver my top-tails! That's a surprise… (confused) Although I'm not sure why I made such a nautical outburst about it.

WADSWORTH: I should say not, indeed, sir. Please come in.

MAGGIE: Pop, I told you Barnabas got new help recently. You've been working too long with those Steinbeck projects. How are you ever going to know what the West Coast seaside looks like? Our sunsets are entirely different from their sunsets.

SAM: Why is that?

WADSWORTH: Because, Sir, the ocean opposes the land on different sides. We wake to look at the sun rising over the ocean. They finish their days with the sun setting over the ocean.

SAM: Hmm? Well it really makes no difference in Monterey, the shore's just a big basin. The sun doesn't set over the ocean there.

WADSWORTH: Oh, yes, you are correct sir.

SAM: I like this new butler!

WADSWORTH: Valet, sir, well, I suppose it makes little difference.

SAM: Yes, butler, valet, housekeeper, the works, eh? Mr. Collins needs all the help he can get in one neat package.

BARNABAS: This is true, Mr. Evans. Oh, it is delightful to see you both.

SAM: Ah, Mr. Collins. I suppose you can't sleep either. I swear there is something in the coffee 'round here that is keeping us all _awake!_

BARNABAS: (covers a burp) As long as it truly _is_ coffee... Please, come in, sit down. Wadsworth, do you suppose you could attend to our wakefulness?

WADSWORTH: Sir?

BARNABAS: Well, you do seem to work miracles. I'm wondering if you, perhaps, had a suggestion to make?

WADWORTH: (smiling) Well, I do have an old family blend I can work with now that the kitchen is in order. (steps out)

MAGGIE: (surprised) There's a KITCHEN?

BARNABAS: Well, it was a bit antiquated. Willie did some of the wall and window maintenance, as well as some of the plumbing... when there was a moment handy... rare as that's been... Then Wadsworth took on the various details of replacing the equipment and having it installed properly.

SAM: What, him? Really? He seems like he wouldn't want to get his hands dirty much less his shirt.

BARNABAS: Oh, no, no, he didn't do everything; there was a lot of direction and people hired here and there.

MAGGIE: As I look around this place, it all just seems to blossom as it used to.

SAM: Eh?

BARNABAS: (eager) USED to?

Maggie: Why yes! You know, during the summer time and it warming up, I can recall all the flowers... wait, what was I saying?

[wheels squeaking]

WADSWORTH: Here you are, sir. All poured and prepared, a full pot, cream and sugar.

SAM: Well, my goodness, a tea trolley... even if it is serving coffee.

MAGGIE: And the old porcelain service, too!

BARNABAS: You, erm, recognise the dishes?

MAGGIE: Of course, they—oh, you must have had me over at some point in the last few months. That must be it!

WADSWORTH: Miss Evans, may I ask your assistance with the crumpets?

MAGGIE: Oh? You _need_ help with something? That's a surprise. I suppose I'll see about it just to _find out_ what I could do to improve any tasks you have.

[steps, door flapping]

WADSWORTH: It's a matter of lemon curd or jam, madam. Any preference?

MAGGIE: You could have just asked me that.

WADSWORTH: Well, I suppose you have some inkling that I wanted a private moment.

MAGGIE: You? You haven't got that much of an interest in _me_, surely!

WADSWORTH: Not in that way, madam. However, there is a little something an… old friend, wished to bestow upon you. Unfortunately it has to remain a secret from whom it came, but I can assure you, that secret isn't me.

MAGGIE: Oh? Anything else I should know about it?

WADSWORTH: It may conclude some of the odd recollections you've been having trouble with, or at least spark them. However, I ask you not open this case until you arrive in your own room at home in these late hours.

MAGGIE: (jokingly) Don't tell me… I'll open it and it'll spring out like a joke can of peanut brittle.

WADSWORTH: (chuckling) Perhaps…

MAGGIE: All right, (softly) thank you… anyway, how about what we discussed we keep **honest?**

WADSWORTH: Oh?

MAGGIE: Yes… Jam, please.

WADSWORTH: (knowingly) Very good, madam…

[steps]

WADSWORTH: … moiselle.

...

MILLIGAN: Now that you're enthralled with chamber pots and coffee cups I invite you BACK to... the NEWER HOUSE!

[phone rings, someone answers]

ROGER: (peeved) Good heavens, do you know what time it is?

MISS CLEO: (boisterous Jamaican accent) Don't go blindly through life. Let me use the power of the Tarot to show the way!

ROGER: WHAT THE DEVIL?

MISS CLEO: Talk to me NOW! For your free readin'!

["You Are The Cream In My Coffee" by Annette Henshaw as ending credits theme]

All due respect to:

Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

George Pal's "The Time Machine"

John Kellette & Jaan Kenbrovi

Miss Cleo

The sadly defunct makers of Postum

And, of course

Dark Shadows (1960s tv show)

_Any laughter? Please let me know. Any little thing! Thanks! J_


	3. Episode 3: The Strega of Brooklyn

_Summary:_

_In this wrap up of the Adam story line and dream curse, Mrs. Johnson explains to her out of town friend, what all has been going on. Since Dark Shadows has so much reincarnation hinted at, it's likely possible Mrs. Johnson's old pet came back as the familiar fellow here._

_ I know the time line is a bit off but the alpha version was done with a lack of tools and from memory only, so I was surprised I got it all this accurate. In my version Adam doesn't come into contact with Sam Evans or Willie Loomis. He does still lock up Carolyn, previously, in the root cellar, which comes into importance later on. How Victoria and Peter end up where they do is up for guess work. Considering Victoria can obviously do The Time Warp perhaps that's how. Still, the reason behind her getting a phone call from 1960's Collinwood to a decades later Twin Peaks is up to you. I kept them present day with intentions to clear up the the obvious puzzle of her relationship to Elizabeth._

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows: Episode Three:_The Strega of Brooklyn_

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Good evening and I must assure you this _IS_ THEE Pit of Ultimate Darkness. If you remember I once had to admit that it was the Pit of PENULTIMATE Darkness but that pit that was slightly darker recently changed ownership and became Jack's Fry House so we are back in the ULTIMATE play! We are evil, _evil_, EVIL! I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan. To assist me is MANSERVANT HECUBUS!

HECUBUS: (rises under Milligan's hand) Here I am!

AUDIENCE: (applause) YAY! Hecubus!

MILLIGAN: AH! (gasps and regains composure) Manservant Hecubus, ladies and gentleman.

HECUBUS: I am ready to serve you master. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Satan!

MILLIGAN: (under his breath) Yes, we knew that already, Hecubus.

HECUBUS: Are we ready to return to Collinsport, Master?

MILLIGAN: Well, duh! Is it not the home of total and uncomplicated evil?

HECUBUS: Uncomplicated? It's the most complicated domicile I think has ever graced the airwaves.

MILLIGAN: This is true. And now we must introduce you to the state of Collinsport in the entirety that we know of. Victoria Winters, who once introduced the program, has returned from 1795 and is learning to use a modern lavatory once again. Roger has received a late night telephone call from a mysterious Tarot reader, and there are guests at the Old House that continue to gulp down cups of coffee in attempts to relieve themselves of the dreadful insomnia that plagues them world without end. Meanwhile at Wyndcliff, Willie Loomis is completely absorbed in his new 666 piece jigsaw puzzle of a cloud.

WILLIE: YES! YES! YES! I have completed it! I rule the Sanatorium.

MILLIGAN: Willie, shhh! I wish to have one more blessed moment with my lovely portrait of… wait… where did it go?

HECUBUS: Hee hee hee!

MILLIGAN: What? Again? What do you have against me anyway? Where is that painting of Angelique I've been worshipping with such villainous zest?

HECUBUS: Oh… Mr. Roger Collins seemed to want it, Master. I didn't have much choice in the matter.

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! That was an _antique!_

HECUBUS: No, Master, it was actually purchased on the roadside—

MILLIGAN: Hush, Hecubus!

HECUBUS: Next to a barn with a rambunctious collection of livestock… one of which was a goat who was preparing to nibble on the corner of the frame.

MILLIGAN: HA! And he didn't get it, did he? **I **did! (miffed) Though now it's gone…

HECUBUS: Well, you can simply visualize her amidst your shrine, Master. You've still got all the candles glowing bright. I'm sure her spirit is there.

MILLIGAN: BAH! Well, I won't compel anyone with the Sleep-of-Ages tonight! I've certainly lost the mood!

HECUBUS: Yes, Master…

MILLIGAN: In any case, my portrait will have less bearing on the looks of our stunningly evil Angelique, who seemed to find a way to allure Roger Collins under the guise of short, quirky swirls of black hair instead of blonde. She also altered her name to Cassandra Blair and by this time is Mrs. Roger Collins anyway. My, that gorgeous dame _does_ get around.

HECUBUS: She still hasn't got around to you, Master.

MILLIGAN: (miffed) Don't remind me… At any rate, it turns out that she was a student of the be'monocle'd man of study, Professor T. Eliot Stokes. He happens to be a miraculous descendant of the Ben Stokes mentioned in episode two of our pit here.

HECUBUS: Ah, yes… he's not feeling so good about being the go between of our beloved witch to that homestead, and may be seen helping our residents to make up for the trouble of his wayward student.

MILLIGAN: And now! To ignite our portal back into this beguiled and beguiling town… we shall entrance our listeners with an essence of hypnotic music…

[Record skips and then "The Stripper" begins.]

MILLIGAN: (aghast) wha- what's going on? Those aren't my theta waves! Hecubus! What have you done?

HECUBUS: (monotone) I'm under the influence of a higher master, Master. And now I will remove my… I mean… I mean, I will alter the sounds you hear.

[Bubbling liquid noises and high pitched, semi-evil laughter, a collection of gremlins and demons.]

MILLIGAN: Ladies and Gentlemen! The Dark Lord is blessing us!

HECUBUS: No, master. He's merely… tuned in!

MILLIGAN: HAIL-

[click, click]

GRIZZLY VOICE: Oops! Dropped my remote! Now I have to switch it back by hand… (fumbling, various small objects falling over)

[click, click]

MILLIGAN: You must always embrace the hellfire, hellfire, HELLFIRE!

GRIZZLY VOICE: Terrific! Great stuff! At last, a show for ME! A Show that speaks to ME! (shuffle) Oh! Golden Girls…

[click, click]

SOPHIA: Blanche… you're loose!

[ribald laughter from audience]

ROSE: You know I've been loose myself at times.

SOPHIA: Yeah… in your HEAD!

[more live studio laughter]

DOROTHY: Ma! We've gone through half of the blueberry, pumpkin, chocolate, raspberry, rhubarb cheesecake. Were you going to get to your story or NOT?

SOPHIA: Don't rush me! I was waiting for my medication to kick in.

[light laughter from audience]

BLANCHE: Well, I tell you, Sophia, I need a good friendship story. I've been without a date for two whole days!

SOPHIA: Here ya, go. I've got a date for you. PICTURE IT: Collinsport, Maine… 1968… or 69, I'm not sure. I'm not seeing my best friend Esther so much so I take a trip by train to a place where all my cares become pointless after discovering the dramatic details of the rich snobs my friend works for.

[scene altering music, choo-choo of a train melds into the sounds of sea waves and the Dark Shadows theme music. Then a *thunk, thunk thunk* on the door knocker of the Collinwood Estate door. Creaking door opening.]

MRS. JOHNSON: (pleased) Sophia!?

SOPHIA: Gabby! It is so good to see you!

MRS. JOHNSON: (happily) Oh my, I haven't heard anyone call me that nickname for ages! Come in, come in!

SOPHIA: Hey, you've got the best gossip and tell it. What d'ya think I come all the way out here from Brooklyn for? It gets my mind off of my own problems to hear about the people you work for.

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, I must say, you've picked a good time. Everyone is either out or busy. Let's head to the kitchen.

[footsteps, doors creaking]

SOPHIA: Look at _this_ kitchen, it's marvelous.

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, yes. I've had to learn a lot over these new fangled machines. Have a seat and I'll put the coffee on the percolator.

SOPHIA: That will be music to my ears. That instant stuff is a joke!

MRS. JOHNSON: I know! I mean if you can't get better it'll do, but _really…_

SOPHIA: I had enough of that stuff on the train… well! Actually at the station.

MRS. JOHNSON: (heaving a sit down sigh) Well, you remember that Jeff Clark I wrote to you about?

SOPHIA: Yes, and don't worry, I always use those pages to start the pilot light, so no one knows.

MRS. JOHNSON: Thank you, my dear. Anyway, Jeff Clark…

SOPHIA: Who could forget? No one obviously had "previous life" so clearly etched on his forehead!

MRS. JOHNSON: Well! He finally came to terms with being Peter Bradford from 1795.

SOPHIA: Oh, good! How'd it happen?

MRS. JOHNSON: You know that doctor-lady we've harboured here who pretended to be a historian? Well she goes around with a glittery medallion trying to hypnotize people _right and left_. She was trying to get him to forget his work with that Dr. Lang and somehow she goofed. He remembers everything WITH all the details precise as they could BE! Not quite like that Bridey Murphy stuff!

SOPHIA: My goodness! So did Victoria and Peter get married?

MRS. JOHNSON: If they have, it wasn't here! Bad luck this place is for them. I told them to head out of Collinsport before anything else happened.

SOPHIA: Wise woman.

MRS. JOHNSON: Thank you, I do pride myself on speaking my mind WHEN the time presents itself. I packed their suitcases myself.

SOPHIA: Good for you.

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, I've got to be good for something around here. Picking up after the Collins' is a thankless and never-ending task. But the pay is good. Beat's scrapin' a grill all day.

SOPHIA: (knowingly) I hear ya. How about Roger's new wife?

MRS. JOHNSON: Ugh! It's so pathetic. Mr. Collins got that telephone call from a Tarot reader to leave town and find love and **voom**, he comes home married to "Madam Slick" with some of the loudest clothes I've ever seen. As if that and dark curls are going to distract anyone. She puts on doe-eyes, but I swear that every single member of this community knows EXACTLY who she really is and what she's about!

SOPHIA: It's incredible how she pretends. You can tell something is off by the way she acts about it. It's a dead giveaway… just like when my Dorothy tried to explain why she was going to marry that yutz of a son-in-law I have now. How is that Professor Stokes coming along?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh! He is simply a dream-boat. Takes command of every uncertainty and just gets ON with it!. I never saw anyone in this job I could adore so much.

SOPHIA: Hey, you ain't makin' sheeps eyes at him, are you?

MRS. JOHNSON: (surprised) Sophia! I'm a married woman!

SOPHIA: (jibing) Oh, sure, so where is your husband now?

MRS. JOHNSON: (smirkish) You won't catch ME out with any of those trick questions.

SOPHIA: Aw, Gabby. I was just checking. You are consistent to the last.

MRS. JOHNSON: I should hope _so_!

SOPHIA: So how is Professor Stokes?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, he is definitely recovering well from that dream curse. The entire thing got misaligned when I had to explain what happened to _me._

SOPHIA: Why? What happened when you had the dream?

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, I opened a few of the doors and just _screamed_ my head off at some of the things I had to see, but then I heard a different song from the poem everyone else heard, apparently. At least that's what the Professor told me about when I explained it. I chose a door very different from the rest and there were a group of teenagers that seemed very frightened. I didn't recognize any of them but I huddled them close and-

SOPHIA: Did you put the salt around your bed like I told you to?

MRS. JOHNSON: Yes, Sophia. And I made the blessing you prescribed. It was all good, and as an afterthought, when I scrubbed out the salt—

SOPHIA: It gets that rug looking shiny-new! I told you!

MRS. JOHNSON: Yes it does! Thank you. Anyway, I brought all the boys and girls towards me and I noticed a stranger in the corner. Sophia, he had a bladed glove!

SOPHIA: Whad'ya mean a bladed glove?

MRS. JOHNSON: It was a glove with blades, like knives on the end of each finger.

SOPHIA: Mercy!

MRS. JOHNSON: And a fedora, and he looked like he'd been badly burned.

SOPHIA: Goodness!

MRS. JOHNSON: But! It was the sweater!

SOPHIA: What?

MRS. JOHNSON: He had a sweater on. With stripes of red and olive drab green.

SOPHIA: (pauses and takes a deep breath.) Wait a minute…

MRS. JOHNSON: Mmm, hmm…

SOPHIA: Isn't that…

MRS. JOHNSON: Mmmmm-hmmmm?

SOPHIA: That sounds like the sweater YOU knitted! From the yarn in the rummage sale!

MRS. JOHNSON: MMMMM-HMMMM! Ex-actly!

SOPHIA: You knitted that sweater for your tom-cat, Crackers!

MRS. JOHNSON: That's right!

SOPHIA: Goodness gracious! What did you do?

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, these kids were terrified and I was too, but then when I saw that, I stiffened _up_. I said, now, NOW! Charley Crackers, you little tom-puss. You think you can give ME any grief after all I've done for you? That set him to stop his giggling and straighten up. I told him that these kids hadn't done him any harm and I'd done him plenty good, so if one of his nine lives was set to mischief he could CERTAINLY do a favour for ME!

SOPHIA: And what was that?

MRS. JOHNSON: I told him, you have a hankerin' to do dirty work? You go right out that door I came through and find that evil sorceress and give her what for! And HE DID! Sliced her up like a pan of sausages. I'd seen the kids out another door, of course, but goodness me! It was a sight to behold.

SOPHIA: Sounds like _that_ worked wonders. I've been known to work a bit of a curse if you want me to add something to the fray.

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, thank you, Sophia, but this really is a local concern.

SOPHIA: No, really. I could whet the whistle with some trouble myself.

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, no… but actually… do you think you could telephone the next place that Victoria and Peter were staying at? They gave me the number but I'm rather tired of using the telephone lately. I go to answer the darn thing and there is always someone who is looking for someone else who isn't here.

SOPHIA: No problem, Gabby. Why do they keep driving around everywhere anyway? Why not fly?

MRS. JOHNSON: (sighs) Well, what with the loss of Miss Victoria's previous fiancé, she's not exactly partial to air travel.

SOPHIA: (knowingly) Ahhh, I see. That makes sense. Anyway, I'll get right to it. What's the number?

MRS. JOHNSON: Right next to the telephone in the foyer. You just go and make sure they're all right.

SOPHIA: No problem! (steps echoing) Who the hell are YOU?

TONY: I'm Mr. Peterson… who are you?

SOPHIA: My name… is Sophia… others know me as the terminator. What the hell do you want?

TONY: (a bit baffled) Can you let Carolyn know I'm here?

SOPHIA: … no… go upstairs and tell her yourself!

TONY: Um… okay (trotting up the stairs)

SOPHIA: What a tool! (Dialing) Hello?

LADY'S VOICE: Hello, Great Northern Lodge…

SOPHIA: Hello, I'd like to speak with Victoria and Peter Bradford, please.

LADY'S VOICE: Oh! The Bradford party! They just checked in. Please hold…

SOPHIA: And this is what they call modernization…

[phone ringing]

PETER: Hello?

SOPHIA: Hey, Peter, how'ya' doin?

PETER: Who is this?

SOPHIA: I'm calling for Mrs. Johnson. This is a friend of hers from Brooklyn. She wants to know if you hit the Pacific safe and sound.

PETER: Oh! Well, yes… I mean. I guess so.

SOPHIA: WHAD'Ya MEAN you GUESS so?

PETER: Well, I mean…

VICTORIA: Let me talk to her… Mrs. Johnson?

SOPHIA: No, this is Sophia, Sophia Petrillo and I'm a friend of Mrs. Johnson. She's busy in the kitchen and she wanted to make sure that you kids were okay.

VICTORIA: Oh yes, Mrs. Petrillo, we're fine. It's just that… well…

SOPHIA: It's all right, I can take it, I live in New York, I've seen and heard stuff you'd never dream of, just sock it to me, as they say on Laugh-In.

VICTORIA: Well, to be perfectly honest…

SOPHIA: Yes?

VICTORIA: There was a lot of trouble going on here when we arrived.

SOPHIA: Such as?

VICTORIA: Well, Mrs. Petrillo, there is an investigation going on.

SOPHIA: _OF_ course!

VICTORIA: This girl was found wrapped in plastic…

SOPHIA: Poor woman!

VICTORIA: Named Laura Palmer.

SOPHIA: Lara Parker?

VICTORIA: NO! Laura Palmer!

SOPHIA: Oh, thank _God!_ I thought we were about to have a cross angle on reality and fiction here.

VICTORIA: Well, it's just that everyone in town is suspect since the crime was discovered and there is a curfew and now we're a bit stuck.

SOPHIA: They should give you free room service at least!

VICTORIA: They are, actually. How did you know?

SOPHIA: Anytime the guests are hassled at any lofty hotel they give ya free room service. Then they claim their own troubles and increase the price anyway.

VICTORIA: Oh dear. Should we leave soon?

SOPHIA: No, no. If you leave that quick they'll think you did it. You gotta make a clean slate of it before you go. You might as well stay and try out the pie at the Double R Diner-wait, on second thought, don't go there. Try Jack's Fry House instead. It's off on the west side of town.

VICTORIA (sighs) I thought this was going to be such a quiet, sleepy town, too.

SOPHIA: That's what Mrs. Johnson thought when she applied for work in Collinsport! Heck, when you applied for governess that's what you thought, too, I'll bet.

VICTORIA: That is true, Mrs. Petrillo.

SOPHIA: Look at it this way, you're not involved, and you're only encountering the bare edges of a murder investigation. That's got to beat being here, in a town where _exorcists_ refuse to go.

VICTORIA: (cheerfully) Hah, you know I didn't think of it that way.

SOPHIA: So calm down, get a massage, check out the trees and the fresh air. Drink the water, sure, but try not to mingle too much with the people. Just try to shuck off some of that nervousness you learned in Collinsport.

VICTORIA: Gee, thanks, Mrs. P. You're quite a woman.

SOPHIA: I'm the best! Ciao.

[click, footsteps]

MRS. JOHNSON: I'm just putting some cookie batter in the toaster oven.

SOPHIA: Oh, good- wait, the toaster oven?

MRS. JOHSON: Sure, if you do it that way, you only eat a few at a time and don't overdo it.

SOPHIA: Sounds good.

MRS. JOHSON: How are the kids?

SOPHIA: Oh, they're fine. There's a murder investigation going on in that town so I figure they'll be seeing some normal problems instead of the _oogie-boogies_ we've got going on over here.

MRS. JOHSON: Oh, dear! Are they suspected?

SOPHIA: Don't worry, Gabby! They'll be fine. Everyone gets suspected. It's not a crime… to be suspected… I told them to stay put a while. Not sure where they ought to go next. And some suit went up stairs to find Carolyn, by the way.

MRS. JOHNSON: (knowingly) Ohhh, Mr. Peterson.

SOPHIA: Yeh, that's what he said.

MRS. JOHNSON: He's had an odd gleam in his eye for a while. I think he's gotten in cahoots with Mrs. Collins.

SOPHIA: No surprise there, though now that you mention it, what happened when you woke up from that dream?

MRS. JOHNSON: (pleased) Fresh as a daisy! I rarely ever remember my dreams but I was whistling _all day_ with the thought of that one in my head.

SOPHIA: Well, he was a good cat, after all, even if the all the elm trees were a bit frayed in the neighbourhood.

MRS. JOHNSON: That's true. Cookie?

SOPHIA: Don't mind if I do. So you didn't tell anyone about your dream, other than me, I mean.

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, I'd gone over to the Old House around that time to deliver some eggs and Professor Stokes wanted to chat me up, so I had a nice sit down with him and squared some things away.

SOPHIA: Gabby, what the heck are you going over to the Old House to deliver eggs for? You don't have chickens?

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, not anymore, after the wolves come in and ate 'em all up. Now we have to get it all delivered, but the delivery men are of two minds which house is worse. So we get all the eggs and the milkman leaves all the milk at the Old House. There's no getting through to those men.

SOPHIA: How do you manage that?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, it's that new fella working for Mr. Barnabas Collins. He's got some interesting solutions.

SOPHIA: Oh, yeh, Wadsworth. Collinsport's ode to P.G. Wodehouse. What did he come up with?

MRS. JOHNSON: He says, Madam, if the Mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must come to the mountain. As there is no way of persuading these gentlemen, you may bring eggs at any time you wish as these woods are so tormented, and I shall brave the early dawn to see that the milk doesn't spoil.

SOPHIA: Does he really talk like that?

MRS. JOHNSON: Yes, indeed. He is a wonder…

SOPHIA: What is it, Gabby? You're eyes look a bit glassy.

MRS. JOHNSON: (sighing) Well, if you must know I have been rather concerned over Mister Roger Collins pining for that wretched Cassandra. Wadsworth noticed that I'd been somewhat strained and asked me how I'd been feeling, so I explained.

SOPHIA: What did he have to say about it?

MRS. JOHNSON: I'm not sure why but he really was able to put my mind to rest about it… at least for a time. He kept assuring me that, oh what did he say? "Dark though the days may be, all will turn right in the end."

SOPHIA: Sounds lyrical.

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, you don't know the half of it. Lately when we make the switch of eggs and milk I hear him humming away and singing. He's really gotten to be quite the singer, even if it is over a sink.

SOPHIA: Well, he sounds like a charmer all right. You seem to be surrounded by some lookers. And Wadsworth had some clever ideas. Which reminds me! Did you find that big fellow yet?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh yes! I'd almost forgotten—

CAROLYN: Mrs. Johnson? Mrs. Johnson?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, excuse me a moment, Sophia.

CAROLYN: Mrs. Johnson, have you seen Mr. Collins, that is Cousin Barnabas? Mr. Peterson wanted to speak to him.

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, no, Miss Stoddard, not since last night. I know he's had some actual _daylight _hours, lately. But who knows how long that will last? I'm sure he's bound to be out again when the sun goes down… (vaguely confused) if you can _find_ the sun, that is.

CAROLYN: Yes, it has been overcast, hasn't it? Well, if you see him can you let him know Mr. Peterson and I will be up at Widow's Hill?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, my, Miss Stoddard. What on earth do you want to go up there for?

CAROLYN: Well not to jump to my doom, if you're wondering. We're simply going for a stroll.

MRS. JOHNSON: I'll let him know.

CAROLYN: Thank you, Mrs. Johnson.

[footsteps, door closes, more footsteps]

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, that's good, then!

SOPHIA: What is, Gabby?

MRS. JOHNSON: Miss Stoddard is out of the house and will be none the wiser. I was worried I'd have to sneak Adam back upstairs.

SOPHIA: Adam?

MRS. JOHNSON: That's him, the big fellow I told you about. You said you're uncle needed a strapping, big hulk no one would take any guff from. I've let him stay in the pantry and kept feeding him. He sure has an appetite!

SOPHIA: I'll bet. How's his behavior lately? Is he throwing any tantrums?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, not at all. In fact, since I've been giving him some decent meals and letting him help cook, he's shaping up to be, well, rather gallant, as the case has it. I think someone else's been teaching him things. I can't give myself half the credit.

SOPHIA: Teaching him? Like who?

MRS. JOHNSON: I couldn't say. I just know that I can't watch him in all my own waking hours and that pantry does go down pretty far. Could be a passage through it somewhere else for all I know. Say, Sophia, didn't you say you needed someone to work for your Uncle Annuziata?

SOPHIA: Uncle Nunzio, yeh. … say, what about all the scars? Does he still have those?

MRS. JOHNSON: O' I don't know. He's _your _uncle!

SOPHIA: No, no no, the big fella, Adam.

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, I've been working on that, too. Remember the abrasions I got from the accident with the old iron? Well, I still have big jar of that prescription cream Dr. Woodard left me, heaven rest his soul. I tried it on Adam.

SOPHIA: All healed, up? Some of that new analgesic stuff is marvelous, isn't it?

MRS. JOHNSON: Welllll, he is a lot better but you can still notice some of the scarring if you get close. BUT it is a vast improvement. I have a feeling that's been a confidence booster for him. This reminds me, he should stay away from particularly filthy work. What did your uncle need him for again?

SOPHIA: Manufacturing soap.

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh! Well! That'd be good for him, I think. [door creak] Adam? Wanna come on up now? I've got a friend who'd like to see you.

ADAM: (gruff echo) A Friend?

MRS. JOHNSON: Yes. Come on up.

[CLOP… CLOP… CLOP… CLOP!]

SOPHIA: Now *that's* what I call a man!

ADAM: (briskly) Why, thank you very much. Whom do I have the honour of addressing if I may be so bold as to inquire?

MRS. JOHNSON: Adam, this is my old friend, Sophia Petrillo. Sophia, this is Adam. Adam… um…

ADAM: Yes, my somewhat mixed, purloined, and cobbled heritage has left me rather without a surname. I would use what my… makers at first intended but this would incline others of mild discretion to believe I, or perhaps bits of me, are related to the family on this estate. This is, of course, not the case. Nor would I wish it to be so.

SOPHIA: Why not? You could come in to a _lot of dough_ with a last name like that.

ADAM: A lot of dough, as you leguminously might put it, is in short order not to my taste, however newly acquired. I may not be a gentleman, but someday, I aspire to become one.

SOPHIA: Well, your mannerisms of hands folded and a few tucks at the sleeves of that smart jacket, could have fooled me. At the right angle you're practically genteel, Adam…

ADAM: I am most gratified madam.

SOPHIA: Adam… hmm, doesn't quite suit. How about Adamo? (voiced wistfully) Adamo Grisanti.

MRS. JOHNSON: Why, Sophia. Isn't that your old family name?

SOPHIA: And why not? He could be Italian. Anyone can reinvent themselves in this great land of ours. He's probably got a few parts as it is, don't you think?

ADAM: (Elegantly) How about… Adamo Grisanti… Terenzio…

SOPHIA: Più bella! Oh, may I take him home with me?

MRS. JOHNSON: Well why do you think I brought him up here to meet you?

SOPHIA: REALLY? Can I keep him?

MRS. JOHNSON: (taken aback) Sophia, that's between you and Sal!

SOPHIA: I don't want him as a second husband. I'm hoping for a second _son._

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, they might be able to share clothing; they're both about the same height.

SOPHIA: Nah, I don't think our Adamo here would present well in a sleeveless blouse or a silk pant suit.

ADAM: (contemplative) Hmm, I'd never thought about it…

SOPHIA: You save you're thinkin' for the trip home. Has he got any luggage, Gabby?

MRS. JOHNSON: Just the clothes on his back, as far as I know.

SOPHIA: Perfect. I hope things get better around here for you.

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, they've certainly gotten more interesting. I seem to feel an inkling less foreboding each day. And, Adam, I hope you keep feeling better and better. Keep behaving yourself.

ADAM: Thank you, Mrs. Johnson. You are an admirable woman. I shall endeavour to keep my temper in-check and refer to your wisdom and gentle good humour.

MRS. JOHNSON: (sweetly)That's so kind of you, Adam. Well, Sophia, you better get him out of here before I want to keep him all to myself!

SOPHIA: Yeh, you got enough fops around here …churning them out from spare parts, too! I better lower the percentage.

ADAM: Yes, lead on, madam! I am your humble servant. A new life in the big city. I am ready.

SOPHIA: See you later, Gabby. I'll let you know how things go. (To herself: )…another Grisanti… I wonder what Papa would think of this?

MRS. JOHNSON: (tearing up a bit) Oh, give us a hug you two! [ruffle] Have a safe journey, and here's some cookies for your trip!

ADAMO: Good-bye, Mrs. Johnson and good luck.

SOPHIA: I second that!

MRS. JOHNSON: (softly calling out) Goodbye.

(door creaks and closes)

RANDOM VOICE: Mrs. Johnson?

MRS. JOHNSON: GASP! Oh, Mister Collins. I thought you were napping.

ROGER: (woe-be-gone) Oh, who can sleep when the love of my life is still missing? It is a dismal heartache that… (curiously distracted) Say, who were _those_ two?

MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, just a couple of out of town friends who stopped by for a cup of coffee and a biscuit or two. I hope it was all right to chat with them, Mister Collins.

ROGER: (relieved) Oh, that's fine, in fact heartily endorsed. At least someone is having a good time around this gloomy and depressing domicile. I keep trying to cheer myself up with that Dale Carnegie book but I keep misplacing it.

MRS. JOHNSON: Why, it's right over here on the… the… thing… um. Mister Collins, what is this thing over here by the coat rack and staircase?

ROGER: A mystery, Mrs. Johnson. I wanted to call it an old radio and Mrs. Stoddard keeps saying it's a commode of some sort. A mystery, Mrs. Johnson, is likely its rightful name. Oh, and thank you for the book. I shall now return to my den of woe.

MRS. JOHNSON: And me to my kitchen, Mister Collins… (muttering) to stir up some usual seafood, I suppose.

[sound of whooshing and xylophone to anchor a return to the present]

DOROTHY: (annoyed) Ma! What the _hell_ do all those compounding, gossipy stories have in common with what's going on right _now?_

BLANCHE: (happily) Oh, Sophia, thank you! I know exactly what to do. I'm drivin' out right NOW to that Bed and Breakfast and talk to my Grammy!

SOPHIA: Y'see?

DOROTHY: (thoughtfully) Yeah, I think I do…

ROSE: (usual enthusiasm) Oh, _**I**_ got some good stuff out of that. A college professor is obviously a great boyfriend to have. I'm going to go and meet Miles at the Ballroom and dance all night!

SOPHIA: So, Pussycat?

DOROTHY: (happily accepting) Yep, you got me, Ma! I have _just_ the thing to order for dinner. How about fish and chips with a stewpot of clam chowder?

SOPHIA: Sounds good to me! Make sure to get some of that cheese bread to go with it!

DOROTHY: Ok!

[Golden Girls ending credits theme, morphs into Dark Shadows ending theme.]

All due respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

The Nightmare on Elm Street Flicks

The Golden Girls

Twin Peaks

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960s TV Show)


	4. Episode 4: Captain Gregg Gets Bent

_Yep! Here it is. The first one with The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. Thanks everyone!_

_Summary:_

_Here Tony and Carolyn's romance grows as they head out to Schooner Bay and being in such good spirits help out a lady who looks quite worried, and so Mrs. Muir ought to be. Sometimes Capt. Gregg has little patience. _

_The episode re-plays the damaging of Angelique's portrait by Sam Evans, but the difference is Sam Evans becomes angry when he sees it, beginning to remember something tragic from other realms he once knew. Also, as the painting is about to be scourged, Cassandra meets with Barnabas as in the original, however Wadsworth is down in the cellar singing his heart out and bringing an added tension to this scene. On Dark Shadows, when Barnabas is told that the painting is missing by Cassandra, he says "How fortunate... erm how un..." (which was obviously poor Jonathan Frid trying to correct this flub and then giving up on it.) I decided in my version to let Barnabas HAVE that flub, in all confidence and dispense with the need to correct it!_

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode Four: Captain Gregg Gets Bent

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme Music]

MILLIGAN: Good evening and welcome once again to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness… or rather, as we like to say back stage, The PIT of ULTIMATE… DARK SHADOWS! I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan.

[Hoots and hollers from the audience.]

MILLIGAN: Oh, my! Well, thank you. I _blush_ at your patronage. TONIGHT… we enter the encapsulated subconscious of the human mind… Oh… wait a minute… perhaps not. Didn't the dream curse come and go? I must look into this skull as a fortune teller does her crystal ball.

[Three tones cascade upward.]

NASALLY WOMAN'S VOICE: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, hang up and then dial your operator.

MILLIGAN: OCH! Well! That got me nowhere. I must now call upon my handy, well-beloved of Satan and trusty sidekick… Manservant HECUBUS!

[Rousing cheers. ]

HECUBUS: Good evening, Master. I am here to serve YOU… aaaaaaand SANTA!

[Sound of crickets.]

MILLIGAN: … say… _what?_

HECUBUS: Whoops! Just a bit of metathesis, here. Pardon me… (burps, pats chest) There, all better now.

MILLIGAN: Hecubus, I'm wondering if you recall if the dream curse has come and gone yet in our Collinsport radio drama.

HECUBUS: I believe it has, Master. In fact, I believe we are wafting into the realms of… ART!

MILLIGAN: Art… who?

HECUBUS: Oh, no, Master! Art as in drawing, painting, the visual arts. As in… The Picture of Dorian Gray .

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! You're giving away where we've ripped off our plotlines!

HECUBUS: (snickering)

MILLIGAN: EVIL! Still evil after all these years! (clapping) Ladies and gentlemen; Hecubus, The Evil One!

[Audience applauds.]

MILLIGAN: Now on with the show! We need a volunteer… YOU!

RANDOM MALE VOICE: Me?

MILLIGAN: Do you dare come to the Pit of Darkness?

RANDOM MALE VOICE: Yeah, sure, why not? Business is slow.

HECUBUS: RISE and APPROACH!

[steps]

MILLIGAN: And what is your name?

RANDOM MALE VOICE: My name is Tony Peterson.

HECUBUS: Ha! Ha! Made you say it!

TONY: Made me say what?

HECUBUS: We made you say, "My name is…"!

TONY: Um… alright, fine.

MILLIGAN: Tony Peterson, I am about to rob you of your free will, does this frighten you?

TONY: Hardly.

MILLIGAN: (shocked) WHAT?

TONY: I've had that done on a number of occasions recently, a woman with a lighter, MY lighter, kept staring at me in the garden and possessing my thoughts. If it's all the same to you I'd rather you didn't. It's been *seriously* irritating.

MILLIGAN: (crestfallen) Oh, well then… (chipper) Then how about I REASSERT your free will!?

TONY: Sounds good to me.

MILLIGAN: YOU are a GUMSHOE prominent lawyer of COLLINSPORT with all your free will INTACT!

HECUBUS: YOU are… what he said!

TONY: Aren't you going to hypnotize me first?

MILLIGAN: We just did. Um… Hecubus, please entrance him with the sleep of ages.

TONY: What's that for?

HECUBUS: Just a little validation, like having your parking ticket stamped.

PETERSON: Oh… okay.

HECUBUS: Repeat after me… Bea

TONY: Bea

HECUBUS: Oh

TONY: Oh

HECUBUS: Pro

TONY: Pro

HECUBUS: Blem.

TONY: Blem.

HECUBUS: Faster. Bea. Oh.

TONY: Bea… Oh.. Pro…

HECUBUS: Blem

TONY: Bea… Oh… Pro… Blem

HECUBUS: Faster. And page it overhead!

TONY: Bea…. Oh…. Problem… Hey, everybody, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?

HECKLER: You sure do!

TONY: You know what? I have a date. I'm leaving!

HECUBUS: Do so freely! In fact, I'm sure you P. Freely!

HECKLER: Haaaa, ha'h'hee!

MILLIGAN: And NOW! We return to you to Collinsport in which we join Tony Peterson and Carolyn Stoddard on their date, already in progress.

DARK SHADOWS THEME MUSIC…

[Sounds of car motor and background music of the standard Blue Whale variety. (Santo & Johnny)]

TONY: I'm glad you accepted my invitation to a long drive and dinner. I've been dying to get away from Collinsport for ages.

CAROLYN: Oh, me too, Tony. What's the name of this place we're going?

TONY: Norrie's Lobster House, quiet, quaint and a far cry from our usual spots at home.

CAROLYN: No, I remember Norrie's, but where is the restaurant? The city it's in?

TONY: (laughing) Oh, my! Not a city at all. Not even a town! It's a township called Schooner Bay.

CAROLYN: Township? Really? Actually, Schooner Bay sounds familiar. I think I have a great aunt that lives there…

TONY: OH?

CAROLYN: Yes, a school mistress, on my father's side. I'd love to meet her, in fact.

TONY: You haven't met her?

CAROLYN: Oh, no. Well, I didn't try. Much mention of my father's side was distracted away when I was a child, but I remember hearing about her from a chum in high school very briefly.

TONY: Maybe we'll look her up while we're there.

CAROLYN: Well, now that I think it over I'm not sure if I'm REALLY related to her. The thing is she lives in Maine and her last name is Stoddard and I just thought, you know… COULD be!

TONY: Dang… wish I could make a phone call. I have connections and might be able to find out something.

CAROLYN: You could? That would be marvelous.

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, Barnabas, having spoken with Professor Stokes over a slice of cheese and a totally unsweetened biscuit, decides the portrait of Angelique that Roger continues to covet throughout all this time, is to be captured from Collinwood and vandalized with a certain complexity.

HECUBUS: Hee hee hee…

MILLIGAN: Yes, Hecubus. Thanks for sacrificing my shrine hostage to this torment. Now we have to suffer seeing it constantly changing hands. However, I suppose it's an integral part of the story. This is indeed the painting Roger has become enamoured with during his oh so brief marriage to Cassandra. Both our lovely Angelique and Cassandra, as we all know, are the same person. Barnabas believes this picture is the key to Cassandra's resurrection.

…

WADSWORTH: Here you are, sir. It was a fairly simple absconding and most deservedly, I'm sure.

BARNABAS: You are nothing if not a wonder, Wadsworth. A most terrifying beauty lies herein as I look at her.

WADSWORTH: Agreed, sir. Some dark entity does lurk in the features of this specimen. Of course, we both know why, sir.

BARNABAS: Tell me, how did you manage it?

WADSWORTH: Well, there is a usual exchange of delivery items betwixt here and Collinwood. I transfer the dairy to Mrs. Johnson and she hands over the eggs so we have a daily interaction that way. You see the delivery men are afraid to brave the wilds of the estate, so we arranged this solution to the dilemma.

BARNABAS: _Truly._ It makes the telephone seem obsolete.

WADSWORTH: Then call me not a wonder, sir. It is the wonders of Providence. However, while I was there I wandered about to Mr. Roger Collin's study where the portrait was hanging above his desk and there he found me.

BARNABAS: Oh my! Was he acerbic?

WADSWORTH: Somewhat, but then he was most appreciative as I was able to re-locate a volume of Dale Carnegie's he seems to continually misplace.

BARNABAS: (smilingly) Oh, yes, "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living".

WADSWORTH: The very one, sir! How did you know?

BARNABAS: I lent it to him… actually… truth be told, I left it on his desk in hopes he'd venture its pages.

WADSWORTH: NOT a bad idea, sir!

BARNABAS: Thank you, my good man.

WADSWORTH: I take it your finally catching on to my method of handling things.

BARNABAS: Well, since the death of Dr. Lang and the disappearance of Adam, I think I've finally had enough of all the pathetic _barbarism_ we've been dealing with.

WADWORTH: Yes. That wasn't exactly the best way of seeing you… _some_what cured. How one can project a life force into another body is something I'd tried myself, however. And I can't quite see the connection to having two bodies walking around with only one thing propelling them forward.

BARNABAS: Ah… then perhaps it was your odd solution.

WADSWORTH: Coffee and brandy, sir? I doubt it.

BARNABAS: Hmm, I've seen your usage of the laboratory. I think there's something quite different you've been serving me. Why you're so keen on being useful to me is still the mystery often on my mind.

WADSWORTH: "Their's not to make reply… Their's not to reason why… Their's but to do and die."

BARNABAS: Die?

WADSWORTH: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred Lord Tennyson's "Charge of The Light Brigade".

BARNABAS: Who is that?

WADSWORTH: Was, sir… (sighs) Oh my… Dale Carnegie _before_ Tennyson sir? (tsk, tsk) Apparently you're _much_ better at secreting books for others to read than I am.

BARNABAS: I suppose. I've been a bit behind on my reading.

WADSWORTH: No _doubt_, sir. On that note, there is another quote by Tennyson I'd like to mention.

BARNABAS: Oh?

WADSWORTH: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

BARNABAS: (sadly touched) Beautiful… and likely true. How does it fit?

WADSWORTH: (smilingly) It doesn't, sir. Between you, I and my employment here, it's not a beneficial quotation.

BARANBAS: (content) I see. Thank you for that… And without further ado I shall take this painting with me to… well.

WADSWORTH: No need to tell me, sir. It is better I don't know. Then I shan't have to explain it to anyone else. I'll close the door behind you.

BARNABAS: Thank you.

[sound of door closing]

MILLIGAN: And now we return you to Carolyn and Tony Peterson in Schooner Bay!

[sound of car door shutting]

CAROLYN: It is quaint.

TONY: I agree. Shall we go in?

CAROLYN: Wait, Tony. I just wanted to tell you…

TONY: Yes?

CAROLYN: Well, to thank you, really. This has been a very pleasant day for me. A walk by the ocean, a beautiful drive along the coast and…

[subtle smooching noise]

TONY: (gratified) Well, what was that for?

CAROLYN: For everything. My dear, you… are… one to keep!

MILLIGAN: And so they are seated, orders taken and they peruse the various topics of conversational enjoyment. Then Carolyn, more kind hearted than one might give her credit for, becomes distracted by a woman seated nearby.

CAROLYN: Excuse me, ma'am?

MA'AM: Oh, would you like the salt from this table?

CAROLYN: No, I was just wondering, if I might ask, you seem terribly upset. I was wondering if you'd like to talk about it?

MA'AM: (leaning forward) Oh, well… no… I mean, yes… well, it is a little awkward.

CAROLYN: Tony, let's move the table.

TONY: What? Toward the wall?

CAROLYN: Yes, there's not much on it yet. Just the silverware.

TONY: Well, okay, heave-ho.

MILLIGAN: And so they joined their table to their neighbors against the wall. One might be puzzled at this behaviour but good moods being so rare, the two felt ample to share.

MA'AM: Well, that's very kind of you, and so sudden, too.

TONY: We've had a lovely day, so we're only too happy to share it. Now what's the trouble?

MA'AM: Well, my name is Carolyn Muir.

HECUBUS: (snickering) Hee, hee, we made her say it, too!

MILLIGAN: Hush, Hecubus!

CAROLYN: Carolyn? Why, that's MY name, too!

MRS. MUIR: Oh! Well, in that case, it'll be just as well you call me what everyone else does. I'm Mrs. Muir.

TONY: Hello, Mrs. Muir, I'm Tony Peterson.

CAROLYN: And you know my name, wink wink, nudge nudge.

MRS. MUIR: (worriedly) Definitely… well. The crux of the matter is that I have an old painting in my home, which I'm renting… that's the house, not the painting, and my children were playing around by it and well… it's got a stain on it now… and it's dirty and old as it is and needs to be cleaned and likely a little…

CAROLYN: Refurbished?

MRS. MUIR: Yes! And though I've lived here some time, I don't know anyone who could do that kind of work on such an old painting. But it has to be done… as… well… a friend of mine has prominently put it.

TONY: A friend?

MRS. MUIR: In so many words.

CAROLYN: Oh, well…

MILLIGAN: This part of the conversation is interrupted by a request for a drink and a meal order for Mrs. Muir. I shall dispense with these trivialities and return you to the EVAN'S COTTAGE!

[knocking noises]

SAM: HUH? Mr. Collins! My, what a surprise to find you out at this hour!

BARNABAS: Oh?

SAM: The sun is still out, you know… heh, heh.

BARNABAS: Oh, yes, well my business has allowed me a bit more leisure time to devote to certain pursuits. Particularly this one.

[shifting of painting]

SAM: My goodness! _Carried_ that did you? Usually you hire someone to do all that. So many changes.

BARNABAS: I am somewhat more fit than I have been. Now, if you take a look here…

SAM: (suspicious) Hmmm… What a wicked looking woman. And familiar somehow… Attractive, but still…

BARNABAS: Yes, I entirely concur, but…

SAM: You digress, of course, here, just plop it on the easel. Now, what are you bringing me this for?

BARNABAS: I want you to age it.

SAM: Age it? This? This is hardly a new painting! It must be over a hundred years old already. If you want, I could distress the frame with sandpaper and then slap some peanut butter and jelly over the picture and wipe it with tack cloth, but I doubt that will do much. Why do you want this done?

BARNABAS: This is a job to be done with no questions. I don't want you to distress the portrait itself, just the subject in the painting so that she ages older and older until she is well over a hundred years old… maybe two. And I'd like you to begin at precisely 10:15PM and use the stiffest bristles you can manage.

SAM: But, Mister Collins, this is such gorgeous workmanship. How about I just buy it off of you for $50?

BARNABAS: How about I pay you $500 to do what I asked?

SAM: Are you serious?

BARNABAS: Do I look like I'm jesting?

SAM: (studious joviality) You *could* be playing dead pan.

BARNABAS: Mr. Evans, I would like the job done by you. With your skill, I am sure it can be accomplished to grand perfection… (distracted) I say, you appear to have gotten lost in thought…

SAM: (pause) Hmm…? I have an odd feeling…

BARNABAS: Yes?

SAM: Like I've seen her before…

BARNABAS: Oh my… not recently, have you?

SAM: No… (softly) but it seems so long ago… so very long that it would surpass my own life span…

BARNABAS: Her face is familiar to you?

SAM: No… not simply her face… the hair… the clothes… (heated) … everything.

BARNABAS: Mr. Evans… you are looking… a little…

SAM: _Vengeful?_ I believe I may feel somehow wronged by this image… Mr. Collins – I'll do it!

BARNABAS: With the harshest of brushes?

SAM: Of course.

BARNABAS: At 10:15PM precisely?

SAM: Yes… in fact, I'll just cover this up and put on an alarm here.

BARNABAS: Good idea. If you continue to stare at it, you look like you may become too eager.

SAM: I believe you're right. What could be coming over me I can't say, but I'm sure it'll make the work go _faster_.

BARNABAS: I understand. There are cases of familiarity that can charge certain emotions. (assuredness begins breaking up) Déjà vu has that… effect… on…

SAM: Mr. Collins, now you look a little lost.

BARNABAS: You know, Mr. Evans… there's something more familiar to me about you as well. I can't place it yet. Hmm… I suppose it's only…

SAM: (thoughtfully) A fluke? Likely. Not surprised. Déjà vu, funny…

BARNABAS: I believe it literally means "already seen".

SAM: Yes… French isn't it? P'shhh… that in itself is giving me déjà vu.

BARNABAS: Is it? I suppose we can only continue to wonder on that score.

MILLIGAN: With this part of Barnabas Collins's errands out of the way, we return you to Schooner Bay.

[door closing]

MRS. MUIR: Well, here we are. Home sweet home.

OLDER WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh, Mrs. Muir- hello?

MRS. MUIR: Oh, Martha, these are two people I met at Norrie's. This is Carolyn Stoddard and Tony Peterson. This is my housekeeper and good friend, Martha.

[The three exchange introductory hellos.]

MRS. MUIR: They came out to Norrie's all the way from Collinsport.

MARTHA: Collinsport? My, what a long drive! I've heard of peculiar goings ons there abouts.

TONY: I hate to be a spreader of superstition but anything you may have heard is likely fairly close to true, with a grain of salt, ma'am.

CAROLYN: (tittering) Well, perhaps a quarter-teaspoon of salt, to be more accurate.

MARTHA: Really?

CAROLYN: It's all the stormy weather, puts people into a flight of fancy.

[crash of thunder]

MARTHA: You think _you've_ got stormy weather? We do, as well, but it comes and goes so quickly sometimes. That flash and crash? Likely to make a drizzle and go out in two minutes.

CAROLYN: Probably all heads over to us.

TONY: Could be, I always wondered if any place nearby had prior warnings.

MRS. MUIR: Well, Martha, I wanted to show them the painting of the Captain. They know someone who may be able to clean and refurbish it.

MARTHA: (happily) Oh? Well, in that case have at it. I'll make some coffee to prepare you for the long journey. It will be nice to have a reprieve from the Captain a while.

MRS. MUIR: Martha, are the children in bed?

MARTHA: Oh, yes, all tucked in and sleeping like angels. We have the evening to ourselves.

MRS. MUIR: Good work, Martha. Well, let's move into the parlour here and you can look over the painting. (under her breath) Yes, I can trust them, stop worrying.

CAROLYN: (confused) Why would I be worried?

MRS. MUIR: (jumps a bit) Oh, well, it _is_ a little hard to clean, I'm sure. Well, perhaps I was worried.

[steps into another room. Click of lamp.]

MRS. MUIR: Here is the painting; Captain Gregg, he built this house and named it Gull Cottage. And, of course (falters) the bits of mustard off to the side… ahem…

CAROLYN: Oh, my, very grand, forbidding, but with a certain charm… well, minus the condiments of course.

TONY: Yes, quite an admirable looking seaman.

MRS. MUIR: (under her breath) Yes, _see_, told you we could trust them.

TONY: Hmm? Mrs. Muir, you _do_ have the habit of muttering.

MRS. MUIR: Oh, I do apologize. I tend to make mental notes in a verbal manner. I'm a writer. Are you very impressed with the portrait?

CAROLYN: Oh, yes! It's quite a change from the paintings of ancestors we have at Collinwood. With those paintings it seems to be mainly about wealth and stature rather than showing what they spend time doing. They're all so stuffy, barely a hint of a smile, but then Tony explains that's a newer expectation in portraiture.

MRS. MUIR: Oh, my, yes! Have you seen a set of the presidents portraits all lined up? I believe there was this idea (under her breath quickly) yes I'm _getting_ to that (back to normal volume) that if one smiled it wasn't dignified. But nowadays that idea has changed.

TONY: Yes, it has. A bit of Hollywood taking over. A smiling face is so much more inviting, I suppose, though I prefer honesty in expression, however it forms.

MARTHA: Here _is_ the coffee. So, are you going to leave a nice empty space over the mantel?

CAROLYN: Oh, not for too long, Martha.

MARTHA: (disappointed) Oh, I was hoping it would be a while. I'd feel a richer sense of serenity if it were… (steps out)

CAROLYN: She _does_ speak her mind, doesn't she? (giggle)

MRS. MUIR: (pleasantly) Like I said (pouring coffee) Martha is not only a housekeeper, but a friend.

TONY: Is the painting set with a basic hanging in the back?

MRS. MUIR: Oh, yes. If you can lift it and place it in your car, I'm sure it will be simple enough and, (under her breath, irritated) yes I know! (normal volume) we'll put it in paper and cloth to see it's not damaged.

MILLIGAN: And we leave them to have their coffee and transport the painting in peace. We now take you to the Main House of Collinwood, where Elizabeth Stoddard is in the drawing room wondering over a particular postcard as Roger walks in.

[sound of crackling fire, seat being taken]

ROGER: Liz? You seem a bit concerned over that. Any worries?

ELIZABETH: (mild surprise) Well… it's nice to hear you care.

ROGER: Oh, of course. I've been feeling a great deal better lately, just going over some legal matters. But what have you got there?

ELIZABETH: A postcard from Victoria.

ROGER: Ah, and how is our old governess doing?

ELIZABETH: A shaky hand wrote this, I'm afraid… postmark says Washington state, but I can't make out the city.

ROGER: Likely went to go and investigate the Space Needle in Seattle. I hear that's quite a structure for fools without fear.

ELIZABETH: Rog-_er_… Must you always have something acidic to add?

ROGER: Of course… you know me.

ELIZABETH: (sighing) To be sure, I do. At least you're calmer these days. Anyway, I do wish this fellow she finally picked out had a sure name. It doesn't surprise me she didn't tack it onto her own yet. The paper work for their marriage was so hazy.

ROGER: Ah, well… They tried… and people take it as read that their married as things are. To many of us, emblems and watermarks make a document, but the ceremony still holds higher importance to most people. If only _I'd_ been so wise to take my marriage vows as simply, then I wouldn't have to bother looking over the contractual mess of it.

ELIZABETH: Sorry to hear that, Roger… I did warn you not to marry her.

ROGER: I know it. B-u-t, I'll see how binding it all is. Anyway, what does Victoria write?

ELIZABETH: Well, the most recent place they stayed had a murder investigation going on, but they've been able to leave and move ahead.

ROGER: Heh! That doesn't sound like a good start at getting away from all the bizarre turmoil of this place. Maybe she took some of it with her.

ELIZABETH: I wouldn't think so. She was so happy when they left.

ROGER: So you said. And glad to hear it. (reassuring) Well, perhaps it was only a stroke of bad luck. If they're still on the road there's hope for them yet.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, Roger.

ROGER: You're welcome, Sister.

[patting of shoulder]

…

MILLIGAN: Little does Roger realize that his missing lady… that I _covet so highly_… has been neglecting him while snooping through windows at her old abode. I suppose she doesn't want to put in an appearance until she discovers why she's been summoned… elsewhere… Next we return to the Old House, where a not so blood-sucking anachronism of a man awaits a visitor as he has a courteous discussion with the dependable Wadsworth.

BARNABAS: I must thank you for conveying that message to… Cassandra for me.

WADSWORTH: Oh, it took a bit of driving to find her, but I was sure a certain mystic beautician in Boston would have patched up the works of our heroic Mrs. Johnson. A dream curse can only go so far.

BARNABAS: Really? Did you tell my cousin Roger _where_ she was?

WADSWORTH: I suggested it. She does seem to have the kind of vanity that gave him no misgivings about the idea.

BARNABAS: You always make me want to raise your salary.

WADSWORTH: Ah, there is no need of that quite yet. I appreciate the effort and after all of my own history, it's very nice to have such a large place to be sequestered. I do welcome the leeway you've bestowed, and the solitude.

BARNABAS: Of course. You've earned it.

WADSWORTH: If you don't mind, sir. I believe I shall venture down to the cellar and continue with my… preserves.

BARNABAS: Oh, very good, Wadsworth. You give yourself _all_ the leisure time you want tonight.

WADSWORTH: I shall, I do anticipate we'll both be needing a bit of priv'vacy.

BARNABAS: Yes, I am expecting _someone_ almost at this very minute.

[knocks on the door]

WADSWORTH: Shall I answer?

BARNABAS: No, you do best to make your way down to your preserves. I shall answer it.

WADSWORTH: Good evening, sir.

[steps, cellar door opening]

BARNABAS: And Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: Yes, sir?

BARNABAS: Don't be hindered to keep quiet. A few rattling chains would certainly add to the atmosphere this evening.

WADSWORTH: (devilishly) Very good, sir.

[cellar door shuts, steps, creak of the Old House front door]

BARNABAS: Please come in Miss-

CASSANDRA: (self-assured) Mrs. Roger Collins.

BARNABAS: Oh, dear, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting. Well, what kept you? Oh, dear is that a cat scratch at your arm?

CASSANDRA: No, it's from a bladed glo—oh, nevermind.

STRAINS OF SINGING FROM THE CELLAR: _How d'you do? I see you've met my faithful handyman…He's just a little brought down because when you knocked…He thought you were the candyman._

CASSANDRA: (perturbed) Oh dear, perhaps you have company and this is the wrong time?

BARNABAS: (self-assured) Oh… no… hardly.

STRAINS OF SINGING FROM THE CELLAR: _"Don't get strung out by the way I look! Don't judge a book by it's cover-r-r!"_

CASSANDRA: What was that?

BARNABAS: Oh, just one of the ghosts around here… you _do_ know we have a plentiful variety of ghosts in Collinwood, yes?

CASSANDRA: No, I didn't well-

STRAINS OF SINGING CONTINUED: "_I'm not much of a man by the light of day, But by night I'm one hell of a lover!"_

BARNABAS: (politely ignoring singing) I haven't seen you around Collinwood lately (pouring brandy) I thought perhaps you were on a vacation?

SINGING: _"Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty gro-o-ovy!"_

CASSANDRA: No, (agitated by the distraction) I just decided to go to Boston for some shopping.

BARNABAS: Without telling anyone? That's peculiar, isn't it?

CASSANDRA: Is it? Well actually, no one even knows I've come back from that trip.

BARNABAS: Or went on it…

CASSANDRA: I had an idea you had a portrait my husband seems to have misplaced.

BARNABAS: Misplaced? You must have snuck over there and peeped in a window to get that information.

CASSANDRA: Perhaps I did. I believe that portrait is missing.

BARNABAS: (soft but plesantly) How fortunate… (regular voice) Will you have a brandy? As you can see… *I* AM having one!

CASSANDRA: Why not? It has been a bit draughty in this-

BARNABAS: House coat?

CASSANDRA: -chilly night air.

BARNABAS: Of course, (hands her glass) I know you're used to… a much… WARMER climate?

CASSANDRA: (vaguely ticked) I'm not a native of Maine, all right?

BARNABAS: Well, do *I* look of Passamaquoddy lineage to you?

CASSANDRA: Passama-what?

BARNABAS: Have your brandy…

SINGING: _"Well, you got caught with a flat? How 'bout that? Well, babies, don't you panic! By the light of the night, it'll be alright! I'll get you a Satanic Mechanic!"_

[sipping noises, then a quiet splutter]

CASSANDRA: (wipes her mouth) You still haven't mentioned why you wanted me here.

[Singing fades into the distance.]

BARNABAS: Well. It is… TEN-THIRTEEN PM and all is well.

CASSANDRA: Do you normally shout out the time?

BARNABAS: Not normally, but then here we are… with not another soul about.

SINGING ABRUPTLY RETURNING: _"I'm just a sweet transvestite! From TRANSSSS-SEXUAL_…" [singing dies away]

CASSANDRA: (sips, trying to shake off bizarre scenario) _Good brandy_… I must say I'm rather tired of sherry.

BARNABAS: I do hope so. You see, I think *tired* is a good word for how you will feel in… five… four… three… two…

CASSANDRA: What are you-

BARNABAS: ONE!

CASSANDRA: OW!

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile at the Evan's Cottage where Sam has become possessed of a previous life as Andre DuPres…

SAM: GRR! (harsh brush strokes on canvas) Despicable monster! I remember now and _strait from the underworld_. I hate you and what you did to my daughter you conniving, wrathful, underside of a beast! Now you are sixty and with this stroke I'm moving you on to eighty!

MILLIGAN: And back at the Old House.

CASSANDRA: That SMARTS!

BARNABAS: (angry) It darn well ought to! You've interfered with my family and love life far too long.

CASSANDRA: (horrified) My hand! It's wrinkled and gnarled!

BARNABAS: Well, here's a mirror if you'd like to powder your nose.

CASSANDRA: My face! What is _in_ that Ponds Cold Cream?

BARNABAS: Nevermind! You shall either repent what you've done or wither away back to the bubbling sulfur of Hell!

CASSANDRA: I'm allergic to sulfites!

BARNABAS: Then stop drinking wine!

CASSANDRA: I know what you've done! And I will find who is responsible!

BARNABAS: (amused) What? No pretending you _aren't_ Angelique?

CASSANDRA: WHO?

BARNABAS: (has had it) Oh, fine! I'll open the door for you and your miserable fro!

CASSANDRA: AHHHHHHH! (clomping out the door.)

…

MILLIGAN: We now return you to the Evan's Cottage, not to be confused with Gull Cottage… well, maybe, kind of.

[knock, knock, knock]

SAM: (wildy possessed) Oh, être foutu and sacré merde… durn pestering folks, who could _that_ be?

[stomping to the door]

[crash of thunder as the door opens]

CAROLYN: That weather DID follow us here!

TONY: It did indeed.

SAM: (breaking free of "possession") HUH? Carolyn? Mr. Peterson?

TONY: That's me!

SAM: What're you doing here?

CAROLYN: Oh, Mr. Evans, please let us in, I'm afraid it'll rain any minute!

SAM: Oh… (coming to a more normal behavior) Of course, come right in. Shall I perk some coffee?

TONY: Oh, we've already had quite a bit in Schooner Bay.

SAM: Schooner Bay?

CAROLYN: Oh, yes, Mr. Evans, we were just there and there was this very kind woman who needed a painting cleaned and refurbished and we just thought of you, naturally.

SAM: Well! I'm already working on something, in fact, it's a bit in a particular schedule for right now, I mean…

CAROLYN: Oh, I knew you'd be just the man for the job, let's bring this in…

[lugging noises]

SAM: Oh, honestly, Miss Stoddard, I can't work on this right now.

TONY: You mentioned something about coffee?

SAM: I thought you didn't want…

CAROLYN: Oh, yes, Mr. Evans, _please_ perk some coffee up. Can you make it strong?

SAM: (gratified) Well… it's about the only way I can make it.

[steps out]

CAROLYN: Good thinking, Tony.

TONY: (somewhat sensuous) Anything for you, Miss Stoddard.

CAROLYN: Oh, Tony, you are so formal.

TONY: I noticed he became that way when things weren't going how he expected.

CAROLYN: Yes, something is going on here, let's see what- *GASP*!

TONY: What is it? …**GOOD GOD!**

CAROLYN: (shocked) No kidding! That looks like Uncle Roger's wife!

TONY: And then some! But she's older and…

CAROLYN: Coming well unglued… I think…

TONY: We need to hide this before…

CAROLYN: Before he fixes it to what she looks like now?

TONY: Exactly!

CAROLYN: Ok, let's get to it! Switch the portraits.

TONY: Right behind you.

[more lugging noises… door closing]

SAM: (none the wiser) All right, here's the coffee… hey, what the heck?

[car motor noises]

MILLIGAN: And essentially, as our listeners may easily have discerned Carolyn and Tony are leaving with the painting]

SAM: Well, my bonté, I might as well go back to… WHAT THE _HELL_ IS _THIS_ PAINTING?

[Dark Shadow crescendo of downfall theme… then exit The Ghost & Mrs. Muir TV Theme]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980s film)

Rocky Horror Picture Show (film)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960s TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960s TV Show)

_Yep! It's getting different around here! But still, funny? Oui? The reviews are easy, so please, please, pretty please? ;) Thanks for reading._


	5. Episode 5: Saving Pop

_Summary:_

_This installment involves Tony and Carolyn discussing why she hasn't gone to college while they look for a place to stash the painting of Angelique._

_Next Barnabas and Prof. Stokes engage in a discussion involving some befuddling correspondence, as well as the whereabouts of Willie Loomis. _

_Meanwhile, the Evans Cottage is busy with Maggie and Sam discussing her possible employment as David's new governess, as well as her soured relationship with Joe. Upon Maggie leaving for her waitress shift, Capt Gregg appears and much is revealed of a supernatural bent after that. Angelique arrives to take back her painting but... Whoops! ...wait...Where is it?_

* * *

><p><span>The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode Five: "Saving Pop"<span>

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness opening cave-like noises]

MILLIGAN: Good evening and once again I welcome you with a whole heart, in various degrees of wickedness, of course, to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. I am your host Sir Simon Milligan and for those of you without a whole heart, one of both courage and deviousness, get up and go to your radio and turn the station. Go on! Exercise your exclusive uselessness to look away from your Jungian demons!

[Odd chanting, hypnotic soundtrack continues, along with audience participatory tittering.]

MILLIGAN: Now, for those of you who have remained, listen to my voice and know that to listen TO my voice is to hear the dulcet tones of E-V-I-L… Yes! I have walked along the path of evil continuously, incessantly… without trepidation… until of course a branch trips me up, or I'm trodden upon by happy joggers in track suits, or a particular bit of graffiti carved into a tree startles the sheer crap out of me… BUT I CONTINUE FORWARD! And now I'd like to present one who encompasses the beauty of the mighty Beelzebub himself; Manservant Hecubus…

[crickets chirp]

MILLIGAN: Manservant Hecubus?

[crickets continue to chirp]

MILLIGAN: MANSERVANT HECUBUS!

HECUBUS: … Hi…

MILLIGAN: (screams terrifically) Ah! What are you thinking wandering from behind? (Catches his breath) Don't you know you should always-

HECUBUS: Not catapult my car into your parking spot and then get distracted by a fair damsel and show up late anyway?

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! You didn't! I had to park at the hardware store and walk two blocks!

HECUBUS: Yessss, Master…

MILLIGAN: EVIL! And now for the sleep of ages… (speaks some gibberish) Lava-l Sava-la KA TEE!

[Theme of Pit of Ultimate Darkness]

HECUBUS: (snores)

MILLIGAN: (claps hands) Hecubus!

HECUBUS: (snoozily) Yesss, Master?

MILLIGAN: Please inform our audience… and myself for I've forgotten… where we were in our story of Collinsport.

HECUBUS: (sleepily) Yes… the painter, Sam Evans, was being inhibited by a previous incarnation as he vandalized the portrait of the beauteous Angelique.

MILLIGAN: Yes… she is a dish, isn't she? And of course, this is the same painting I had in my shrine to her that you did away with to suffice that undeserving Roger Collins. Pff… If she only knew MY feelings…

HECUBUS: Yes, Master… and as this beauteous evil was being so vandalized, two young lovers managed to switch his work with another portrait from Gull Cottage in Schooner Bay.

MILLGAN: And pray, who was in this portrait?

HECUBUS: A sea captain of extraordinary valour and spirit.

THUNDEROUS ENGLISH VOICE: THANK YOU! Yes, I am!

MILLIGAN: AH! What was that?

GREGG: It is I. Captain Daniel Gregg, or if you prefer, the ghost thereof.

MILLIGAN: This is preposterous. Ghosts are invisible. How am I seeing and hearing you?

GREGG: Because I wish it.

MILLIGAN: Well, this is a new one on me! Tell me, Captain, what are you intending for our vista of iniquity?

GREGG: I was hoping you would tell me!

HECUBUS: Master… I am fading…

MILLIGAN: Precisely, well, on with the show!

[Dark Shadows Theme Music]

[Hum of car motor]

CAROLYN: That was daring of us, wasn't it?

TONY: Yes, I'm feeling like I did in college, by golly.

CAROLYN: But, I'm not sure where to go. That thing is awfully cursed.

TONY: Cursed? No such thing.

CAROLYN: Oh, Tony, please. You live in Collinsport. You must be aware of the seriously unexplained phenomenon we have going on here.

TONY: (sighs) Yes… but I didn't want to be the one to say it.

CAROLYN: Well, that's fine. But I'm not sure where to… oh, wait a minute… wait just a minute… no don't slow down the car.

TONY: What is it?

CAROLYN: Remember, well, maybe you don't, I was held hostage by that… um, the big fella in the cemetery.

TONY: Oohhh! Yeah, that was quite a while ago, wasn't it?

CAROLYN: If you call a few weeks quite a while ago. Anyway, we could stash the painting there.

TONY: Do you remember where it is?

CAROLYN: Well, between you, me, and the glove box, I do. It's an old root cellar and it's off to the right of Eagle Hill Cemetery.

TONY: All right. I'll take a turn here and we'll be on our way. (a pause) Carolyn, do you mind if I ask you why you have remained so long in Collinsport these days? You seem the type to be attending a college at this point.

CAROLYN: Well you can see part of it. It has been a bit beyond the norm of drama, even for a wealthy family with too much time on their hands.

TONY: Again, I didn't want to be the one to actually say it.

CAROLYN: No need, my dear. I'm aware how strange it all appears. I had a few colleges in mind and my mother had a few others, of course. I did send out some applications and had a few acceptances, really. (sighs) but oh…

TONY: Nothing piqued your interest?

CAROLYN: Well, I remember getting so discouraged by a few applications. The questions were so inane! All the choices STANK. If I had written those up I would have asked the questions in a completely different way. And in multiple choice it was like picking the best of the really bad. The alternative from those schools was a degree at Iowa State, which might have been fun, but that's about it.

TONY: I see. Yes, I can't really see you as a Home Economics type, fitting up the frilly apron and powdering cupcakes.

CAROLYN: Me neither. They have other options there, but that's how I looked at it. See, I _knew_ I liked you… So what would you see me as?

TONY: Oh, well… considering the life you've been spending here, I'd anticipate a mystery novelist, or at least into gothic romance, or a bit of both, you know.

CAROLYN: Nancy Drew incarnate?

TONY: Oh, well, a bit more adult than that, I'd say.

CAROLYN: (laughing) Ah, well, I don't think I could do the writing part. But I think the administrative parts I'd be happy with. Remember who I come from.

TONY: Really? With all this material, you don't think you could do the writing part?

CAROLYN: No… it's tempting to try but I'd be happier dropping a few hints to some writers in a publishing firm. My lot is more familiar with the numbers side of things. But I thank you for the encouragement.

TONY: Carolyn Stoddard, you are my kind of girl.

CAROLYN: (thoughtful) You know something, Tony? I think I am… Oh, there it is!

…

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, at the home of Professor Stokes, of which, if there is a name for it, escapes me at present.

[doorbell noise]

STOKES: Oh, good evening Mister Collins. And how did the other night go with…?

BARNABAS: Very well, except…

STOKES: Oh, dear… some other catastrophe has come to light as a result?

BARNABAS: Not exactly. My plan was fairly successful, well, minus a few distractions.

STOKES: You didn't become too emotional did you?

BARNABAS: (pauses) … perhaps…

STOKES: Mister Collins, you do realize that becoming too emotionally involved when practicing the mysterious arts is a fatal mistake. One needs emotion yes, but FOCUS is more important.

BARNABAS: (sighs) I know. You explained that and you are most correct, Professor Stokes. It presents a more vivid look at why her various curses at me keep dragging on so long.

STOKES: Centuries long, I'm not sure I'd call that a fatal mistake.

BARNABAS: Well, it's really my long-dead ancestor she's after. I'm just a descendant from England.

STOKES: (snickers knowingly) Of course, Mister Collins.

BARNABAS: Still… she keeps missing the target to my ultimate demise; Too much emotional involvement with the subject, Professor. I reference this as an example to keep in mind.

STOKES: As well you should, Mister Collins. And now, I must make a small confession.

BARNABAS: OH?!

STOKES: A small one, mind you, but nonetheless of peculiar importance. I shan't ask you what you know about Adam and his whereabouts. Perhaps it is best I don't understand entirely his background and what others understand him to be.

BARNABAS: What did you wish to express?

STOKES: I wanted to express that I was briefly tutoring him, in however few hours I could make an impression.

BARNABAS: I see. I suppose with your astute and collegiate background, no other person would be better equipped to handle such an infantile personality.

STOKES: As it turns out, my attempts at instruction did not go to waste.

BARNABAS: Indeed?

STOKES: Yes, I wanted to share with you this lovely picture postcard.

[Sounds of cardstock flipping and being exchanged]

BARNABAS: (much surprise) New York?

STOKES: According to both the postmark and the photo on the front.

BARNABAS: (reading) "I have left Collinsport to pursue a career in cleansing agents. I thank you deeply for your patronage and assistance. I have changed my name and intend to live a fruitful life and discover who I am amongst these many oddly placed parts. Your grateful friend, A."

STOKES: I presumed you wondered.

BARNABAS: And perhaps I have. (fluttering cardstock) It has certainly been a strange journey with… that one.

STOKES: That ONE is precisely in question. He represents the allegory of the many within one, as it were.

BARNABAS: That is an interesting metaphor to place upon him, and likely a very true one. Aren't we all placed from various parts… PAST and present?

STOKES: (chuckles) I take it you are referencing my ancestor who was the servant of your (coughs) ancestor… Do you know much about this Benjamin?

BARNABAS: A fair amount, and I must admit there is only a few rare sketches of his likeness in the family history, but you do resemble them greatly and it…

STOKES: Makes you feel a deeper kinship to me?

BARNABAS: You couldn't have expressed it better.

STOKES: I understand. And I must admit I appreciate this as well.

BARNABAS: It's more than that… as you may know, there are so rarely conclusions and resolutions in the family history, even after one has passed away, but with Ben…

STOKES: He was resolved… he did well.

BARNABAS: Yes… he did. You are the living proof. And I am very grateful for it. And with that I feel the need to share my own little missive, on the topic of hired help.

[paper fluttering noise]

STOKES: Wyndcliff? Who do you know there? Well, I suppose I could just read… (befuddled) no I _can't_.

BARNABAS: Yes, it's a bit like the print of a pussy-cat holding a Japanese brush.

STOKES: Shodo, indeed. If only Soseki's Cat could talk…

BARNABAS: Who?

STOKES: Mr. Collins, really, you seem to be a man solely of antiquity, as though there is a gap of time you've missed.

BARNABAS: Of course, not! If nothing else, I certainly know who Dale Carnegie is… At any rate, you're holding the letter upside down.

STOKES: Oh, my! Well, yes… wait a second. If you hold it upside down, there appears to be an arrangement of letters written differently to create a secret message.

BARNABAS: OH? Can you decipher it?

STOKES: I believe I… yes… Be sure…

BARNABAS: Sure? In this town?

STOKES: T'… wait, to… um… yes it's to, but as a numeral.

BARNABAS: Hmm, Be sure to… what?

STOKES: Drink…

BARNABAS: Oh, well, perhaps we shan't need to know-

STOKES: …your…

BARNABAS: Really, Professor…

STOKES: Oval…

BARNABAS: Erm…

STOKES: (confounded) Ovaltine?

BARNABAS: Huh? What is that?

STOKES: Why on earth would he… Mister Collins, do you have a vitamin deficiency of some kind?

BARNABAS: (wising up) It may be said I have something of that kind. No fear, though. My valet is giving me precisely the things I need.

[paper fluttering]

STOKES: Well, why that was in code is enough a mystery. How about the basic prose? Hmm…

BARNABAS: Yes, well, I already had Dr. Hoffman decipher it, so I can read it to you. Doctors are better equipped at deducing this griffonage than a layman, you know.

STOKES: I wish you would.

BARNABAS: (reading)" I am getting Beeman's everyday… " no, "I am getting _better_ every day. How are things at the house? Am sorry I didn't get to the pipe on the woodstove, but the creosote was very thick and I couldn't find the right brush to get all the gunk off. "

STOKES: Did he care about that work so much?

BARNABAS: Oh, yes, you'd be surprised how much our Willie managed to get accomplished with all of the, erm, other things going on at the time. (continues) "Say hello to the Doc for me and please stay out of trouble. If you ever need another handyman, well, you know where I am. I guess I miss Collinwood, you could say. Willie."

STOKES: Mr. Collins, do you think there might be something in the woodstove he speaks of? A message or object?

BARNABAS: I must say I have my doubts, but, considering Wadsworth is working on it now, I suppose I could let him know.

STOKES: He may already know. However, I am curious. Would you permit a presumption on my part in regards to Mr. Loomis?

BARNABAS: Well I would just as soon dispose of the pipe and replace much of the stove. What do you propose?

STOKES: No, not the stove. Willie, that is, I'd like to send him a few things, maybe have a specialist out to see him.

BARNABAS: (alarmed) Specialist? Why I believe he's getting the best treatment a Collins salary can provide!

STOKES: Not medical, Mr. Collins. I mean, calligraphy.

BARNABAS: (incredulous) Calligraphy? Willie?

STOKES: Yes, Mr. Collins. You'd be surprised at the benefits in character that can be gleaned from the result of simple, good penmanship.

BARNABAS: Professor… I think you have something there.

STOKES: The address, please?

BARNABAS: Of course…

* * *

><p>MILlIGAN: Meanwhile at the Evan's Cottage.<p>

[Door opening and shutting, footfalls.]

MAGGIE: Pop? Pop? Why are you just sitting there? Pop?

SAM: (as though waking up) Erm? Oh? Oh, Maggie! Where have you been all day?

MAGGIE: Oh, I was over at Collinwood for… Pop, are you all right? Were you at the Blue Whale last night?

SAM: Oh, no, I certainly wasn't there. I can promise you that. I was here.

MAGGIE: What were you doing?

SAM: Well, I had a painting project to work on and I got very involved in it and then, Miss Stoddard and Mr. Peterson showed up, just right out of the blue, and all of a sudden… THIS painting was here instead.

MAGGIE: Oh, I see. (gets up and starts walking around) Well, this looks like something you'd put together, except…

SAM: Yes, I know, there are various stains and such. I'm guessing I ought to work on doing a cleaning.

MAGGIE: Pop, do you have all the supplies you need for a cleaning? I don't think you've done one for a year, really.

SAM: Well, 7 months, but still. Who's counting? So what was this about being at Collinwood all day?

MAGGIE (sighing) Well, as you probably know, David's governess got married and packed up.

SAM: Oh… OH!... Oh? … Oh, yes! I remember now. Vicky… Did she really get married all ready?

MAGGIE: Yes, Pop. Anyway, that leaves Roger's little boy David without a governess, so believe it or not, Mrs. Stoddard asked _me._

SAM: Oh! My goodness, well… I'm not even sure what to say. Except that… well, no, I suppose the word Nanny isn't exactly appropriate.

MAGGIE: NO, Pop, you've got that right. It's just that the topic itself is a bit…

SAM: High-fallutin'?

MAGGIE: Exactly! I suppose I'd have to give up my job at the coffee shop.

SAM: Well… would that be so bad a proposition?

Maggie: Well…. I'd miss it, Pop.

SAM: Of course you would, but, well, why not?

MAGGIE: I almost wish I could do both.

SAM: (incredulous) Both? _Why?_

MAGGIE: (uncertain) Well, I just feel like… I don't know… It's like I'm pulled in two different directions and I don't want to pick between the two.

SAM: Maggie, which one do you feel is _really_ you?

MAGGIE: What?

SAM: Which of those options appeals to you more? Which one pulls you closer… I mean… you remember you took that job to bail us out. (sighs) You said yourself, you thought every member of the Evans family was born already in trouble. On some of us, it just doesn't show as much. Looks like it's finally starting to show on you.

MAGGIE: (light laugh) I doubt picking between two jobs has much to do with being born in trouble, Pop.

SAM: Why not? It's a life choice, isn't it? P-l-u-s, you're having trouble with Joe lately and—

MAGGIE: (irritatable) Oh, don't remind me…

SAM: I know, but, really… you were so upset at him because he started treating you like, well, as though he was in charge of all your choices… whatever… Even with how good he's been to you and me. Then there was that other situation that he kept interrogating you about… Wasn't it just some jewelry or something?

MAGGIE: I don't want to talk about it.

SAM: All _right_… anyway, I know how stuff like that gets your dander up. It might be the reason your having a hard time making the decision. Taking care of one child sounds simpler than serving out food to all sorts of folks in a more confined space. But the choice is yours.

MAGGIE: (awkward acceptance) Thanks. .. Still, I'm used to waitressing. Feels funny just to switch like that.

SAM: Anyway… well, I'm not sure how to tell you what to decide… but… how about you doing the evening shift at the coffee shop and spending your dayshift at Collinwood? Whad'ya say?

MAGGIE: (surprised) Oh! That… hmm?

SAM: You could figure out which one feels like the better fit for you, Maggie.

MAGGIE: I'll call Mrs. Stoddard, but, Pop, for now, what about this painting?

SAM: Erm? Oh! Yes, this painting… well, I suppose I'll hear about what the particulars are from those two who left it to my disposal. Anyway, Maggie, you have the night shift tonight at any rate, that will give you the right back-drop to think about how tired you might be from looking over a kid and textbooks all day, only to slave out the rest of the time among the locals, likely wanting something juicy when they find out what you're doing.

MAGGIE: (slightly cheered) _That's_ true. I'll have that to think about. Well, I'm out the door to work. (door creaking) Love you, Pop!

SAM: Love you too, Maggie. (door closing) Now… what is with this painting? Who are you Captain Mysterious?

[noise of Capt. Gregg appearing]

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Gregg!

SAM: (disbelief) What the hell?

GREGG: Yes. Captain Daniel Gregg, or if you prefer, the ghost thereof.

SAM: I must be hearing things.

GREGG: No, sir, if you were, you'd be seeing things as well as me at this very moment.

SAM: Well, I'll be damned. I _can_ see you! Who the hell are you?

GREGG: Whom do you suppose? The man in the portrait, my good sir.

SAM: But that's not possible, you've been dead for-

GREGG: An hundred years, my good man, but don't let it distress you… heaven knows it's distressed my painting.

SAM: BUT, you're a-

GREGG: A ghost? (chuckles) And don't I know it!

SAM: Then how am I seeing you?

GREGG: Because I _wish_ it!

SAM: (incredulous) Oh, is that how it works?

GREGG: In my case it does. I accidentally kicked over the gas heater by my bedside and within those terms of the afterlife… you see there are various bureaucratic influences and so many superfluous-

SAM: (knowledgably) You're in limbo.

GREGG: Likely… and most regrettably so. But, you need to be aware of a number of things that I know. There is woman coming, a woman who is a bit fragmented.

SAM: (vaguely peeved) Angelique Bouchard?

GREGG: (shocked) You know that? You can't know that!

SAM: Bon sang, je ne peux!

GREGG: (takes a breath) Andre, is that you?

SAM: Oui!

GREGG: But Andre, you can't do this, that's possession!

SAM: Oui, but I am he, ye'know.

GREGG: Andre! You cannot do this!

SAM: I protect my daughter then, I protect her now, what difference does it make?

GREGG: Good lord, I just wanted my painting to be fixed, how in the afterlife-

[knock knock knock]

MILIGAN: And everyone knows the love of MY life has come knocking on the door!

SAM: Pour l'amour de dieu!

GREGG: Drop it, Andre, PLEASE!

SAM: Why?

GREGG: Be the man you were before you answer that door, please! Be the man you were! Let him go, Andre, please!

SAM: Oui, que m'importe?

GREGG: Let the man of NOW get back into his skin, please!

SAM: (normal again) Okay, (door creaking), Yes?

WITHERED CREATURE: Are you Sam Evans?

SAM: Who wants to know?

WITHERED CREATURE: (stepping in) It makes no difference; all that matters is that you have my painting.

SAM: I doubt it.

WITHERED CREATURE: What? Where is my painting?

SAM: I must say, what I remember of it looked a good deal like you.

WITHERED CREATURE: But where is it? Where did you put it?

SAM: If you are talking about what I had in my possession once but has recently been taken, I have no idea, honestly.

WITHERED CREATURE: This is crucial to my existence.

SAM: I don't blame you for saying so. Anything might be crucial to YOUR existence at this point; I'd wager twenty supplements a day.

WITHERED CREATURE: Who is in _that_ painting?

SAM: Well, that's an old captain friend of mine, and we've been sailing these painted shores for well nigh over…

GREGG: An hundred…

SAM: A hundred years, so if you please…

WITHERED CREATURE: (getting foul) What have you done with it!? Where is my painting?!

SAM: How should I know, Madam?

WITHERED CREATURE: RAWWWHHHHHRRRR!

[clomping stamps, door slams.]

GREGG: Well, I suppose that got rid of her. Don't worry, she never saw me, though she certainly had more ability to than most.

SAM: Captain?

GREGG: What?

SAM: I said, "Captain,"

GREGG: I said, "What?"

SAM: I said, "Captain"!

GREGG: I said, what'you'want?

SAM: Well, now that we've disposed of the problem, I'm wondering, how do you want me to go about cleaning this painting?

GREGG: In the normal way you would, I suppose.

SAM: And you'll keep me company? Honestly, It's pretty boring work.

GREGG: I shall try.

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, Barnabas returns home and has a nap. And that nap goes something like this…

[Brief dream sequence]

Josette's music box theme in the background.

WOMAN: Good morning (carrying in tray)

MAN: Don't tell me that time travel is in it as well.

WOMAN: A woman is always impatient to wear a new dress. (twirls about) How do I look?

MAN: Different from the others. The maids come and they go.

WOMAN: We'll get along.

MAN: I'm sure you get along with everybody.

WOMAN: I've got a good mind to report you.

MAN: I'm new here!

POSTMAN: Special Delivery. Sign your number here number 6.

[muffled noises of waking up]

BARNABAS: Oh… *coughs* Wadsworth, you've got my…

WADSWORTH: Your… erm… Ovaltine, sir.

BARNABAS: So to speak, well thank you for the… um… [slurp] advice…

WADSWORTH: The car is ready if you would like to attend The Coffee Shop, sir.

BARNABAS: How did you kno-… oh, of course.

WADSWORTH: How could I not?

[car motor humming]

WADSWORTH: Would you like the radio,sir?

BARNABAS: Why not? What is the poetry of the day?

WADSWORTH: Let us see… (switch, click)

[Beatles "Hey Jude"]

BARNABAS: (listening) Oh… dear…

WADSWORTH: Have you found… "her", sir?

BARNABAS: I don't know…

WADSWORTH: You mentioned poetry of the day, sir. May I ask why?

BARNABAS: Well, Wadworth, there was a time when poetry was memorized and deeply admired… and as I find myself in this new centur- erm, in this new…

WADWORTH: Country, sir?

BARNABAS: Yes, well, to be sure, I've been interested in archives so long, I get a bit at home in olden times.

WADSWORTH: Of course, sir. So the poetry of the time?

BARNABAS: Oh, it is the popular song. With the coming of instruments powered by static and lightening fuel-

WADWORTH: Electricity, sir?

BARNABAS: Yes, now it seems the poetry is recalled in popular song. What fascinates me is that this was important long ago to children, they learned through songs of rhyming verse, and now we take this a step further. The poetry of the day is in the popular music. But, so much is about love scenarios, as well. Less story in it. Less teaching…

WADSWORTH: Well, here we are sir, (break noises) if I may ask, sir..

BARNABAS: Yes, Wadworth?

WADSWORTH: Might one take a sad song and make it better, sir?

BARNABAS: I… (hesitates) well, what else can one do with it?

[song continues with na-na's etc…car door opens , creaks a bit and shuts]

BARNABAS: (coughs) Oh my… what a… what a silly century…

[bell ringing, door shutting]

BARNABAS: Anyone here?

[steps]

MAGGIE: (pleased surprise) Barnabas Collins! (short laugh) I was JUST thinking about you. It gets so quiet in here now. I can finally listen to my own thoughts. Well! What brings you out tonight?

BARNABAS: It's late and I knew the hot plate was still on.

MAGGIE: Oh, no! I am going to perk us a fresh pot!

BARNABAS: Oh, please there is no need.

MAGGIE: Absolutely there is! I saved a packet of beans I ordered from Hawaii. It is not Kona, but it still beats anything.

BARNABAS: Oh, no, you mustn't.

MAGGIE: Yes, I must! I saved it for an occasion like this. Besides, I have far too much to chat about and I need a cup myself. I've been serving coffee all afternoon. Now you just have a seat. (walks to kitchen)

[chair scuffing floor, etc.]

BARNABAS: (speaking to himself) I think there needs to be more paintings of seaside scenes in this …

MAGGIE: (stepping back in) What's that?

BARNABAS: Just practicing.

MAGGIE: Oh? Practicing what?

BARNABAS: Sarcasm… it seems to be very prevalent in this day and … ahem… country... I'm not sure I have the knack of it.

MAGGIE: Ha, ha! Yes, that could require some practice. I must say, I likely have the knack if you want some pointers.

[Shuffling of cups and saucers in that heavy ceramic manifestation of noise]

BARNABAS: Oh, my, what a tray. Dear… Maggie, you _are_ excessively gregarious.

MAGGIE: Pff! Oh, really, Barnabas Collins, I insist. There is far too much going on that we simply need to talk about. Now, black, as usual?

BARNABAS: Perhaps as an emotional bracer…

MAGGIE: Crème and sugar? All ready, and…

BARNABAS: Crumpets? Good heavens…

MAGGIE: Spread with cinnamon apple butter, see I am not unmindful of your cultural heritage. Besides, we had them at your house already. I know what interests you.

BARNABAS: But don't you think this is far too much trouble to through on my account?

MAGGIE: (off-handed laugh) Not at all, I think a good coffee party is what we both need. I mean [chair scudding, seat taken] look at all that's been happening. Willie's gone, Wadsworth came along, Vicky and Peter married and left, Roger Collins got married, even that big fellow disappeared… the one that was keeping Carolyn hostage, and now she's off with that lawyer, we all had that terrible dream. And then! And then, those two are off to Schooner Bay and bring in a painting for Pop to fix!

BARNABAS: Goodness, Maggie, how did you wrap that up so neatly? You're better at the background of this town than the newspaper.

MAGGIE: I've got connections, you know, Mildred…

BARNABAS: Yes, Mildred Mayhem, I think I have, erm, caught the drift of that?

MAGGIE: Well… Your catchphrases are getting along, Barnabas. Anyway, (with trepidation) I have been offered a new job.

BARNABAS: (splutter) Come again?

MAGGIE: A job, Barnabas. It's at Collinwood… for David.

BARNABAS: David?

MAGGIE: Yes, your cousin, David?

BARNABAS: Victoria Winter's job?

MAGGIE: Yes, a governess, at Collinwood… You certainly are one to repeat what's been explained to you with a question mark… (thoughtful concern) Why… Barnabas you don't look a bit pleased.

BARNABAS: I, erm, I don't know. I suppose I should be pleased, but Maggie, are you sure you want to work there, that you want to be a governess?

MAGGIE: Well…. No!

[cups clattering]

MAGGIE: That's why I wanted to talk to you. I wanted your advice.

BARNABAS: (nervously) MY advice?

MAGGIE: Yes, Barnabas… right now, well, believe it or not… you're one of the closest friends I have in Collinsport.

BARNABAS: Me?

MAGGIE: Yes. You know, you do make a point of coming in for the coffee dregs during these off hours here. I doubt it was for the mountain grown richness of _Folgers_. It's not like I hadn't noticed.

HECUBUS: Master? Why do they keep mentioning beverage products? Aren't we supposed to be selling soap?

MILLIGAN: Not necessarily, my minion. Now shh!

BARNABAS: Oh? I thought you were seeing Joe Haskell.

MAGGIE: (disappointed) Oh, Joe. *sigh*.

BARNABAS: What is it?

MAGGIE: Well, we managed to split up recently. I really thought it would lead to marriage but he got jealous and…

BARNABAS: Jealous, over whom?

MAGGIE: Well, that's just it, if it was a person I might not have minded so much. It was over a pair of earrings I discovered.

BARNABAS: A pair of earrings?

MAGGIE: That was all it was! Can you believe that? I became enchanted by them and he became deranged over the whole thing and I decided, well, if he's going to get loopy over a pair of earrings I admired so much it was just as well to find out at the start that he had such strange personality traits.

BARNABAS: It was indeed… I… well… what happened…?

MAGGIE: (miffed) Oh… he took 'em and had them appraised without my knowing. Thankfully he gave them back, but we were about to go out together and I was so annoyed… I… well, I wasn't very nice.

BARNABAS: Maggie Evans… what _did_ you tell Mr. Haskell?

MAGGIE: (scoffs) Well! He asked if I was ready to leave for the restaurant and I told him, "Sure, as long as they served _baby food_"!

BARNABAS: (attempting to hide embarrassed snickers)

MAGGIE: (not noticing) Barnabas, do you think me too… well, reactionary?

BARNABAS: Was your response due to the fact that he was jealous of an inanimate object?

MAGGIE: Yes.

BARNABAS: Well, I must ask, as others might, what does your heart tell you?

MAGGIE: My heart? Well… (spacey) as I… look at you…

BARNABAS: Yes?

MAGGIE: There it is again!

BARNABAS: What?

MAGGIE: That terrible sense of familiarity. I have to wonder.

BARNABAS: Wonder?

MAGGIE: I would wonder… more coffee?

BARNABAS: (enthusiastically) Yes, please.

[sounds of liquid pouring]

MAGGIE Wonder, why there is that sense of familiarity there. When I look at you, it's like, well, this game I used to play when I was a little girl.

BARNABAS: What game?

MAGGIE: (deep breath and pause) I heard… music.

BARNABAS: (low gasp) Did you? Music…

MAGGIE: Yes, I see your smile making fun of me, but I did and it was a game. You can imagine all the wilds in this neighbourhood I could get into. I heard it… or perhaps I only pretended to… in every tree and nook and under every rock-

BARNABAS: (thoughtful) And cave?

MAGGIE: How did you know?

BARNABAS: There, um, there are a lot of caves hereabouts, on the seacoast you… you know.

MAGGIE: (softly) But why would a little girl make believe games about… a music box? I ask you.

BARNABAS: Did you ever find out what the song was?

MAGGIE: (sighs) No… and I might have heard it, but now it's completely gone from my mind. I can't hear it anymore. In fact… I haven't been able to since…

BARNABAS: Since you came back?

MAGGIE: Well… I suppose that has nothing to do with it, but… sometimes I wonder about it… AND every time I try… I just get the chills and I give up…

BARNABAS: Maggie, what about the job? Do you want to take it? (slip noise)

MAGGIE: And you took my hand, because?

BARNABAS: Emphasis… nevermind, Maggie. Do you want the job? What about this one?

MAGGIE: I might do both… well don't look like that. I wouldn't mind both. Why not?

BARNABAS: That is a lot. Why would you want both?

MAGGIE: Well, I'm not one to idle. I like to keep busy… And not only that… there are those late evenings… when I see… a dashing fellow… if you'll allow me a bit of tease.

BARNABAS: (contented low hum) I see your point. Can I tell you something?

MAGGIE: What?

BARNABAS: This… is… thee best coffee… I have ever tasted.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And now we lead you to a completely different coast across the continent.<p>

[car engine halting, car doors open and shut]

PETER: Looks like there are vacancies here.

VICTORIA: My goodness, Peter. Do you see that house in the distance? I used to think Collinwood had a gloomy aspect, but that house, though smaller, has a stark _ghastliness_ about it.

PETER: Vicky, it could just be from how tired we've been looking for a place to stay… well that, and all the dark clouds threatening rain.

[crash of thunder]

VICTORIA: That lightning shooting over the premises certainly didn't help.

PETER: The office is lit up, let's go in.

[steps, door opening and shutting]

PROPRIETOR: (tiredly and a hint shaken) Hello. Did you lose your way?

PETER: Um, no, this is a motel, isn't it?

PROPRIETOR: Oh, yes, I'm just surprised. I don't get many customers, not since the new interstate was built. Bypasses the whole place. [jingling of keys] Let's see, how many nights are you staying?

VICKY: Sir, if you please, can we have a different room?

PROPRIETOR: But you haven't seen it yet.

VICKY: Call me superstitious but we're only recently married and trying to get away from some of the darker elements.

PROPRIETOR: Oh, well, (light chuckle) yes, I can understand how thirteen would not be the best room in theory.

PETER: Thank you. I think two nights would be suitable. We've been on the road a very long time. We have to get an idea of where we are and where to go next.

PROPRIETOR: Oh? Well, the main town of Fairvale is about a 15 mile drive from here. You could go in and check the little library we have, lot of maps and information that could help you.

PETER: Why, thanks. That's good to know.

PROPRIETOR: There isn't much in the way of restaurants nearby. If you like I could bring you some sandwiches and milk.

VICTORIA: Oh, you're very kind, but we filled up very well and are ready to hit the hay.

PROPRIETOR: Good idea. Looks like rain so the sooner you settle in the better. I hope you enjoy your stay.

PETER: I'm sure we will. Thank you very much, Mister…?

PROPRIETOR: Oh, please. Call me Norman.

[crash of thunder morphs into "Wot" by Captain Sensible]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (film)

The Prisoner (1960's TV Show)

Psycho (1960's film)

Captain Sensible

The Beatles (to take a sad song and make it better)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

_ Hope you're enjoying the ride! Let me know in the box below! ;)_

_Sail Ho!_


	6. Episode 6: Coffee, Tea & Cribbage

_Hello everyone, hope you've been enjoying it, but I shan't truly know unless I'm told. :)_

_I wanted to let you know if you can't access iTunes there is a website posted in my profile page here that you can find if you click on my name. _

Summary:

_Tony and Carolyn find the perfect place to stow away Angelique's painting, and Carolyn ponders on a pen, wondering if it's one that took up too much air time in contemplation long ago._

_Captain Daniel Gregg inquires of his old friend, Andre' DuPres, well... what the heck is going on and why is he within this Sam Evans guy?_

_Elizabeth continues to investigate the history of the Seaview property with a far more laid back Roger._

_And... AT LAST! Barnabas Collins and Dr. Julia Hoffman *finally* play that game of cribbage suggested in a likely forgotten episode, coming to certain conclusions about Victoria Winters, Maggie Evans, and Willie Loomis. Wadsworth looks on, amused, and concerned._

_As for Victoria and Peter, certain unfortunate circumstances have them fleeing from The Bates Motel in panic, of course... and this leads them... to another household, perhaps?_

.*.*.*.*.*.*

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows: Episode Six "Coffee, Tea & Cribbage"

[repetitious tones of Pit of Ultimate Darkness theme]

MILLIGAN: (sadly) Good Evening, I am your host Sir Simon Milligan, and welcome once again to the pit of… ultimate… (weepy) despair…

HECUBUS: (concerned) Master, what is wrong?

MILLIGAN: (wrathful) Have I summoned you?

HECUBUS: No-

MILLIGAN: Then BE GONE!

[footfalls on stairs, then a crash]

HECUBUS: Ow!

MILLIGAN: (weepy again) I am beside myself. My beloved and ultimately evil Angelique has gone down Dorian Gray Road and winded up in Queer Street*! Och! I am running out of Halloween hankies! (blows nose and sighs) I suppose there is nothing for it… Manservant Hecubus?

HECUBUS: Yes?

MILLIGAN: (tiredly) Oh, where are you?

HECUBUS: Are you sure you want me, Master?

MILLIGAN: Yes, you beknighted buffoon! Materialize!

[an explosive poof]

HECUBUS: Here, I am!

MILLIGAN: Well, that was showy of you! Tawdry and…

HECUBUS: Do say it, Master.

MILLIGAN: (sniff and inhale) EVIL!

HECUBUS: Thank you, Master! But why so… despairing?

MILLIGAN: Oh, don't you understand? I'm in love! I am not like other men! Although I am the gatekeeper to the boys club that is the Underworld, I am sensitive to a woman's needs…

HECUBUS: What woman would that be, Master?

MILLIGAN: Oh, you know who she is… She goes by many names… off handedly I only know of two, Cassandra and... (wind and music fade in) Angelique! Oh, was there anything *I* could have done?

HECUBUS: Well, Master, I suppose reaffirming Tony Peterson's free will didn't help matters.

MILLIGAN: Hecubus… really, you point out my short comings? How, how, how… (whispered growl) e-v-i-l…

HECUBUS: Of course, Master!

MILLIGAN: (sighing) Well, I suppose all we can do is (regains composure) continue! Thusly, Carolyn Stoddard and Tony Peterson (sniffs briefly) are still on their date… I wish I was… on a date. Arg!

HECUBUS: And so! There they are at the old root cellar to hide the warped painting of Cassandra Collins. Master, here, I have an old handkerchief. I hope you don't mind-

MILLIGAN: (blows nose) –EWLLG! Smells like… a junkyard dog!

HECUBUS: Hellhound to be exact, Master.

MILLIGAN: Ah, well, I suppose that sulphurous odor will distract me.

[Ocean waves and Dark Shadows Theme, then wind and such in the background]

CAROLYN: Ooo, I didn't realize what an eerie feeling I'd have coming back here, Tony.

TONY: How long did he make you stay in here?

CAROLYN: It was hard to tell. My guess is a few days, felt like forever.

TONY: Looks like there was no shortage of food. Don't you think someone still uses this place?

CAROLYN: Not that I know of. And none of this was edible. Higher up is what's left of the house that used to use this root cellar. What are you doing?

[sounds of rummaging and shifting debris]

TONY: I think we should cover this painting up. Someone could wander in and simply see it. Why make it easy to spot?

CAROLYN: Let me give you a hand. Ugh, nasty old rotten boards.

TONY: Broken jam jars, what is _that_?

CAROLYN: Looks like a molded rug… oof, smells like it, too.

TONY: Perfect that's just the thing to cover it up with.

CAROLYN: How can you touch that horrible thing?

TONY: I've touched worse.

CAROLYN: (chuckles) Thanks.

TONY: (monotone) Ha ha ha, no not you.

CAROLYN: I think all the rest of the garbage can go back on top… (grabs something out of pile, Contemplative) oh, hey, I wonder if this is that pen we were looking for years ago… (pause) No… (drops it) Anyway, that looks good. I'm ready to leave and clean up.

TONY: Good idea. I think my flashlight battery is running down as it is. (door creaking noise) After you, my dear.

CAROLYN: (playfully gracious) Thank you, sir. (footsteps through underbrush, door creaking) Let's get that big stone over it, as well.

TONY: Wow, I'll need some help with this, too. Carolyn, did you ever see that short film? "What To Do On A Date"?

CAROLYN: I'm not sure- good heavens! This IS heavy! No wonder I could never open that door. (grunts then sighs as stone is lodged against door) You were saying?

TONY: (jovially) It was an educational film. I saw it in high school. The ideas were along the lines of weenie roasts and rummage sales, baseball games, that kind of thing.

[car door opening, car door shutting, car door opening]

CAROLYN: (lighting up) Oh, yes! And hiking, or something. Bicycle groups. Why do you mention it?

TONY: Well, (starts car engine) I have a feeling [car door shutting] this type of an evening was NOT on that list.

CAROLYN: (laughing)

MILLIGAN: And so the pair drove off to Peterson's office, where they clean up a bit, so as Carolyn needn't explain her disarray, and she is taken home to sleep off all that work. Meanwhile! At the Evan's Cottage, Sam Evans and/or the Ghost of Andre Dupres and Captain Daniel Gregg are decompressing from their experience via the Withered Cassandra and/or Angelique, as the former works on cleaning the painting and touching it up.

SAM: Now, let me put together a bit of this solution and a bit of that, little rag and-

GREGG: Andre?

SAM: Oui?

GREGG: Andre, how is it that you have been able to return to the flesh? I specifically remember knowing you as a ghost. I can definitely find plenty of resemblance between you and this man, but I met you shortly after *I* had perished.

SAM: Je-

GREGG: And don't tell me in Français!

SAM: Daniel Gregg, you do beat all. You're still lumbering about the mesosphere with no knowledge of the infinitive resources of the human soul?

GREGG: You know the answer to that, Andre. You're the one who told me.

SAM: Yes. Even beyond death, bureaucracy still permeates. It was that business of an "accidental suicide" they never can get over with you, Daniel Gregg.

GREGG: Yes, and I'm sure they're still looking me over to decide whether I meant it or not. It's gotten to be so long I'm not even sure I didn't mean to do it. I confess that is the trouble with the blasted over-analysis of it.

SAM: And so you still remain, well, IN Maine.

GREGG: Yes, Andre, but it doesn't explain why YOU are still in Maine. (laughing) I can't believe, that having my painting scourged would lead to meeting an old friend, and in the flesh! Is it some particle, some spark of an Andre Dupres, lingering in this Sam Evans? Very curious.

SAM: Daniel, do you ever ask yourself how you can do something?

GREGG: We've had this conversation before…

SAM: Oui, but not over a fine glass of Madeira.

GREGG: (claps hands) Now you're talking!

[rummaging noises]

SAM: We have a bottle or two right over here, if memory serves.

GREGG: You have his memories?

SAM: Daniel, we are the same person. [cork popping noise] That's what I've been trying to explain to you. [liquid pouring] Here, and what shall we toast to?

GREGG: _Sense_, if you can make any of all this.

SAM: Very well, to Sense. [glasses clinking, sipping noises] Now, see here, Daniel. You're stuck, that is plain as bloody plain. I myself am but a little stuck. Not like you. Have you never even glimpsed at your other lives?

GREGG: (incredulous) Other lives?

SAM: Oui! Don't you remember the spirits and the soul? The many and the one?

GREGG: Blast it, Andre! I can hardly see the bale for the hay-… wait a minute… (thoughtfully) Many spirits… but only one soul.

SAM: Heh, or vice versa. It depends on how one wants to gestate it. Like I asked, have you never wondered how to do a thing? Even just materialization?

GREGG: Not in a long time, Andre. If it's the microcosm or the macrocosm that feeds your existence in this blighted painter, I don't know. I wanted you to tell me.

SAM: Ah, but that's just it. It is a nature I cannot explain. I may have never been proficient with a paint brush in my days as a Dupres, but, you see me with this… (swishing noises) a little dab here and there. Somehow I know it now. [clink down of paintbrush on easel rest] Daniel, have you never drawn a door and knocked three times?

GREGG: Andre Dupres, you must be mad.

SAM: More Madeira?

GREGG: Please. [liquid pouring]

SAM: Do you know this town? Collinsport? Many of the citizens really know quite little about the afterlife and rebirth shenanigans going on here. Many of us have been wandering through it repeatedly and this time around the daughter I cared so much for and I have come back, as well as so many others from so long ago all in the exact same spot. It's the order of this day and age. Can you imagine a countess and a hired man reaching out to each other so many incarnations later? It's been over a century but thanks to a greedy jewel fiend, we may all be able to meet again. All went wrong, my young friend, almost two hundred years ago when this colonial enterprise was being built as a nation.

GREGG: What happened?

SAM: A witch happened and her spiral of sourness still reeks upon these shores.

GREGG: Pshaw! I've met plenty of witches in my time. They're harmless enough.

GREGG: (brooding) Oh, Daniel, not one with a chip on her shoulder the size of Seward's Folly. Really, what witches can you possibly know of in this day and age?

GREGG: (scoffs) If there isn't a fine one not a states distance away from here… right near Manhattan!

SAM: Oh? Well if she is any match for the withered husk who came in here you ought to invite her.

GREGG: (surprised) Oh? That dame who came in asking for the painting? She might have been easy enough for me, though even withered, witches can be tough as nails.

SAM: I didn't mean her exterior. I meant her withered husk of a heart. Let me explain what happened…

MILLIGAN: And since this will take more hours than possible we lead on to… The next day and to be more precise, THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON!

[standard dinging chime of the famous Collinwood grandfather clock]

MRS. JOHNSON: Mrs. Stoddard, would you like this tray in the drawing room, study, or library?

DAVID: (interrupting) Aunt Elizabeth! Have you seen my father?

ELIZABETH: Just a moment, David. Mrs. Johnson I think the study will work. Mister Collins should be there. Now, hold on a second, my young nephew. Your father and I need to discuss some legal matters.

DAVID: (dejected) Oh, all right. Well, Aunt Elizabeth, maybe you can help me.

ELIZABETH: If it's quick.

DAVID: Well, it's just that you know how I wasn't supposed to go and play at The Old House anymore?

ELIZABETH: Oh, yes. I hope you haven't transferred to playing in the cemetery… (pause) David, don't look at me like that, it _wasn't_ a suggestion!

DAVID: I know, just a bad flashback for me once when I did.

ELIZABETH: Well, there you are. So what about the Old House?

DAVID: Well, Cousin Barnabas, I mean, the way it feels over there…

ELIZABETH: The tone?

DAVID: That's it! The tone of the house is more, I dunno, easy-going than it was. I mean, ever since that new butler arrived.

ELIZABETH: Who, Wadsworth? I think he's more a valet, as he's Cousin Barnabas' personal servant.

DAVID: Whichever. But I just wanted to know if the rule could be changed… maybe if I go and ask Wadsworth.

ROGER: Liz? What is taking so long? Oh, hello David.

DAVID: Father, can I go and visit at the Old House?

ROGER: (cheerfully) Well, why not? But, David, why not go and find Sarah to play with?

DAVID: (surprised) Sarah, um, well, it's been a very long time, but, I thought…

ELIZABETH: Indeed, David, I think your father has just shocked the both of us! How can you suggest that Roger? You always proved certain that was a fantasy.

ROGER: Oh, it might be, Liz, but where's the harm? Why must we all worry so much? It's riffling to the blood pressure and puts us all into a tizzy! This house has been full enough of dark shadows, can't we have some light shadows for a change? Or at least some translucent beclouding?

DAVID: Gee, thanks… uh, um, does that mean I can go?

ROGER: Out you go, young man, and find some company worthwhile, whether it's Sarah, or Wadsworth, just stay out of mischief and be back by suppertime.

[door opens, footfalls, door shuts]

ELIZABETH: Well, brother, you're full of surprises today. Especially with a missing wife.

ROGER: (absently) Wife? Oh, yes. I must confess she's plagued me little as of recently. Such a fly by night, I'm considering annulment.

ELIZABETH: (gratified) Well! This is news! Have you looked over the necessary papers for that?

ROGER: I have indeed. She comes and goes with such rapidity I don't think she feels much responsibility to this marriage at all.

MRS. JOHNSON: The coffee is laid out in the study, Mrs. Stoddard.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, Mrs. Johnson. Well, Roger?

[footsteps, door shutting]

ROGER: Now, let's pour this out and have a seat. What is this legal matter you wanted to address?

ELIZABETH: Well, here is the deed and the keys. I'm wondering why it's marked "not for sale" but that's the purpose I had in bringing this to you. I wanted your help in solving the mystery.

ROGER: Oh? (paper shuffling) The old Seaview property? Why, that property has been vacant for ages, and likely run-down altogether. What did you want to do, rent it out to some surf-fadding hipsters?

ELIZABETH: Surfing? I should think not! Those rocky shores of ours would be too treacherous and then we'd have a scandal on our hands.

ROGER: (incredulous) _THEN_ we'd have a scandal on our hands? This estate is BUILT on scandal, Liz. Where have you been?

ELIZABETH: All right, then we'd have even more scandal on our hands. Either way, that wasn't what I meant in reviewing the deed with you.

ROGER: Well, it won't be long until the Seaview property's salability is within reach. Who did you want to sell it to? Burke Devlin is out of the question.

ELIZABETH: That's obvious. However, I know that Vicky wanted it and I wouldn't be surprised if she still wanted it. I'd wanted to give it to her as a wedding present when she was about to marry Burke, but now…

ROGER: Now she is married and to completely different blighter.

ELIZABETH: Roger!

ROGER: Oh, Liz, I don't mean that. I'm just relaxing, and this is good coffee.

ELIZABETH: Hardly your beverage of choice. (snidely) Did Mrs. Johnson spike it?

ROGER: No… I did. (sipping)

ELIZABETH: (sighing) Well, no wonder then… did you only spike your cup or have you left any for me?

ROGER: (laughs) Haha, here… (clinking ceramic, and liquid poring) There's some brandy for the whole pot, and no scrimping. Now, (clears throat) Caleb Collins… he was the hermit, wasn't he? I think I remember Father referring to him as Kooky Caleb.

ELIZABETH: Kooky Uncle Caleb, if I remember rightly.

ROGER: Yes, but the alliteration is better the other way. Boy, did that man keep to himself… and… I don't blame him. Anyway, it looks like it's an open book. You could go over it with that Peterson fellow.

ELIZABETH: Really? _Really?_ I thought you despised him.

ROGER: Pshaw! Who has time for that? You know we have overdone it with suspicion and aghast in this household. Look at all we have to be thankful for. Our home is lovely, the estate is beautiful, we've got our health (knock on wood), and here is Caleb's house up for… Liz, what did you want it for?

ELIZABETH: I wanted it for Vicky. She loved that house and I believe she still does.

ROGER: That's as may be, but she and that Clark fellow have flown the coop, likely not to return. And besides, until it's free and clear, Kooky Caleb states it can't be sold before that time except to someone in the Collins family.

ELIZABETH: Well, don't you feel that Vicky is family?

ROGER: Yes, but not a Collins, biologically speaking at any rate.

ELIZABETH: That's what I mean.

ROGER: (suspiciously) What do you mean?

ELIZABETH: (lowly) Perhaps she is… biologically speaking… a Collins…

[Sinister crescendo music]

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, at The Old House…

HOFFMAN: (sighing) So, I suppose that dream curse could have led to more people but it's terror seemed to cease somewhere between Mrs. Johnson and Professor Stokes… after that it just became a cacophony of flippant nuances from the old dream curse and then…

BARNABAS: Then? What were the dreams after that? I can tell you my little nap didn't amount to anything definable. Mostly a man shaking me that he'd gone through so much trouble raiding old coffins to find a wardrobe that fit me.

HOFFMAN: Oh, yes! What was Victoria's story?

BARNABAS: She said she didn't understand it.

HOFFMAN: Typical! But what can you remember?

BARNABAS: Well, I remember it involved a game of billiards with all 8-balls. From her description they played it more like Snooker. I remember a bit of that, but my dream showed each ball I was about to hit with a triangle on top displaying a yes or no style answer to a question.

HOFFMAN: Do you remember any of the questions or answers?

BARNABAS: Well, I remember asking if this was the dream curse. It answered "Reply hazy". Then on my next turn I asked if we were done with these confounded dreams, it answered "most likely". By the way, I scored 6 points after that.

HOFFMAN: HA! My goodness. Now I feel a bit bad for what I did after Victoria spoke to you about it.

BARNABAS: Why, what did you do?

HOFFMAN: Well, Vicky was pretty upset. I was consoling her near the fireplace. Then Cassandra wandered in and asked, doe-eyed as ever, why she was crying.

BARNABAS: Honestly? My goodness, that woman *never* gives up! What happened?

HOFFMAN: (light chuckling) I slapped her.

BARNABAS: DID you? I'll bet she warned you'd be sorry for that.

HOFFMAN: She did! Then Vicky slapped her on the other cheek. **

BARNABAS: Ahh! Ha! (laughing to the point of tears) Ah, haha, ha! Ha! Oh my! Oh no! Dare I ask what happened then?

HOFFMAN: Vicky said she deserved more than a slap in the face. (laughing) That really tickles you, doesn't it?

BARNABAS: (laughing to a calmer state) Oh, Julia, I dare say that anecdote *almost* makes everything I've gone through worthwhile. This is second to Sarah smiling at me with a lemon wedge in her mouth! Phew! So, did the dreams after that have any validity?

HOFFMAN: No. Well, from what I could make out, they seemed to inhabit story lines from Milton The Monster Cartoons.

BARNABAS: Milton The Monster? You have me at a disadvantage.

HOFFMAN: It's one of those animated presentations on the…

BARNABAS: Animated?

MILLIGAN: After Doctor Hoffman explains the new meaning of animation.

BARNABAS: So the story was?

HOFFMAN: Ugh! I am so tired. I don't even know if I want to explain the storylines after all of that. The hilarious repercussions previously have just overwhelmed me. (under her breath) Makes me feel bad about coming over here to bother him… (back to normal voice) Barnabas, haven't you been updating yourself?

BARNABAS: One hundred and seventy odd years is a lot of ground to cover. I have been working on it, Doctor. Especially since things have become a bit slower here. I finally have time. I'm still working on all the rushing about in this… day and age.

HOFFMAN: (chuckling) Oh, well, we all complain of that.

BARNABAS: Yes, but you _do_ remember, Doctor. _I_ didn't live in a time like that.

HOFFMAN: Well, (uncertain), well, well… you know, your right? We've been saying it so long. I know in the last century or two it's gotten worse, but what makes you think that people weren't in more of a hurry than in your parents' time?

BARNABAS: Something you call The Industrial Revolution. Quickly the competition was too much and humans were working alongside mindless machines, all that mattered was speed.

HOFFMAN: Oh, well, you *have* been updating yourself! That explanation is a bit simplified, but I suppose somewhat accurate. I can't say I often feel that way when I'm here. It all seems to stretch and slow down, even at the most suspenseful of moments. (sighing) You know, I've said it before and I'll say it again. It is rather dreary standing around here without us occupying ourselves.

BARNABAS: And, as I've answered before, what do you suggest, Doctor? That we play cards, or cribbage?

HOFFMAN: Hmph (thinking) … you know, what? Why not? Let's play cribbage!

BARNABAS: (thump of cane to floor) HA! (incredulous ) Are you serious?

HOFFMAN: Yes! I'm serious. Let's play cribbage.

[squeaky wheels]

WADSWORTH: I took the liberty of presuming the two of you would like a bit of tea, and…

HOFFMAN: Well, look at that. A Cribbage board and pack of cards… Spying on us were you?

WADSWORTH: Madam, the insulation of these walls is something I am still in the process of constructing.

BARNABAS: I have few secrets from this one.

HOFFMAN: Don't be silly. You have few secrets from anyone.

WADSWORTH: Would Sir be desirous that I set this up by the fireplace? It is a chilly afternoon.

BARNABAS: Tea and cribbage by the fire, wonderful, my good man.

WADSWORTH: One does try, Sir.

[cards shuffling, fireplace crackling]

WADSWORTH: Sir, I was wondering if you'd like me to begin ordering… DRIPless candles for our sunny little abode.

BARNABAS: OH? Have a problem with the lack of electricity?

WADSWORTH: Oh, no, of course not, sir. In fact it's better that there isn't any.

BARNABAS: Why is that?

WADSWORTH: Well… I am known for switching off the electricity to prove my point in certain explanations. It's just as well I don't have that temptation now.

BARNABAS: Fine… order the drip-less candles…

WADSWORTH: Very good, sir. (exits)

[card shuffling]

HOFFMAN: I'll take the liberty of dealing. Do you know all the rules?

BARNABAS: I know that I don't want to play with Muggins.

HOFFMAN: Who? Oh, yes, no stealing points. (card dealing noises) Very well.

BARNABAS: Here's my two to your crib and [liquid pouring] cream and sugar?

HOFFMAN: Just cream. (card flip) Ten…

BARNABAS: (clinking of china and card flip) Twenty. Two points for a pair.

MILLIGAN: And thusly, whether one knows this game or one doesn't, the entire array of details to this particular game of Cribbage is irrelevant enough to skip ahead. Suffice to say that our beloved red-head has reached 57 points whilst our beloved white-fang has reach 48 points and thusly…

[liquid pouring]

BARNABAS: More tea, Doctor?

HOFFMAN: Yes, thank you. You know, I've been wanting to let you know how pleased I was in your behaviour to Vicky getting married.

BARNABAS: Ah, yes, I thought you'd bring that up sooner or later. You see Doctor; I had some firsthand experience at her and Peter's awkward beginnings.

HOFFMAN: Oh? I'd been hoping it was because you'd finally listened to _my_ warnings. (shuffles cards repeatedly)

BARNABAS: Oh dear, too much fog has lifted since those gloomier days. Why do you bring it up? No, don't deal yet.

HOFFMAN: (surly) You've been going back to the coffee shop to see Maggie. I remember that you used to when you first came to Collinsport. And we saw what came of that… together… so now.. .again… Why?

BARNABAS: Really, Julia. Such a quaint evening and…

HECUBUS: (gleefully) And she's made that sinister background music show up again inviting murk and mischief, hee hee hee!

HOFFMAN: (dictatorially) Really, Barnabas… again? What else would I be wanting to ask you about? I want you to _stop_ seeing Maggie Evans.

BARNABAS: (self-assured) Or what?

HOFFMAN: (ruffled) Well… um…

BARNABAS: My dear, I am fit as the proverbial fiddle. Adam is also well off and moved on, as is Victoria, I hope. You aren't cold enough to want to bring Cassandra back-

HOFFMAN: (shudders)

BARNABAS: Except maybe for the pleasure of slapping her again.

HOFFMAN: (brightening) Say! I… well, no.

*BARNABAS: (snorts) Good to see you enjoyed that so much it was at least a tempting day dream. That shows you to be a good friend. However, if you're ploy is to threaten me with the idea of your disclosing the kidnapping of Maggie Evans, there is always your involvement with Dr. Woodward's death I could dredge up again… and frankly, I'd rather not.

HOFFMAN: (scoffs) I agree. I'd hate to see any other colleagues of mine get terminated by this place. Mind you… I could just take my medallion over to Maggie and uncover the history of her kidnapping to her alone, you know. She'd never want anything to do with you again, I'm sure.

BARNABAS: I know you can do that, Doctor Hoffman… BUT… I'd like to believe we've finally squared enough away, that neither of us is that cruel… anymore.

HOFFMAN: (touched) Really? Well, that is a surprise… and unusually kind. Still, I'm sure it isn't a good idea for you to meet with her and I'd rather you stopped. It's risky.

BARNABAS: Oh? You should know that Miss Evans may be getting hired to work at Collinwood as David's governess as things are. You might just as well ask me to move away.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Fine… But why not wait? Seeking her out in town seems to be pushing it.

BARNABAS: Because, as she has told me herself, I'm her friend… Besides, Doctor, I think the only leverage you have is our poor Willie Loomis, and I doubt you'd truly want any harm to befall him.

HOFFMAN: Oh? How are you so sure? Perhaps I won't let him step a foot out of Wyndcliff… ever…

BARNABAS: (self-assured) Doctor, who would that benefit?

HOFFMAN: Well, it wouldn't benefit you (under her breath) and it's all I've got at the moment.

BARNABAS: You know, it's a house rule that before anyone meets the 60th point in cribbage, a wager is allowed.

HOFFMAN: (sarcastic) Oh? Really? Can I check the Family History on that one? (creak of chair and steps)

BARNABAS: Yes, page 62, under the subheading "Crib & Nod".

HOFFMAN: I see, (page flipping) looks like Joshua Collins introduced the rule in 1783… (begins to laugh)

BARNABAS: What is so amusing?

HOFFMAN: He introduced it during a game with your mother who thought the drinking hour should be earlier than four o'clock. That was the first bet with this house rule.

BARNABAS: Are you casting a slur upon my mother, Doctor Hoffman?

HOFFMAN: (chuckling) No-o-o, I'm just enchanted. (book closing with a flop)

BARNABAS: (grizzly) Why?

HOFFMAN: Because Joshua came up with the wager rule and Naomi won the wager. All right, Barnabas. What'll you bet?

BARNABAS: You have the deal, I make the wager; during "the run", or as it is now called "the play", or "the go", whomever gets the highest points in that segment wins the wager. If I win, you will release Willie Loomis from Wyndcliff at my command. If you win, I will… (hesitates) only visit Maggie at the coffee shop on Tuesday Nights.

HOFFMAN: Oh, that's hardly a bargain! You need to stay away from there entirely!

BARNABAS: (sighing) Fine, entirely. (sarcastically) That will be easy considering I wanted to have a few more paintings done by her father.

[door creak]

WADSWORTH: Sir?

BARNABAS: (impatiently) Yes, hullo, yes?

WADSWORTH: Would you like a third party witness to the-

BARNABAS: Good idea! Come right in… I say, did you um, how did you come to…

WADSWORTH: If Sir will forgive me, I wouldn't miss _this_ for all the tea in China. Is Madam concurrent?

HOFFMAN: Hmmph… well, I suppose so. So the bet is for the Go, wouldn't want to raise it to the counting of hands?

BARNABAS: While _you've_ got the crib? Not bloody likely! Deal.

[card flipping noises]

WADSWORTH: Will Sir and Madam please announce the stakes for benefit of accuracy?

BARNABAS: Yes, if I win the Go she will release Willie Loomis from Wyndcliff Sanitarium at my command.

WADSWORTH: Good heavens!

BARNABAS: If she wins the Go I promise to stop visiting Maggie Evans at The Coffee Shop.

WADSWORTH: Oh my, it all gets worse. I shall dearly pull for a draw.

BARNABAS: I put down a three.

HOFFMAN: I put down a seven which makes ten.

BARNABAS: Seven, two for a pair… that makes 17

HOFFMAN: (chuckling) Seven- Pair Royale for SIX! Top that.

BARNABAS: (also chuckling in self-assurance) Seven…

HOFFMAN: (gasps)

BARNABAS: That's a DOUBLE pair royal, AND the go of 31, that's a total of…

WADSWORTH: Sixteen points for Sir, six points for Madam.

BARNABAS: Your move.

HOFFMAN: (sighing dejectedly) Four

BARNABAS: Three, seven in all.

HOFFMAN: (dejectedly) Ten , seventeen in all…

BARNABAS: Go.

HOFFMAN: (scoffs) _You_ had that other three?

BARNABAS: Yes, I wasn't about to play it.

WADSWORTH: And so Sir wins the bet with 16 points contrary to Madam's 7? Is this correct?

HOFFMAN: Yes, (sighing) you are quite accurate, Wadsworth.

WADSWORTH: Should I make up Mister Loomis' room?

BARNABAS: No, Wadsworth. I think he has a bit more time.

HOFFMAN: Oh? Really?

BARNABAS: At my command, Doctor. That doesn't mean immediately. As of right now, I believe you have a game to win.

HOFFMAN: Me?

BARNABAS: Yes, I believe you are going to win this game, which is of lesser concern than the wager.

WADSWORTH: If Sir or Madam has no more need of me, I believe I shall make ready to shine Miss Dupres' music box.

BARNABAS: Do. (pauses as Wadsworth exits) And now, Doctor, perhaps we can continue our quiet evening without further need to out tyrannize each other?

HOFFMAN: You have the music box here, Barnabas? I thought you gave it to Victoria.

BARNABAS: I had but when she was leaving with Peter Bradford she stopped in to return it. I must say it was…. Rather moving…

HOFFMAN: I remember seeing them leave from here, but I didn't know she gave back the music box. What did she say?

BARNABAS: (resigned sigh) She said after all that's happened it didn't belong to her, and likely never did, but she was glad to have it while she did… pair for 2 and with the ace as the starter another 15 for 4…

HOFFMAN: Pair for 2, fifteen for 4 and fifteen for six… Barnabas, you weren't upset about Vicky getting married to Peter. It wasn't like that when she was about to marry Burke.

BARNABAS: (light laugh) I remember. It was appalling to me that she was going to marry Burke, who I found crass and vulgar much of the time. But I recall what grew between Victoria and Peter Bradford. And though I never had a wild fondness for Mr. Bradford, particularly in his Jeff Clark days, he had something far more enduring than Mr. Devlin. Your crib, Doctor.

HOFFMAN: Oh… pair of kings for 2. What does Mr. Bradford have that's so enduring?

BARNABAS: Honourability, courage. He put himself on the line for her. Anyway, I'm grateful she returned the music box and I agreed with her that she was probably right. It didn't belong to her.

[music box audible in the distance]

BARNABAS: That must be Wadsworth cleaning it.

HOFFMAN: Eerie timing… I wonder what they're up to now, or where they are.

BARNABAS: Ah, living happily ever after, no doubt.

MILLIGAN: Hmmm, are they? Let's look to Victoria and Peter back on the other coast to find out!

[car motor revving violently]

PETER: (demanding yet terrified scream) VICKY! GET IN THE CAR!

VICTORIA: But it isn't a woman, it's a man in drag and I think-

PETER: Victoria! Just get in!

VICTORIA: (slamming car door) It's okay. He's moving away, he's going back to the house.

PETER: (determined) We're getting out of here.

VICTORIA: Let yourself calm down, he's half way up those steps now. Peter! Lay off the pedal! This is a Dart! Not a Rolls-Royce!

PETER: She'll take the heat. (peel out noise)

VICTORIA: Slow down! We're off the grounds! (engine running, pause) Would it be worth it for me to ask if you packed your toothbrush?

PETER: (sighs and laughs nervously ) Yes, it would. I am sorry Vicky. I know that was very sudden.

VICTORIA: *Very*. (sighs) And I never got to find out if that Sam Loomis was any relation to Willie or not.

PETER: We'll live with it.

VICTORIA: I suppose so. Where are we going now?

PETER: First, we have to stop and get gas. Then I've got this letter. They mentioned an empty room for rent. (paper fluttering)

VICTORIA: (reading) Cemetery Lane… Peter, really?

PETER: (self-assured) It's all right, keep reading.

VICTORIA: Westminster, California. We are responding to your entreaty. We have an enchanting room for rent at… cut-throat prices? Your blood may be as fine as ours… (questioning) Peter-?

PETER: (tiredly) It's fine. What? We just had a man in drag come at us with a knife. Look at the names. This will be perfectly fine.

VICTORIA: Morticia and Gomez Addams. You know you're losing some credibility here, sweetheart.

PETER: What's wrong? Addams. Perfectly respectable.

VICTORIA: (sighs) All right. Can't beat the places we've been so far, can it?

PETER: Nope. Anywhere is normal compared to Collinsport.

[finger-snapping theme to The Addams Family TV show.]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

Psycho (1960's film)

Milton The Monster (1960's cartoon)

Coronet (Instructional) Films

The Addam's Family (1960's TV Show)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

No, Victoria Winters did NOT slap Cassandra in the original series, but she *ought* to have done.

The possibility of playing cribbage was once mention in the show and I *had* to make that happen ^_^

_.*.*.*.*.*.*_

_Hello again, fellow fans. I discovered there is a limit to what fanfiction dot net can hold! So I'm going to make a general document and start posting it to you all. Last year I learned it was best not to post anything farther than what I'd recorded for the podfic version. As of Feb. 6__th__ 2014 I've only got 1-7 up, but with enough support this stuff could go up to 50-100 episodes. Dark Shadows __**was **__1,225 episodes long, eep. _

_Please review. Even a winkie-smile, a "lol!" or just a thanks will do. I'd love to find out if anyone who enjoys all the other shows tried Dark Shadows and got fed up with how messy things kept going and would have preferred it all became better. I think with the Dark Shadows fans it might be an unspoken rule not to encourage a story that shows them all working out their problems and seeing who they might become with far less extreme dilemmas. _

_So if I'm accurate there, let me know. I have almost all the couplings squared away in my mind and a basic plan for the rest of it that is currently 100,000 words in length, though could reach 200,000._

_Thanks. :)_


	7. Episode 7: The Blair Warlock

**The author now understands what this story is truly about. It's not for any majority of Dark Shadows fans. It's for the fans of all of the other programs who felt cast-out from the Dark Shadows world and the frustration that Collinsport could never change or heal. Well, here I am to prove that it can, for you and I.**

**Keep up the reviews everyone in all the fandoms. I know I'm posting this earlier than I wanted to, but even after the first day, I'm far more impressed with you than I ever expected to be. Thank you!**

Summary:

_In the Pit of Ultimate Darkness, Sir Simon once hosted at an Italian Eatery... So here he hosts at another eating establishment..._

_Maggie is still having flashes of supernatural curiousity, eventually meeting up with Barnabas elsewhere. Meanwhile her father and Capt. Gregg hash out a few details._

_David comes across Wadsworth in the woods and they try and devise a plan to find Sarah *without* her usual "London Bridges" tune._

_Peter Victoria finally arrive at their new destination, and although spooky and altogether 'ooky, has far pleasanter elements then their last two stops. ^_^_

_.*.*.*.*.*.*_

Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 7: "The Blair Warlock… Projected"

Dedicated to Mere ^_^ (& response to kind bestowal of mini candle set)

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Good evening! I am Sir Simon Milligan. And welcome once again, to the PIT of Ultimate… DA-A-A-RKNESSSSSS! … Tonight! Conveniently located at the… COFFEE SHOP!

AUDIENCE: WOOOOO!

MILLIGAN: Oh, hose-it, it's not all that great! We don't know if our star performers of this diner will even make a guest appearance.

AUDIENCE: (dejected) Awwww…

MILLIGAN: But, do not lose hope! This diner is famous for its cheap menu, genuine Maritime atmosphere and… its capacity… for evil…

AUDIENCE: (light applause and mellow response) …yay…

MILLIGAN: Excuse me, waitress? Waitress? Wait… oh… see, EVIL! Evil waitress will receive an Unholy tip!

MAGGIE: Oh? Sorry, sir, what did you-?

MILLIGAN: Oh, Miss Evans, forgive me, I didn't realize it was you.

MAGGIE: How do you know my last name?

MILLIGAN: (abashed) Well, I come in here rather often… if, perchance, only to spy.

MAGGIE: SPY? (incredulous) What on earth would you have to spy on in this old place?

MILLIGAN: Oh, only for those quality beverages you happen to serve to the… more deserving?

MAGGIE: Well, I don't know quite what you mean, but I must assume that you… (getting spacey) walk alone upon the path of…

MILLIGAN: Evil!

MAGGIE: Yes, that's right. Well, maybe that's not right-right, but, well, what was it you ordered?

MILLIGAN: Poached eggs on toast, good woman.

MAGGIE: My name is Maggie, Mister M.

MILLIGAN: Are you S-U-R-E?

MAGGIE: Of course, I'm… well, I'm sure I've been called other names, though "good woman" and "Sure" I can't quite recall. Did you want coffee with that, Sir… Simon?

MILLIGAN: Decaf, if you please. I've been a bit stressed out.

MAGGIE: Anything else?

MILLIGAN: Thank you, that will be all – Josette.

MAGGIE: Coming right uh- beg your pardon?

MILLIGAN: (stretching out the French J) J—osette, I mean, Miss Dupres.

MAGGIE: Wait a minute. Have you been talking to my father?

MILLIGAN: Mayy-y-y-be, that depends on which one you mean.

MAGGIE: (snide impatience) Ohhh, I get it now. I bet you're the reason Pop's been so peculiar lately, or maybe you and he have this joke set up to taunt me.

MILLIGAN: What do you mean, Madam?

MAGGIE: Him and that painting, pretending to share a bottle of Med… whatever it's called, and randomly speaking French words when he's barely learned any French in all his life.

MILLIGAN: Oh, no, that's not me. No, I am merely a poppet of prescience in this little sphere. Though you must admit, my addresses to you sounded a… wee bit familiar?

MAGGIE: Perhaps a touch. I'm sure it has something to do with the history of this town, of which I've had to study up for my other job. [bell rings] Now if you'll excuse me, I'll bring in your order.

MILLIGAN: Of course. And for my minions of the transistor, I can allay my fears that all of that confounding dialogue helped to keep her from asking… why my rather large desk has replaced the little booth that was along this wall earlier… Why, what's this? A rolling service?

[low rumbling of rolling wheels and metal cart]

MAGGIE: Your order, sir, poached eggs on toast, decaffeinated coffee and-

MILLIGAN: Manservant HECUBUS?

[audience hoots and hollers]

HECUBUS: Here to serve, Master… i-n-n-n-n satin! And lovingly displayed upon this trolley just… for… you!

MILLIGAN: Och! Hecubus! Not my nose! None of that now!

MAGGIE: (cutesy) Oh, but that adorability in you must be shown affection somehow. As for me, I must return this trolley, so if you don't mind…

HECUBUS: Indeed, and up I go! (steps to ground)

MAGGIE: Enjoy. (Trolley wheels rolling away.)

MILLIGAN: Indeed. And so we must catch up our audience with the Collinsport doings…

HECUBUS: Master, are you going to eat that?

MILLIGAN: (smacking sound) Hands off! Now where were we?

HECUBUS: A fascinating game of cribbage between Doctor Hoffman and Barnabas Collins, and sneaking suspicions of Victoria Winters origins from Elizabeth Stoddard and Roger Collins, Peter Bradford and Victoria Winters escaping The Bates Motel the better to propel themselves forward into unknown territory, AND…

MILLIGAN: And?

HECUBUS: (Stage whisper) The mysterious history of Sam Evans previous lifetime coupled with the ghost of Captain Daniel Gregg of Schooner Bay!

[footsteps]

MAGGIE: Well, I shan't wait anymore. If Barnabas Collins comes in can you tell him I'll be at The Eagle Tavern?

MILLIGAN: Don't you mean The Blue Whale?

MAGGIE: Isn't that what I said?

MILLIGAN: Oh, yes, of course.

MAGGIE: (stepping about) And my unholy tip?

MILLIGAN: Oh! (fumbles through the change in his pockets) There, how would twelve half-dollars suit you? (coins clanging)

MAGGIE: Oh, my! Thank you, Sir! (laughs) I think I know who'll be buying the drinks tonight! (stepping away)

(bell-ringing, door closing]

MILLIGAN: Ah! It's so good to see a young woman in such a happy state.

[mind altering Pit of Ultimate Darkness music]

MILLIGAN: And now, join us, for the continuation of this epic alteration into the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows…

[Dark Shadows Theme Music]

MILLIGAN: Welcome back as you've patiently waited through the crashing ocean waves… Henceforth we lead you to! … a telephone call…

OPERATOR: (nasally voice) Number please.

SAM: Yes, can you connect me to Collinsport 4099, please? … thank you… Ha-low! Mr. Peterson? Yes – this is Sam Evans calling… Whad'ya mean WHO? Sam Evans! … You and Miss Stoddard dropped off a painting at my cottage at a late hour so I could clean it… Yes, I *have* cleaned it, but I haven't the foggiest idea who it belongs to, as it is… Uh-huh… Who?... Mrs. Muir? … Has she called you? … Why are you telling me about her dog?... No, just wondering… What?... No… Well, let me put it this way; I don't recall that I was working on anything before you arrived that night… Yep… All *I* know is that Barnabas Collins owes me a whopping sum of deniro… Uh-huh…Well, I'd _like_ you to come by… HUH? You don't have a date with Miss Stoddard? (incredulous) Do you need to? … Oh well, I understand, since it was a dual venture… Well *make* a date with her, old man! (laughs) Jiminy! Do you want ME to orchestrate it and be your chaperone or something?!... Ah, that's fine… (sighs) Well, considering that routine visits to anyone's house and getting them to arrive on time is usually laced with the "oh-wait-but-this" scenario, especially in THIS town, let's shoot for 9:30 tonight. No, no- don't think of it as arriving later! Think of it as SHOOTING for 9:30PM… All right. I'll expect you then… with a huge volume of Proust… Very good! See you then. Good-bye. [clank of receiver ]

GREGG: Andre?

SAM: (startled) Oooph! Phew…

GREGG: I _could_ just tap you on the shoulder, but I suppose it would be just as startling. Tell, me, sir, why didn't you just ask _me_ for Mrs. Muir's whereabouts and where to take the painting?

SAM: Captain Gregg-

GREGG: Daniel, if you please, my good man, don't forget our friendship.

SAM: Well, I do feel like I need to use a title or something since you're always calling me by an ex-name. It's a bit confusing, Captain. I can't say one night of sleep, or even two, would completely merge these past life scenarios I've been putting myself through.

GREGG: Aye, sir. It is much easier as a ghost, I'd say.

SAM: I remember… (thoughtful) you know, I do remember. I suppose, from what you say, (pensive) it was from getting so close to becoming a ghost again, myself.

GREGG: Well, let me tell you, Andre, it's much preferable to me as things are currently. We wouldn't be of much use to each other on my sphere… other than company and sharing old times.

SAM: (snapping to) Yes! I agree. I must say,… Daniel, it does help me to reconcile all the kooky calamities in this town, knowing what I know now.

GREGG: Well, what is on the agenda today?

SAM: Today? I've got to go into town and see if I can find another coffee maker… this darn percolator's busted on me.

GREGG: Why not just get a siphon?

SAM: Oh come, Daniel, that's likely to burst… with all the distraction in this town? Are you shitting me?*

GREGG: Hardly Andre! I haven't the innards… Yes, I agree, a percolator is much safer. But what shall I do in the mean time?

SAM: You're a ghost, you have the ability, go and see that Mrs. Muir of yourn and let her know what's going on… But, mind you! [creak of door opening] you needn't tell her all about MY history.

GREGG: Then what DO I tell her, Andre?

SAM: I'm recalling that imagination of yours, Daniel! You'll figure it out. [door shuts]

GREGG: Blasted Frenchman… though I suppose he isn't so much of one now… hmmm… I shall stroke my beard in consternation.

MILLIGAN: And now we take you to the woods between Collinwood proper and The Old House.

DAVID: (singing) London Bridges falling down, falling down, falling—arg! That's terrible. Just thinking about her makes me want to sing that song. It drives me crazy…

[rustling]

DAVID: (scared) Who's there? Who is it?

WADSWORTH: It is only I, Master David.

DAVID: Wadworth! Oh, thank heavens. What've you got there?

WADSWORTH: Ah, well, let us walk on back to Collinwood and I shall explain.

DAVID: All right.

WADSWORTH: Now, young man, you know that there is a lot of talk about this estate and all the various secretive ideas that go on in Collinsport.

DAVID: Tell me ABOUT it!

[sound of walking through brush and such as they go]

WADSWORTH: I shall and do so thusly. You see, in order to be sure we have our fresh supplies to prepare for mealtimes; we need a number of delivery services. However, this estate with its history and tales among the neighbours, the men who deliver these goods are a bit squeamish to come here. We do have one service for the main house and another for the old house. They brave the estates uncertain dramatic structure, though neither brings the same goods and either one lack the courage to deliver to both. So, this is my usual daily walk to make the exchange with Mrs. Johnson. You see?

DAVID: Oh, yes! In fact, it's been nice to see you. It's like there is a basic pattern as you go, something to rely on, as well. Do you enjoy working here, Wadsworth, or is it only a job to you?

WADSWORTH: Only a job? Ha! No, Master David, it presents me with puzzles, and the challenge of bringing a sense of order to each home I've worked for. As for working here especially, I find it quite pleasant. Such places are beginning to dwindle, I'm afraid. But what about you, sir? Do you have a delivery exchange of your own?

DAVID: No, not really. I'm just walking around in the woods trying to find a… strange friend?

WADSWORTH: Elusive, Master David?

DAVID: Yes! Elusive! With all the town talk and not going to the public school… not that I'd want to, really, it's not like I have a lot of friends.

WADSWORTH: Indeed. I can understand. But that song you were singing.

DAVID: Oh, don't remind me… I am so sick of that song. I wish I could get her to sing another one.

WADSWORTH: Her? You mean Sarah?

DAVID: Say, you know about her?

WADSWORTH: I know _of_ her, certainly. Her knowledge of music must range from very long ago, Master David. I would wager it would be wise to entice her with a song from… well, one that was known about two centuries past.

DAVID: (dejected) Oh, how can I find out about those? If I hear "London Bridges" one more time I'm going to explode.

WADSWORTH: Ah, yes, Master David that is a tough case. I wonder if she can be persuaded to remember another song…

DAVID: Incense and Peppermints?

WADWORTH: Oh, no she wouldn't know that one, I'm sure.

DAVID: Or Penny Lane?

WADSWORTH: No, no… I… hmm… pennies… Ah, there's the house. Let's go in and see about some old sheet music, though I mustn't stay long.

MILLIGAN: And while Wadsworth and Master David are wracking their brains over various tunes we return to Victoria and Peter… on the opposite coast.

[car door slam, bird tweeting]

VICTORIA: This is it?

PETER: (proudly) This is it!

VICTORIA: Looks like a corner brew-pub from the British Isles.

PETER: Huh?

VICTORIA: The way an entrance seems to stick out of the corner. Not to mention all the fog that's only emitting from the sides of this house in particular.

PETER: Well you haven't been inside yet.

VICTORIA: Peter, if I had to pick between Twin Peaks and the Bates Motel, I'd say this was a good deal in-between. Have you got the letter?

PETER: Of course, why do you ask?

VICTORIA: It's always good to arrive with an invitation… darling…

MILLIGAN: From inside the house!

GOMEZ: S-A-Y! I heard the word "darling".

MORTICIA: *gasp* It must be our newlyweds, Gomez! Oh, my, I think I'm going to cry.

GOMEZ: Nonsense! You cry at weddings! These two have already _been_ married.

MORTICIA: Yes, you're right, my dear. Must keep a stiff lower-lip.

GOMEZ: That's the spirit.

[sounds of a fog-horn, which means the doorbell has been rung. Door slowly creaks open. Peter & Victoria beginning to scream but are so frightened they don't get very far from the start.]

GOMEZ: Oh, do beg pardon! It's all right, Lurch, I should greet our guests.

LURCH: (standard esophageal groan and receding footfalls.)

GOMEZ: Welcome! Please come in! It _is_ Peter Bradford, is it?

PETER: (vaguely relieved) Yes, sir and you are Gomez Addams?

GOMEZ: (boisterous) In the flesh, and hopefully not too fresh! And you must be the blushing bride!

VICTORIA: Yes, Mr. Addams. Oh, well, thank you. I don't think I've had my hand kissed since we left home weeks ago.

GOMEZ: Ah, and now I must introduce you to my lovely wife, Morticia.

MORTICIA: Welcome, I've looked so forward to meeting you! Please, Victoria, come and have a seat. We have cocktails all waiting.

VICTORIA: Oh, are they supposed to steam like that?

MORTICIA: Of course. Now, Victoria Bradford, is it?

VICTORIA: Actually, no, I've been keeping my maiden name.

MORTICIA: Oh? So your name is?

VICTORIA: My name is Victoria Winters.

HECUBUS: Yes! She's finally said it!

MILLIGAN: Truly, now we must hush!

MORTICIA: Oh, my! That is indeed chilly! Lovely! I'd have a hard time giving that one up, too.

VICTORIA: Well, the real reason is that I want to make sure anyone who might be related to me can find me. You see (abashed) I'm an orphan.

MORTICIA: An orphan?!

VICTORIA: Oh, please, I hope that hasn't shocked you.

MORTICIA: An orphan! Gomez, darling! This fine lady is an orphan!

GOMEZ: Oh, is she? Marvelous! All the rage, you know.

PETER: Are you serious?

GOMEZ: Of course! Here, have a cocktail.

PETER: Uh, is it very strong?

GOMEZ: Of course! No skimping on that account.

PETER: (sipping with extensive cough of exhale)

GOMEZ: (backslapping) There, ya see?

MORTICIA: Have you truly no idea of your background or parentage, my dear?

VICTORIA: None whatsoever. I'm glad that's not a problem for you.

MORTICIA: Hardly! It's romantic, isn't it?

VICTORIA: I suppose… it would be romantic to find a splendid past, but now it's such a mystery.

MORTICIA: And what brings you out here?

VICTORIA: Oh, the place where we use to live. You see there were a lot of troubles there. It was a very prominent town.

MORTICIA: Where was it?

VICTORIA: Collinsport, Maine. I'm sure you've never heard of it.

MORTICIA: OH!

VICTORIA: You mean, you _have_ heard of it?

MORTICIA: Yes (brooding) quite a place, indeed.

VICTORIA: I hope it's no reflection on us.

MORTICIA: Quite the contrary. From my knowledge everyone there has full, rich lives, but continually they pretend otherwise.

VICTORIA: Pretend? Oh, well… I… never thought of it that way. Is that a shawl you're making, Mrs. Addams?

MORTICIA: Why yes… not quite finished. Do you like it?

VICTORIA: Well, it is a bit Victorian…

MORTICIA: Than YOU shall have it!

VICTORIA: ME?

MORTICIA: Yes, your name sake, you said so yourself. And it'll prove to keep you warm in the cold and cool in the warm.

VICTORIA: Well, thank you very much… now what were you saying about the residents of Collinsport?

MILLIGAN: Switching back to the residents of said Collinsport! And in the evening…

[door knocker echoes, door opens slowly with a creak]

CAROLYN: (happily) Welllll! How are you, Mr Peterson?

TONY: Pleased to see you, ma'am! May I come in?

CAROLYN: Certainly! (elated) Come in to the drawing room.

[footsteps, drawing room doors shutting]

CAROLYN: Have a seat (hair swishing) Just checking to see if the coast is clear.

TONY: Oh? (smile in the voice) Whatever for?

CAROLYN: Oh, stop! Ever since we went on our shenanigans mission…

TONY: Feeling like a kid again, eh?

CAROLYN: (laughing gasp) Truly! Oh, my gosh! How about you?

TONY: (sighs happily) Yep… I have to say after going through depositions most of the day, I kept smiling at the thought of all that… and you. (peck noise)

CAROLYN: Thanks. You know, it's funny. I've had some wild times in the last year or so, but when I'm with you… for some reason I notice this more innocent-ticklish side to me comes out.

TONY: Well, you know why that is, don't you?

CAROLYN: Because, so far, our dates have turned into spontaneous scenarios?

TONY: Well, that, too. But, I don't know if you remember (clothing swipe) how I felt about you?

CAROLYN: Ohh! I remember you telling me.

TONY: And then I remember seeing you with Buzz later-

CAROLYN: OLD HAT! Like I said, those wild times… and now.

TONY: Things are better?

CAROLYN: Definitely more fun! I _will_ say that! Not a crazy fun, but, a sort of… mysterious one.

[Old clock dings nine times]

CAROLYN: There goes Old Quaverton- Nine O'Clock and alls-well…

TONY: Old Quaverton?

CAROLYN: Oh, (brief giggle) that's the clock.

TONY: (incredulous) You named your clock?

CAROLYN: Oh, I didn't! It's a family tradition. Much under-used lately, as I come to think of it. It's had mechanical problems over the decades; used to make a quavering ring when I was little. Actually, it tends to repeat that problem until someone fixes it. It's been in this house since the first day it was lived in.

TONY: And the time is accurate?

CAROLYN: Well, Mrs. Johnson used to phone the time & temperature every morning, but I noticed that Cousin Barnabas's valet, Wadsworth, has been doing it when he comes by in the mornings, sometimes. I know it gets checked regularly. So, yes. I believe it's very accurate.

TONY: Very good! So…

CAROLYN: So…?

TONY: Would you do me the honour of…

CAROLYN: Another date? Tonight?

TONY: (slightly abashed) Of course…

CAROLYN: Hmm! (self-assured) That depends- is it a Bowling Party, or a Square Dance, or a Record Concert?

TONY: Or a Swim Meet, or a Weenie Roast, or a Museum Field Trip?

CAROLYN: Or a Bike Trip To Rock Point? Or an Art Lecture?

TONY: (laughing) Ah! No it's none of those! But darn it! You are as amazing on the inside as on the outside. I can't take it-

[Thud on cushions]

HECUBUS: W-o-w! Master! What is that?

MILLIGAN: That is a pouncing make-out scene on the Davenport… and we're NOT zoned for it.

HECUBUS: Oh, well- let's enjoy it!

MILLIGAN: As do they!

[General make-out noises and silences ensue, doors opening and then approaching footsteps]

ELIZABETH: Having FUN?

[Ticklish hoots and gasps]

CAROLYN: Oh, Mother!

ELIZABETH: Carolyn, as an upstanding member of this community I would expect… (pauses & sighs) Oh, nevermind… (under breath) At least it's not _Buzz…_

CAROLYN: Mother… are you, are you? (giggling) Look! She's laughing!

ELIZABETH: (trying to hold it together) I'm not laughing. That's just a… a…

TONY: (slightly nervous) A simper?

ELIZABETH: Exactly, Mr. Peterson. Perhaps, I am… lost in a personal memory.

TONY: Should I be worried?

CAROLYN: P'shaw.

ELIZABETH: Mr. Peterson… I can only ask…

TONY: Yes, Madame?

ELIZABETH: You needn't be so formal.

TONY: Oh, yes, erm, pardon me, Mrs. Stoddard.

ELIZABETH: I can only ask… well, how do you feel toward Carolyn? Is it honourable?

TONY: WHAT? Seriously? I can assure you my intentions are quite honourable. If a little tipsy.

CAROLYN: (playful surprise) Mr. Peterson!

ELIZABETH: And would you call it… love?

TONY: Well, Mrs. Stoddard, how about adoration? I certainly have that.

ELIZABETH: Ah, it'll do. Besides I overheard a bit of the conversation. Sounds like you two express some genuine affection between the in-jokes. As uplifting as all this is, though- (flustered) my goodness… don't young people do these things in automobiles now?

CAROLYN: Not if we think the doors are closed.

ELIZABETH: Well, that is true; I did rather two-handedly thrust both doors open like a matron-of-the-manor.

CAROLYN: You _are_ matron-of-the-manor, Mother.

ELIZABETH: You know what I mean… It's just as well you have arrived. I need a lawyer to go over some property rights.

TONY: Oh? Well, that is kind of you to consider my skills, but we-

[Door knocker whaps and all respond with a jerk.]

ELIZABETH: (recomposes herself and sighs) I suppose I'll answer that, as matronly as I am and without enough house-staff.

TONY & CAROLYN: (hand covered snickers)

[door opens]

SLICK MALE VOICE: (boisterously) Ah! Mr. Collins! I should have recognized you any… wuh, where… erm—(confused) wait a minute! You're not supposed to…

ELIZABETH: Not supposed to what? Open my own door?

SLICK MALE VOICE: I'm sorry, I'd heard you were… well… that you'd sadly passed away. Mrs. Stoddard, is it?

ELIZABETH: (NOT amused) Yes! And I _haven't_ passed away, and the presumption in my doorway is rather disturbing as I don't know who you are to _begin_ with.

SLICK MALE VOICE: Oh, I AM sorry, madam. Please accept my heartfelt apologies.

ELIZABETH: Accepted (under breath) with reservations.

SLICK MALE VOICE: Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Nicholas Blair.

ELIZABETH: (A pause.) You say that as though it's supposed to mean something to me…

BLAIR: (boisterously) Cassandra's brother!

[Threatening scene music… which chokes and dies away.]

ELIZABETH: Hmm…

BLAIR: Hmmm?

ELIZABETH: Quite a surprise… an extraordinary surprise. Do step in… mind you, that is NOT an invitation, just a courtesy.

BLAIR: (self-assured) Oh I imagine—(again confused) Wh' … huh?

ELIZABETH: Carolyn?

CAROLYN: Yes, Mother?

ELIZABETH: This is Cassandra's brother. Can you find your Uncle and tell him he has a caller?

CAROLYN: Oh, all right. (wanders off)

HECUBUS: (bated breath) Master… is he? Is he? OUR Master?

MILLIGAN: (sighs) No, I'm afraid not. He's fairly well-off in the realms of Tartarus but beyond that-

HECUBUS: (confused) He's not… Satan?

MILLIGAN: (resignedly) No… and believe me, we are not alone in the disappointment of it.

ROGER: What's all this, then? Oh, fine attire! Gloves, even. Well, aren't _you_ just the **dandy?**

ELIZABETH: Roger, this is Cassandra's brother, Nicholas Blair.

BLAIR: It is good to see Collinwood. Cassandra has written me so much about it.

ROGER: (incredulous, vague interest) Oh, _has_ she? Could I get you a drink?

BLAIR: (regaining slickness) No, no… I don't have… little vices.

ELIZABETH: Mr. Blair, this is Mr. Peterson.

BLAIR: Oh, how do you do?

TONY: How do you do?

BLAIR: (self-assured) You seem familiar. I think Cassandra mentioned you in her letters also.

TONY: (gratefully) Oh, no, that must be mixed up with someone else.

ROGER: Now, let's get to these papers.

ELIZABETH: Yes, Mr. Peterson, please stay, we may need your skills in this matter.

TONY: (under breath) Yep, this is was Mr. Evans meant by the oh-wait-but-this scenario…

ROGER: You see Mr. Blair, Cassandra has been missing and I have the documents here from this envelope.

[Papers fluttering.]

BLAIR: I don't follow.

ROGER: Well, I'm in the middle of an annulment.

BLAIR: (angered) Annulment? To Cassandra? On what grounds?

ROGER: (unfazed, almost bored) Oh, abandonment, being under the influence, ahem! lack of consummation, (coughs) Deception and of course, clandestinity.

BLAIR: But this is absurd! I was sure my sister was safely on this estate, but if there is this mockery going on-

ROGER: Will you please sign here?

BLAIR: Absolutely not!

ROGER: Well, in that case, we have no further business.[rustles papers back into envelope] Cassandra has been missing for weeks, and I'm of the understanding she shan't be back.

BLAIR: (seething) This is preposterous. I expected a man of your stature to grant me-

ROGER: Oh? A man of my stature to grant you… what? A house on the estate, rent free? Sitting around waiting for my soon to be non-wife to make a convenient appearance? No. If you are not going to help with this I must ask you to leave.

BLAIR: (appealingly) Mrs. Stoddard?

ELIZABETH: This way, Mr. Blair.

[footsteps and door opening]

BLAIR: (utterly confused) But-but-but, where shall I stay? Can you give me no inkling of where she might be?

ELIZABETH: (pleasantly) Well, she IS your sister, Mr. Blair. You yourself might have a better deduction of her whereabouts. We've hardly known her for the month she was here. And if you insist on staying in Collinsport, there is the Collinsport Inn.

BLAIR: Well, I-

ELIZABETH: Good evening, Mr. Blair and good luck!

[door shuts and there is a collective, though understated, breath of relief]

TONY: Well that was just plain _bizarre_.

CAROLYN:( (happily) _I'll _say, but terribly nice to see for a change.

ROGER: Yes! Very good, Sister.

ELIZABETH: (indignant satisfaction) Oh! I've been _dying_ to throw someone out of this house since those _nasty_ nightmares came into it. Roger will you please pour me a brandy?

ROGER: Certainly! Mr. Peterson?

TONY: Oh, no. I think we'll be going soon.

ROGER: Kitten?

CAROLYN: Hmm? Oh, no thank you, Uncle Roger. We must be going.

ROGER: Well, enjoy your date, you two.

ELIZABETH: And Mr. Peterson. We'll be hoping for your sound advice involving a piece of property soon. I hope we see you again in short order.

TONY: Of course, Mrs. Stoddard. Mr. Collins…

CAROLYN: Good evening!

EVERYONE ELSE: Good evening!

[drawing room doors close]

TONY: What the devil did we just witness?

CAROLYN: Devil is right, but not a very convincing one. Anyway, where are we off to?

TONY: Well, if that man isn't lurking outside in a vent of frustration, we need to see Mr. Evans.

CAROLYN: Oh! Has he finished the painting?

TONY: I believe so. . . You're uncle has sure changed!

CAROLYN: For the better I hope. He's much more relaxed. Now let's take a peek…

[door creaks open]

TONY: Do you see him out there?

CAROLYN: No. Do you see him?

TONY: No…

[wind whistling]

CAROLYN: Race you to the car?

TONY: On your mark… get set… GO!

[Door slamming shut and racing footsteps]

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, the evening progressing, we take you to Eagle Tav- I mean, The Blue Whale!

[Noises of glasses tinkling, conversation, low music…]

BOB: Hiya, Maggie! What'll it be?

MAGGIE: Rum & Cola, Bob.

BOB: Ah, well (liquid pouring) not your usual poison.

MAGGIE: No, but I'm feeling a bit… different… tonight.

BOB: Here you go, Maggie. (slide of glass across bar) and , oh, wow, half-dollars. Any special change? Dimes and a nickel or?

MAGGIE: Just a quarter. I'll need it for the jukebox.

BOB: Right-o, (register shuffles and dings) here you are. (clank of quarter)

MAGGIE: (sipping) I'll be putting in my song. If a dashing Old-World gentleman with a cane wanders in, can you point him in my direction?

BOB: Ah, sure, Maggie. Not a big crowd tonight anyway. Looks like it's just you and me so far.

MAGGIE: I noticed that, too. Worried about losing your usual earnings?

BOB: (laid back) Naw, it's nice to finally have some quiet around here. I gotta say I barely make even sometimes having to clean up the joint with all the fist-fights and KNIVES I'm used to seeing in this place.

MAGGIE: (laughing) Uh-huh, I remember hearing about how gruesome it gets, but then again, even a good drink has that effect on people.

BOB: True. I should'a listened to my dad when he mentioned getting into tailoring.

MAGGIE: You and me both.

BOB: Really? Ah well. Any seats open to you here. You just enjoy yourself.

MAGGIE: Thanks, Punchy.

[footsteps, music begins to fade, plunk of quarter into mechanical regions, ka'chunking of jukebox buttons. Low sigh.]

BARNABAS: (usual sensuous appeal) May I have this dance, Miss Evans?

MAGGIE: (quick inhale) Aw… Mr. Collins … I thought you'd never ask…

[sound of glass and cane to table… "Sleep Walk" by Santo & Johnny plays]

BARNABAS: Can't say I know this type of music very well…

MAGGIE: Doing well so far… I'm able to follow.

[slow dancing footsteps]

BARNABAS: Feeling well, my dear?

MAGGIE: Now, that you're here… (swish) nice change.

BARNABAS: I know a few dances… with this playing out, I've got to guess.

MAGGIE: (steps and sniffs a giggle) Yep, this seems a bit of the tango…

BARNABAS: … ah, that's what you call it…

[music continues without dialogue six measures]

MAGGIE: Did you come here from the coffee shop?

BARNABAS: No… I knew… I had a feeling you were here instead.

MAGGIE: Ah… and had the urge for a dance with a working girl?

BARNABAS: Oh… you are… much more than that.

[music-plays out, "Misty" by Santo & Johnny plays, chairs rustle]

MAGGIE: Ah, that was refreshing. Reminds me of something… not sure what…

BARNABAS: Don't you?

MAGGIE: Now, what does _that_ knowing grin mean?

BARNABAS: Just… enjoying the company.

MAGGIE: Not missing the coffee shop?

BARNABAS: No, are you?

MAGGIE: No.

BARNABAS: My cousin David tells me he's looking forward to having you as his new governess.

MAGGIE: Oh, good! It's always nice to hear of welcome beyond my own talk with him.

BARNABAS: Now tell me, have you worked everything out there and at home?

MAGGIE: (sighs) Well, yes, the manager is fine with my coming in for a few hours after six o'clock. Mrs. Stoddard let me know I needn't make early mornings unless I want to move in. I doubt I'll want to do that.

BARNABAS: Wise decision. And you can always change your mind.

MAGGIE: Quite… and I wanted to ask you… I'm going to get a bit confounded, I think. Which Mister Collins shall I keep calling Mister Collins?

BARNABAS: I hope it isn't me.

MAGGIE: Even on the estate?

BARNABAS: Even there. If anyone finds it inappropriate then… oh dear.

MAGGIE: What is it?

BARNABAS: (slightly irritable memory) Well, I was going to say have them discuss it with me, but then there were those conversations I dread.

MAGGIE: Oh, if it isn't convenient-

BARNABAS: No, it's not so much that, but… remember before Wadsworth arrived?

MAGGIE: I do. It's almost like the wind changed direction. I know it didn't but…

BARNABAS: It seemed like everyone on the estate and beyond, we all had these inanely indefatigable conversations upon a single point. I just became concerned the conversation style might return on… such a topic.

MAGGIE: Well, let's not have that type of discussion now. I'll call you by your first name or your whole name and if anyone has any trouble I'll just follow their lead.

BARNABAS: Not a problem?

MAGGIE: Well, you've just seen me in action. I can follow a lead. Besides, why would anyone have any trouble? It's not like we're dating or something.

BARNABAS: Oh… we're not?

MAGGIE: I don't remember you asking me out… Now _those_ two.

BARNABAS: Oh! Cousin Carolyn and Mister Peterson? They seem to be in a bit of a hurry.

MAGGIE: Well, they should be. They're supposed to be meeting Pop tonight. But that's not what I mean. Look at how they're almost glowing?

BARNABAS: (winsome intrigue) It is curious. Is that a date?

MAGGIE: It is, but not for that reason. They've planned it out a bit. And the intention is obvious. But that's not what you and I have, I think.

BARNABAS: Oh? Had I too abruptly asked you for a dance?

MAGGIE: Didn't seem like that at the time. I think what we have is a mystery, though. No one could _prove_, however, that we've been dating. You see?

BARNABAS: Ah! I see now. I understand your meaning.

MAGGIE: And out they go again… But yes, we're friends, with a mystery.

BARNABAS: Would you like to help me unravel that mystery?

MAGGIE: Time enough for that. For now, just keep me company. I want to stay a while before going home. I need to stay out of Pop's way while those two are over there.

BARNABAS: Do you have any idea what's happened to them? They certainly seem as much themselves as ever… alone.

MAGGIE: Yes, it's a bit, oh, a bit of the playfulness. He liked her years ago, and I suspect she was curious about him. Then, of course, everyone goes about graduating school and doing their own thing. So, I guess they have an old spark that finally lit. With that comes all those things they may have played with as kids, but perhaps with the thrill of making those adult decisions?

BARNABAS: Very intriguing. Complex, too. Would you say... they are… making up for lost time as well?

MAGGIE: Making up for lost time? Hmm, yes, I think I would.

BARNABAS: Then I understand entirely.

MAGGIE: Knowingly too, from the looks of it.

BARNABAS: You see through me almost completely, Maggie Evans.

MAGGIE: Do I? I guess it's a knack. I'm hardly trying.

BARNABAS: Keep it up.

[Music fades out.]

MILLIGAN: Somewhere on the road.

[Motor hums]

HOFFMAN: Professor, are you sure he knows we're coming to see him?

STOKES: Of course, I posted the letter three days ago. It shouldn't take any longer than that. Besides, you had to decipher his script to know he was eager to have a visitor.

HOFFMAN: Well, many of our patients are eager to have any visitor. I'm just not sure he understands why this is happening. It might upset his treatment.

STOKES: Doctor, it is part of Mr. Loomis' treatment, I think.

HOFFMAN: (wistful analysis) I'm still concerned about that one phrase. Couldn't figure out if it was a Q or an F.

STOKES: -which is precisely why we're doing all this. That man must learn penmanship.

HOFFMAN: But why penmanship?

STOKES: Well he's got to have something. Something that communicates.

HOFFMAN: What about, well, proper speech? Improve his vocabulary, that kind of thing.

STOKES: I'll approach that side of things, but in writing.

HOFFMAN: (pressing the issue) Yes, but don't you think you should help with his manner of speaking before calligraphy?

STOKES: It is my belief that to try and change that would be pushing him too far. The written word he's at least become curious about since he's had to perform more of it at Wyndcliff.

HOFFMAN: Still, I'm just suggesting… well..

STOKES: Doctor, and I do call you **Doctor** Hoffman, I am no Professor Higgins, but keep up this line of suggesting and I will be determined to call you _Colonel Pickering_.

HOFFMAN: (snickers) All right, all right… I must say I'm losing my touch if you could find that association before I did.

MILLIGAN: And our last stop of the night… The Collinsport Inn…

BLAIR: (irritable) How grievous an entrance. A room, a single room. And no Cassandra. This town was supposed to be easier. Beelzebub, what a crock and a half!

DEMONIC VOICE: We told you it wasn't going to be a skip across hot coals.

BLAIR: Oh, don't rub it in. No one to manipulate or insinuate secrets out of. These people are becoming almost blissful in their ignorance. Not only are they not trying to hide anything, but there doesn't seem to be a scrap of guilt or the gut-wrenching worry I expected.

DEMONIC VOICE: You still have to find Angelique. We don't want to lose her.

BLAIR: (sighs) Yes, yes… (grudgingly) I can but try.

[Neil Sedaka's "Little Devil" as outro theme]

_Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Hey, little devil_

_Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Hey, little devil_

_Hey, little devil, you're always running around (hey, little devil)_  
><em>It's time that someone started bringing you down (hey, little devil)<em>  
><em>There'll be (there'll be) some changes made<em>  
><em>Your roving days are through<em>  
><em>Hey, little devil, I'm gonna make an angel out of you<em>

_They say beware_  
><em>But I don't care<em>  
><em>I love you just the same<em>  
><em>You're an old heartbreaker and a mischief maker<em>  
><em>But I'm wise to your game<em>

_Whoa, whoa, whoa_

_Hey, little devil, everything is gonna be fine (hey, little devil)_  
><em>Cause someday soon I'm gonna make you all mine (hey, you little devil)<em>  
><em>There'll be (there'll be) no running around<em>  
><em>You met your Waterloo<em>  
><em>Hey, little devil, I'm gonna make an angel out of you<em>

_Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah_  
><em>Hey, little devil<em>  
><em>Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah<em>  
><em>Hey, little devil<em>  
><em>Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah<em>  
><em>Hey, little devil<em>  
><em>Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah<em>  
><em>Hey, little devil<em>

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

Coronet (Instructional) Films

The Addam's Family (1960's TV Show)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

Santo and Johnny Farina

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

_*And yes... as I've just discovered... Pop was right. Upon getting distracted watching "Dark Shadows"... my siphon coffee maker just burst... *weep* :(_


	8. Episode 8: A Long Awaited Trip To The---

Summary:

At Wyncliff, Dr. Hoffman and Professor Stokes visit with Willie Loomis to introduce an added element to his treatment.

Tony and Carolyn arrive at the Evans' Cottage on to discover there is more to the painting of Captain Gregg than they thought at first.

Peter and Victoria analyze their hosts relationship and its glowing health, however odd their household is.

Nicholas Blair encounters a few surprises in search of Angelique, who he eventually finds. (I believe she wants to argue the point of love versus sex but is too wiped out to bother.)

Tony and Carolyn wrap up the evening in more or less steamy enjoyment.

Meanwhile, Barnabas and Maggie arrive at the Old House after their non-date, with a little trouble of their own.

Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 8: "A Long Awaited Trip to the Passion Pit"

Dedicated to Tony & Carolyn, 'cause they're so hawt right now!

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme (not in the podcast because I can't find it)]

MILLIGAN: Hello. I am Sir Simon Milligan, and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness… Tonight we dive into the diseased human soul. Join me in studying this rainbow collection of fog. Within us are several personalities. For example, are any of us the same person when we go from the grave and back to the cradle discussing our histories with our parents? Well, we are, rather, but then, they don't always like hearing about it… Just an example. You see, in the normal soul these personalities are integrated and carrying on afresh with the most recent incarnation. However, in the freakish...Collinsport soul, these personalities splinter, forming separate and distinct people, living within a single body… I know… it's a bit hard to grasp, but let us move forward. Now, join me in welcoming my brimstone baby, Manservant Hecubus.

[Hoots & Applause]

HECUBUS: Good evening, Master.

MILLIGAN: Good evening, Hecubus. Do you have anything to add to the repertoire of the Collinsport soul?

HECUBUS: Well, it's mainly that most of the inhabitants have indeed reincarnated, except perhaps one.

MILLIGAN: Hecubus? Everyone's been someone else there at least three times! How can you say that?

HECUBUS: What about your old bridge partner, Master?

MILLIGAN: (unhappy recognition) Oh, him, yes, that is a bit of a trial for the old bloke; Always wrestling through a sea of familiar faces with different names. Even he has been thwarted with a split in his own personality.

HECUBUS: You mean how he used to be the villain of this show with S&M tendencies and a completely different historical memory than what Victoria Winters experienced in the past?

MILLIGAN: Yes, Hecubus. Being stuck in a chained coffin for 170 odd years can do that to a fellow. And we must praise such a trial… it is… rather… evil.

HECUBUS: And now to continue with our story of tragically uncertain continuity!

[Dark Shadows Theme Music]

MILLIGAN: Professor Stokes and Doctor Hoffman have arrived at Wyndcliff Sanatorium… which resembles a stately home, rather than the brick habiliments one would normally associate with such a place. Stokes and Hoffman await a nurse to escort him to the waiting room.

[doors open, footsteps]

HOFFMAN: Thank you, Miss Jackson, you may leave. I'll let you know when we need you again.

NURSE: (flippant fatigue) Of course… I'll just be across the hall… reading my Marilyn Ross novel…

WILLIE: (deliberate solemnity) Oh, y-you'll let me know what happens, won't ya?

NURSE: (assuring) Don't worry, Mr. Loomis. I'll give you a full report of Jan Davis' experiences.

[doors closing, brooding Dark Shadows flute music]

HOFFMAN: Hello, Willie. How are you feeling?

WILLIE: I… we… we had potatoes today.

HOFFMAN: Really? What kind?

WILLIE: Mashed… but, I think they said they were white.

HOFFMAN: Wouldn't they be?

WILLIE: Well, y'see… they… they weren't russet potatoes… so…

HOFFMAN: Oh, you mean the potatoes themselves were white, not just the mashed potatoes.

WILLIE: Yeh, so, it was nice.

STOKES: Do you mean, Mister Loomis, that they didn't taste like dirt?

WILLIE: Yeh… say… do I know you?

STOKES: We have exchanged letters.

HOFFMAN: Oh, please allow me to introduce you… Willie Loomis, Professor Stokes.

WILLIE: Oh, pleased to meet ya… I think…

STOKES: Likewise, Mister Loomis. I have been looking forward to this.

WILLIE: Have ya? Stokes… wow, that does have a familiar ring to it.

STOKES & HOFFMAN: Oh?

WILLIE: Well, let me see a minute… let me think… Like it was… someone Barnabas Collins talked about.

HOFFMAN: You remember Barnabas Collins?

WILLIE: Yeh… yeh, I do… I remember the Old House.

STOKES: Pleasant thoughts about it?

WILLIE: (thinking) Well, I, well… I have a few…

HOFFMAN: How many?

STOKES: (incredulous) Doctor Hoffman, please… do you want him to count them?

HOFFMAN: Shouldn't take long.

WILLIE: Well… yes… I have several…

HOFFMAN: You see, seven… he has seven pleasant thoughts about it.

STOKES: I believe he said several, Doctor. That's a quite a bit above a few.

WILLIE: Yeh, that's what I said. Several, any number really.

HOFFMAN: And can you describe one?

WILLIE: I worked… on things… antique things. Things that I had an understanding for, y'know? Like the old stove.

STOKES: See, Doctor? Likes working with his hands… hands on things.

HOFFMAN: Willie, Professor Stokes and I would like to add something to your everyday routine here. Now you can say no if it's asking too much.

WILLIE: Well, I… Ask away, Doctor Hoffman.

HOFFMAN: Would you be willing to learn… well, a new writing style?

WILLIE: A new…? Well, (gentle laugh) Doc, I-I already know how to write.

STOKES: Yes, Mister Loomis, but we're looking to help educate, or rather, help advance the technique you're currently using.

WILLIE: Advance? What's wrong with it now?

STOKES: (nonchalantly) Ohh, just a few slight alterations to help the legibility of your style, you understand.

WILLIE: Eh? You think what I got isn't good enough now?

HOFFMAN: Oh not at all.

WILLIE: Doc, why – why don't you just tell me? Do I got a problem with the way I'm doing it now or-or-or-or not? C'mon now. Don't think I can't take, 'cause I tell ya, I can.

HOFFMAN: Willie, I-

STOKES: Mister Loomis, there is something about this that we all know.

WILLIE: Oh, yeh? What is that?

STOKES: A man, any man, can improve himself into realms of distinction and integrity that he never assumed himself to achieve.

WILLIE: (laughing) Ah… ah, y'see? Y'see, Doc? I understood what he said. He may have said it above what you thought I could figure out. But I know it. I know what he said.

HOFFMAN: What did he say, Willie?

WILLIE: He said, that no matter what I've already done, I can do better.

HOFFMAN: And do you want to? Do you want to learn?

WILLIE: (laughing) Ah… ha… well… yeh… sure. Why not, right? What do I have to lose? I'm stuck here anyway… right?

HOFFMAN: No, Willie, you are not stuck here.

WILLIE: But what'm I gonna do in the meantime,eh?

STOKES: Exactly, Mr. Loomis. What shall you do in the meantime?

WILLIE: Well, I'll find out what happened to Jan Davis in Nurse Jackson's novel, don't forget. But… but aside from that?

STOKES: And are you willing to work with me or anyone I send to you for this?

WILLIE: A'course. What am I gonna get, anyway? Foolscap or vellum?

STOKES: (pauses) You know about those?

WILLIE: Of course I do.

STOKES: You see, Doctor? He's already aware of the intricate details in this fine art.

WILLIE: Eh, is that what they call it… fine?

HOFFMAN: All right, I admit it. You could knock me over with a feather.

WILLIE: Feather… yeah, that's for a quill, isn't it?

STOKES: Oh, (laughing) you see, Doctor? Our Mister Loomis is going to do just fine.

…

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile at the Evan's Cottage, Captain Daniel Gregg & Sam Evans are waiting for Tony Peterson & Carolyn Stoddard to arrive.

GREGG: Lor! That is a mighty volume.

SAM: Ah, yeh. I figured we'd have time to read it while we waited. I, myself, have only gotten through the first paragraph of the overture.

GREGG: What's the title?

SAM: Remembrances of Things Past.

GREGG: (laughs) What a choice!

SAM: That wasn't the reason I picked it out, Daniel.

GREGG: But still, Andre-

SAM: Say, if you do put in an appearance tonight, don't go calling me Andre while the kids are here, will ya?

GREGG: Oh! Yes, consider my hatch covers secure, old man. Now, do press on.

SAM: (reading) "I would ask myself what o'clock it could be; I could hear the whistling of trains, which, now nearer and now farther off, punctuating the distance like the note of a bird in a forest, shewed me in perspective the deserted countryside through which a traveller would be hurrying towards the nearest station…"

GREGG: Not bad, not bad… did this book have another title?

SAM: Yes, À la recherche du temps perdu.

GREGG: Ha! In Search of Lost Time! Even more fitting!

SAM: For which? The two of us, or the people I told you about? Or the town? Or you?

GREGG: All of the above. Please, keep reading, my friend.

SAM: (reading) "…the path that he followed being fixed for ever in his memory by the general excitement due to being in a strange place, to doing unusual things, to the last words of conversation, to farewells exchanged beneath an unfamiliar lamp which echoed still in his ears amid the silence of the night; and to the delightful prospect of being once again at home."

GREGG: Lovely… I do miss a good pipe about now…

[knock, knock, knock]

GREGG: Andre, you're going to introduce me, aren't you?

SAM: If you make yourself known, Daniel. I don't have much control of that.

GREGG: No, you don't.

SAM: So help me out here.

GREGG: Of course.

[magic noise of Captain Gregg disappearing, door opening]

SAM: My god…

TONY: Oh, sorry, we were just having…

SAM: An inside joke, of course, I can see that.

CAROLYN: (giggling) Sorry, Mr. Evans, we're a little distracted.

SAM: As well, you should be… well come in! Come in! You two…. My goodness, have a seat.

CAROLYN: Thank you, Mister Evans… oh… I can't sit down…(enthralled) here's the painting, all cleaned and it looks almost brand new!

TONY: I'll say, look at that.

SAM: Ah, thank you. It comes with the job, don't you know?

CAROLYN: Oh, Mr. Evans, I've seen you do this before, but w-o-w, this is so good. This must be how it looked the first day it was painted.

SAM: And you would know that… because…

TONY: She has that, well you know, that I don't know what.. that…

[magic noise of Captain Gregg appearing]

GREGG: That "je ne sais quoi…"

TONY & CAROLYN: (startled) AH!

SAM: (sighs) Sorry, I guess I'll need to introduce…

GREGG: No need, Andr -erm, Mr. Evans. I am Captain Daniel Gregg.

TONY: Where did you come from?

GREGG: Well, as my good friend tells me… the mesosphere…

CAROLYN: What? You mean of the Underworld, or something like that?

TONY: (rash disbelief) See here, what is this? You can't be a ghost!

GREGG: I'm afraid I am, but don't be alarmed. I mean you no harm.

TONY: (alarmed) But how can we see you? How can we hear you?

GREGG: Because I wish it!

TONY: Uh-uh, I don't believe this for a moment. This must be some trick.

GREGG: Oh, well, if you'd like me to prove it…

[Thunder crashing, streams of rain pelting down outside]

CAROLYN: Ah!

GREGG: Does that help?

CAROLYN: Can you- can you halt it as well?

GREGG: Certainly.

[Thunder and rain subside almost immediately]

TONY: (deep breaths)… Holy… mackerel…

GREGG: Well, they are a handsomely prolific type of fish, but holy? I'll have to think about that.

TONY: No… no… I mean, it… that… that accounts for a lot.

CAROLYN: He's the man in the portrait, the old portrait…

TONY: That's why Mrs. Muir kept speaking out of turn…

CAROLYN: She was talking to you.

GREGG: (happily) Ah-ha-ha, yes. My, it is refreshing to hear someone else understand that. (slightly abashed) Poor woman, I suppose I don't make things very easy for her.

TONY: I certainly thought I'd had some surprises tonight.

SAM: Ah, no doubt, Mr. Peterson, no doubt… Hmm? Why, what surprises have you… (quickly concerned) whoa, there. Have a seat, you two. You both look a bit faint.

CAROLYN: I, uh, thank you. I'm so chilled I could wrap myself in this crocheted afghan, instead of just sitting on it. (quickly concerned)

GREGG: I DO apologize, here now, deploy your anchors.

TONY: Don't mind if we do.

GREGG: Spot of the Madeira, good fellow.

SAM: Ah, yes, here. I already prepared it on this possibility.

TONY & CAROLYN: Oh, thank you. (both sipping)

SAM: Let us know when you're quite all right.

TONY: Can you pour again? I have to admit-

CAROLYN: -this is just… so unbelievable…

SAM: In this town? It's not that unbelievable. Well, no, sorry. I've had to come to terms with it for almost a week now. I guess I have a better grasp. Still, you two did thrust this painting on me at an inopportune moment. It wasn't until later I found out that he was attached to it.

TONY: Is that so?

SAM: Oh, yes. The captain and I have been talking a lot and many of my cleanings were based on his knowledge, not just my expertise.

CAROLYN: How extraordinary…

GREGG: Have you calmed down?

TONY: I think so.

GREGG: I wanted to know… What other surprise had you two had?

CAROLYN: Oh, that one… (takes a breath) it turned out good. My mother threw a strange man, Cassandra's brother, out of the house.

SAM: Mrs. Roger Collin's brother? Hoo, boy.

TONY: Yes… you were right, Mr. Evans. With all that going on I'm surprised we made it here on time at all.

SAM: (light chuckling) It's true, it's true.

GREGG: Yes… I've come across that oddity, as it were. Anyway, do describe this gentleman.

CAROLYN: He appeared fairly aristocratic. Dark hair, grey suit and gloves…

GREGG: Moustache?

TONY: Why yes, he did.

CAROLYN: He called himself Nicholas Blair. He was looking for Cassandra, claimed to have received letters about us and Collinwood. Of course, she's been missing.

GREGG: Aye… doesn't sound at all ship-shape to me.

SAM: Hardly… how did all that come to pass?

TONY: Oh, well-

CAROLYN: (snickers behind her hand)

TONY: (bemused) What?

CAROLYN: You were asking me…

TONY: (recognition) Oh!

GREGG: (knowingly bemused) Hmmm… I smell more than the standard romance here…

TONY: Then of course, Mrs. Stoddard walked in.

SAM: (also knowingly bemused) I see… got caught necking, did you?

[A pause, and then Carolyn & Tony begin cracking-up, helped by the fact that they're trying not to. Sam Evans and Captain Gregg begin to laugh as well.]

CAROLYN: It was pretty good, if awkward. Mother began one of her lectures-

TONY: I'd call it an injunction-

CAROLYN: You would, and then she gave it up in a sort of hopeless, careless fashion, and I swear, she was starting to laugh herself, until I began pointing it out.

TONY: Then a knock startled us and that's when she opened the door for Mr. Blair. Then Carolyn went to get Mr. Collins and he asked Mr. Blair to sign some annulment papers rather quick to which he became angry and was swiftly seen out the door. I can't recall a time Mr. Collins and Mrs. Stoddard cooperated so fast.

CAROLYN: I'm not sure I've seen it either and I live with them!

GREGG: Who is this Cassandra?

CAROLYN: She married my Uncle Roger and then seemed to abruptly disappear. The truth of the matter is she was posing as a complete innocent, but I'm sure she was after Cousin Barnabas. Everyone picked up on it except Uncle Roger. Even Mrs. Johnson did!

GREGG: Ah… this Cassandra, she was the one in the other painting.

CAROLYN: I know… I'm sorry Mr. Evans, I don't know what came over us.

GREGG: I do. I saw it.

TONY: Did you?

GREGG: Yes, and I'm sure you were coming to the conclusion that you did, b-u-t it always helps to make a little metaphysical suggestion. I didn't like what I saw in that painting.

TONY: (resignedly)I suppose we'll have to bring it back.

SAM: Good grief, no! I'd rather have nothing to do with it ever again. I'm not even sure Barnabas Collins should know where that thing is. Now… I want us to reach an understanding.

TONY: Yes?

SAM: Everything concerning this is likely all right. But there is something I want the two of you to know, before you become further involved with each other.

GREGG: Or either of us.

SAM: You don't know, do you?

CAROLYN: Know what?

SAM: When you transferred that other painting with this one, yes?

CAROLYN: Yes… Mr. Evans. We did and I'm sorry if it interfered with your plans.

SAM: It did and… sit still… because I want to thank you.

TONY: Thank us?

SAM: Yes…

CAROLYN: (surprised) Why?

SAM: Miss Stoddard? Mister Peterson? You changed paintings on me… and I don't know if you realize it… but… you likely saved… my life.

TONY & CAROLYN: We did?

SAM: A bad woman came here later, looking for the painting that you took.

CAROLYN: Did she? Cassandra?

SAM: I don't know for certain who she was… but you… and this gentleman here… you all changed things for us… for everyone. And I want you to know it. I was blissfully unaware of where it was, I wasn't even in my right mind, I'd say. But if I had known I'm sure she would have done something very nasty to me. So it's a warning… if she comes looking for you.

TONY: Point taken!

CAROLYN: No kidding! So… Are we taking the painting back to Gull Cottage?

GREGG: Ohh… well, I wanted to let you know… I think tomorrow is more suitable.

TONY: Oh? How do you know that?

GREGG: I was there earlier and, well, let's say our Mrs. Muir is winding down from another bout of frustration with my blasted… well, her landlord. It can wait 'til tomorrow. To go now would be warming the bell as it were. With what you've had to go through, I'd say some relaxation is in order, salvage what's left of the night.

CAROLYN: I dunno. Collinsport can get pretty wild on a Friday night.

TONY: Wilder than this?

…

MILLIGAN: And so if one was wondering what became of Victoria & Peter's encounter among the Addams Family household, well, let's say they made it through the day and are now reflecting on it.

…

PETER: [whispering] Vicky? Vicky?

VICTORIA: Shh! Don't disturb anyone.

PETER: In this house?

VICTORIA: Keep whispering, if even just for me.

PETER: (whispering) All right, Victoria.

VICTORIA: Sit down here.

PETER: Peeking through the balustrade, again, my little witch?

VICTORIA: Don't be obtuse-

PETER: Sorry, Vicky. (sits beside her) I suppose all the mileage never helped us to discuss what we've been through.

VICTORIA: It's all right, Peter. And you're correct. I did enjoy peeking at things… I wasn't supposed to… back then.

PETER: And this time in a much more fetching nightgown, I'd wager.

VICTORIA: (barely audible giggles) Yes… I can't say what I wore back then I could call cotton.

PETER: It was cotton, but I know what you mean. It was the soap or lack there of… Chaffed me to high heaven. This century is much nicer… even here.

VICTORIA: Peter, I know it's been really, well, odd? Weird?

PETER: How about bizarre and disturbing? That Uncle Fester…

VICTORIA: Oh, (sighs) so he can light bulbs in his mouth? He's wants to amuse. He's not like Cassandra, or Jason… Gracious, I come to believe he's happier than Willie Loomis.

PETER: I can only take your word for that.

VICTORIA: Peter… look at them…

PETER: They're fencing…

VICTORIA: (mystified) No… they're not, Peter. They're dancing. They've had two children already. And they're dancing.

PETER: Well, they're dancing now. They were fencing a moment ago. And what difference does it make that they've had two children and still dance together?

VICTORIA: All the difference. You and I… we've experienced two distinctly different centuries.

PETER: I wish we'd talk about it.

VICTORIA: Let's do now. Marriages… they're not all they're cracked up to be, really.

PETER: No, not the ones we've seen.

VICTORIA: Exactly- but look at Morticia and Gomez. They are terribly unconventional.

PETER: (sighs) It's true. But, Vicky… are you getting at the fact that they…

VICTORIA: … Peter, do me a favour and say it.

PETER: As strange as that couple is, they're… still in love…

VICTORIA: Exactly, Peter. And that's… that's what I want. I want us, wherever we go, whatever we do… I want us to have this.

PETER: You want to take fencing classes?

VICTORIA: (snickers) Oh… stop… Well… you know, maybe someday. It's something to do, right?

PETER: Yes… what harm could there be? Could be fun, heck, it might be handy. I think I had a few lessons but never had a chance to continue. See, there they go again.

[Fencing swords clashing in the background.]

VICTORIA: (Light inhale of idea) Peter, you dear… that's it. That's why we're here.

PETER: (not getting it) . . . to. . . get marriage counseling?

VICTORIA: No… Everything is hard too pick out and understand. There are a few things we could get used to.

PETER: Um… truly?

VICTORIA: Well, what I mean is, if we know we were going to stay an allotted amount of time we could really do this.

PETER: How long?

VICTORIA: Well that's just it. While we're here we learn fencing.

PETER: (incredulous) From them?

VICTORIA: (smilingly assured) Yes, Mr. Bradford, yes.

PETER: That's… not…

VICTORIA: Not what… cost-effective? Did you think I had the funds for a proper school, not to mention the equipment?

PETER: (sighs then snorts) Yeh, Dr. Lang didn't exactly leave me the world's biggest paycheck.

VICTORIA: I was surprised he left you anything.

PETER: Me, too. But I guess he must have felt pretty bad about his rotten treatment of me. A three year pension was nice, even if it is limited.

VICTORIA: And my funds aren't exactly lasting either.

PETER: Victoria, do you really want to do this?

VICTORIA: I do.

PETER: All right. You know I can hardly resist it when you put those two words together.

VICTORIA: For better and for worse.

PETER: And for weird.

VICTORIA: C'mon, let's go back to bed.

…

MILLIGAN: And along the wharf of Collinsport… If there's more than one… well… pick your favourite!

[sounds of wharf, seagulls, ocean waves, an occasional sea lion barking or flopping, footsteps along the wharf]

BLAIR: (still griping) Hmm… frosty evening… and misty… and damp… ugh… certainly not the atmosphere I'm used to.

LADY: (breezy) Howdy, sugar, lookin' for some company?

BLAIR: (suddenly cheerful) Oh, good evening. You must forgive me, I am looking for a woman, but I sense she- well, what I mean is-

LADY: Nice hat, but I'm on for a different tip. What kind of woman are you after?

BLAIR: Well, I sense she is rather downtrodden, perhaps even age'ed.

LADY: (breezy assurance) I can be that, I can be whatever you-

BLAIR: Ah, I'm afraid you're looking for a sailor-

LADY: (displeased) -what? Another sailor? You don't look it.

BLAIR: No, I mean, I'm not a sailor- but I would like to reward you with some information.

LADY: That's it? Just information? I'm a bit new here. This isn't the most lucrative port on the coast. I grant you.

BLAIR: I'll say. In fact, I'm surprised to see any… lovely ladies out here at this hour. I was told it was rather dangerous.

LADY: Oh! That. Nope, the biz has gotten better since all that blood-letting strangler-nonsense quieted down.

BLAIR: Oh?

LADY: Yes. There were some running wolves and some crazy bats and some hawkish features roaming the neighbourhood, but sources say its easy sailing here again.

BLAIR: Really… that's interesting. I guess there's a few… erm… compatriots along the wharf tonight?

LADY: Oh! Looking for a party, are we? Well, not tonight. I work alone. And I think I would be far better alone than working with that other straggler.

BLAIR: Huh? Who?

LADY: Don't kid me, she can't be the gal you're looking for.

BLAIR: Who is this lady?

LADY: She's out at the end there.

BLAIR: And she not… doing well?

LADY: Hardly well at all. She doesn't even have a cane. Just a stick. Looks like the end of an old broom.

BLAIR: Really? Here.

LADY: Huh? What's this for? Whuh- why… That's Ben Franklin!

BLAIR: No kidding. Don't spend it all in one place.

LADY: I'll say I won't! Don't you even want-

BLAIR: Hush money!

LADY: (gets it) Oh, I see. I'll be off then.

BLAIR: **Do**… (walking out on to the wharf and whispering) Cassandra? Cassandra? Grr… Belphegor… show up, woman…

[thumping noise of stick to wood]

BLAIR: Cassandra… Cassandra?

[footsteps, more thumping of stick to wood]

BLAIR: Angelique…

[thumping stops]

WITHERED CREATURE: Who speaks that name?

BLAIR: Heh, you should know me.

WITHERED CREATURE: Nicholas? Nicholas?

BLAIR: Well it's about time! Where have you been?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Falling to pieces, shtupid.

BLAIR: Oh, really, stupid am I?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (fed-up) Give a woman a hand, you fool!

BLAIR: Of course, here. (sniff) EW! Unholy Medusa, you smell ruinous!

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: I noticed that, too.

BLAIR: You smell like a moldy old rug… and… rotten boards… and

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: -stale jars of jam, I know. Just help me along. You're used to such nasty smells, aren't you?

BLAIR: That's not a broomstick, what is that?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: No, I'm pretty sure it's sassafras.

BLAIR: (amused) Oh, for those diseases…

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: What?

BLAIR: Some witch you are.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: I was one once, until I got involved with-

BLAIR: Excuse ME?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Never mind… what took you so long?

BLAIR: You didn't make it easy… sister.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (amused) Oh, am I your sister now? How reassuring.

BLAIR: So near the sea, who did you want, Davy Jones?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (croaking chuckles) Oh, Nicholas, you haven't gotten square with the times!

BLAIR: Oh, hush. Musical icons come and they go. Demons are eternal.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: So, did you get a nice place?

BLAIR: I got a room at the Collinsport Inn.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: WH-AT?

BLAIR: O-What did you expect? They threw me out. . . I know, I don't get it either.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: But, that family is so… so… paranoid.

BLAIR: Apparently not anymore. And what did you think? Really? Just- oh hold on, I'm sick of this.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: What?

BLAIR: Just take this!

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Oh, thanks. Better your cane than that silly stick.

BLAIR: (laughing)

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: What is it?

BLAIR: You came out here to destroy a man with a cane and now you need to walk with one.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Oh, twist the knife, why don't you?!

BLAIR: Honestly, woman. We do have affection for animal lust in the Kingdom of Hell, but really, that is ALL you want and only from one person. You said you wanted to destroy him and I know for certain that you don't! All you want is SEX from that man! You don't care about anything else. Even in Hell we have standards, Angelique, and you're not even living up to those.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: I know, I know. I'm doing my best.

BLAIR: I knew it wasn't going to work out. I knew it from the 18th century.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (grumbling) You self righteous bastard! What did you have to go on?

BLAIR: (pause) Your name.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (sighing) How did they even pick you, anyway?

BLAIR: I was at the top of the list. See, we're almost there.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Good… In this weakened state, is there even anything we can do for amusement?

BLAIR: (snorts) We can play Bloody Mary.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (shuffled pause) Play Bloody Mary… Won't that piss her off?

BLAIR: (opens door) Exactly… you can go first.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (limping forward and chuckling) You're such an ass, Nicholas.

NICHOLAS: (low laughter) Almost, my sweet, but they picked me out of Pleasure Island in time.

…

HECUBUS: (sighs) Aw…

MILLIGAN: ( maudlin) Yes… so evil… (Recomposes himself) Well, now we head back to Carolyn and Tony Peterson exiting the Evan's Cottage.

[door shutting, crickets in the distance]

TONY: Well that was NOT just plain bizarre.

CAROLYN: Nope, that was definitely above the average bizarre. So whad'ya think?

TONY: Hmm?

CAROLYN: We could go and see a movie.

TONY: (incredulous) After all that? You want to go see a movie?

CAROLYN: Not specifically.

TONY: Ok-a-y, not a specific movie, then what specifically?

CAROLYN: How about Drive-In-The-Woods?

TONY: Drive-In-The-Woods? Isn't that rather a wayward option?

CAROLYN: Well, that's the story, but the thing is Sheriff Patterson didn't mind its being built the better to leave deputies around the woods of it and pick up the un-desirables.

TONY: Really? So what would you call it beyond them meeting a quota?

CAROLYN: A new-fashioned make-out point.

TONY: (intrigued) Oh? Really?

CAROLYN: Of course, if this was a date, I'm still looking for the date part. Besides, I'm so (flustered) over-excited… I feel like I… want…

TONY: To throw yourself into something? Me too… still, I'm not sure… about…

CAROLYN: Though we'll likely have to pick a 2nd feature. It's almost 10 O'Clock.

TONY: (light sniff) Heh… well… What the hell?

….

MILLIGAN: And while this romantic liaison continues, we lead you to some late arrivals at the Old House. A kindly servant has assisted both his employer and a fair damsel from a bit too much at The Blue Whale.

…

WADSWORTH: Have a seat here, whoop, right there sir, and madam-

MAGGIE: (tired out) I'm all right, I think. Thank you, Wadsworth.

WADSWORTH: I shall return shortly with the tonic.

BARNABAS: (groggy) He brews the best of everything.

MAGGIE: I hope so. (tired laugh) I don't plan to reprimand Pop again. Never mix the grape with the grain.

BARNABAS: That barkeep stocks a strong port.

MAGGIE: As I've been discovering. Oof. I had my rum & cola already, I dunno why I tried that, too.

BARNABAS: Oh, dear, don't you go falling down looking after me, sit down here.

MAGGIE: Thanks, it's a bit snug, but I'll take it. (sighs) Well we're a sorry pair, aren't we?

BARNABAS: Oh, these things happen. Though, I must say I haven't experienced it in some time.

MAGGIE: (tiredly) Me neither. I think with the right atmosphere, the mild shore noise, and the right company; it does invite the spirits to flow.

BARNABAS: (tired sniggling) Flowing spirits… I see more than one way of looking at that observation.

MAGGIE: (also tired) Oh? Well, (deep breath) just settle in. And you tell me all about it, eh?

BARNABAS: Perhaps I'll try and… (yawns)… perhaps I shall get it right… this time.

…

MILLIGAN: And so we depart our couple of re-acquaintance to eventually nod off on a love seat before the fire. We leave you to speculate this as we return to our other couple who are approaching the local, yet woodsy, Drive-In movie theater.

[motor hums and calms]

CAROLYN: What the heck? Where's the ticket booth usher?

TONY: Maybe they don't bother with admission this late? Hmm, just a sec…

[shift of vinyl & squeaking noises]

CAROLYN: Hmm? What are you grabbing? Oh… do you always keep those under the seat?

TONY: Nah, it was an appreciative client. I almost forgot about it. (reaching out car window, aluminum can noise hitting a countertop)

TONY: This will do.

CAROLYN: (surprise) What? You're leaving him a **Pabst?**

TONY: Why not? Ticket booth operators have needs.

[motor revs forward]

CAROLYN: Oh, try that one, to the right.

TONY: What do you think it is?

CAROLYN: Looks like a film of music concert …

TONY: Oh, hey, is that Mama Cass?

CAROLYN: You know her?

TONY: Well not personally.

CAROLYN: (recognizing) Oh, I think I've heard of this one.

TONY: Just music?

CAROLYN: More or less.

TONY: Perfect or no?

CAROLYN: Yes, go ahead and park- well, dodge the beer bottles over there.

TONY: Got it… what a scene. Flip on the station.

[motor hums, rolls and eventually turns off. Last bits of The Mamas & The Papas "Creeque Alley" is heard on the radio…motor shuts off, squeak of vinyl seat, window rolling]

TONY: What are you-?

CAROLYN: Rolling down the window, just a crack.

TONY: (sportive) Why?

[airplane landing noise, and guitar strumming]

CAROLYN: (also sportive) Why do you think?

[squeak of upholstery, not so subtle make-out noises while "California Dreaming" ensues…]

HECUBUS: (surprised) Oh, master, what is more audacious?

MILLIGAN: (as though shaking head) As of now I… just don't know…

HECUBUS: Can we leave them… alone?

MILLIGAN: No.. I think we need to…

HECUBUS: (cheerfully) Watch over them, Master?

MILLIGAN: (also cheerful) Well, don't let them know it, my minion! Besides, this is a good movie. Six more songs and we get to see Eric Burdon & The Animals perform "Paint It Black".

HECUBUS: I'll bet you an Obol those two come up for air before that song.

MILLIGAN: An Obol? A genuine Charon Obol? (pause) You're on!

[last chorus of "California Dreaming" continues as ending credits theme]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Addam's Family (1960's TV Show)

Marcel Proust

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

Monterey Pop (1960's film) & musicians therein

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

[apologies to anyone who really loves russet potatos]


	9. Episode 9: The Wisdom of Mayhem

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 9: "The Wisdom of Mayhem"

[Moonlight Sonata music box version playing, chair swivels, hoots and hollers]

HECUBUS: Good Evening! And Welcome to the Darkness Pit. I am your host, Sir Hecubus!

[woos and hollers]

HECUBUS: Like the new music? I lightened it up some… I thought it was too gloomy. Oh! Tonight we're having an employee/employer exchange. So I will be your host as well. (shuffles around desk) as we look at the unconscious and the hidden truths that lie… hidden… in the Collinsport Soul.

MILLIGAN: C'mon! Move it along. It's all about pace! The people are getting bored!

HECUBUS: I don't think so. I think I'm doing fine. Don't you think?

[rapturous applause]

MILLIGAN: (disgruntled) Traitors.

HECUBUS: (quiet excitement) Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down _lower_. Okay, Okay. (regular volume)Now, I would like to introduce to you one who could be the spawn of Satan himself.

MILLIGAN: Hurry up! My knees are going!

HECUBUS: One who has walked upon the path of evil many times.

MILLIGAN: Hurry! My knees, my back! My _a-r-c-h-e-s_!

HECUBUS: One, who in fact, enjoys a brisk evening's walk across-

MILLIGAN: That's it! I'm coming up!

HECUBUS: Manservant… Master!

[woots and hollers]

MILLIGAN: Thank you… I suppose we all know why this exchanged has happened.

HECUBUS: Nooo, Manservant Master… perhaps you could explain.

MILLIGAN: Well… no matter. Why leak all the details? Like I said; it's all about pace.

HECUBUS: All right. I will now put you in a trance, Master.

MILLIGAN: Oh, very good. The Sleep of Ages. I wrote this one. Okay, Rookie, while attempting the sleep of ages you must separate your fingers like this, thus preventing injury.

HECUBUS: Oh, that's okay. I've got my own way.

MILLIGAN: Oh, really? _This_ I've got to see.

HECUBUS: A mighty dose of barkeep Robert Punctilious Andrews' port from the Blue Whale. Here you are, all in one, Master.

MILLIGAN: Oh, HADES! Punchy's Port. I'm so hosed! *GULP* Ha, I don't feel a thing. Now that you're hosting you are _ruining_ the show!

HECUBUS: Now, Master, tell me… do you_ like_ Angelique Bouchard?

MILLIGAN: No. (groggy) I do not LIKE Angelique Bouchard. That wouldn't work with the story.

HECUBUS: Then let me rephrase the question.

MILLIGAN: OH! You BASTARD!

HECUBUS: Do you lust after Angelique Bouchard?

MILLIGAN: (trying to hold it in and then letting go) OH YES! OH GOD, YES! Evil, evil!

HECUBUS: Now… Master, go into the darkest recesses of your soul, and reveal to us-

MILLIGAN: Oh, god, no!

HECUBUS: What is going on in Collinsport during this episode?

MILLIGAN: (deep relief) Phew! Oh, lor! Well… That's a good question! And so, we know that Nicholas and Angelique have taken a room at the Collinsport Inn, WE KNOW, that Maggie & Barnabas have nodded off at the Old House in a drunken stupor. WE KNOW that Willie Loomis is busy with the calligraphic arts, and our Bradford couple is staying in relative contentment with the Addams Family. We know that David is still working on a lesser known song to retrieve his old playmate Sarah. AND we know, that Elizabeth Stoddard has been driven out to meet the village gossip, among other attributes, in town.

[Dark Shadows Theme Music]

HECUBUS: And now we take you to Elizabeth Stoddard arriving at the home of… guess who-o-o?

[gentle knocking on door, door opens]

WOMAN'S VOICE: (gentle) Ohh, hello, Lizzie. I haven't seen you in some months. Decided to pay me a visit, finally?

ELIZABETH: Hello, Millie… or should I call you Mayhem these days?

MILDRED: (light chuckle) No… but I do deserve that nickname. I have the reputation for the best gossip, of course. And I don't charge five bucks for it like Mr. Wells at the Inn.

ELIZABETH: Could we go for a walk?

[light ocean noise]

ELIZABETH: I must say, you've done a pretty good job keeping all the locals occupied.

MILDRED: I suppose. I don't know how that comes about exactly, but we'll have to manufacture something for me to say since you know we'll be seen out here. I'll have a scattered collection of Collinsport spectators over soon for any excuse to know why you came by.

ELIZABETH: I know. That's why I don't make the trip so often, Millie. (sighs) Well, what shall we go through first? The gossip part or the real reason I came?

MILDRED: Gossip first, like I always say. Keeps people happy. You know where Carolyn was last night?

ELIZABETH: Presumably out with that lawyer, likely got home later and in her own bed this early.

MILDRED: (bemused) No, Lizzie, she's not.

ELIZABETH: (suspicious) Ohhh, _whose_ bed is she in?

MILDRED: No bed, she's all right, fully clothed, on the couch, at the law office. They both are. Right up there in town.

ELIZABETH: (indignant) Oh, grand! I should go right over and-

MILDRED: (comforting) Lizzie, it's all right. They had some business to clear up with Sam. Then they were still excited and went to the Drive-In. They barely made it consciously back to his office and fell asleep pretty quick.

ELIZABETH: (incredulous) Are you telling me you know everything that went on?

MILDRED: Almost, Lizzie, almost. Drive-in's and couches are pretty much good for first base, _and_ a bit of second base, but that's about it. I've seen them together. They aren't desperate enough for all that at this point. This relationship of theirs is more exploratory, if you know what I mean. There's some savoring at each step. I'd be secretively proud if I were you, Lizzie.

ELIZABETH: Oh? Because_ I_ _couldn't_ wait, is that what you mean?

MILDRED: And now we get to the real reason… still. You were almost thirty when you had Carolyn. I wouldn't call that an early roll in the hay, Liz.

ELIZABETH: (darkly) I'm not talking about Carolyn, or Paul Stoddard.

MILDRED: (knowingly) Oh, the _other_ one… Liz, I'd _still_ give you way more credit. By that time you were about 24, but for heaven's sake, would you call _that_ just jumping in?

ELIZABETH: (sighs) Oh, Millie, it's hard to know which way the world is turning. These days with all the new-cobbled liberations and such, I only want to know that Carolyn is safe. But I have my own past to look at in comparison.

MILDRED: Then listen to yourself, Lizzie. Quiet down the memories and just listen… Now… look back to town and tell me what your deductions are about that situation.

ELIZABETH: (takes a deep breath and a pause) I see… (happy hum) Very cozy, somehow lopped up together on that bit of furniture. Sleeping, and cozy and not having gotten all that far with one another, but… certainly feeling like it.

MILDRED: Precisely, there's the smile I was looking for. See, let all that scandalous ideology go and what do you have to worry about? The truth… I sometimes wish the others in this town could do that, but I guess if they did I wouldn't be so amused horsing around with them.

ELIZABETH: (giggling)Yes, and you did always keep my secrets.

MILDRED: I had to, Elizabeth. No one would believe half of the things that really go on up at that estate for more than _four days_! They like to believe in all of it, but they don't keep to believing it.

ELIZABETH: Well, that's a relief to know… I often wonder if everything will turn out for the better… and (snidely) if it did… what _would_ this town have to talk about anyway?

MILDRED: (off handedly) Oh, let 'em all move to Waltons Mountain if they want a few thrills with gossip by that point. Where do you think Mr. Wells and I used to live?

ELIZABETH: (snickering) That would make sense… (attempts to recompose herself then speaks with hesitation) … Mildred, do you know if, well, where, who-

MILDRED: Easy for you to say.

ELIZABETH: (clears throat) Yes, it's, its Victoria Winters. She's been gone for some time now and I've been wondering where, and I've been wondering if she has always been who I suspected her to be.

MILDRED: (reassuring) I think she is. I think she's yours…

ELIZABETH: And you never spilled the beans to anyone?

MILDRED: No. When was there time? People were too caught up with all the stuff going on with Devlin and Malloy and Calder and McGuire and Loomis, and whoever else! Besides, some people never saw you and decided you were deceased, practically. I know you didn't relish your male companionship decisions, but you didn't have to lock yourself in so much.

ELIZABETH: Thanks, I suppose… But, Mildred, there was one I did admire. And I believe that if I can lay any claim to Victoria, I should find him. That's why I'm really here.

MILDRED: (surprise) Ohh, that's it. I see… Wow, you still surprise me. I had my suspicions about that trip you took up there, and still have my suspicions about Miss Winters and you, but I often reflected that must have been a one night stand.

ELIZABETH: No, Millie, no. He wanted to marry me, and at times I wish so much that it had worked out that way. But it's hard to wish that when one has another child to care for as well.

MILDRED: Well, thanks to that nasty McGuire character, you've got your divorce from Paul, so your way is clear. The fellow you're looking for may not be as clear, but you never know until you ask. I suppose you parted company before getting much farther and lost touch.

ELIZABETH: Almost. He helped me through a great deal. I was up there for a year. I was sure if I only put forward the courage to ask my father about it, the answer would come, but I never could.

MILDRED: I know. He died not long after you got home again. Rotten luck, if you ask me. But, Lizzie, what about the cousin that went up there with you? Why don't you ask her? I'd wager if the two of you wrack your brains you'll come up with something tangible.

ELIZABETH: (befuddled) Lily? It's been _ages_ since I've seen her either. She even visited me after she had her own little bundle of joy and I was too caught up in my own affairs to give her much attention. I'm sure she's happy to have seen the last of me.

MILDRED: That's not the Lily I remember, Liz. You came to me for advice and I'm giving it to you. Get in touch with Lily. She's too happy herself most of the time not to want to share it. And she's zany enough to get you to laugh.

ELIZABETH: (laughs) All right, I'll think it over. So what are you going to tell the rest of your spontaneous callers today as to why I showed up?

MILDRED: Exactly what we have been discussing, Liz; about how more delivery men have to come up to the estate because they're all too chicken to deliver to both of the houses. And I swear, what is the point of that? I'm almost ready to start my own delivery racket and put those guys outta business. I've got more than herbs to sell, I tell you.

ELIZABETH: You do a marvelous trade already. Can I get some of your chamomile soap while I'm here, Millie?

MILDRED: I thought you'd never ask.

…

MILLIGAN: Hmm! That Mayhem is a wise one, for she has managed to hit upon the location of our not-so- steamy romantic duo.

HECUBUS: Master, what do you mean? They were steamy enough to fog up a second reel had there been one for them!

MILLIGAN: (annoyed) They came up for air _before_ "Paint It Black" and I subsequently lost the bet.

HECUBUS: Hee, hee, hee!

MILLIGAN: Enough of that! Not that it makes much difference. We all REALLY know who hosts this show…

[applause & hoots]

MILLIGAN: Oh, my, thank you! At last… We'll see where this awkward morning leads upon a law-office couch.

…

[shuffling noises, groggy waking mumbly-ness]

TONY: Well…

CAROLYN: Good morning…

TONY: I think you said that before we nodded off here.

CAROLYN: It's worth repeating.

[smooching sounds, etc]

TONY: Wow, usually a kiss puts one in a horizontal position, not a vertical one.

CAROLYN: There's a first time for everything. As for that… where's the candy dish?

TONY: Huh?

CAROLYN: It's an office, right? Didn't you have peppermints in a jar?

TONY: Oh (getting up) yeah, here. (glass tinkling)

CAROLYN: Thanks. (click of peppermint to teeth) I hope you weren't disappointed.

TONY: By what?

CAROLYN: (coy) Well, we only… you know.

TONY: Wow. I thought you were going to make some off-hand remark about make-up free mornings.

CAROLYN: (laughing) Ha. No, no, no. Though I'll have to wonder if I wiped all the mascara off before I passed out.

TONY: Only here (kiss like click sound)

CAROLYN: Wah! (laughs) Just _lick_ my eye, why don't you.

TONY: (sportive) If that's what you want.

CAROLYN: Far out! I can see it'll be hard to disappoint you at all.

TONY: Just sitting here with you is happening enough for me.

CAROLYN: I feel the same way about you. I had half an inkling this was going to be awkward, but it isn't.

HECUBUS: Hee, hee, hee, hee… not awkward, Master.

MILLIGAN: **Shut UP**, Hecubus!

CAROLYN: I don't even feel like sneaking out of the building. I feel like getting right up (steps) opening this window (metal blinds flit & bend) _and_… Uh, daa-a-amn! (Ruffles back to couch and Tony)

TONY: Gah- what was that for?

CAROLYN: Mother's out there!

TONY: What? (steps, flit of blinds) Oh, she's not even close… if that's even… her. How can you tell?

CAROLYN: (smothered under coat) Her big chestnut bouffant!

TONY: I wouldn't call that a bouffant. Come **on** (steps and sits) you want I should hide you behind the file cabinet?

CAROLYN: (slowly begins to chuckle) Yeh, I suppose she's out for some other reason… I hope.

TONY: Looked like she was over at old Mayhem's house. Perhaps she was getting an update on all the gossip.

CAROLYN: Gossip? Probably wondering where I was.

TONY: Maybe she was just getting some tea.

CAROLYN: Not likely. Say, what time is it?

TONY: Almost 9. Can I buy you a shower?

CAROLYN: No. Even if there was a shower around here what would I do? Get all clean and put on the same used clothing?

TONY: I could take you home to freshen up.

CAROLYN: No way. I want to get a move on and get that painting back to Gull Cottage. Glistening passion and all.

TONY: Me too. Wish breakfast wasn't so hard to procure without an overwhelming surge of raised eye-brows. Not that there is much to raise them _about_, but still, people just assume.

CAROLYN: Ah, well, there's enough to raise my eyebrows about. I'm going to peek through that window again. (steps)

TONY: (jovially) Oh? Before you were going to open it up and profess something.

CAROLYN: (flitting through blinds) Ahh… looks like she's leaving… Hmm? Profess? (steps back) Oh, I was going to yell out the window that I _slept _with you and nothing else. (slumps to couch again)

TONY: (Smiling) Eh, it still wouldn't get taken that way.

CAROLYN: I know. Darn euphemisms.

…

HECUBUS: I dunno, Master. That seemed like a swift non-morning-after-morning.

MILLIGAN: Humph (groaning) _someone's_ going to get awkward on this damn program.

HECUBUS: What about Maggie Evans and Barnabas Collins?

MILLIGAN: (brightening) Oh, hey, yeah! Let's take a peep at the Old House and see how _that_ drunken stumbling turned out!

…

[light snoring]

MAGGIE: (gulping) Where the heck? (resignedly) Oh, good gracious-

BARNABAS: Oh, Miss Evans, I, what, happened?

MAGGIE: (sighs) Well, looks like we both passed out while the blaze turned into… embers.

BARNABAS: And then… ashes.

MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm… observant. Looks like someone threw us a blanket at least.

BARNABAS: Hullo… what's this? (paper rustling lightly, reading) "Sir, Stood at attention for half an hour and then adjourned to slumber. Left choice of Bloody Mary carafe, or Aftereffects Preventative on ice under the cover of the bucket with two glasses upside-down to stay chilled. No funny business. Your affectionate steward, Wadsworth."

MAGGIE: No funny business? Well… does that mean he didn't see any or was he warning us… _not_ to?

BARNABAS: A bit of both I imagine.

MAGGIE: Hmm… this is… awkward…

MILLIGAN: Ha-ha! At last!

HECUBUS: Master, shh!

MILLIGAN: Sorry.

MAGGIE: Barnabas, why do you have a stuffed _bird_ on your curtain rod?

BARNABAS: Bird? I have no bird on the curtain rod… oh… except that one.

MAGGIE: I didn't think you were much for taxidermy.

BARNABAS: I wasn't. Not that I can recall.

[clicking noise]

MAGGIE: eep! All right, that isn't stuffed.

[blanket drops as the two rise]

MAGGIE: (shudders)

BARNABAS: Oh, here (rises and shuffles) take my Inverness.

MAGGIE: Thanks, but I thought it was an Ulster coat.

BARNABAS: Oh, well, whichever. As long as it helps.

MAGGIE: What's it doing here?

BARNABAS: I hardly know. I'm not sure when I've seen a bird like that before.

MAGGIE: Oh, it's got to be common enough. I'll admit it's terribly large. Likely part of the corvidae family.

BARNABAS: How do you know that?

MAGGIE: Oh, my family and I went bird watching plenty of times. Plus there's always been decent camping in the area. Anyway, we could check the encyclopedia.

BARNABAS: The what?

MAGGIE: The encyclopedia, Barnabas. Don't you have a set?

BARNABAS: Well, I must, but I admit it hasn't come up since we started renovating the house. I haven't reached all the items in every single room.

MAGGIE: But I know there IS one here. I'm certain.

BARNABAS: Maggie? How do you _know_?

MAGGIE: Well, I just know.

BARNABAS: I- I'd like to believe you but you must confess just _knowing_ isn't exactly convincing.

[flapping noises]

BARNABAS: Where is it going?

MAGGIE: (excited) Up the stairs.

BARNABAS: Where are _you_ going?

MAGGIE: I'm going up. I know it's up there.

BARNABAS: The bird?

[shuffling up the steps]

MAGGIE: Well, yes, but the books are up there.

BARNABAS: Not so fast. I am only as young as I used to be.

HECUBUS: (confused) Master… he's only as _young_ as he used to be?

MILLIGAN: Well, he has been a vampire for some time, of course! He _should_ be as young as he used to be… even now in his semi-altered state.

BARNABAS: (covering alarm) Wait, don't go in there.

MAGGIE: Why not?

BARNABAS: That's… That's Josette's room.

MAGGIE: I know it.

BARNABAS: And… it doesn't… frighten you?

MAGGIE: No, why should it? Really, _Mr._ Collins, you and David have _far_ more in common than I thought.

BARNABAS: We _are_ related.

MAGGIE: A strong resemblance. (opens door) Uh…

BARNABAS: Maggie, are you all right?

MAGGIE: (spacey)This room hasn't changed… but… it has.

[bird flaps in]

BARNABAS: (mild growl) If he makes a mess in this room I'm getting my cane.

MAGGIE: I'd predict the drapes downstairs might already _have_ a mess… its' in here.

BARNABAS: I'll draw the curtains. [draws curtains] What are you doing down there?

MAGGIE: It's here! Under the bed- wait, what, ah!

BARNABAS: (alarmed) Maggie, what is it?

MAGGIE: The chamber pot, I had to move it. There's a dead _rat_ in there.

BARNABAS: Ooo, yes… rather fresh, put that aside.

MAGGIE: This, this crate. This _is it_.

WADSWORTH: Sir?

BARNABAS & MAGGIE: (startled) Ah!

WADSWORTH: Oh, do forgive me. Hello, Miss Evans, good to see you feeling better. Is there any assistance I might give?

MAGGIE: Oh, I'm sorry if we woke you. We're trying to get this crate out and-

WADSWORTH: Ah, allow me (grunts) Erm… if sir will assist?

BARNABAS: Of course.

[heavy sliding noise]

WADSWORTH: Well, I presume I should get some tools to help open this. Excuse me. (steps)

BARNABAS: Maggie, why were you so eager to find this?

MAGGIE: Because I knew it was here. I know the books are in here.

BARNABAS: Do you know whose crate this was?

MAGGIE: No, but I'm guessing you're going to tell me.

BARNABAS: This is one of a few crates that… the inhabitant of this room… didn't open. She'd planned to upon her marriage. She never did.

MAGGIE: You've never opened it?

BARNABAS: No, I considered it too sacred. Besides, how could you possibly know what's in here?

MAGGIE: I don't know everything that's in here, but I'm sure the encyclopedia are.

[sounds of clanking metal]

WADSWORTH: Pardon me, sir. Shouldn't be too long. I would expect that the nails have long rusted. (creak of nailed box opening) One may wish to avert one's eyes. There may be a host of _insects_ herein.

BARNABAS: Admittedly, from the chew marks on the edges, I see that the possums have laid their claim.

[creaks and scuffing pops]

MAGGIE: At last! Now, lets, ooof! Now I know why the Hoover vacuum is so popular. (sneezes)

WADSWORTH: Just as long as it's not **J. Edgar…**

MAGGIE: Hmm?

WADSWORTH: No matter, madam.

MAGGIE: Look at _this_. (cloth ruffling) There's all _kinds_ of items. We'll have to transfer it all to a trunk.

BARNABAS: With a sturdy key. Oh, is this…?

MAGGIE: YES! Three volumes. Encyclopedia Britannica.

BARNABAS: (slowly) Surprising that it isn't the French _Encyclopédie._

MAGGIE: (slightly affronted) Of course not. The Denis Diderot editions were at least 17 volumes. I wasn't going to have that set lugged through the Dominica Channel and up The Gulf Stream.

BARNABAS: What… do… you mean, _you_ weren't?

MAGGIE: Did I say that? I meant her, I mean… well…

BARNABAS: (curious suspicion) This box hasn't been opened since it was sealed over an hundred years ago. And you knew at least some of what was in it.

MAGGIE: I think… I think it's time for one of those hang-over cures… now.

WADSWORTH: Very good, Miss Evans.

…

HECUBUS: Meanwhile at a Collinsport Inn suite, or the equivalent of what they have in that hotel.

[Other-worldly noises in the background that may be expected when a demonic witch and warlock are staying in a Hotel. This signifies that the darker regions of the Underworld aren't exactly pleased with either of them, but are keeping them company anyway.]

BLAIR: So, Angel-cake… feeling any better?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (wiped out) No… I've already been over-aged to the point of absurdity. And your dodging out of the way last night didn't help.

BLAIR: (giggling) Well, I wasn't going to have this moustache clipped for anything.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (aggravated) I told you playing Bloody Mary was going to piss her off. Doesn't help she managed to hit me up and now I'm even _more_ of a mess.

BLAIR: (annoyingly chipper) I could order a round of Bloody Mary drinks. A little hair of the ghost, _eh?_

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (snorts) I'll likely regret it, but you might as well.

BLAIR: I'll go down and get it. Don't want some green bell-boy type to come up and take a glimpse of you as you are.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Thanks a-lot…

[door closes, brooding noises fade to more singular moans, odd banshee hums]

MALE VOICE: Mmm- hmm… hello Angelique…

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (groaning) Oh, now what, come to finish the job, Mary?

MALE VOICE: Do I sound like a queen to you?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: I hardly know anymore. Who are you?

MALE VOICE: A list of your victims longer than Jack The Ripper's and you have to… well, with a list that long, I guess you'd need to ask. If you needed to become a Collins so bad, you might have inculcated me… but no. You lazily induced me with the grief of betraying my own nephew and his betrothed. Sloppy work, madam.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Oh, no…

MALE VOICE: Oh yes.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Jeremiah? Jeremiah Collins? Haven't you haunted me enough?

JEREMIAH: I could ask the same of you. Such a string of bewitching _and_ deaths _and_ evil spells… all over one man? You have more than a lot of nerve; _you've got enough brass to supply the entire Renaissance_. Here you are still haunting and grieving my family. If it wasn't for you I might have had a happy life with…

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Oh, yes, _that _one. Joshua Collins would have_ loved_ that.

JEREMIAH: I've seen the possibility of that plight, Angelique. Phyllis and I could have been happy. Such things were possible in a newly developing nation. May have worked out even better than my first wife.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (irritated) So what do you want me to do about it?

JEREMIAH: Ask yourself this. What if another man had wanted you? Really wanted you? Servant and all?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (incredulous) Servant and all? That would have been some odd paperwork.

JEREMIAH: Women were still practically chattel back then, the disturbance was minimal. Besides, you got away with something similar… didn't you? Now, what if?

[funeral bells begin to toll in the distance]

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Well, I'd have to think about that.

JEREMIAH: (kindly) Come with me, Angelique. You are tired as it is. Come and think about it.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: I'll be back, won't I?

JEREMIAH: I'm afraid so. Nicholas Blair isn't done with you yet.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Damn.

[wispy fog noises, funeral bells tolling fade out, door opens and footsteps enter, annoying hellacious groans and such fade back in with Nicholas Blair's presence]

BLAIR: Well, my dear. They didn't scrimp on the celery, just as you like it…. Angelique? Angelique? (slapping cheek in rapid succession and sighing) Aw… Ukobach, and Belzebuth… she's dead. Again… How… _inconvenient_…

…

HECUBUS: Sometime later in the drawing room of Collinwood, young David is having his try at the piano.

[dabbling of song Hot Cross Buns]

DAVID: Hmm… this song is almost as bad as London Bridges. It's only a notch above Ring-Around-The-Roses… but that's because I haven't heard it as much as the other two.

ELIZABETH: Well, it has only a few notes in its entirety. Here, let me give it a try. Just the right hand, very simply. (plays hot cross buns)

DAVID: You make it look so easy.

ELIZABETH: Well, I've been playing a while, young man. Tell me, why are you trying this one?

DAVID: I'm just trying to learn how to sing it. Pretty sure I know how to now. Besides, I'm hungry.

ELIZABETH: Well, I heard you testing this out yesterday, so I asked Mrs. Johnson to bake some. How about you see if the biscuits are better than the song?

DAVID: Really?

ELIZABETH: Sure, go on, now… I've got to use the telephone.

DAVID: (runs out)

[telephone gets picked up]

ELIZABETH: Yes, operator? I need to get into touch with someone long distance. Yes, I'll hold… All right, lets see. Pretty sure this is a town in California… I'm sorry, it's been a long time. Mockingbird Heights. I believe the family name is Muenster… yes, like the cheese.

HECUBUS: Ah, and now we lead you to said household, where a good stew pot is bubbling happily.

[phone rings, trotting to telephone]

LILY: Hello?

ELIZABETH: Hello! Is that you, Lily?

LILY: (excited) Oh… oh… oh. I know who this is, don't tell me!

ELIZABETH: (softly) Really, still sweet as ever…amazing…

LILY: I know! It's… it's Lizzie?

ELIZABETH: You really remember me?

LILY: Oh, of course I remember you! So winsome, sensuous and warm-hearted. _And_ I've been waiting for you to call.

ELIZABETH: You sound as though you were expecting it, Lily.

LILY: I certainly _have_ been! You know I told you we'd be seeing each other again. I wished it was sooner but those days do go by _so_ fast sometimes.

ELIZABETH: I know. I need… your help.

LILY: I thought so. There's someone you're looking for isn't there?

ELIZABETH: That's true. All the details have gotten so hazy and I think I need someone to consult them with. I'd like to ask if you'd be our guest here at Collinwood.

LILY: (delighted) You're inviting me? Oh! Well, I'd _love_ to come! I'll have to make some arrangements, of course, but I think it's high time you and I had a good outing again. If my calculations are accurate we'll be doing more than just chatting. I'd say this should lead to an extensive journey, and even further abroad than the last one.

ELIZABETH: (concerned) Are you _sure_ about that, Lily?

LILY: Yes, indeed. I think I've had my passport updated. How about you?

ELIZABETH: Passport? I doubt the one I have is current.

LILY: Then you ought to get to work on it while I'm on my way. And I'm going to get ready immediately, so try not to take your time about it.

ELIZABETH: (taken aback but steady) Oh, well, this is all so sudden… but… if you think it's best…I can manage… And Lily? I hope you can forgive me for not getting in touch sooner. It's been rather hard here for some time.

LILY: Oh, no-no! I realize Collinwood is such a serious place and that would last a while, but it's starting to brighten up a bit, isn't it?

ELIZABETH: A bit, and that's something we knock-on-wood to around here.

LILY: Then, take care, my dear and don't forget about the passport. I'll ring off now.

ELIZABETH: See you soon.

[Receivers click down and door of coffin creaks shut]

LILY: Grandpa? Grandpa? (slightly irriated) Hmm, oh, **Dad**, where _are_ you?

GRANDPA: (creaking trap-door) Keep yer shroud on! Calling me, Lily? (stepping up)

LILY: Only for the umpteenth time. I just got off the phone with… guess who?

GRANDPA: Oh… Mina Harker?

LILY: No, no. It _is_ a relative, though.

GRANDPA: Garret & Myna in Death Valley?

LILY: No, and not Boris either.

GRANDPA: Uncle George? _Really_, Lily, you might as well just tell me. With all my wives we could be here 'til Eddie graduates high school.

LILY: (Happily) Lizzie.

GRANDPA: _Borden?_

LILY: Nooooo, we're not related to her… are we?

GRANDPA: Like I said…

LILY: Yes, so you did. Anyway, _that_ was Elizabeth Collins… well Stoddard, but you know who I mean.

GRANDPA: My, my… that does take me back. That elegant Maine estate. Did she, uh, say how Brutus or Constance were doin'?

LILY: No, that was _so_ long ago, even before _my_ time. I'm sure they aren't there anymore.

GRANDPA: Ah… what about Quentin?

LILY: Oh, Grandpa, I asked about him the last time I was there. He's long gone, too.

GRANDPA: Well, that _is_ a pity. He so often reminded me of your brother Lester, at least in looks. Quite a marked resemblance as I recall. Snarky little beast, that one.

LILY: You remember, Dad. It was before Eddie was born. I chaperoned her tour through The Maritimes.

GRANDPA: Oooh, yes, I** do** remember. I'm not sure chaperone is the best description for that trip. Wasn't little Carolyn, um… cobbled together around that time?

LILY: Noooo, no, she was not. I can promise you that.

GRANDPA: I was sure that some bitty dame was constructed around that time. Dear, it's already happening. I'm getting old and forgetting people.

LILY: Oh, don't say that. Your not even 400 yet. Still in your prime.

GRANDPA: Thanks, Daughter. Now what did this Cousin Elizabeth want?

LILY: That's the thing. I've got to go and see her. There's some unfinished business. Ooo (excited) I've been looking forward to this for years. I knew our paths would cross again. I saw it in her _palm_.

GRANDPA: A voyage; all the way out there? Lily, _no one_ knows how to run this household as well as you do.

LILY: Well, that's just it. I've been thinking. What better opportunity for Marilyn than to leave her in charge?

GRANDPA: Marilyn? In charge? Here?

LILY: Of course. She's more than up to it now, I think.

GRANDPA: (some despair) Oh, mighty Brides. I leave thus all in your capable hands.

LILY: Dad, It's going to be fine! Now! I have to pack.

HECUBUS: And now we return you the Evans Cottage, preparing for the retrieval of the painting.

SAM: Well, old man, I suppose the kids will be here soon to transport the painting.

GREGG: Ah, it will be good to have it back safe and sound.

SAM: Daniel, will this be goodbye?

GREGG: Of course not, Andre. Like you said, I'm stuck. But I am not stuck to the painting. However, I'm sure there will be plenty to keep me busy. The man who owns Mrs. Muir's house is an awful handful. I daresay I will have to tighten the _bottlescrews_ at home.

SAM: Aye, I'm just a little worried to carry on. It's pretty amazing to know that much French so suddenly. I don't want to start believing this was all a dream.

GREGG: Ah, then here is a little reminder to make sure you don't lose your way.

[heavy object on table top]

SAM: Ha! Look at that… A compass, eh? Very handy and much appreciated… I guess you're finally teleporting things, Daniel? I knew you'd manage it someday.

GREGG: I thank you. You are a winsome soul, as Andre DuPres or Sam Evans.

SAM: We-l-l, I have my doubts. I must recall being rather blustery on one angle or drunk and disorderly on the other.

GREGG: They've said the same of me, my friend. I was never tied to an apron string. Nor put by the fireplace like a pet poodle. Still, of course, _many tried._

SAM: Well then, I guess we're square… (concerned) wait a minute… this compass is _broken_. (facetiously indignant) You're giving me a broken compass?

GREGG: Oh, not at all. Walk around the room and try it out.

SAM: (stepping about)… ah, I see, it only points to you.

GREGG: Yes. I am its due North. More to the point, you can summon me through it. Mrs. Muir tends to call out to the air which can be very embarrassing with people giving her queer looks all the time. Just tap it and think of me. Mind you, though. I mayn't always be available, and besides I'll be around anyway. Didn't that Proust of yours have five volumes?

SAM: Seven, Capitaine.

GREGG: Ah, ha, ha! Well, tell the nippers I'll meet them at _my_ house. Meanwhile, I think I'll be off to find you some help.

SAM: After all this, do you think we'll be _needing _more help?

GREGG: I hope not, but I fear that fragmented creature may still feel she has a bone to pick around here… Ah, dear. I guess I will have to make a lengthy trip… not that it overburdens me.

SAM: (with trepidation) Daniel, you don't mean more… craftiness?

GREGG: (enthusiastically) Of course, Andre. We must thrust blaze against blaze. (laughing) Looks like I'll be going from one Sam to another today.

SAM: Sam? I thought you said it was a she.

GREGG: Of course, Sam is often short for something. It may take some convincing… but then I hear she was made a monarch recently of her domain… or… was _going_ to be.

SAM: Hooo… sounds complicated. I thought you said she was a housewife.

GREGG: Oh, (chuckles) she sure tries to be. Renouncing ones powers is quite unmanageable, like trying to get toothpaste back into a collapsible tube… by hand. As it is, I find her much more approachable than most. Well, I'll be off.

SAM: Sail ho, Captain.

[harp ripple of Captain Gregg disappearing, car motor revs and halts, door opens]

SAM: (welcoming resignation) Come on in, you two… oh, hmm, I see… weren't you wearing that last…? Nevermind…

[steps in, door closes]

TONY: Ahem, good morning.

CAROLYN: Good morning, Mr. Evans. Isn't Maggie in?

SAM: Funny you should mention that. She never made an appearance last night. Though the Captain let me know she was fine and I'll take his word for it at this point. Not like I could do much if he _wasn't_ telling the truth. I expect she had an inkling a lot was going on and decided to stay out of the way. I take it neither of you have eaten, so I put together some English muffins, and such. Coffee freshly perked.

TONY: Oh, normally I wouldn't dare impose but, thank you!

CAROLYN: Yes! We're famished. (jovially) I promise we won't run away from the coffee _this_ time.

SAM: Ah-ha! Yes, well, I had a feeling. I was young once, myself. Sorry, but Captain Gregg skipped out a minute ago. Said he'd meet you at his house, whatever that means.

TONY: That's all right. I think we know.

SAM: So, what did you two get up to… in so many words? I was betting on the Blue Whale but Gregg said differently.

CAROLYN: Um… we went to… the pictures.

SAM: Ah, and how did that go?

TONY: No one took our admission, practically free.

CAROLYN: And then the view was a little distracting. The full moon was lovely setting behind the screen.

TONY: Then the fire engine that seemed to be occupied for well over half an hour off to the left. No fire, thankfully, but it was just parked, pretty easy to see its lights spinning behind all the trees out there.

CAROLYN: And then the occasional car door opening to put out a disembodied, empty beer bottle. Oh, and the girl who got out with one sneaker and a heeled dress shoe on.

SAM: I take it this _wasn't _the indoor cinema in town?

CAROLYN: Nope, it was the drive-in. (jovially) I remember that girl calling out, "See! I told you I had the wrong shoes on!" Not sure who she was talking to. Oh, and the train going by, too… Almost forgot about that.

SAM: (chuckling) Nice! Sounds like Drive-In-The-Woods is a happening spot! Well, whenever you're ready. The painting is all packed up and ready for its home.

TONY: Yes, I suppose we'd better head out. I'll have my enjoyment out of this to see Mrs. Muir's relief that we know what she knows.

CAROLYN: Me too. Thank you so much, Mr. Evans for the muffins and coffee, and for your understanding. I hope it all works out.

SAM: I guess we'll see. The Captain may be out fetching reinforcements in case there's more trouble.

TONY: Oh, goodness. He won't be bringing a legion of ghost pals, will he?

SAM: Not that I'm aware of. More like, well, a Ladies Auxiliary, so to speak.

TONY: Very good (ruffle of paper and cloth) I suppose we'll be on our way.

SAM: Thank you, for everything.

CAROLYN: You, too, Mr. Evans.

…

HECUBUS: And so our romantic duo pack up the painting and head back to Schooner Bay. Our last stop of the program brings us some time later at the Collinwood main house.

…

ROGER: Afternoon, Liz. Why, that's quite a warm smile you're greeting the fire with. Might I join you?

ELIZABETH: It's your home, too, Roger. I wouldn't mind the company.

ROGER: Thank you. (sits) Well, I hired a young man to fix up the Seaview property. Hopefully Kooky Caleb's ghost won't interfere with his ministrations, if there be a ghost.

ELIZABETH: Ah, who did you find?

ROGER: Tom Jennings, you know. He's been by the cannery a few times. I think his skills at refurbishing are much preferable. Anyway, is there a nice excuse for your contentment today?

ELIZABETH: Just reestablishing some fond memories between lots of odd baggage. It is a blessing to finally have enough peace and quiet around here that I can hear myself think again.

ROGER: (laid back) And a crackling fire. Soothing to me, even now, after all _my_ odd baggage when it comes to that.

ELIZABETH: (laughing hum) Roger, I've invited someone to come and stay a while. Possibly for company while I take a long trip.

ROGER: Oh? All this serenity and you want to leave? And with whom might I ask?

ELIZABETH: Do you remember Lily, Cousin Lily?

ROGER: Lily? _Barely._ She took care of you on that extended vacation, didn't she? Well, I can hardly lay much claim to that recollection. A sultry creature, if I have any memory of her at all.

ELIZABETH: We're trying to retrace our steps. I'm not exactly sure where it'll lead us, but I do need someone to help recall all the events.

ROGER: Ah! So that's the smile. Must have been a wonderful journey after all. I must say, you seemed so sad that it had ended.

ELIZABETH: I _was_ sad when I came home. It was rather life altering. (sighs) Anyway, if I know Lily, she'll be here faster than either of us can guess.

ROGER: Oh? How can you be so sure?

ELIZABETH: (happy hum) I think… it's well written here… along my life line.

[Munsters Theme by The Comateens, or your favourite version of it]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

And of course, Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

_The Pit Of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor Production._

* * *

><p>I know it's taking a long time. Please review if you're enjoying this. It'll help me work harder and go faster. It really will. Thanks everyone. :) Peace.<p> 


	10. Episode 10: The Kids Are Alright

Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 10: The Kids Are AlRight

_With fond remembrance of Conrad Bain (who played Mr. Wells)_

* * *

><p>[Pit of Ultimate Darkness theme]<p>

MILLIGAN: Hello. I am Sir Simon Milligan, and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate D-a-r-k-n-e-s-s… where's the reverb… I asked for reverb… [reverb shows] Not now, now now!, Nevermind, mind, mind… And now, we have some children in the audience…

[wolves yipping and howling]

MILLIGAN: Children of the night… HOWL IT UP! (dogs howling) for though our beauteous Angelique has died, she SHALL rise again!

HECUBUS: As what, Master?

MILLIGAN: That is yet to be seen! Now, my Impish Toady- we need a brief recap of the situation for our listeners.

HECUBUS: Ah- there is much ado as it seems both of the Evans clan are experiencing flashbacks to previous lives, though Sam has had the time and experience to digest them, Maggie has yet to resolve and decompress her information.

MILLIGAN: Yes, it seems since the two are related and live together they might consult each other or something.

HECUBUS: Oh no, Master, this must detestably stretch out, as in any other daytime drama…

MILLIGAN: (whispering happily) E-V-I-L!

HECUBUS: Tee, hee, hee… As we were, our twitter pated couplet Tony and Carolyn are driving back to Schooner Bay with the cleaned and refurbished portrait of Captain Daniel Gregg. Elizabeth Stoddard is surveying old diaries awaiting Cousin Lily, while Roger lapses back into his worry-free Dale Carnegie volume, secretly interposed by Barnabas Collins.

MILLGAN: Doesn't that guy still owe Sam Evans a cheque?

HECUBUS: Yes- Master! They have been a bit lax in determining that transaction. Also Willie Loomis is taking continued stabs with a metal nib pen they've surprisingly allowed into Wyndcliff Sanitarium.

[scratch, spittle, drip]

WILLIE: Arg! This is like nails on a blackboard… Another spraying splash on the page… Hhhhrrff! (gets up, paces a bit and sits) I _am_ going to get it right. I am going to learn this.

MILLIGAN: Good chap, Willie! You know we all love you so.

WILLIE: Huh? Who said that?

MILLIGAN: Shh! Nevermind…

HECUBUS: Oh, Master, can't we go to Wyndcliff and give him a big bear hug?

MILLIGAN: :Later-r-r, Later-r-r…

HECUBUS: Okay… so, we also have Nicholas Blair composing a sense of restraint in the abode of the Collinsport Inn with the corpse of Angelique.

MILLIGAN: Yes… even with the corpse of Angelique _I'd_ have to compose a sense of restraint…

HECUBUS: Master, that's not even evil… that's disgusting!

MILLIGAN: Oh stop being so modern! I meant a little kiss on the nose, you duffer!

HECUBUS: Ah! I see you're point, Master- but his restraint is due to having to confine himself to such smaller quarters than he expected to possess. It does make wicked spells harder to concoct.

MILLIGAN: (sarcastically) Oh, boo-hoo! Let him try hosting a radio show in a basement and get back to us!

HECUBUS: Hee-hee-hee!

[Dark Shadows Theme Opening]

HECUBUS: We now return to David joining Mrs. Johnson in the kitchen as she whips up a batch of hot cross buns.

DAVID: Mrs. Johnson?

JOHNSON: Oh, hello, David. How are you today?

DAVID: I'm alright. Are you making hot cross buns?

JOHNSON: Yes, they are just about done. And believe me it's taken some time to set them. They are not the easiest muffins to bake in the world.

DAVID: Harder than learning the song?

JOHNSON: The song?

DAVID: Yes. Aunt Elizabeth has been helping me out with that. How many have you made?

JOHNSON: Oh, well, I still have to bake a few, but when they're done, it should be over three dozen.

DAVID: Great! I can't wait to taste them.

JOHNSON: Good. David, do you think you could deliver a few to the Old House? I want to have something they can enjoy over there- and this is such an old recipe, I think they might make some good use of them. If it wasn't for Wadsworth I don't know if I'd have the ingredients on hand as it is.

DAVID: Really? I was thinking of doing that anyway.

JOHNSON: Oh?

DAVID: Yes, I wanted to have something to share. You know, I have so little to offer most of the time.

JOHNSON: Oh, Master David, I'd say your company works for most of us. Watching somebody grow is helpful to some of us who only having getting _old_ to look forward to. (under breath) And I _certainly_ don't want to see _my_ son… a poor man's Willie Loomis…*

[sliding of baking sheet and setting it down]

DAVID: Mrs. Johnson, is it me, or have things actually been normal around here?

JOHNSON: Ho! Ah, I wouldn't say normal. Plenty of quirks and gloomy weather. Perhaps you mean there hasn't been an endless panic with us all biting our nails so often.

DAVID: That is what I mean. I used to be scared all the time. Now I'm just scared… sometimes.

JOHNSON: Really? And what do you think about that?

DAVID: Well, I don't like being scared… but I do like it not happening so much.

JOHNSON: Me too. You know, David, I think that's the item of interest to the folk in town. They have no idea their day-to-day is what we want, while they look at us and want this house's money and drama. (grousing) It ain't worth it.

DAVID: (contemplative) I've heard that… that people always want what they don't have.

JOHNSON: Yes, Master David, but as you said, it's nice not to be scared so much, isn't it? We've had that recently, and we want to keep on having it, don't we?

DAVID: … yes. I like some adventure, but the… tone… is better now, I think.

JOHNSON: So do I. Now, let me see if I have the right wrappings for this and you can be on your way.

HECUBUS: NOW we continue the bafflement at The Old House with Maggie, Barnabas and a round of hang-over cures.

MILLIGAN: Excellent! I hope this is as awkward as the last encounter!

[ice shuffling]

MAGGIE: Call me crazy but I'm going with the Bloody Mary.

BARNABAS: And I shall drink the Preventative Cure.

[liquid pouring]

WADSWORTH: There you are Sir and Madam. Would you like me to leave you alone?

BARNABAS: (sighs) Wadsworth, I think we'll need your providence in this concern and… say, (sips) Wadsworth… do you have a first name?

WADSWORTH: Well…

MAGGIE: (sipping) Oh, that really isn't important right now… what is… is… (open throat sigh) How did I know about that box? How did I know about…

[flapping wings]

BARNABAS: Maggie! That bird just came right to you.

MAGGIE: Yes… and… I don't seem to mind. (happily) Hello.

[subtle raven noises]

WADSWORTH: It is odd to see a strange bird allowed to be stroked so expeditiously.

BARNABAS: Yes… it acts as though it knows you, Maggie.

MAGGIE: I seem to know him. It appears to be very comfortable at the arm of this little couch. It's rather hypnotic… it's so large. And we never did find out what kind of bird you were, but I've got my thoughts.

BARNABAS: Yes, I have found the entry of different birds. Corvus Corax, or Common Raven.

MAGGIE: Really? Let me see (shifts) Oh, my… (turning page)

BARNABAS: Yes, the books are in fabulous condition for their years.

MAGGIE: They are, but I was trying to discern the text… ohh… or should I say dif-f-cern the text?

BARNABAS: What?

MAGGIE: (resignedly) Oh, the strength is with you on this one. I can't read it when all the S's look like F's. Still, that doesn't explain anything.

[further raven speak]

MAGGIE: Except you, of course, my dear bird.

[flaps off]

BARNABAS: Back up the stairs? Wadsworth can you follow him and make sure he behaves?

WADSWORTH: Very good, sir. (strides up the stairs)

MAGGIE: (sips) I think my head is starting to clear… and you know he makes a good Bloody Mary. Must've driven far for the ice.

BARNABAS: He might have gotten the entire load of things in town. I hardly know what his working conditions are exactly. That kitchen was rather dismal the last time I made a thorough search of it.

MAGGIE: (happy hum) That was a bold move for you putting out an advertisement. Could've turned out like… like…

BARNABAS: Do you mean like… Willie?

MAGGIE: Yes… I hope it's not a horrible topic.

BARNABAS: I was going to say the same thing.

MAGGIE: (slowly) No… ever since I found those earrings… something changed. There was a familiarity that put me into a trance-like state. I found myself thinking about things that hadn't crossed my mind since I was small, very small; the kind of memories that only stick because I repeated the stories about them enough times. Do you know what I mean?

BARNABAS: I believe I do. What else changed?

MAGGIE: Well, I did get somewhat more headstrong, then I'd start to recollect bits and fragments but it wouldn't lead to anything I could put my finger on. Like… a flash in the pan… Wait, do you know that phrase?

BARNABAS: Oh! In point of fact I am quite familiar with that one.

MAGGIE: Ah, good… as I was saying—

[knock sounds at the door]

BARNABAS: (agitated) Erm… what poor timing. (steps, opens door)

JOURNALIST: (jubilant) Good morning, Mr. Collins!

BARNABAS: I _dare _say it _could_ be a good morning.

JOURNALIST: (slightly abashed but continues with cheer) Oh, I'll try not to keep you. I'm with Better Homes & Gardens and we were wondering if we could take another issue out on your renovations.

BARNABAS: No.

JOURNALIST: (befuddled) Oh, well… erm—our issue with your home sold so delightfully… We'd be willing to share a higher percentage of any profits with you. Our advertisers are happy to back it. In fact, they're the ones making such a strong suggestion to do so.

BARNABAS: This is not, in any manner, fashion, or _mir_age, a convenient moment.

JOURNALIST: Oh… I apologize for that, but I had to call in person… as you… have no telephone.

BARNABAS: And did it ever occur to you that there might be a reason for that?

JOURNALIST: (nervously) Ecc-en-tric-ity?

BARNABAS: Bless us! Does no one write letters anymore?

JOURNALIST: Oh! Whoops! Say, don't you ever get tired of seeing that repetitive address on your envelopes? You know, Collins, Collinwood, Collinsport, Maine?

BARNABAS: (pointedly) That is the nice thing about the new zip codes. It's given me something else to contemplate while I look through whose _subscription_ I wish to cancel.

JOURNALIST: Oh… well… yes, um, we can definitely write you a letter with all the details to this offer.

BARNABAS: Do! Good day! (shuts door)

[tiny weeping gasps, hurried steps]

BARNABAS: Maggie? What is it? (sits) Oh, no, please do not weep so.

MAGGIE: (weeping gasps alter to a deep breath and hearty laughter) AHAHAA! Oh my … _goodness_! HA-hahahaha! That was fantastic! I wish I could take you home to answer _my_ door!

BARNABAS: Oh… well (trying not to laugh) Perhaps you've had enough of Mary there.

MAGGIE: Only half a glass, I can't blame it on that. (chuckling) Can… can you refill this please?

BARNABAS: I suppose (fills glass) here.

MAGGIE: Thank you. (sipping) I just can't get over how sincere you can be. Carolyn was right.

BARNABAS: Oh? How was she right?

MAGGIE: People don't understand you because you're just so mod and way out.*

BARNABAS: If that's anything like a coxcomb I can't take it as a compliment.

MAGGIE: Huh?

BARNABAS: Oh, it means… foolish, conceited…

MAGGIE: No-o-o, I think she meant you're offbeat, less conventional. Somehow you follow your own way and it works.

BARNABAS: I hope that's admirable.

MAGGIE: It is to me. Anyway…

BARNABAS: Yes, you were saying.

MAGGIE: …around that time I thought back to that incident after I'd tried so hard to forget it and, maybe this is asking too much to accept, but I really felt like Willie wasn't coming to kidnap me after all.

BARNABAS: I see.

MAGGIE: How?

BARNABAS: I'm afraid, even with all of the evidence against him, I never did believe it.

MAGGIE: Why not?

BARNABAS: Well, as you put it earlier today, I just know.

MAGGIE: (light snort) Touché.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And speaking of which— we briefly sojourn to the Addams Family residence.<p>

[sounds of fencing]

GOMEZ: (puffing cigar) I don't know about you, Mr. Bradford, but there is something quite stimulating… I'd say even fetching, about two women clashing swords.

PETER: (entranced) Yes, Mr. Addams… I think you're on to something there.

GOMEZ: _Cigar?_

PETER: Well, just this once…

MILLIGAN: And now we return-

HECUBUS: Master… don't we want to stay here? (fascinated) Victoria… and Morticia… so dazzling… with their sabers.

MILLIGAN: I know. We'll go back to them later… and maybe just the two of us… But now we must return to view… the corpse of Angelique at the Collinsport Inn.

* * *

><p>BLAIR: (thinking aloud) Hmm… now how did I plan this out before? … Oh… this is so difficult… She's finally at peace for a change. Why should I ruin it so soon? What an opportunity to relax and scope out <em>other<em> damsels. Maybe pull up some funds from a secret poker game. I haven't been in the land of the mundane for ages… there must be new intoxicants to explore… mischief to pursue.. people to deceive and confuse… and that Collins family… to just plain avoid!

[Otherworldly sounds and growls]

BLAIR: (sighs) All right all right all right… Forneus of The Deep need not rear his 29 legions in my direction. I can take a hint! … though I could use his knowledge of tongues at this point.

HECUBUS: I dunno, Master. Perhaps we should look up to this Nicholas Blair. He does have an apt awareness of demons.

MILLIGAN: Yes, but none of the ones he rubs shoulders with are _polite_… Wait a second, what is he doing to the corpse of Angelique?

HECUBUS: Oh Master! That looks familiar!

BLAIR: (chanting) Kava-Savah… Lah-tee!

MILLIGAN: (offended) Why is he performing the Sleep of Ages?! What a rip off!

HECUBUS: He IS a little out of it. He had to drink Angelique's Bloody Mary.

[Underworldly howls and groans continue… a knock sounds at the door]

WELLS: (aggravated) Hey, what the heck are you two DOING in there?

BLAIR: _Abezethibod!_ Damn landlords! Now I've got to start all over again. (opens door, viciously) What?!

WELLS: (over-authoritative) Oh, think you run the place, do you? Come out here and try that!

[steps, door closing]

BLAIR: (calming down) Pardon me, Mister…

WELLS: Mister Wells. And don't forget I manage this hotel. Now what is all that racket?

BLAIR: We're… having our morning meditation, Mr. Wells.

WELLS: Swell! You do realize there are other people trying to enjoy their vacations in my establishment?

BLAIR: Oh, the two little old ladies in number 9, or the Shriners convention in… well… all the other rooms?

WELLS: Listen, _Mitch Miller_, the Shriners aren't even all here yet. And when they are you're really going to be asking for it if you're laying out a bunch of voodoo nonsense! They'll be all over your door before you can say "Bob's Your Uncle".

BOB: (calling up the stairs) What d'ya a want, Wells?

WELLS: I'm not talking to _you_, Bob!

BOB: Crimeny, that's a nice tone to take. See if I ever restock your little bar supplies again!

WELLS: (grumbles) Bah, now I've got more to deal with. Anyway, Mr. Blair, I have noticed a lot of noise since you came here. I'd appreciate it if you could tone it down.

BLAIR: Oh, I do apologize, Mr. Wells. You see my granny is a bit hard of hearing so-

WELLS: Oh? Is that the purpose of knocking into the walls, slamming the doors, and all that chanting going on?

BLAIR: Well, she is a tad klutzy in her old age, you understand.

WELLS: And does she enjoy moaning in bizarre voices while she stumbles about, too?

BLAIR: Oh, I'm afraid that is another part of her condition. Lots of aches and pains, sometimes she sounds like a howling cat, sometimes it even resembles creatures from another world, or so I'm told.

WELL: HUH! Well, you really should get someone to look after her better.

BLAIR: Oh, I am expecting my sister to arrive soon. She wanted to meet us and she loves the seaside.

WELLS: Ah, then I hope you're good enough with the room you've got. I'm afraid a bigger one won't be available for some time.

BLAIR: This one is fine, Mr. Wells.

WELLS: Good. I can't get many guests to take #13 anyway, so believe me, this is the freshest and least used room.

BLAIR: I always gather that possibility wherever I travel. And to show you I am _obliged_ to your troubles here is a little tip.

[sound of paper]

WELLS: Ah, that is a lavish sum, but it's not necessary.

[sound of paper]

BLAIR: Well, if you ever require it, just say the word.

WELLS: When your sister arrives I might, that is, if the noise level doesn't drop as you've implied.

BLAIR: Of course.

WELLS: Excuse me.

BLAIR: Good day, sir.

[door opens and shuts, sizzling noises]

BLAIR: What the- DAMNATION! It worked! I hadn't expected that.

[closing curtains, sizzling fades out]

HECUBUS: Look, Master! The Sleep of Ages gave her back her youth.

MILLIGAN: REALLY? All right, it's time to patent that spell! (sighs) She is so… hot!

HECUBUS: Literally!

BLAIR: UGH! I haven't procured the coffin yet. Where the Hell is that lead blanket? Ah.

[ruffling of what sounds like a thick plastic blanket]

BLAIR: Phew! I hope she can heal before nightfall. I better get out and keep that appointment with the undertaker…

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, down in the lobby.

WELLS: Sorry, Bob, I gotta a LIVE one up there.

BOB: (forgiving) Yeah, I know. You always throw me a stale bone of welcome when you get those loud patrons.

WELLS: So, what do I owe you?

BOB: Well, I got the case of tomato juice and a jug of whisky and vodka and-

[door opens]

BOB: (amused) WELL! Look who's here!

MILDRED: Hi, Bob, Hi, Mr. Wells.

WELLS: (sighs impatiently) Hello, _Mayhem_…

MILDRED: (knowingly) I _see_.

BOB: (commiserating) He's in mood today, all right.

MILDRED: Oh, _Singing-Along-With-Mitch_, Mr. Wells?

WELLS: (grumbles)

BOB: Jiminy! That's gotta be the fourth reference I've heard outta you two. You make me want to check this guy out. Does he really resemble Mitch Miller that much?

MILDRED: Nah… well, maybe an evil one. He doesn't slick the hair back and doesn't have the goatee, but there is just something about the guy—

WELLS: It's like he's the alter ego of Mitch Miller. He's definitely got the moustache and that smile that threatens to just eat you up.

MILDRED: Yes, except this one is the real threat. His smile won't simply eat you up, it'll gnaw at your bones a while.

BOB: (jovially) Ah-h! Is he up there now?

WELLS: Yeh.

BOB: (mischievously) Ya think he'd have another fit if I knocked on the door?

MILDRED: Don't do it, Bob. Trust me. He'll be around a while. You'll get a good look at him soon enough.

WELLS: Yes, Bob, listen to Millie. And when you do see him… try not to laugh-really. I know it's tough for you.

BOB: Okay, okay. Well, I have another box or two to retrieve here. (steps away)

WELLS: And what brings you in at this opportune time, Mildred?

MILDRED: I've got the prints to pick out for the new postcards.

WELLS: Oh, good! That's the best news I've heard all day. Let's have a look at those.

HECUBUS: We now take you to the soundstage that is the bristly forest between the main house and the old house, as our young David carries his hot cross buns and braves the terribly repetitive tune he's learned.

DAVID: Well here goes nothin' (singing) Hot cross buns! Hots cross buns! One a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns!

SARAH: HALLO!

DAVID: AH!

SARAH: Oh, David… is that you? I was hoping…

DAVID: Y-e-h, phew! Oh, Sarah! I'm so glad to see you again! But you just about startled me into dropping these biscuits.

SARAH: Oh, don't do that. I'm glad to see you, too. And I'm impressed, David. How did you know?

DAVID: Know what?

SARAH: You knew just what song I wanted to hear…

DAVID: Really?

SARAH: Of course… you must have thought I really liked London Bridges, didn't you?

DAVID: (confusion) If you didn't … why were you always singing it?

SARAH: It was the only one I could remember.

DAVID: What? How can that be? I know plenty of songs.

SARAH: Oh, David, you don't know what it's like to be…

DAVID: A ghost?

SARAH: (sighs) That's really what I am, isn't it? I was worried that was what happened. I couldn't decide why I was still here and so much had changed. _I_ hadn't. It seemed like yesterday I was so sick. It's all so troubling.

DAVID: I bet it would be. I've read stories about that. Getting stuck and repeating things and not knowing you're doing it.

SARAH: What have you got there?

DAVID: I was hoping you'd know.

SARAH: Hot cross buns! That's perfect! Are you taking them to the Old House?

DAVID: I wanted to bring them there. Do you think it's safe to?

SARAH: Just what I was after.

DAVID: Then how did I think of it?

SARAH: Well, you didn't on your own, you know.

DAVID: Sarah… who are you… really?

SARAH: Hmm… you know how I always said to stay away from the Old House?

DAVID: Yes… and I was never sure why you did.

SARAH: Let's go… now.

DAVID: Now I really don't understand.

SARAH: I thought not. But promise me something.

DAVID: What?

SARAH: If I go with you, you have to hold my hand, all the way there. Or else I might disappear.

DAVID: REALLY?

SARAH: Yes, if you want me to get there you have to keep a hold of my hand. Or else I'll be gone.

DAVID: Alright. Will you help me carry the bread?

SARAH: That's the whole idea.

MILLIGAN: And as our two young friends carefully step through the brush together, we revisit Gull Cottage in Schooner Bay, as Tony & Carolyn are parking the car.

[car motor revs and then shuts off]

TONY: Well here we are.

CAROLYN: Excellent, now let's get that painting and…

TONY: Carolyn, wait a moment…

CAROLYN: Oh? Grabbing my hand for that spark of electricity again?

TONY: Yes but… um.. Captain, are you in here?

[harp ripple of Captain Gregg appearing]

GREGG: I am now.

TONY: (brief jolt) Phew! …Hello there. I was wondering if we could afford from you a bit of privacy before we venture in.

GREGG: Oh… (chuckles) Of course, Mr. Peterson.

[harp ripple of Captain Gregg disappearing]

TONY: Good. I was just hoping for a little-

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile INSIDE of Gull Cottage…

[manual typewriter noises, then harp ripple of Captain Gregg appearing]

GREGG: Mrs. Muir! Go to the telescope this instant!

MRS. MUIR: Well, hello to you TOO, Captain… now (steps) what do you want me to see?

GREGG: It's the couple returning the painting- this is too good to miss.

MRS. MUIR: Oh… Why don't I go down to greet them?

GREGG: No no—just enjoy the view.

MRS. MUIR: *sighs* Oh, all right… (adjusting spyglass) Where are they- oh, there… what? All right, they are leaning into each other and- oh my.

GREGG: Isn't _that_ simply captivating?

MRS. MUIR: Captain Gregg, what are you trying to do, make me into a Peeping Thomasina?

GREGG: No. I merely found myself marveling at all the pieces falling into place for everyone involved in this and wanted to share.

MRS. MUIR: Oh my… he's caressing her head…

GREGG: Hair…

MRS. MUIR: Whatever… it's not every chap that instinctively knows doing that can drive a girl crazy.

GREGG: Well… not every lass…

MRS. MUIR: Mm-hm! Are you going wax rhapsodic about your steamy past again? I'm still trying to shuck off that odd publicity I got when you took that little _liberty_ of yours in re-writing one of my stories.

GREGG: Oh! No. But you know, different strokes for different folks and all that.

MRS. MUIR: Ah, I see. I suppose what would drive one girl crazy likely would drive another girl, well… the bad kind of crazy. Oh, they're getting out of the car now. I better go down. You won't induce me to act like I'm talking to myself again, will you?

GREGG: Certainly not, Madam.

HECUBUS: And as Captain Gregg disappears, Mrs. Muir is able to step down to the front door and opens it as Tony and Carolyn bring the wrapped portrait to the door.

MRS. MUIR: Hello, you two! How was the drive?

CAROLYN: Excellent, Mrs. Muir.

MRS. MUIR: Oh, please step this way.

[lugging sounds, crinkling paper, etc]

MRS. MUIR: You're timing couldn't have worked out better. Martha's taken the children down to the beach for the afternoon.

TONY: Well, we did have a suggestion to when the best time for you was going to be.

MRS. MUIR: Oh? I don't remember the phone ringing. Had you talked to Martha?

[harp ripple]

GREGG: No, Madam. That was me.

MRS. MUIR: (gasps) I… well…

CAROLYN: Whew! Yes, he does enjoy coming out of nowhere.

MRS. MUIR: Oh… oh? Can you see…?

GREGG: Surprise!

: Oh! I suppose you all have become acquainted already? Well, you could have let me know, Captain. I thought I'd have to explain everything all over again.

TONY: No. He apparently made friends with our Mr. Evans in Collinsport.

MRS. MUIR: (authoritative impatience) Cap-tain—

GREGG: Oh, it was quite necessary. My arrival managed to skirt some danger he was in. And that is something we can all be grateful about.

[paper rustling]

CAROLYN: Yes, now how can we hitch this back up there?

GREGG: Allow me, miss.

[goofy music indicating levitation, and then a latch-like sound]

TONY: That's a relief. I must confess this all produces a fine sense of accomplishment.

MRS. MUIR: I'll say. That is amazing! It looks better than when I first moved into the house. What did Mr. Evans charge for the cleaning and touch-up?

GREGG: Ah, I believe we've squared that away, my dear.

MRS. MUIR: Another consolation. That's good considering I'm still waiting for my articles to publish next week.

TONY: It's odd. All this feels like it came into being by unseen forces.

GREGG: Oh, yes… (less serene) well, hello… you needn't all look at _me_ at once. I came into this at the same time you fellows did.

CAROLYN: (jovially) Perhaps we're looking at you, Captain, because we can.

TONY: Or because you wish it.

GREGG: (snorts) Ah… humour … By the by, Mr. Peterson. It is rare anyone has called me a seaman- just wanted to tell you I didn't pass my notice.

TONY: Did I?

GREGG: Yes, when you first came to see the portrait.

TONY: Oh… you heard that, eh? (snort) Well I guess you would have done.

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And we return to the Old House as Maggie and Barnabas try to unravel the confusion.<p>

* * *

><p>WADSWORTH: Sir, I will be back after I put these tools away. I took some time to watch the raven and it is upstairs disposing of the, erm… rodent.<p>

[steps out]

MAGGIE: Well, at least our feathered friend is making use of himself.

BARNABAS: My, you've got a strong constitution.

MAGGIE: (puts down glass) Oh, Barnabas, you've obviously never encountered a collection of all-night truck drivers swapping suggestive tales over their greasy breakfast plates.

BARNABAS: (vocal noise of distaste) Erm… why did you want to keep working at the Coffee Shop again?

MAGGIE: (sighs) You know, Pop made the suggestion and it completely made sense at the time but so far I'm only seeing one thing I wanted out of it.

BARNABAS: And what would that be?

MAGGIE: I'm looking at him.

BARNABAS: (abashed) Oh… A bold statement. (pauses) I suppose you shan't be very far away at the main house of Collinwood. But there is one thing I'll need from you.

MAGGIE: Oh?

BARNABAS: A way of acquiring that blend you saved for me the other night.

MAGGIE: Ah! I guess we'll have our coffee here then. That would- -what's that noise?

[doorknob rustling, muffled voices, steps]

BARNABAS: There's someone out there.

MAGGIE: No, wait, let's listen.

DAVID: If I have to hold your hand and hold the plate, how am I going to knock on the door?

SARAH: You don't have to hold my hand anymore, just on the way. We're here already.

DAVID: Wait, how are you going to knock on the door? Won't your hand just go through everything?

SARAH: (testily) If my hand was going to go through everything how was I helping you hold the plate?

DAVID: Goll-_lee_, you don't have to get touchy. What are you doing?

SARAH: David, this is my house. Why should I even knock at all?

DAVID: You're forgetting things again.

SARAH: Besides, there's a trick to this knob, or there was. Did it get replaced?

DAVID: Oh it might have been, but why not—

[door opens and a staggering silence ensues minus some nature sounds]

DAVID: (takes a deep breath) Well, I guess one of us should speak and it might as well be me. I'm hoping, well, you can see Sarah… right?

MAGGIE: (stunned) Well… yes.

BARNABAS: I can as well… erm… well…. Erm…

SARAH: Stop stammering, Barnabas. We've brought you something.

[steps, door shuts]

MAGGIE: What …have… you… brought?

DAVID: Hot cross buns. See, I was trying to come up with a song to bring Sarah back and I didn't dare sing the other one. So Wadsworth helped me find some old sheet music and that song was old enough that Sarah might know it. Then Aunt Elizabeth had Mrs. Johnson bake some, and, and… and here we are.

SARAH: But, what no one knew is I wanted them. I really did. I suppose I'd been wanting them… longer than I thought. Now, let's all sit down.

MAGGIE: I think I might faint.

BARNABAS: You wouldn't be alone.

DAVID: Here's your cane, Cousin Barnabas. Wow, you look almost as pale as you used to.

BARNABAS: Thank you. I don't think I've ever needed it more. I'll use this and Maggie, you can use me.

HECUBUS: Oooooo!

MILLIGAN: Oh, will you stop? I'm on the edge of my seat!

[stumbling footsteps and cushion noises]

SARAH: Now, let me see if I remember this … "Half for you and half for me, Between us two shall goodwill be", isn't that right?

BARNABAS: (vaguely calmer) Yes, my dear. That's correct.

SARAH: Except, as you can see, it's actually split four ways, which makes it perfect as there are four of us. Right Maggie?

MAGGIE: (also only vaguely calmer) Yes, Sarah. That's true.

SARAH: So, we'll all split one.

DAVID: Then pick the biggest… that one.

SARAH: A piece for you.

BARNABAS: Thank you.

SARAH: And you.

MAGGIE: Thank you.

SARAH: And you.

DAVID: Should I thank you even though I got them half way here?

SARAH: And one for me. And now we eat.

[Nervous chewing sounds]

DAVID: Hmm, that's not bad. Tastes a little like raisins.

SARAH: Oh, that's the currants. And now the goodwill will last between us four.

DAVID: Ah, I get it. Simple, right?

BARNABAS: Staggeringly. Sarah, why have you come back? Are you going to stay?

SARAH: Not for much longer, I think. But I wanted you all to know I hadn't forgotten you. And I was so glad to find out you were both here, together, and no one was getting hurt. You managed to be good enough and I wanted to tell you.

DAVID: (snaps his fingers) Positive reinforcement! I read about that.

MAGGIE: How… well… why…

DAVID: With everyone being so koo-koo around here I've been wondering about psychology. They always seem to go on and on about what makes people sick, though, and not what makes them better.

BARNABAS: (murmuring) "Out of the mouths of babes…"

DAVID: So when I heard about that I caught on to it like a flash.

SARAH: You'll need to keep looking for those things. More trouble will be coming.

MAGGIE: More trouble? What do you mean?

SARAH: Oh, it should turn out all right if you keep your wits about you. It's the lady who made me sick.

BARNABAS: Who made you sick?

SARAH: You remember. Not the last time I was sick. The time before that. I had the tea and got well again, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: The tea… the tea (recognition) the tea!

SARAH: Then I got well, but it wasn't the tea. It was her… to get what she wanted.

BARNABAS: (attempting to contain fury) To… arrange… a marriage?

SARAH: That's right.

BARNABAS: (making sounds as if to sneeze) Excuse me a moment. (rushes out the door)

SARAH: I suppose he had to find out sooner or later.

[angry scream]

DAVID: Wow! He's really upset.

SARAH: You should have seen me when I found out. He'll calm down, though. Don't worry, he's not angry at any of us. Maggie, did you find the box?

MAGGIE: How did you know about _that_?

[door opens and shuts]

BARNABAS: (gritting teeth) As if I had any respect to lose… (Clears throat) A-hem! So… (sits) The lady who made you sick is going to cause _more_ trouble?

SARAH: Yes. But don't be discouraged. More help will come, too.

MAGGIE: Sarah, this may sound like a wild question, but did a little bird… well, a big bird tell you all this?

SARAH: No, a sea captain did. I'd never met him before but he's very funny. He let me know it was all right that I come back for a little while.

MAGGIE: A sea captain… sort of blond, with a beard, and a gray turtle neck shirt and a thick coat?

SARAH: Yes, that's him.

MAGGIE: Wow. I have to talk to Pop. Soon. Now.

DAVID: Aw gee. Just when it was getting fun.

SARAH: Tell him I said, hello. And tell him about the box. The captain said after that it would be smooth sailing.

MAGGIE: I sure will!

SARAH: And Barnabas, may I stay in my old room here for a… for a fortnight?

BARNABAS: (steps) Sarah "Makepeace" Collins, you may have _anything_ in the realm of my powers I can give you!

MILLIGAN: While this reunion may have left you with an overdose in glucose levels we hope this one… well… won't.

[door knocker hits thrice… steps, door opens]

ROGER: Mnn? Ohhhh…. Oh, ho-ho-ho! Ha,ha, ha! HAAAAAA! Oh, Elizabeth, guess who's here?! And in a smashing outfit!

ELIZABETH: Roger… What on earth is so funny?

LILY: (warm jubuliation) Eli-z-a-beth!

ELIZABETH: Who… huh… (swoon/faints)

[Vedera's "Loving Ghosts" as outro**]

"Loving Ghosts" by Vedera

_I don't know how long I've been here_  
><em>the days all run together<em>  
><em>You're gone but you won't disappear<em>  
><em>Traces of you will last forever<em>

_It feels like..._  
><em>If I hold my breath you'll walk in any second<em>  
><em>and tell me it was all a mistake, cant believe that you left and<em>  
><em>It haunts me to hold you this close<em>  
><em>but hurts me more to let go<em>  
><em>That's why I'm still loving ghosts...<em>

_I'm still loving ghosts..._

_They say I should get on with my life_  
><em>but I can't even get up<em>  
><em>I'd rather believe... in this beautiful lie<em>  
><em>than admit you're really gone forever<em>

_It feels like..._

__If I hold my breath you'll walk in any second_  
><em>and tell me it was all a mistake, cant believe that you left and<em>  
><em>It haunts me to hold you this close<em>  
><em>but hurts me more to let go<em>  
><em>That's why I'm still loving ghosts...<em>_  
><em>_

_Every sense is screaming_  
><em>every hair stands on my skin<em>  
><em>every room I feel it. You are here!<em>  
><em>Baby, I'm not seeing, but I'm still believing...<em>  
><em>My heartbreak, a chance worth taking<em>  
><em>so on this floor I'll still be waiting...<em>

__It feels like..._  
><em>If I hold my breath you'll walk in any second<em>  
><em>and tell me it was all a mistake, cant believe that you left and<em>  
><em>It haunts me to hold you this close<em>  
><em>but hurts me more to it let go...<em>  
><em>That's why I'm still loving ghosts...<em>_  
><em>_

_and OH...I feel you this close now..._  
><em>...I'm still loving ghosts now...<em>

__and OH...I **feel** you this close now..._  
><em>and OH...I'm still loving, still loving ghosts...<em>_

_I'm still loving, still loving ghosts..._

* * *

><p>All Due Respect To:<p>

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Addams Family (1960's TV Show)

The Munsters (1960s TV Show)

The Ghost & Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

Mitch Miller

Better Homes & Gardens

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV show)

* * *

><p>*In Marilyn Ross's D.S. novel #18, Carolyn makes this reference.<p>

*Joke about Harry Johnson being "The Poor Man's Willie Loomis" with kind permission of DS Annotations creator.

** Sorry about the random pop song I found 2 days ago (from original posting last year) during an engine search, but I felt it was more fitting for Sarah than the possible theme to "Diff'rent Strokes" I contemplated. :S


	11. Episode 11: Caleb Collins Fights Back!

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 11: Caleb Collins Fights Back, Part ONE

_Lovingly dedicated to Tom Jennings/Don Briscoe. You've been an inspiration. For this, you are truly avenged._ :)

MILLIGAN: Good evening, and welcome once again to The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan, deferring, if you will, any need to monologue a cryptic version of the sinister divulgences as once were announced by various cast members. Enough hot-potato has been played on that account. (Weirded out.) Wait what, ouch! H-h-h-hot potato? Where did this come from?

HECUBUS: Toss it to me, Master! Ouch! Hot!

MILLIGAN: Well so much for my summoning! Manservant Hecubus, ladies and gentlemen.

[hoots and applause]

HECUBUS: Ouch! Thank you! Ouch! It's like a red hot coal from-ouch-the darkest underworld. Ouch!

MILLIGAN: (aggravated) Oh, Hecubus, get rid of that, will you? And not at me!

HECUBUS: Did someone in the audience order a hot-potato? Oh, you sir? Here, stick your fork there-ah! Ouch!

MILLIGAN: Oh, just stab it- oh, hey, three pronged fork! That's a devilish diner for you! Enjoy your meal.

HECUBUS: And now we must update our listeners with what is happening upon the Collinwood Estate, and thereabouts.

MILLIGAN: Yes! While Tony Peterson and Carolyn Stoddard have won the hearts of Gull Cottage, they've decided to stay there for some R&R. Also, at the main house of Collinwood, Elizabeth Stoddard has been moved to the sofa by Roger Collins and Cousin Lily as they reacquaint with each other while attempting to revive Mrs. Stoddard from her unexpected swoon.

HECUBUS: Master, why did Mrs. Stoddard faint, anyway?

MILLIGAN: Obviously because Cousin Lily was so ghoulishly elegant.

HECUBUS: Oh! Of course, Master.

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile David and Sarah are having the play time of their **life** at The Old House, and what adults remain are too tired to concern themselves much with the noise they might be making. _However_, the one adult who has not remained has finally reached home and will be confronting her father about all that Sarah explained, and more.

[Dark Shadows theme]

HECUBUS: And now at the Evan's Home.

* * *

><p>[door shuts]<p>

MAGGIE: (distressed) Pop? Pop?

[steps, wiping hands on cloth]

SAM: (brisk) Ah! Had a good evening, Maggie? Just got the new percolator fired up again. Works like a charm.

MAGGIE: That's… great… but…

SAM: (concerned) Oh, dear. Maggie, you look terribly worried. A little sour date can do that. Have a seat.

MAGGIE: It's not that, and I wasn't on a date… I mean…

SAM: (concerned) Maggie Evans, sit down here. Now look me in the eye and tell me.

MAGGIE: Well, I don't know where to start… I just… (stammers) Pa—Pa?

SAM: (light gasp) So… do you… are you, recalling things… as well?

MAGGIE: Recalling? … what?

SAM: Maggie, you look very tired. Did you get enough sleep?

MAGGIE: Yes, I'm sure, but so much has been happening. Pop, where did that painting go?

SAM: Oh? The one of the Captain? Miss Stoddard and Mr. Peterson picked it up this morning to take it back to Schooner Bay. It's all done.

MAGGIE: Oh, well, that's good, but what I meant was, who was in it? I mean. Did you know him? The Captain?

SAM: Oh… (sighs) Yes, I think _did_ is the operative word.

MAGGIE: DID? Pop? _What has been going on?_

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And while Sam attempts to give young Maggie an explanation, our Lily of The San Fernando Valley, and Roger Collins share the job of bringing Elizabeth Stoddard back to consciousness.<p>

LILY: Lizzie… Lizzie?

ROGER: Here, try these. I'll get her a brandy while I'm at it.

LILY: Here, smelling salt, Lizzie, come on, come on now.

ELIZABETH: (sniffs) Oh..ah, OH!

LILY: It's all right, Lizzie, it's me, Lily. Oh, I _was_ worried you might not recognize me.

ROGER: Here, Liz, have this. And don't be so anxious. It is Cousin Lily, I've assessed that. She's just a bit dressed up.

ELIZABETH: Oh, oh… yes, let me have a (sips) all right, I might get myself to… Cousin Lily… is that really you?

ROGER: (a tad impatient) Of COURSE it's her, Liz. Give her some credit for livening up a little in such a graceful gown… even if she did throw on a greenish-white pallor. I'm sure she's just having a bit of fun.

LILY: Oh, well. I suppose neither of you ever saw me this way. It is my most natural form.

ELIZABETH: (taken aback) Natural?

LILY: (innocently) Why, Elizabeth. You look disapproving.

ROGER: (glass clumps to table) Well, I _certainly_ am. Elizabeth Stoddard, our Cousin Lily has come all the way here at _lightning speed_ to help you retrace your steps. I believe you ought to be grateful, even if she _is_ a bit queer to look upon. Pause and acquire a little perspective. I'm sure she has the best intentions. If it's so difficult to digest her visually, then maybe you should just _have_ your bit of women's talk (takes a breath) with your eyes shut.

ELIZABETH: Oh… I… I am surprised… but… I suppose you're right, Roger.

ROGER: Of course I'm right… and now… I think I'll leave you two to have your time alone. I have to wonder where my son has gone… and frankly, (cheering up) a walk through the woods to the Old House will be fine, brisk exercise.

[steps, front door shutting]

LILY: Well, I see Roger is still rather good at having a bluster. I find we've got that in common.

ELIZABETH: (sighs) Oh, I suppose. Mind you, he has been rather chipper lately. It's turned things around.

LILY: That's good to hear. He seems less lonely than I expected, what with losing that lovely wife.

ELIZABETH: Lovely?

LILY: Yes, you know… (happy whisper) the _fiery_ one.

ELIZABETH: (laughing through nose) OH, my… I was reminded you could get me to laugh. Although I can hardly believe I ever could when it came to Laura.

LILY: (pleased recognition) Ah, Laura, that's right. Well, I'm not sure why it's funny, but whatever works. Oh… (skid across table) Is this…?

ELIZABETH: Ah, I see you've found her picture. That's Victoria. She was my nephew David's governess for a few years. Recently she got married.

LILY: Ohh… I thought she might be Carolyn minus the hair. She resembles you.

ELIZABETH: That's just it, Lily. I think she might be mine.

LILY: (light gasp) Oh! My, you mean… (lowering voice) Leslie's?

ELIZABETH: (inhales) Now you've said it. I thought I'd never hear that name ever again.

LILY: Elizabeth, if we were going by looks solely, she resembles him a bit as well.

ELIZABETH: I want to agree with you, but you know I don't even have a picture of him?

LILY: (happily) I do. (ruffling noise) You see?

ELIZABETH: (Gasping) Oh… wait just a moment. (steps, shuffling, doors closing, steps, sits) Be careful with these photographs! You don't have one of me in, well, a delicate state, do you?

LILY: Elizabeth! I only brought one little bag with me. Anything else is coming by express luggage, and I didn't want to bring it all. But you two were so happy in this one, I had to bring it.

ELIZABETH: Ah, yes. I've had a _little_ passion in my life to look back on. It's hard to believe I was that rebellious, but it was true.

LILY: And me; I was certainly in a rebellious phase of my own. I'd been doing my best to put my kitchen in proper order, and the men at home gave me grief that I was overtly contemporary. So I showed _them_. When I walked out that door to come get you, they didn't even recognize me. I thought I might as well alter my standards as drastically as they claimed.

ELIZABETH: (Amused) Really? So that's the reason I thought I was seeing Yvonne DeCarlo when we first met?

LILY: Oh, Lizzie, and didn't you strike a resemblance to someone? Ha-ha!(claps) We hit New Brunswick like a couple of Hollywood Starlets. They loaded those compliments like a pirate's hull.

ELIZABETH: (light laughter) Yes, yes, I remember the compliments… but there was only one fellow I ever cared to hear them from.

LILY: Aw, that's my girl. He was very dashing, and rather comical, too.

ELIZABETH: I agree… thank you for bringing this. It's **good** to see his face again.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And we join Roger Collins, freshened by his walk to the Old House, only to find a different form of calamity awaiting his gaze.<p>

[knocks, door opens, sounds of ruckus and children's laughter]

WADSWORTH: Good evening, Sir.

ROGER: Good—what the devil is going on in there?

WADSWORTH: Yes, it can be a tad a nerve-wracking at this point of playground hysteria.

ROGER: (aggravated/confused) David? David? Erm, where is Cousin Barnabas?

BARNABAS: (hazily content) Over here, Roger.

ROGER: (steps) Barnabas Collins, what the _deuce_ is going on around here?

BARNABAS: Ah, Roger, can't you tell? It's the pitter-patter of happy feet.

ROGER: Pitter-patter? Sounds more like a wrecking-ball! David can't be making all that noise on his own!

BARNABAS: Oh, Wadsworth, could you make a little suggestion to them?

WADSWORTH: (slightly agitated) As you wish, Sir, but you do recall in my contract that working with one child was acceptable, but _children_ is pushing it.

BARNABAS: I understand. Just a light suggestion.

[sounds of steps up the stairs and eventually the ruckus dissipates]

ROGER: So! You… why, you look as pleased as I've ever seen you. How can that entire rumpus affect you so?

BARNABAS: Ah, Roger. I have allowed the implausible for the gift of what I was hopeless to ever expect. Sarah has come home for a while, and making peace.

ROGER: Who? Sarah… PEACE? Well, all right, they've quieted down some.

BARNABAS: Roger, David is happy, she is happy and I can't help but invite it all, dream or no dream.

ROGER: Hmmnn… From what I've seen it's as real as it gets. If this Sarah you speak of is the ghost everyone has claimed I must say she sounds as _corporeal_ as a child can get! They'll likely damage more than half the renovations you've had put into effect.

BARNABAS: (contentedly) I don't care… I just don't care. Let them shred the wallpaper, demolish the Lincrusta, and break every spring on every bed jumped upon. I just (laughing lightly) don't… care.

ROGER: (slowly begins to chuckle) Well, why not? I don't know _half_ of what goes on around here, but I know most of the time it makes little to no sense anyway. And here I am back to my impatience while I've been advising everyone else to relax and enjoy themselves. What's a little noise when we have so much to celebrate? I'm eagerly awaiting my annulment to be verified anyway.

BARNABAS: Oh? OH? (claps, rubbing hands) That is marvelous news. I must say you really worried us taking up with that woman.

ROGER: I know. It was like I was under a curse or something.

BARNABAS: Ah, ha… Ah, Roger, believe me, I understand. Now, (liquid pouring) Let us toast the contentment.

ROGER: Oh, thank you. To contentment! (glasses clink, sipping, mild cough) What is this?

BARNABAS: Water.

ROGER: OH? We're toasting with glasses of water?

BARNABAS: Yes, water. I think one spirit in this house is enough for now.

[glasses clinking]

ROGER: Now, I _know_ something is off… ah, well. (sips)

BARNABAS: Hot cross bun?

ROGER: Ah? Well, don't mind if I do.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And we return to the Evans Cottage where Sam and Maggie continue their discussion, while the coffee's on the perk.<p>

[percolator sounds in the background]

MAGGIE: So, in this other life, you and I had the same relationship…

SAM: Yes, convenient in a bizarre way.

MAGGIE: But, you and the Captain recognized each other from a more in-between realm.

SAM: I know… it is hard to believe.

MAGGIE: Well, it would be except, if I was going to shrug it off as a drunken merriment I'd have to be an innocent bystander to it and I'm not. With Sarah coming back and my flashes of insight… or déjà vu… whatever it is… I have to believe you.

SAM: And the alternative…

MAGGIE: Ooo! I hate thinking about it. You could be dead, and I'd have no recourse but to pawn everything and move in as governess at Collinwood. At least now I have a choice… and you, Pop.

SAM: Thank you, Maggie. I would have hated to leave you… do the words "mon petite mademoiselle" ring any bells?

MAGGIE: My little… something. Meh, don't start on the French just yet. My head is already spinning.

SAM: I know what you mean. However, I went through an inordinate amount of recall all at once. Sounds like you're digesting it slowly.

MAGGIE: But it doesn't stick, Pop. It's like it comes and I deny it and I can't hold on to what I've seen.

SAM: Hmm. For all I know that might be far more normal. This kind of thing seems destined to be prevented. I remember some balderdash… heh, well, I _thought_ it was balderdash at the time, but you know, those hypnotizing sessions some people get and they remember all kinds of crude details.

MAGGIE: Oh? Hmm, hypnosis… why is it… I feel like… that's what's put me in this trouble to begin with?

SAM: Say! There's a thought. Doctor Hoffman… didn't she use hypnosis when she treated you? Maybe she had you in a trance, heard some of this stuff and tossed it off as a total fantasy.

MAGGIE: Wow… it just gets murkier.

SAM: Ah, sounds like the percolator's finished. Let's pour this out.

[clicking cups, liquid pouring]

MAGGIE: I think I'll add a little chili pepper. Maybe that'll wake me up more. So, how much did Barnabas Collins offer to pay you for altering that portrait?

SAM: Five hundred dollars.

MAGGIE: For _real?!_ I know he's wealthy but a price like that still sounds desperate. That's a good down payment on a 4-door sedan.

SAM: I know. And I can't accept it.

MAGGIE: Pop! You're going to turn it away? After all you've gone through?

SAM: No, not entirely. We'll get by and he had a few other paintings in mind anyway. But this one feels like blood-money, whether or not I've been enlightened by the experience. I'll ask him not to make the check out to me. I aim to donate it to a cause. It's one based in New York, I just have to call and ask to whom it should be filled out. Anyway, what about you? How do you feel about Barnabas Collins?

MAGGIE: (clink of cup to saucer) That's a juggle. He's really scared me at times, and then at others I find myself amazingly satisfied. And through it all those flashes of familiarity come in to interrupt them. Sometimes they're startling and sometimes they're wonderful, and sometimes it's subtle, like a head tilt I recognize or an inflection of his accent, both foreign and reminiscent of something.

SAM: (snaps fingers) And that portrait! The man must be a reincarnation of the other. Plus with his historical and familial compulsion to restore that house to what it was, and recognizing Sarah the way he did; he probably knows he's come back too and just doesn't say it. People would think he was a crackpot.

MAGGIE: And he uses phrases and words that can't just be slang out of England, not modern slang anyway. (chuckling) You should have heard how he sent away the magazine rep, though! I know I needed that laugh pretty bad.

SAM: (light chuckle) Sounded like a good one. I must say, we should look through that crate, but now that I have so many of the pieces to the puzzle I'm more than a little worried to go over there. It's going to look like such a desolate wasteland of what was once so elegant to me now.

MAGGIE: Ah, Pop. Always the tortured artist. You could do some sketches of the place if you get too uncomfortable. Sounds like a unique theme, half distressed and half sparklingly regal.

SAM: Ha! That's the ticket. (pause) Maggie, what were they going to pay you to take up the Jane Eyre bit up at Collinwood anyway? Six hundred a week?

MAGGIE: Pop! I don't believe so. Why did you come up with such a large figure?

SAM: Oh, many years ago you spoke of how Victoria was so brave to go. They couldn't pay you a hundred bucks a day to work in a spooky joint like that. I figured six hundred for the five days was more than one hundred a day.

MAGGIE: HA! Did I say that? I guess I would have. But- let's quote ourselves correctly; Why should I hate Collinwood? It's just a nice, respectable house filled with nice, respectable horrors.

SAM: Touché.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: We now take a quick look-see upon the inhabitants and guests of Gull Cottage in Schooner Bay.<p>

* * *

><p>[sounds of ocean and seagulls etc, steps and a tray is set down]<p>

MRS. MUIR: Ah, a little herbal tea, and some hors d'oeuvre. You two seem _very_ cozy resting on the porch.

CAROLYN: (blissful) Oh, thank you so much for letting us stay a while. The weather is so gorgeous and this view is wonderful.

MRS. MUIR: You're welcome. I've always liked it… Oh, looks like Candy and Jonathan are keeping those kites up.

CAROLYN: Yes, it's actually been relaxing to watch them. I've been reflecting on their mischievous food fight and how we have them to thank in a way for all this turning out so well.

MRS. MUIR: Yes, but never let on. We got lucky but no need to encourage bad behaviour.

TONY: (sighs) I have to admit it is a _beautiful_ day. I haven't seen anything like it for a dog's age.

[small dog barking]

MRS. MUIR: Now, now, that was no reflection on you, Scruffy.

TONY: I'm not in any hurry to find out, but I do wonder where the Captain's gone?

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: Yes, we have been wondering when the Captain would get to his errand.<p>

HECUBUS: Well, Master, it seems that Captain Gregg was having a hard time locating the Stephens home. There seems to be a discrepancy of whether it really was so near Manhattan or actually in Westport, Connecticut.

MILLIGAN: **Westport, Connecticut?** That's quite a commute. How many newspapers did Mr. Stephens subscribe to in order to endure the train distance to his Manhattan office each day? Or did he spend his time clipping coupons for the A&P?

HECUBUS: Perhaps Mr. Stephens listened to a portable music device?

MILLIGAN: (sighs) Yes, Hecubus, I'm sure the man lugged around a **bulky **reel-to-reel machine. That would certainly have passed the time!

HECUBUS: Hee, hee, hee.

MILLIGAN: At any rate, Captain Gregg, after a couple of failed attempts, has finally arrived within the house at 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

* * *

><p>GREGG: Ah… so this is what a modern home looks like these days. It's no Gull Cottage.<p>

[steps down stairs]

ENDORA: (suspiciously welcoming) Oh? Hmm… came in on your own did you?

GREGG: Ah! Good afternoon!

ENDORA: Shh! Come this way. I can tell you're not a brush salesman, and arriving as you did I presume you're hardly human.

GREGG: Yes, Madame. I hope my appearance has not alarmed you. Do tell me, why must we draw away from the stairs?

ENDORA: My grand-daughter is having her siesta. I am watching over her.

GREGG: Oh… I see. Let us adjourn closer to the fireplace. So you are the grandmother?

ENDORA: (self-assured, as usual) Yes… as for you… I can almost place you.

GREGG: (thoughtfully) And I you. Tell me did you ever sail upon the Atlantic in… well. I dare not presume a woman's age.

ENDORA: More and more familiar… from the looks of you I dare ask if it mayn't have been the 1860's?

GREGG: Ah, That would be putting it some time ago. But I must admit you to be quite correct.

ENDORA: Oh… (gratified) Well, it is nice to meet a higher element of specimen in my daughter's home.

GREGG: You flatter me, Madame. So, I gather you are one of the lovely witches hereabouts and not the standard make of mortal.

ENDORA: Quite so! Now, tell me, wasn't there a bit of a ball upon The Hawk, perhaps about 1863?

GREGG: (recalling) Why, yes! Ah, those were the times. Much more ornamentation along everything.

ENDORA: Precisely. I've often wondered why so much less is ornate now with so many more inventions of putting that into effect.

GREGG: You do impress me, Madame. Did we not have a dance upon The Hawk?

ENDORA: Ah… well…

GREGG: Yes! The song was "Thermen Waltz" and you braved an altercation of convention and asked me for a dance, did you not?

ENDORA: Yes… I believe I did.

GREGG: And then I… oh… wait a moment.

ENDORA: Yes?

GREGG: (fumbling) I, ah… I think I may have had to use the facilities.

ENDORA: (stretching the pleasant tone) Keep thinking, sir. You're getting warmer.

GREGG: Oh.. ah… I remember… now… oh… dear…

ENDORA: Yes… Captain… Daniel…. Gregg… you… _refused_ me.

GREGG: Well, I, I must have had good reason.

ENDORA: (peeved) Good reason? To refuse a lady taking an unconventional chance? Perhaps I might turn your head about this time, Captain.

GREGG: Madame, I'm sure you're powers are indomitable, but I am a ghost now. And I have powers of my own!

ENDORA: Oh, yes? Show me!

[thunder crashes]

ENDORA: Ah, ha-ha-haaaa! We'll see about that.

[heavy rain pelting cloth and sloshing water]

ENDORA: You probably want to halt the water works, Captain.

[sounds stop, except for sloshing and dripping]

GREGG: (shaking off, water dripping to carpet) Yes…. I see… my… it's been some time since I've been so very… _wet_.

ENDORA: And you still haven't apologized, Captain.

GREGG: Madame? Haven't you had your revenge?

ENDORA: Oh? Perhaps I haven't gotten started yet.

GREGG: Oah! Just like a woman! Never allow one on board ship! Bad luck!

ENDORA: OH? _The flaming impudence._ Don't start with me Daniel Gregg! I remember when you were a mere cabin boy!

GREGG: And here I was looking for help.

ENDORA: HELP? You want help from me?

GREGG: I doubt I could afford it. I'm looking for a Samantha Stephens.

ENDORA: My daughter? _Very interesting!_ Did you intend to cast aspersions on her as well?

GREGG: No, I do not, Madame. I'm here for the sake of a friend.

ENDORA: Well, as of right now… any friend of yours is as near an enemy of mine as you'd like to know.

GREGG: But, Madame, I must-

ENDORA: Away you go, Captain Gregg! Until you can learn some manners!

[harp ripple]

GREGG: (with echoing voice) Blast you, WOMAN!

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: Hmm… that didn't quite go as he'd hoped. Ah, well.<p>

HECUBUS: I suppose he'll be fine. And for our audience, we abruptly halt this episode because your creator has come to the realization that its original inception was too darn long.

MILLIGAN: It IS a long road before us. And so PART TWO of Episode 11 of The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows shall be coming soon if no catastrophe's manage to halt it's flow. We'll see you all a little later!

[Witchcraft by Matt Costa as outro]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

Bewitched (1960's TV Show)

And of course, Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

_The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor production._

* * *

><p>[Author's Note: Both parts in text form are in the same area here to keep from altering the numbering system. I had to split the podcast version in two separate chunks because it ended up being over an hour in length. Feel free to check out the podcast version at archive dot org, podomatic or iTunes. Would love to hear if you enjoy it and what you liked.]<p>

* * *

><p><span>The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 11: Caleb Collins Fights Back, Part TWO<span>

_Lovingly dedicated to Tom Jennings/Don Briscoe. You've been an inspiration. For this, you are truly avenged._ :)

MILLIGAN: Welcome back! We dispense with the usual trivialities to this jump into part two of our epic 11th Episode. We left off where our Captain Gregg was foisted into realms unknown by Endora when they met.

HECUBUS: Not very nice, Master.

MILLIGAN: No… quite evil, indeed. Manservant Hecubus? What do we have to look forward to now?

HECUBUS: Currently there is a Nicholas Blair off to visit a bit of a coffin parlour.

MILLIGAN: (sighs) Och… Him again?

* * *

><p>[door knocker hits twice, door creaks open]<p>

UNDERTAKER: (gloomy-drawl) Mm-yes?

BLAIR: Ah, you're the undertaker, yes?

UNDERTAKER: That is correct, sir. I do recall an appointment with a Mr. Blair at this hour. Do step in.

BLAIR: Ah, quite an array of choices here- eh? Huh? What are you doing?

UNDERTAKER: Just taking a few measurements (pencil scribble) it's never too soon to plan ahead.

BLAIR: What? You're much mistaken. This is for my grandmother. I am in perfect health.

UNDERTAKER: Of course, sir… but it is a very insecure world isn't it?

BLAIR: Only _lately._

UNDERTAKER: Ah, I understand sir. I believe that you wanted the stained mahogany with scarlet lining, though I am afraid…

BLAIR: Huh? What on earth is that cutlass carved into the top for?

UNDERTAKER: As I was about to warn you, Mr. Blair, we have yet to complete the engraving.

BLAIR: (taken aback) Pardon me! I didn't request an engraving.

UNDERTAKER: Oh… aren't your grandmother and yourself… _interred_ at the Collinsport Inn?

BLAIR: Yes, of course. What does that have to do with a symbolic engraving?

UNDERTAKER: Do forgive me, sir. I naturally presumed you both were part of the Shriner's gathering there and would approve of their logo upon the casket. Perhaps your grandmother is fond of Caribbean History? I know the cutlass was used for harvesting sugarcane and so on.

BLAIR: (snorts)Hmmph, well we do have a minor connection to Martinique.

UNDERTAKER: Excellent sir. It is marvelous how some mishaps turn out so comforting.

BLAIR: (sighs) Very well. So, may I presume you could have this coffin delivered with some kind of covering? I've found that the manager of the Inn isn't so reasonable.

UNDERTAKER: Ah, well, that would not be part of the normal formalities. Have you had your grandmother presumed dead?

BLAIR: Heh… She's not dead, but she isn't so well. I'd like the casket today.

UNDERTAKER: As you wish. Would tomorrow be suitable?

BLAIR: Well, tonight would be better. I only have one more stop on my way back to the Inn.

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: As this transaction is completed, there are a few stirrings from the less aggrieved at Wyndcliff Sanatorium.<p>

* * *

><p>[door closes]<p>

STOKES: Ah, lovely office, Doctor.

HOFFMAN: Yes. Looks like the fish are all well and good… oh, well. I see one is missing. (sighs) Well, what did I expect? I haven't been very attentive lately, and one can only presume so much from a quick replacement and an intern. So, how is the patient?

STOKES: You'd be surprised, I think. Mr. Loomis is doing quite well… ahem… for a start.

HOFFMAN: Oh, no… he's not still drawing practice strokes and spacing, is he?

STOKES: No, no. But he is working on the capital letters. I'd hoped he would start with the smaller version of the cursive alphabet, but he is determined to stick to what he considers the basics.

HOFFMAN: Mmm, he should probably just practice with numbers, but if he has a mind to do it—

STOKES: Let him do it his way, I know.

HOFFMAN: Professor? That's the third time today you've finished one of my sentences. Am I really so predictable?

STOKES: Oh, I don't think it's that. (fingers along books on shelf) Ah, I see your copy of Bulfinch is rather worn. Would you like a replacement copy? I have several.

HOFFMAN: Well, that's kind of you to offer, but I usually check the more modern Edith Hamilton books on mythology now… Not that a great deal of my patients require me to use it… not that I _see_ a great deal of patients anymore…

STOKES: Yes, I had wondered. Perhaps you've got more taste for lecturing?

HOFFMAN: Ah… perhaps … to a certain person.

[phone rings, picks up phone- and yes a clunky 1960's one]

HOFFMAN: Hello… oh, well, Dr. Lesh isn't here right now… What? Oh! Yes, this is Dr. Hoffman, I'm just surprised to receive a call here right now… Oh, Mr. Evans? … Hmm! That is strange… I wonder what could be causing that… Well, I'm not sure when I can—oh, actually now that I think about it, I can't see why I can't come over tonight… Oh, yes, in my professional capacity, yes. Well, I'll have to stop into Collinwood before then… Oh?... All right I'll tell him. See you then.

[phone clunks down]

HOFFMAN: Well, that was something… Sam Evans to call out of the blue about Maggie having flashes of… hmmm.

STOKES: What did he want you to tell to whom?

HOFFMAN: Even stranger, he wanted to send a Hearty Hello to Barnabas Collins from the both of them.

STOKES: I suppose there are good feelings between them.

HOFFMAN: None that I ever expected to see again. (contented hum) I suppose things really are settling down around here. Wouldn't that be splendid?

STOKES: Yes, and perhaps more splendor to come. Shall we go together to Collinwood?

HOFFMAN: Oh, I'm actually planning to head to the Old House on the estate, not the main one.

STOKES: Just what I was after.

HOFFMAN: Ah, well, why not? It's all going so well, and I must say, I'm enjoying the company of an academic lately.

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: AND with no one the wiser to any possible troubles, we follow Nicholas Blair and his mischievous grin as he assumes to take over one of the lesser known homes on the Collinwood Estate.<p>

MILLIGAN: Ah-ha! Let's see if _this_ time he can succeed at any deviltry… WITHOUT stealing our lines!

* * *

><p>BLAIR: (speaking to himself, walking) This should be simple enough. I know some of what I expected to happen here went troublingly wrong, like why Mrs. Stoddard was still alive and getting kicked out of Collinwood. They should have given me this old place. Well, looks like it hasn't been used in nearly a hundred years. This old House by The Sea is empty enough. It should be as vacant as… as… well, as Cassandra's expression when people caught on to her real identity as Angelique.<p>

[door knob rattling, door creaking, steps echoing]

BLAIR: (gloating) Oh, yes, this will be perfect, no more kowtowing to that Mr. Wells buffoon. All this space and they want to keep it locked up? I can empathize if it's greed. Ah, these rooms, perfect. Don't worry my little abode. _I'll_ take good care of you.

[scuffing steps]

TOM JENNINGS: Hello? Who's there? Mr. Collins?

BLAIR: (under his breath) Damn… (regular voice) Oh, hello there! Do pardon my intrusion. I was just looking around.

TOM: Oh… So, is this how hardware suppliers dress these days? That being the case you can bring in the shipment of two-by-fours I need for the support beams, unless-

BLAIR: (self-assured) Oh, no, no, I'm not with any hardware store.

TOM: Aah, I didn't think so. Well, I guess you're early bringing in the Persian rug. Mr. Collins didn't want that installed until I'd had better flooring to replace the old tiles in here.

BLAIR: Oh, no… I'm not in the rug business.

TOM: Is that so? It gets better. I guess you don't belong here at all, huh?

BLAIR: Well, I just wanted to have a look around. It's quite a spacious… empty… house.

TOM: It's not for sale.

BLAIR: Ha. Nor do I wish to buy it.

TOM: I see. Tell me, do you use a special pomade to wax that moustache, or do you just like checking its twirl while you talk to people?

BLAIR: (haughtily) Welll, I can tell there's going to be some wising up to attend to around-

[loud thumping sounds interrupt]

BLAIR: What was_ that_?

TOM: (laid back) That? Yeah, the noise gets rather_ stupendous_ on days like this. I've chalked it up to the house settling _or_ a secret gathering of beatnik wayfarers hiding out up there. If it's the latter I'm sure they eagerly wait for me to leave so they can get back to reading some Kerouac.

BLAIR: Bosh! There can't be anyone up there. It's just you and me, young man, and let me tell you-

[loud thumping sounds continue]

TOM: Holy smokes! That sounds like someone… or some_thing_ on the top of the stairs.

BLAIR: Well don't just stand there. Go up and sort it out!

TOM: (well-mifffed) Hey-hey! Who are you to call the shots around here? I've been hired to do a job and put this place in apple-pie order. So take a **hike**, _BOZO_!

BLAIR: Oh, yeah?

[thumping sound gets louder then halts]

MALE VOICE: (Downeast Maine squawk with Victorian highlights) All right! I've had it. ONE person was just as well, but two of ye is too much fer me!

TOM: (under breath) Cripes… what a _beard_.

BLAIR: Oh, and who are you?

MALE VOICE: My name is Caleb Collins.

TOM: WHAT?

BLAIR: WHAT?

MILLIGAN: WHAT?

HECUBUS: ALL RIGHT! Another "my-name-is" for my collection!

CALEB: Ye'heard me! It's bad enough I have to stay in this place one hundred years after my death, but to have my home knocked into and then echoing with useless arguments is beyond my patience. I managed to keep away from Daniel's palpitations over Valerie, Elder Quentin's haranguing, Judah's nasty old skull, not to mention Roxanne and all that ding-bat Trask nonsense, along with any other pesky poppycock dunderheads who managed to show up… back in, what is affectionately said by others to be, "MY DAY". Now I must needs listen to the posturing of a hired man and The Imp of The Perverse!? I may not have been much more than a milksop when I was alive, but believe you me; I've had plenty of earthbound existence to make up for it.

TOM: Oh, oh… well… Mr. Collins-

CALEB: Just hold it, handy-man. Now, you there, Mr. Moustache, or don't they call you Blair?

BLAIR: (alarmed) Yes?

CALEB: _Vamoose_! If I find you've stepped one pointy toed shoe back on my property, I'll be sure to make you believe that the inheritor of Harrowby Hall's Water Ghost had it EASY! Ye'hear?

BLAIR: Well (super-nervous) I don't get the reference, but I believe you.

[stumbling footsteps rushing out and door slams, then door knob rattles]

CALEB: And as for you!

TOM: Y-y-yes… sir?

CALEB: (relenting slightly) Come on back now. You got every call to be here' n'all. My great-grand-nephew hired yer to fix up the place and you seem like a decent lad.

TOM: Well… I had heard there were ghosts on the estate. Although… I hadn't counted on this.

CALEB: It's all right. I won't hurt ye. And I hope I haven't harmed any skepticism that you were especially fond of in your personality. I've likely shattered some of it.

TOM: Oh… well… um… I figured it's either true… or, well. I could be plain nuts.

CALEB: Of _course_ you're nuts! If you weren't nuts what in the heck are you doing in Collinsport? Everyone's nuts around here.

TOM: Er.. oh?

CALEB: Don't tell me you haven't noticed!

TOM: No, sir… well, maybe a… a little. That guy was gutsier than I'm used to anyway.

CALEB: Yeh! Not expecting to see him again. Eh, I see you're still shaken up. Let's just pretend I am alive for now, ye can tell Roger about it later if you really want to.

TOM: I'll have to tell him I saw somebody here.

CALEB: (more jovial) Yeh, sure, a'course. Anyway, I can't promise to stay out of your way, but you may not notice me too much more. Hee-hee! I did enjoy the beatnik line, Mr. Jennings. That actually happened once.

TOM: Oh? And?

CALEB: And what? I knocked around the walls and shook them up enough to leave without their _bindles,_ no more to tell.

TOM: (nervous laughter) Oh!

CALEB: That's better. Hee-hee-hee. (sighs) Well, I guess I better let you get on with your work. And by the by; I know those food cans I kept _are_ rather nasty… AND poisonous with the lead soldering they used to use, so watch out for that when it comes time to dispose of those.

TOM: Really? All right, that's good to know. It's okay I get rid of them?

CALEB: Carefully, mind you! And don't just toss them any place; make sure it's done safely.

TOM: You got it… Mr. Collins, anything else I should know?

CALEB: Yeh, stay away from those apple crates in the basement!

TOM: Why? Have you got some pirate treasure stashed in them or something?

CALEB: Nah, nah—it's my collection of Schweppes bottles. I don't want a single one of them touched.

TOM: _Schweppes_ bottles? Sir… I think by now they've likely… lost their fizz.

CALEB: Bah! That's no issue. I drank the soda before your grand-daddy was even born! I'm just saving the bottles.

TOM: May I ask… well, any special reason you have a collection of Schweppes bottles?

CALEB: What do you care? Maybe I packed 'em in salt water and sand to cloud the glass for a cheap thrill! Or perhaps I warrant to use 'em to send corked messages out to sea and play with the heads of some fool archaeologists. There's any number of uses for an empty bottle.

TOM: Wow… you really are… were… a hoarder.

CALEB: You better believe it. Objects, items, things… they're all better 'n' people any day. 'Specially the cod-pickin' crazies _I'm_ related to!

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: Hee-hee-hee! Well that Nicholas Blair didn't steal our lines and he didn't succeed.<p>

MILLIGAN: Yes. That is most reassuring all'round. It seems at this later point in the day, The Old House will be receiving many callers.

* * *

><p>WADSWORTH: Sir, I have laid out Miss Sarah's room, but I'm afraid I must wonder why such a little lady of her type requires a room to herself.<p>

BARNABAS: My good man, life without a room to oneself is barbarous. But, the main thing is she asked for it, and I aim to give her anything I can that she requests. Ah, I can see you're still a bit shaken by all the noise.

WADSWORTH: Yes. It has quieted down with Master David and Mr. Collins departure. Neither child appears to be the type to make so much noise… alone.

BARNABAS: I apologize, Wadworth. You've been one of the most understanding men of service I've ever encountered. And yes, I suppose two together can stir up some noise, but two together so happy to see each other again, excited to share and compare all the details of this house they've experienced…

WADSWORTH: Yes, sir. And I gladly accept your apology.

[knocks on door, steps, opens door]

SAM: Ah, Wadsworth, wow. Looks as though you've seen a ghost. I didn't think anything could shake you up.

WADSWORTH: A day of children's rough-house play might do that, sir.

MAGGIE: Oh, you poor dear. Why not give yourself a walk?

WADSWORTH: Yes, I believe I shall, madam. (exits)

SAM: Well, Mr. Collins, you look fresher, though perhaps somewhat fatigued.

BARNABAS: Oh, Mr. Evans! I'm afraid I've neglected you. I owe you quite a sum. (gets up, opens drawer)

SAM: Ah, before you do that, I don't want that check signed out to me. I think we all know what that painting job was meant to pursue, and much is being discovered when it comes to the _repetitions_ of the supernatural, eh?

BARNABAS: Repetitions? Supernatural?

SAM: Reincarnation, Mr. Collins. You know, when people return from an old life into a new body to complete any… unfinished business?

BARNABAS: Oh, I suppose I've heard a little about reincarnation.

SAM: (chuckling) Yes, I think you have. Now, make the check payable to… The Parapsychology Foundation. And, could you write "reincarnation research" into the notes area of it?

BARNABAS: Hmm! If you're sure… I suppose I can squeeze it in there.

[scribbling, perforated paper tearing, door knocking]

MAGGIE: I'll get it.

BARNABAS: Here you are, Mr. Evans. And I must thank you most graciously. I do intend to hire you for less crucial work in the future, but nonetheless welcome portraits.

SAM: Good, as you likely realize, I won't see a penny of the payment for this one.

[door opens]

HOFFMAN: Ah, Maggie. You look very well. I'd heard you weren't so much.

MAGGIE: Oh, that's Pop and I. We're trying to get to the bottom of some memories that flash and then lapse back with me. Wait, wasn't Professor Stokes with you?

HOFFMAN: Yes, he decided to join Wadsworth on his walk. I was hoping to get a ride with you and Mr. Evans if I could. I'm not sure this is the right place to discuss your therapy.

MAGGIE: True. Well, Pop, all done in here?

SAM: Oh, yes. Well, Doctor Hoffman, we might as well wait in the car. Perhaps you have another patient to consult here.

MAGGIE: Farewell, Barnabas. I hope to see you soon, quite soon.

BARNABAS: Oh, of course. I look forward to that. (door shuts)

HOFFMAN: I wouldn't look so forward to it, Barnabas. You know what they've been asking for?

BARNABAS: What with everything going so well, I can't imagine it's so horrible.

[stair steps]

HOFFMAN: They want her memories back. The ones that I suppressed… for your sake.

BARNABAS: (mounting shock) No! No, there's something else going on. There _must_ be. She knows too much Josette really knew. You know she found a crate in Josette's room and she knew what was in it.

HOFFMAN: Oh? That's all likely from her old stay here. She probably just opened it when you kept her here, remember. When you were a much less winsome gentleman?

BARNABAS: Doctor, that crate was sealed, and quite forcibly opened by Wadworth. The three of us were there to investigate it. She could never have opened that and sealed it shut again in her condition then.

SARAH: Of course she couldn't.

["Filby's Theme" by Russel Garcia from 1960's film "The Time Machine" plays]

HOFFMAN: (gasp) Sarah… Collins?

BARNABAS: (coolly) Yes, Doctor. I have an… out-of-town relative staying with me. Now what other kind of blessing do you require?

HOFFMAN: Well, wha- I… I'm so _confused_.

SARAH: The Evans are waiting for you, Doctor Hoffman.

HOFFMAN: (stammering) Sarah, why? What do you know?

SARAH: Only that you need to help her. (stair climbing steps)

HOFFMAN: Sarah, wait!

SARAH: I'll be here for a while, Doctor. You'll have time to talk to me later. (steps fade out)

HOFFMAN: Well… well… I'm dashed! You behave like this is no matter at all. What insanity!

BARNABAS: It's been quite a mixture of events, but I am willing to go along with whatever my sister so desires, Doctor. I love her that dearly. Now, is there any possible way to find out why Maggie recalls all this… without her… stumbling upon my own devious actions of over a year ago?

HOFFMAN: Hmmph! As usual, Barnabas, you ask for the impossible. I can promise nothing. Though it would be nice to have all of what's been going on explained.

[door opens]

BARNABAS: If that's what you want then perhaps you shouldn't keep the Evans so long. Maggie can likely tell you everything. She was here with me when Sarah arrived with David.

HOFFMAN: (chuckling scoff) Oh! Its times like these I want to go back to my practice. Compared to this estate, Wyndcliff is obviously a mediocre guest house! (slam)

SARAH: Barnabas! Come up stairs and see! He's done such a splendid job on my room!

BARNABAS: On my way! (sighs) Dear Providence, please… if this is a dream, don't let me awake from it.

[stair climbing steps, music fades out, and then "Dark Therapy" by Echobelly as closing theme]

Dark Therapy

_High above the roof tops,_  
><em>Higher than the milky way,<em>  
><em>Slipping through the hour glass,<em>  
><em>Shooting up the desert plain,<em>  
><em>You are one life older than before,<em>  
><em>But you can't stop this chill,<em>  
><em>Now you're falling in slow motion,<em>  
><em>Though the air is still.<em>

_If you close your eyes than I can take you all the way,_  
><em>Let me close your eyes and I will take it all the way.<em>

_You are on the outside,_  
><em>Hands upon the window sill,<em>  
><em>I am on the inside,<em>  
><em>Carving up the hunters kill.<em>

_If you close your eyes than I can take you all the way,_  
><em>Let me close your eyes and I will take it all the way.<em>

_Cruising on a missile,_  
><em>Cruising on a desert plain,<em>  
><em>Wading through a minefield,<em>  
><em>Wading through the monsoon rain,<em>  
><em>Surfing on an oilspill,<em>  
><em>Surfing on a perfect wave,<em>  
><em>Porn upon the airwaves,<em>  
><em>Rituals of the mating game.<em>

_If you close your eyes than I can take you all the way,_  
><em>Let me close your eyes and I will take it all the way.<em>

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

Bewitched (1960's TV Show)

And of course, Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)


	12. Episode 12: Dark Therapy

_To various fandoms, please remember this is based on the TV series, mainly Dark Shadows. Captain Daniel Gregg is very angry with his friend here. Lily Munster is also here and the Addams Family will be back for Episode 13 to help Victoria Winters. (In the Dark Shadows film of 2012 they merged Victoria and Maggie, but in the TV series they are separate.) This is likely the darkest of all of my episodes so far. _

_I apologize to other fandoms for being such a nut-case in my podcast intros but I've mainly had fanatical Dark Shadows fans to talk to and that gets beyond rough! (Remember, it's a soap opera. UGH!)_

_The audio version is at iTunes, archive dot org and podomatic. (All the links can be found on my profile page if you click on my author's name.)_

_Thank you for reading and reviewing._

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 12: Dark Therapy

_With deep appreciation toward reincarnation research; no slight or ridicule intended._

_…_

MILLIGAN: Good evening, or morning, or afternoon… wherever you are in the world. My name is Sir Simon Milligan and-

HECUBUS: Hee hee hee… I just keep _racking them up! _(scribbling noises)

MILLIGAN: Oh, Hecubus, what are you on about now?

HECUBUS: You said "my name is", Master, you usually say I am Sir Simon Milligan.

MILLIGAN: (peeved) Then why don't you say it yourself and **score** another one? You interrupted my _introducing_ you again, anyway.

HECUBUS: Of course, Master! Hello! My name is Hecubus, minion of the **Darkness** Pit!

[audience hoots and hollers]

MILLIGAN: And we welcome you once again to the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. **Tonight** we are deeply delving into some serious **gloom** and a plummet into the shades and specters of this story.

HECUBUS: Oh dear, Master, you make it sound like there won't be many laughs to be had.

MILLIGAN: There won't.

HECUBUS: But Master, what darkness could be so deep that it misses reaching the funny bone?

MILLIGAN: Well! That depends on your perspective. You see Hecubus, we've often been rubbing our hands over the sinister regions of the human mind. Upon this _new_ endeavour, we've also been analyzing the human soul… but TONIGHT! We are investigating the deepest regions of… BOTH.

HECUBUS: Ooooo! Sounds scary, Master.

MILLIGAN: It **is** and that is exactly why we are here!

[Dark Shadows theme music plays]

HECUBUS: And now we shall help our listeners along as the evening is a lengthy one and our road is perilous.

MILLIGAN: Yes. I don't know if any of you out there have ever explored an all-nighter with a good friend, or a devilish enemy, but you know that the only parts of it worth telling are the highlights. So my devious assistant and I will be helping to fill the gaps of this special session into the past-life hypnosis of Maggie Evans. Let us continue at the Evans home where Doctor Hoffman is making sure that they truly desire this to happen.

* * *

><p>HOFFMAN: (cautiously) Now, you do realize what you're asking for is rather unorthodox and I don't have the necessary experience?<p>

SAM: That's why I need to be here, too. Believe me, I've had enough experience to know what to look for.

HOFFMAN: All right. I wouldn't normally take this chance, but one can hardly argue with the ghost of a little girl.

SAM: Heh, yes, it's all terribly strange but if that Sarah is for you being here too, it somehow boosts my confidence. Though I'm sure it won't be pretty.

MAGGIE: Could we talk about something else? I'm _trying_ to relax and all that talk is making me nervous.

SAM: You're right. (chipper) So! How about those Black Bears?

MAGGIE: Huh?

SAM: You know, the University of Maine team.

MAGGIE: (laughing) Well, that's a start! I feel a bit better… (wary) Pop, I'm scared. When this is all over, will I remember you?

SAM: Yes, and I think more than you know.

HOFFMAN: All right, just relax and we'll go through this step by step. Now, you see this medallion, pretty isn't it?

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And Dr. Hoffman does her voodoo that she does so well, as Maggie gently drifts into a trance.<p>

* * *

><p>HOFFMAN: (warmly) You're going back further, to the time of your birth, and a little further back and a little further. Now, what do you see?<p>

[Sounds of war fade in.]

MAGGIE: (petrified) **Sie kommen jetzt nach unten! Lauf für ihn!**

HOFFMAN: What? Who are you?

MAGGIE: (vague though determined German accent) My name is Hansel Bachmeier… although some in the Empire call me Jaeger.

HOFFMAN: (voice lowers) Mr. Evans, is this…?

SAM: (steady but shocked) Whoah… if I wore a monocle I think it would have just dropped into my cup.

HOFFMAN: Hansel, what is the year?

MAGGIE: It is 1918… but don't ask me v'at day. I haven't known what day it is for too long… oh, here it comes again, get **_down!_**

SAM: Doctor, we'll have to press on.

HOFFMAN: Hansel, it's all right. Nothing can hurt you here; you're in a safe place. Go back further… you're getting younger…

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And later, after the three do some necessary plodding through Hansel's life…<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: (quietly) This is getting stranger. I have a <em>son?<em>

HOFFMAN: (quietly) Mr. Evans, you told me you knew about this. What were you expecting?

SAM: Not a double-agent to the Kaiser, that's for _damn sure._

HOFFMAN: All right, Hansel, you're safe and going back a bit farther still, and a bit farther. You're in a safe place, now go back to the time of your birth and a bit further, and back far enough to—

[Gentle music fades in.]

MAGGIE: (pleasantly) Yes, you were speaking to me?

HOFFMAN: Um… sprechen sie Deutsch?

MAGGIE: I'm not sure I understand you. Is that German?

SAM: Phew… okay, we've moved on…

HOFFMAN: Who are you?

MAGGIE: My name is Kitty… or is it? I must be having delusions of grandeur… oh, what a lovely portrait… (sadly) oh dear… why is he so late? Must I stay here? Or should I go… but where would I go? …I suppose… I suppose… I shall end it all, now.

SAM: Better catch this one before it fades. I have a feeling we're getting close.

HOFFMAN: Stay with us. Don't end it, Kitty. You mustn't fall away.

MAGGIE: Fall? I'm not going to fall… or am I? No, I shall drink this poison… or… shall I jump?

[George Shearing's rendition of "This Nearly Was Mine" bleeds in.]

HOFFMAN: Don't do either, just stay with us. Now where are you?

MAGGIE: I'm at Collinwood.

SAM: That's good, that's where we want to be.

HOFFMAN: Collinwood? (lowers voice) Mr. Evans it would really help me to know the name of the incarnation you're looking for.

SAM: That's the problem. She has to say it herself for me to be sure. Ask her why she's not sure who she is.

HOFFMAN: Kitty, are you sure that's who you are?

MAGGIE: Well, they also call me Lady Hampshire, but that's not what I call myself anymore.

HOFFMAN: What do you call yourself?

MAGGIE: Josette.

HOFFMAN: (shock) Josette?

SAM: The last name, we need the last name, Doctor.

HOFFMAN: What is your last name, Josette?

MAGGIE: Oh… dear… I'm not sure… that was another time, so much further back… or was it? What does the calendar suggest?

SAM: Josette… Savez-vous de moi?

MAGGIE: I'm not sure. Do I?

HOFFMAN: (lowered voice, confused) Mr. Evans, is that French you're speaking?

SAM: Only a little. Take Kitty back further. We're on the right track now.

HOFFMAN: Kitty, can you go further back? Back to-

MAGGIE: Barnabas Collins?

HOFFMAN: WHO?

MAGGIE: (quavering) He's here… in my room… I… no, it's her room. I've come to confront… (detestably) _her_.

HOFFMAN: What's going on?

MAGGIE: (distraught) He's here. NO! Don't come near me! I can't fight _both_ of you!

HOFFMAN: Both of who?

MAGGIE: Barnabas AND Josette.

HOFFMAN: Josette?

MAGGIE: _A girl who died 100 years ago!_

HOFFMAN: _ONE_ hundred? What year is it, Kitty?

MAGGIE: It is… 1897. And I am Lady Hampshire…

HOFFMAN: Yes… yes you are… now. Go back further… don't worry. Nothing can harm you. Go back in time to your childhood… keep getting younger…

[Music fades out.]

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And as I continue to collect <em>more<em> names we find that our poor and worn out soul has finally suddenly shifted back to something very sinister indeed in her current lifetime.

* * *

><p>[Dark Shadows brooding music.]<p>

MAGGIE: (angry) No! I'm Maggie Evans, that's who I am. I'm Maggie… Maggie… Maggie! Why is he keeping me here? Why doesn't he know who I am? My entire personality is meaningless to this… this… **leech!**

HOFFMAN: I'm going to take her out of this.

SAM: No, Doctor. She's fighting something. There's something blocking the other lifetime.

HOFFMAN: How can you be so sure?

SAM: Trust me, Doctor, we're getting to more than one truth here.

HOFFMAN: I don't know what you're after, Mr. Evans, but if it wasn't for the _four of you_ pushing me, I'd have quit over an hour ago. The human body isn't a time machine.

SAM: No, Doctor. The human _body_ is not.

MAGGIE: Leeches… why does that remind me of something… like being _ill_… ? And why… Josette Collins… no… not Josette _Collins_… That's not my name. I'm Maggie Evans! Maggie! MAGGIE! (fragmenting more) Willie? Willie? No… no he's left me… no he's gone… No… he's left me waiting here. (gasping) Why has he left me waiting here? (gasp)

[Steps on the stairs]

Maggie: (terrified) … he must be coming up… I've got to calm down…

SAM: Who's coming up?

MAGGIE: It's… Barnabas Collins.

[Music fades out.]

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: <em>Holy smoke of the underworld!<em> I knew he was _evil_ but even **_I_** didn't know how evil he could be… That certainly _wasn't_ polite. I'm not sure I'd want to play another round of bridge with him knowing he'd locked her up… or… maybe I would… _no_, only in my dreams. As you likely can imagine, Sam Evans upon hearing that his ages-gone potential son-in-law became a vile, kidnapping wretch, is well… not pleased.

* * *

><p>HOFFMAN: Mr. Evans control yourself- you'll likely break her out of the trance and this could all end right here. Is that what you want?<p>

SAM: (angry) Oh… I don't know why he would _do_ that. That wasn't the man I knew.

HOFFMAN: What?

SAM: That isn't the man I know. Anyway, (sighs) give her some time. Now, what I need for you to do, is keep _that_ intact, and then we'll go back to Kitty and try again, understand?

HOFFMAN: Mr. Evans… what do you want me to do? Have her** bookmark** it or something?

SAM: Maybe I was wrong… maybe she isn't the girl I thought she was… but then, why all the other flashes of insight? And why on earth didn't he do more than show her that _crummy_ music box? The room might of done it, but not by force. She was never there very long anyway. She's right… he didn't remember much about her at all.

HOFFMAN: What in the world are you talking about Mr. Evans?

SAM: (sighs agitatedly) Just some history research, Doctor … you know, your old specialty?

HOFFMAN: Thanks. Now… do you seriously want to continue this?

SAM: Well, those kidnapping memories are out now, and I'm not sure what could have kept her from remembering that earlier… You know something? When she goes back farther, let me handle it.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) If you insist… I just hope you know what you're-

MAGGIE: (calmly) Bonsoir…

[Ennio Morricone's "Lolita" bleeds in.]

HOFFMAN: What?

SAM: (stunned) Doctor… I think it worked…

HOFFMAN: What worked?

SAM: That's what was blocking it. It was the trauma she repressed. She worked so hard at not being a faux Josette, why on earth would that have helped reminding her that she was… Tell me, ma petite demoiselle, who are you?

MAGGIE: (spacey) Mon nom est Josette DuPres… [Different line in audio]

HOFFMAN: No, that can't be…

SAM: And Josette, what year is it?

MAGGIE: The year is...is…

SAM: (quietly urging) Come on girl, you can tell me.

[Music fades out.]

MAGGIE: The year is 1795…

SAM: **Bingo**. … Now… where are you?

MAGGIE: At Collinwood.

HOFFMAN: (shock) No… that's _impossible_.

SAM: Josette… Josette… Look at me. Do you know me?

MAGGIE: Papa? Why… your face is so… hirsute…

SAM: (chuckling) Yes, it is a bit more… now, look around where you are… What do you see?

[Lolita (finale) by Ennio Morricone bleed in and overlaps as dramatic lines go on.]

MAGGIE: A cliff… That I was taken to… It was (break up in tears) to find…

SAM: What's going on? What's happening?

MAGGIE: (totally tears) I will miss you Papa… but I… don't want to become (tears) … a monster… like… like…

SAM: No… not again. Josette… don't!

MAGGIE: No! Stay away from me! I've seen what I will become!

HOFFMAN: (stunned) I've heard all this before…

MAGGIE: … but I… I just want… NO! I can't become **that**… and yet… Oh …my… oh… (screams, jerks, then gasps) [Screams!] (Hyperventilating) Oh… where am I? What—

HOFFMAN: Are you all right?

MAGGIE: Well… well, I… I think so… but I'm not sure…

SAM: Maggie?... Josette?

MAGGIE: Pop?... Papa?

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And at precisely the same moment of this awakening, we have another one.<p>

* * *

><p>ANGELIQUE: (gasping awake) Oh… where am I? What is this…? <em>so dark…<em> (thumps three times) Out! Let me out!

[sound of coffin opening]

BLAIR: Shhh! Not so loud…

ANGELIQUE: Nicholas... Why did you put me in here? Do help me up.

BLAIR: My pleasure… now, venture over here to the mirror and take a look at how gorgeous you are.

ANGELIQUE: Nicholas, I've got to be in the wrong spot… I only see you in the… Nicholas? Nicholas? (screaming in terror) WHAT… HAVE… YOU… **_DONE!?_**

BLAIR: Hush, my dear. Perhaps we could have your likeness painted so you could see it? Or… well, maybe not. Why repeat the same old errors?

[Dark Shadows curtain fall music.]

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And also, at The Old House, as Sarah and her brother investigate her room more after a game of which-hand-is-the-coin-in.<p>

* * *

><p>SARAH: Hmm, this isn't the same bedspread I remember. It looks the same, though. Barnabas, why is so much of this all worn down?<p>

BARNABAS: (pleasantly) Don't you know? You've given me the impression that you always know more than you let on.

SARAH: It's not that simple. The things I know come and go… oh…

BARNABAS: What is it?

[thunder claps and rolls]

SARAH: They're awake now… they're all awake.

BARNABAS: Sarah… who's awake?

SARAH: Maggie and Josette and—

BARNABAS: Josette? How?

SARAH: And the other one… the lady who gave you the tea… for me.

BARNABAS: Angelique?

SARAH: That's her name. I told you to keep your wits about you… don't lose hope… I'll be here… mostly.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And later on at the Evan's Cottage, a quite perturbed Maggie does NOT want a cup of coffee.<p>

* * *

><p>MAGGIE: (shakily) No thanks… oh… I wanted to know so bad and as usual… as soon as you find out what you wanted to know so bad… you wish you didn't.<p>

SAM: I'm sorry… maybe it would have been better if we just had them all erased somehow.

MAGGIE: Then it would have all been for nothing. It's as though… (exhales)… A grands maux, grands remèdes?

HOFFMAN: What was that?

SAM: "Desperate diseases must have desperate remedies. "

HOFFMAN: (annoyed at herself) I should have _known_ that one.

MAGGIE: If he just could have remembered who I really _was_… or cared about who I am _now!_ Although… it's not as if I would have cared for _that_ version of him… In any case… It's like men don't want a companion. I don't know why playing with dolls is considered such a feminine activity. Oh… sorry, Pop.

SAM: That's all right… I know what you mean. But I guess that works both ways, even in simple friendships.

MAGGIE: Yes… and I suppose Kitty… and Josette… (halts with slight weeping gasp)

SAM: Maggie?

MAGGIE: Oh, (weepy), saying the names… as if they were two other people…in third person… it's just that (sobbing speech) They're _not _third person anymore… they're… they're… they're _me_.

SAM: I know. It's going to be all right… I promise.

MAGGIE: Thank you, Pop… Doctor Hoffman, will you stay a while? I'm not sure I can sleep much with so many memories to other lives in my mind… these two in particular. Mind if we head to my room, Pop?

SAM: That's fine. I think a kidnapping, a cliff fall, drinking poison and then having both the flu epidemic _and_ World War One combined is enough for you tonight, my dear… oh…Wait a second.

[metallic clinking]

HOFFMAN: Wha- Why are you taking my medallion?

SAM: No more of _that_ nonsense for tonight…

HOFFMAN: After _all that_? Well, I should say-

SAM: J-u-s-t humour me, Doctor.

HOFFMAN: (irritated) Fine.

[door shuts, metal clicking, pocket rummaging]

SAM: I'll just keep that right here. _And…_ maybe I'll head out and have more than words with that Mister-… Hmm… what's this? (deep breath) Oh… Captain's compass… hmm, he must be in a mix up, too. Why on earth is it _spinning_ like that?

[tapping noises, harp ripple]

GREGG: Phew! Oh my goodness… Andre… thank heavens I gave you that thing. I don't know where that woman put me but it wasn't a sound vessel.

SAM: (irritated sigh) Hello… Captain.

GREGG: Andre? There's no need to look at me like that after what I've been through for _your_ sake.

SAM: (sighs) All right, but mind you, I've got a doctor in there with my daughter so this might not be the best time.

GREGG: Well, all they might hear is you, my friend. As you know, no one can see or hear me unless I wish it.

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And in Maggie's room…<p>

* * *

><p>HOFFMAN: Do you think he's all right?<p>

MAGGIE: He's just really upset, sometimes he'll even holler at himself, best leave him alone.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And later on, after Captain Gregg and his friend hash out the details…<p>

* * *

><p>GREGG: It doesn't sound like you clearly remember everything you told me, Andre. Didn't you say it was a bloody <em>woman<em> who made all these dreadful things happen? (pauses, steps) Well, if nothing else, at least you can do some good with what you earned for that painting.

SAM: Oh, destroy that thing. (stomps over)

GREGG: (slap on wood) _Belay_ that action, sir! You and I went through a lot together just so this booty could reach you. Don't you _dare _throw it away!

SAM: Pick up your hand and let me have that. How can I accept it from him, even to give away as a charitable donation?

GREGG: Because you almost _died_ again, in one capacity or the other… and this incident brought us back together somehow. I may never have known you once more if you're memories hadn't been unlocked already… physical _and _spiritual. That anger gave you something unique of most mortal men, André Du… Sam Evans… so go ahead and _be_ angry.

SAM: (pissed) Well I sure am! But I can't do it. I won't! You hear me, yah **_spook?_**

GREGG: (crazy angry) **_MAIL THE CHECK, ANDRE!_**

SAM: Why don't **_you _**_do it_ if you're so hot about it?! The envelope is already filled out and stamped anyway.

[sound of paper rustling]

GREGG: Don't ask me how I sealed the envelope.

SAM: No, you're clothes are probably still damp enough you could use your shirt sleeve. You go ahead… without me.

GREGG: (determined) Oh, no Dupres, _none_ of that. You need a**_ blasted_** walk.

[door opens and shuts, footsteps]

GREGG: Now, tell me, why don't you remember what happened that night? You told me yourself he'd been cursed by _that woman_ who wreaked havoc on everyone involved. You knew more than I can sort out about it all.

SAM: Daniel Gregg, I'm hardly in any capacity _close_ to what I was then. I had no idea it was going to be as… mixed up as it was.

GREGG: But you knew it was going to be mixed up, Andre. You _knew_ that.

SAM: (practically growling) Daniel, I don't know who to be more upset at, a pseudo-ex-vampire whom I'd once approved for a son-in-law, or… the hackneyed sorceress who made him that way.

GREGG: Well, you know where my loyalties lie. I was never a feminist… except, somewhat lately.

SAM: (scoffs) Yes, I do recall… now. Well here it is.

GREGG: Go ahead and do it. Put that money where your actions have been. One small little piece to anyone else who might be going through what _you've_ been going through.

SAM: I can't touch the handle, Daniel. I just can't.

GREGG: Then allow me.

[blue mailbox door squeaking open… flitter… slam]

GREGG: (determined) And, remember, I may have opened it for you. But you _mailed_ it. _Now_… we can have that drink.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And the long night continues, as the Captain leaves after his glass of Madeira and Doctor Hoffman exits Maggie's bedroom.<p>

* * *

><p>[door closing]<p>

HOFFMAN: Well, that should be over and done with I guess.

SAM: Isn't it?

HOFFMAN: Mr. Evans… you know what scares me about her? Now that it's all out in the open, through all of that pain? She **still** loves him. She **still** misses him. She kept saying so as she drifted off to sleep.

SAM: She would, Dr. Hoffman. They were betrothed, after all.

HOFFMAN: Were they… really? (sighs) Anyway, she's finally asleep. It's been a long night.

SAM: Gets longer, Doctor. Have a seat. I need to know what you know. You didn't seem as shocked as I expected at hearing about the kidnapping… and… I might as well know everything.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Well…

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And as you can imagine, upon the famous afghan, Doctor Hoffman gives Sam Evans her version of how she became involved in Barnabas Collins life through Maggie, likely leaving out certain details as to any guilt that can be placed upon her.<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: GOOD LORD! I'm glad that stopped. Why would you put up with all that, or do you particularly like being a man's <em>throttle doll<em>?

HOFFMAN: (snorts) I don't know, I think I was obsessed with my plans of curing him and then just got obsessed with _him_.

SAM: Well, _sheez,_ who wouldn't? _A hundred and seventy years in a coffin_? Poor man.

HOFFMAN: (surprised) Poor man?

SAM: Yeah, I know, I can't believe I said it either, but as you may be speculating, I know him _a lot more_ than you might think… heck, more than I thought I did. Though I was certainly wrong about him being a reincarnation…of… himself. Can you imagine it, I mean, really… _imagine it?_ So many of the inventions we take for granted thrown into his life all at once?

HOFFMAN: I know. No cars-

SAM: (surprised) Cars? Not even that, the man probably never saw a damn _steam engine!_ (snort) Toilets, telephones and good heavens… _air_planes!

HOFFMAN: Mmm, hmm! Pop-up toasters, plastic bags…

SAM: How about just plastic?! AND PHOTOGRAPHS! No wonder he keeps hiring me. At least paintings he can understand. Then colour photographs, movies and television!

HOFFMAN: Flashlights, paperbacks, canned goods, aerosol sprays, electric razors…

SAM: How does the man _shave?_

HOFFMAN: You know, I've actually never seen him do it? Maybe all his hair just doesn't grow or something.

SAM: Goodness… I wonder at his reaction to a record album.

HOFFMAN: Ah, that was a little sweet, in fact. I remember he said Miss Winters was picking out some classical music that she liked. He recognized that. It didn't exactly startle him, but it _did_ have a profound effect.

SAM: I'll bet it _did_!

HOFFMAN: Yes… I believe it helped Barnabas to recapture a lot of what he'd misplaced in his mind. So, of course, he really wanted a record player but… you know, the whole electricity thing over there.

SAM: (stunned) Electricity… Our lights must have put a good _singe_ on his _retinas_ for a while… (jovially) Ever show him an 8-track cartridge?

HOFFMAN: (Weary) Mr. Evans we could discuss this endlessly.

SAM: Tell me about it. The worst part is that box, and lying comatose in it that long. No wonder he couldn't remember Josette for who she really was. It sparked up and became a violent obsession… like a moth in a flame… that burned us all.

HOFFMAN: How are you handling this, Sam? You really seem like you've calmed down to the point of forgiving him.

SAM: Well, the culture shock is no small potatoes. I've had enough of my own in the last two weeks of supernatural broo-ha to believe almost anything. But the curse and the coffin gives me the creeps. And Cassandra or Angelique or whatever she wants to go by hasn't managed to win any sympathies from me yet. There is _no way_ I can believe in a love that tries to destroy the person entirely, and then purposely wreaks more destruction on the friends and family too.

HOFFMAN: Isn't that what Barnabas Collins tried to do to Maggie?

SAM: Not exactly, but where do you think he'd picked up that kind of trait, at least for a while? The difference is he managed to stop. She just _keeps going_… If he became that horrible, I'm not sure I _want_ to know what happened to Angelique… even more so. That's the thing about words and actions, they do affect people and their behaviour changes a lot. (sighs) It's a matter of exposure, you know.

HOFFMAN: I thought I was the psychologist.

SAM: Right, and didn't you change coming to this crazy place? (snort) A bit more of a mess than your well ordered, hygienic snake pit at Wyndcliff, isn't it?

HOFFMAN: Hmmph… So why is everything changing now?

SAM: Because we're sharing up the pieces and we have a few… ghosts to play with, Doctor Hoffman… that's including ourselves. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of wisdom can work wonders.

HOFFMAN: Is that another French expression, Mr. Evans, about wisdom?

SAM: Eh, I think I just made it up… however this world has been around long enough with enough people in it, I'm sure it's been said before. As for Barnabas Collins it sounds like he's… what is that word…? For becoming used to another places customs… or the weather?

HOFFMAN: Acclimate? I guess he has, especially with Sarah's blessing. If she's back he must have made her _queen_ of that place. Mr. Evans, do you think Maggie will ever want to see him again?

SAM: I have my doubts, but she's a unique girl, in either period. She doesn't like being thought of as a doll or an object. I guess that's why she sent poor Haskell packing. He almost could have gotten her if he hadn't started trying to control her too. Not that I mind… now… (confusedly) as he's begun to remind me of someone else from a long time ago.

HOFFMAN: I'm pretty sure I've figured out why you've been driving so hard at all this… and maybe with a coach and four instead of a car.

SAM: (amiably) Wouldn't you like to know… sister?

HOFFMAN: (smiling sigh) No… I think I'm ready to move on.

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: Amazing… who ever thought Sam Evans could be so very wise?<p>

MILLIGAN: Perhaps it's because he's a combination now, a further duality can change a person. And now we meet with a somewhat shaken Tom Jennings, arriving at the main house of Collinwood with some news.

* * *

><p>ELIZABETH: Oh, hello, Mr. Jennings, rather late isn't it?<p>

TOM: Well, I felt the need to get this news to Mr. Collins. Is he here?

ELIZABETH: Oh he turned in fairly early.

[steps]

LILY: (delighted, as usual) Why, hello. What a dashing young fellow.

ELIZABETH: Oh, Mr. Jennings, this is my cousin Lily (under breath) please excuse her attire, she has somewhat of a fetish for peculiar costumes.

TOM: (off-handedly) Oh, that's all right. I've seen it _all_ today. Good to meet you, ma'am.

LILY: And I you, but my, aren't you a bit troubled looking?

TOM: Well, I was working on the Seaview property and you won't believe this, but, well, Mrs. Stoddard, are you prepared for a rather _unusual_ tale?

ELIZABETH: Ah, Mr. Jennings, with my own recent happenings… I think I have built up somewhat of an immunity for the strange and unusual. Won't you come this way?

TOM: Thank you. (steps) Well, I was expecting some equipment to be delivered but then this **sassy** guy walked in… had a tailored suit, dark hair, black moustache and a grin fit to wilt the garden.

ELIZABETH: Oh? Sounds like someone I've met. What did he want?

TOM: Oh, he had something dastardly in mind, I'm sure. Seemed to walk around like he _owned_ the place.

ELIZABETH: Well, he doesn't, thank heavens. But you don't look as though this was really a single man that shook you up.

TOM: Oh, no it wasn't. As I was telling the guy to leave… in so many words… (clears throat suggestively) those noises in the house kept getting more and more extreme, and well… The two of us got a chewing out by this _other_ fellow up the stairs. Couldn't believe the _beard_on the guy. With all the facial hair I've seen today I think I'll keep a sharp razor.

ELIZABETH: Oh, dear. What did the other man say?

TOM: Oh, he had a LOT to say. He called the first guy Blair and scared him enough to make him just about tap dance out the door.

ELIZABETH: My goodness! I know that name… Then what?

TOM: Well, I was almost out the door myself, but then he asked me to come back. He told me he was the inhabitant of the place, mentioned a bunch of names and gave me a few pointers of what to keep _in_ the house and what to take out of it. He wasn't so bad after Blair left. Claimed his name was Caleb Collins.

ELIZABETH: Oh… my… I think you may have stumbled on to…

TOM: A family…

ELIZABETH: **Ghost**, Mr. Jennings, or did you see anything to indicate otherwise?

TOM: Wow… I thought you were going to think I was out of my mind.

ELIZABETH: That's why I made the suggestion first. I wanted to at least give you that benefit for your confidence. (sighs) What a week… I'm very sorry about that. We didn't think there would be anymore… disturbances over there. If you like we could pay you for the work and a little extra since it's obvious you won't want to go back there.

LILY: (cheerfully helpful) Oh, Lizzie, why not? In fact, we should have Mr. Jennings introduce us. Ghosts can be _very_ helpful creatures if you know how to communicate with them and besides; he's family, isn't he?

ELIZABETH: Lily, please. What I know of Kooky Caleb… excuse me, Caleb Collins, is he didn't like strangers and wasn't all that fond of his relations either. I don't think he had a single friend in the world.

TOM: Oh? What about now?

ELIZABETH: I'm sorry. I don't quite follow you, Mr. Jennings. What _about_ now?

TOM: He has me.

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: That<em> is<em> something! Looks like every time Blair gets thwarted he manages to patch up relationships. That's somewhat polite for a demon, isn't it, Master?

MILLIGAN: Not intentionally, my twisted pixie, not _on purpose_. What with everyone so tired now we must venture into the following day, as Barnabas and his sister explore the ocean view together once again. Sarah manages to get caught up in some play time of her own after pointing out one particular individual on the cliffs for her brother to talk to.

* * *

><p>[oceans waves]<p>

BARNABAS: Ah, Carolyn, how are you?

CAROLYN: Oh! Pardon me. I wasn't sure anyone else knew about this spot.

BARNABAS: I haven't come out here in some time.

CAROLYN: Yes, it's bit hard to ignore Widow's Hill from here, but one can manage. Who was that with you?

BARNABAS: Well, if your Uncle Roger hasn't told you, let's just call her an out of town relative, shall we?

CAROLYN: Oh, aren't you worried she'll fall or get a sticker in her foot?

BARNABAS: (with happy relief) I can assure you I am not. I don't believe anything can hurt her now.

CAROLYN: (contemplative) Oh… hmm… I think… I think I understand. Why don't you have a seat?

BARNABAS: Thank you. (sits)

[ocean waves roll for a few moments]

CAROLYN: You've been pretty occupied lately.

BARNABAS: As have you… it's noticed that Mr. Peterson and you have been seeing a great deal of each other.

CAROLYN: Oh, yes… it's been wonderful. He really seems to get me.

BARNABAS: Get you?

CAROLYN: Well, when I've been out with other fellows it's usually been formality and flattery and no one asks if there was much I wanted to do…

BARNABAS: Are you sure about that?

CAROLYN: (sighs) Not exactly… but… well, Tony, he… he was able to get me talking somehow. We were out here oh, was it a month ago? Anyway, later on things just began turning around so fast… like a bat out of- erm.

BARNABAS: (amused) … Hell?

CAROLYN: Sorry, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: (snorts) It's all right. Go on.

CAROLYN: Anyway, we got caught up in helping someone, then by proxy helping someone else and all the while, as we went, we were suddenly sharing life ideas.

BARNABAS: What kind of ideas?

CAROLYN: Oh, plans about… about… what we wanted to do – but not the kind where you map out your entire life with marriage or a house, or cars. More, what you would like to do everyday, or just now. Have you ever thought about that?

BARNABAS: Well… I didn't used to. I saw a sea of eternity stretching out to the horizon.

CAROLYN: Did you try watching boats?

BARNABAS: Boats?

CAROLYN: Uh-huh, look at that one.

BARNABAS: It's a schooner, isn't it?

CAROLYN: Yep, getting a bit risky over there, but I'm sure it'll manage. Anyway, the boats tend to go across here, not a lot of cargo, but enough. It simply goes along the coast with gentle grace, running into occasional snags, but making its way well enough. No major challenges, no wandering over the Atlantic.

BARNABAS: You're right. There is a certain elegance there. Why do you mention watching the boats?

CAROLYN: It's something you could try. Stop looking toward the horizon so much. The waves on shore, the breeze through the plant life… Couldn't that be enough?

BARNABAS: It could… funny… here you are giving me advice, but I meant to try and be of some help to you.

CAROLYN: Help me? How?

BARNABAS: I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed seeing you happy. And… I wanted to ask if you could ever forgive me.

CAROLYN: For what?

BARNABAS: (sigh of reluctant relief) Well, that's settled, then. If you don't remember…

CAROLYN: I do remember… most of it. I suppose I was rather vicious back then anyway.

BARNABAS: Hardly. Maybe before, but if _my_ mother was going to marry such a greedy charlatan, I myself might have found someone of wayward persuasion and gallivanted about. That was a coping mechanism. But me—

CAROLYN: Oh? You haven't been overwhelmed? Sleeping and chained up, then getting thrown into the middle of a world filled with rumbling machines, women doctors, zippers, and electric lights?**_ I_** might have gone mad from the shock. I remember the story you told Dr. Hoffman. You barely got half of it right, until Victoria came back out of that frightful séance.

BARNABAS: (aggrieved) I wasn't much better after that either. It was unforgivable.

CAROLYN: I don't think you need my forgiveness, Barnabas. But I'm willing to give it if you can manage to be forgiven by someone else.

BARNABAS: Who?

CAROLYN: Maggie.

BARNABAS: Oh…

CAROLYN: You've got to tell her. She has to know.

BARNABAS: How did you know about that?

CAROLYN: I may not have a fancy degree, Cousin, but I'm not stupid. If I hadn't thought you'd changed, though, I wouldn't even suggest it to you. Someone _had_ to have kidnapped her. If it was Willie Loomis you must have known, and if it was you… well, I suppose I'm asking you _and_ Maggie for quite a challenge. If she doesn't know soon she'll eventually remember. That's what happens when you _bury_ things, Barnabas; something else grows in its place, and it might not be what you'd like.

BARNABAS: I see your point, deeply. Well, as of last night, I think Doctor Hoffman may be helping her to find out about that.

CAROLYN: (surprised) No… Really? And you approved of this?

BARNABAS: With reservations, (lightly thankful) but I had a very kind person persuade me.

CAROLYN: I think your gaze in that direction explains it all. That little girl must be Sarah… and she must be a ghost, and, if the family diaries have explained anything to me, she must be your sister, too.

BARNABAS: No, Carolyn. You are most assuredly _not_ stupid.

CAROLYN: Thank you. I think you've finally managed to earn some respect from me.

BARNABAS: And I thank you. Your advice is quite sound, indeed... Hmm… Well I suppose since we've indulged in total honesty… you may… need… to … accept… something else that might disturb you.

CAROLYN: Oh no… What is it now?

BARNABAS: (whispers in her ear)

CAROLYN: What? Jason? He didn't leave town?

BARNABAS: (whispering)

CAROLYN: Willie was there? And… oh! … You mean… he's _never_ coming back? Jason McGuire is never coming back?

BARNABAS: Yes. I'm afraid I hadn't much choice at the time.

CAROLYN: (stunned) You? Took? Down? Jason? Mcguire?

BARNABAS: Yes. I thought you might have known, but I don't believe there was any evidence of that.

CAROLYN: (exasperated) Why? How could I ever forgive you for _that_?

BARNABAS: (sorrowfully) I thought not.

CAROLYN: (shuddering) I … I can only _thank you_ for it!

[ruffling clothes of a hug]

BARNABAS: Well, good heavens!

CAROLYN: Oh, Cousin Barnabas… what did we ever _do_ without you?

BARNABAS: I have wondered that.

CAROLYN: Well don't wonder too much. You might end up like Victoria, slip into the past and find out!

BARNABAS: Indeed! Well, shall I leave you to your view?

CAROLYN: No… let's just sit here for a little while.

[ocean waves fade out]

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: Now that was chilling sweetness.<p>

MILLIGAN: Yes… maybe I _could_ play another round of bridge with him… except…

HECUBUS: Except what, Master?

MILLIGAN: I'm afraid the rest of his day won't turn out so very well, as Dr. Hoffman arrives at the Old House with her report. But first, a little discussion between brother and sister.

* * *

><p>BARNABAS: (gentle, loving) Have you having a good time, my dear?<p>

SARAH: Oh, yes. I wish I could stay longer.

BARNABAS: Why can't you?

SARAH: I'm afraid that isn't how it works. It's a curious place where I've been.

BARNABAS: (thoughtful) Is it? I suppose I will discover it myself one day.

SARAH: You could come if you want, but I'd rather you didn't.

BARNABAS: (kindly) What do you mean? Be a guest in some stately home you've got there?

SARAH: No. I'm afraid that if you did come, you couldn't be a guest. You'd have to be a… a…

BARNABAS: A resident?

SARAH: Yes. But we'd be together you know. I'd make sure of that.

BARNABAS: Oh? I oft'times wonder why you are called a ghost. To me you'll always be an _angel._

[door knocker hits]

BARNABAS: Hmm, I suppose my usually trusty butler is unavailable…

SARAH: I'll get it.

[squeak of cushions, pattering footsteps, door opens]

HOFFMAN: Why, there you are. Sarah Collins, always a pleasure.

SARAH: Thank you, Doctor.

[steps, door shuts]

HOFFMAN: And how are you enjoying your visit?

SARAH: Very well, but I don't think you're really here to talk to me, are you?

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Correct, as usual, Miss Collins.

SARAH: Here's the doctor to see you, Barnabas. Now remember what I said, don't give up hope. There's always an answer to everything.

[steps treading into distance]

BARNABAS: That isn't a very reassuring expression, Julia.

HOFFMAN: You're right. What a contented smile that just dropped off your face. So, [sits] are you prepared for a shock?

BARNABAS: I've had so many good ones, I'm not sure how I will manage another bad one again.

HOFFMAN: Well, Mr. Evans wasn't really kidding when he made those wisecracks about reincarnation to you.

BARNABAS: Oh? Oh… Wait… then what _did_ he mean? What did you find out?

HOFFMAN: You've certainly got a genius for making romantic blunders.

BARNABAS: And you have a remarkable method for side-stepping the issue. (tremulous) What did your hypnosis session disclose about Maggie Evans?

HOFFMAN: (quiet tone) The girl you kidnapped… to force-feed an idea of being some china doll of the woman you loved, yes?

BARNABAS: (getting peeved) Yes… the point, Doctor?

HOFFMAN: She actually_ is_… the woman you loved.

["Carnival of Souls" vocal version by Verne Langdon as closing theme]

* * *

><p><span>The Carnival of Souls<span>

_If your world has crashed around you, and your hopes and dreams are gone;_

_If you wish your life was over, but it drags you on and on,_

_Then lock up your heart forever, with all your ruined goals._

_Throw away the key; come along with me to the Carnival of Souls._

_It's an easy thing to cash in, all your chips and buy a ride._

_And the kind of life you lead doesn't leave that much to hide._

_When your flame grows dim with darkness, and alas, a lone bell tolls,_

_Listen well to me: that bell tolls for thee from the Carnival of Souls._

_But think twice before you enter. Once you're there, you can't return._

_For the world as you know it, has the hardest thing to learn._

_And the heartache and the sorrow, will stay warm like glowing coals._

_Yes it's sad but true, they're a part of you... in the Carnival of Souls._

* * *

><p>All Due Respect To:<p>

The Kids In The Hall

The Ghost & Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

Reincarnation research

And of course, Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

* * *

><p>Sorry, no Clue… I think Wadsworth is kind of busy with Professor Stokes…<p> 


	13. Episode 13: Balancing of The Humours

For Episode 13 we have Dr. Julia Hoffman and Barnabas Collins in a stare down of obstacles. Why DOES he love Josette and why is Maggie the key to that love? (Warning #1: Dr. Hoffman breathes a PG swearword, and since no one else would talk to me, Helena was in charge of allowing this swearword to happen. Thanks, sweetie.)

Next we have Wadsworth returning in this installment because after his evening with Professor Stokes, the latter has an ample idea of why Wadsworth and Willie Loomis should meet. (Warning #2: If you listen to this you may never watch the motion picture "Clue" the same way again.)

Sam Evans as Andre Dupres and Maggie Evans as Josette Dupres must hash out the problems they have been facing while the coffee is on the perk, and of course, they will do it in the winning way their relationship as father and daughter has always be held.

Lily is correct in her determination that her cousin Elizabeth must meet with this helpful, if blustery ghost, Caleb Collins, and he has more to say to the both of them then they might have expected. However, Elizabeth grits her stalwart teeth and carries forward. With all of the haunting in her household, *nothing* will stand in her way of understanding the truth about Victoria Winters.

Meanwhile, Victoria Winters is designing handiwork with Morticia Addams after Uncle Fester and she have a few words. Morticia has knowledgeable and understanding things to say of Collinsport and its residents, as well as coming to the realization of *who* and *what* Victoria Winters truly is.

As Dr. Julia Hoffman reaches Barnabas again, via the help of Professor Stokes, she comes to understand what her best-friend is agonizing over and now that it has sent him to draw himself over the edge? She will confront that factor with everything she knows at all costs. (Warning #3: Please do NOT listen to this episode while driving. Dr. Julia Hoffman has taken Professor Stokes automobile and is using it like a mad thing.)

_Lily_ is with us, as always. _Addams Family_? I'm working with your people to try and keep you in the mix. _Bewitched_? You know how to time travel. _Ghost and Mrs. Muir_ fans? I shall try to get Captain Daniel Gregg back by Episode 18. So far The Muse is telling me that Sam Evans is driving to The Stephens home around that time, so I beg and applaud you to bear with me. Thanks.

* * *

><p><span>The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 13: A Balancing of The Humours<span>

_Though you may never see this… Kathryn Leigh Scott nee Kringstad; actress, writer and anecdotal marvel, this one is for you._

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Good evening! And welcome… one **MO'** time to the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan and we know that this episode is likely the one you want to get through quickly so I shall dispense with introducing my trusty manservant.

[boos and protests]

MILLIGAN: Oh all right, have it your way. This is all for _you_ in the audience anyway… Manservant HECUBUS!

[hoots, applause and a cough]

HECUBUS: Thank you, I'm here to serve my Master aaaaaaand… YOU! Our audience who likely enjoys darkness and a little something extra that goes with it!

[hurrays… Dark Shadows Theme Music plays]

MILLIGAN: Now, what is in the cards for tonight's episode?

HECUBUS: Well, we have a rather dazzling display for you_ this_ time, both dramatic and well, a few chuckles to be had. As Wadsworth has disappeared from Collinwood, not that his master minds, it seems that he has struck up an evening with Professor Stokes and spent time relaxing at his home to defer various stresses caused by the bouncing kiddies at their romp in The Old House.

MILLIGAN: Aye, love them as we might, the noise is a bit troublesome to the nerves, even for such a well cut man as our servant… whom we still haven't squared down as either a valet or butler, but as you've seen before, we have made quite a combination of things in this little pit of ours.

HECUBUS: There's also a small matter of Caleb Collins, Master, and if Tom Jennings will make the introduction Cousin Lily suggested to Elizabeth Stoddard.

MILLIGAN: Yes, I have a feeling he has a few cards up his sleeve… or maybe somewhere else on his slightly solid, slightly transparent person. (sighs) But now, we must endure more drama and perhaps a few platitudes, as Hoffman and Barnabas are in one of their usual uproars about who he loves and why. This of course, has to do with the shocking discovery that not only are Maggie Evans and Josette Dupres the same, but that he managed to injure them both due to his transformation of being one of the undead. What with being fairly out of his mind both times, this series of events is beyond embarrassing.

* * *

><p>BARNABAS: (sighs huffily) How could this have happened? Why didn't I know? I thought perhaps there was some kind of possession of Josette's spirit in there now… but this… this is <em>beyond reason<em>.

HOFFMAN: Again? Really? I've explained it as best I could, and even I don't half believe it after having seen it all for myself. (puzzling) I mean… If she was Josette all along… why didn't something trigger her coming out on her own?

BARNABAS: In all of my days… and all of my foul actions… I harmed her… I sent her away. Whatever powers she would have to help me I ended when I re-entered this house. I told her I claimed this house as mine. Her and my father's power had ended. I declared I was free to live the life I never had… whatever that may turn out to be.

HOFFMAN: (snarky) Ah… I s-e-e! Well, it turned out to be fairly ironic from the sounds of it. You banned Josette's _spirit _from the house… didn't you, Barnabas? If you did that in all of your petty angst, how WOULD Maggie have any triggers to remembering a previous life?

BARNABAS: (sourly) Yes… I did… for which I hope my heart may _spoil…_

HOFFMAN: (fed up) Oh, stop that self-defeating… aggrandizement, Barnabas… however much it suits you. The two of you are simply going to have to live with this… now… (sighs) What results do you expect from all of this?

BARNABAS: (resignedly) She'll likely come out with the Sheriff and that would be fitting.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) I don't think so. She knows too much and she knows it's too complicated.

BARNABAS: Of course she would. She's _always_ been that way… what else did she say on this?

HOFFMAN: She kept going on about what was important under any circumstances. She was clearly concerned over how horrible you had turned out. But stranger, between both lives, was her anger that you didn't care about who she really was and… she said… what would be more important than the human soul?

BARNABAS: (exhales with frustration) Of course! She would say that! So long have I been persuaded by her intellect, her ingeniousness… and yes, her wit! But the _spirit_ of her… the talent she has had for delighting in things of all matters, large and small.

HOFFMAN: How can you say that? What on earth do either of those girls have placed upon you? Why do you throw yourself into this companionship for so little?

BARNABAS: (indignant) LITTLE?

HOFFMAN: You wanted a china doll, Barnabas. When have you ever wanted anything more than that? What does Maggie OR Josette place on you? Why do you always go on about her so much?

BARNBAS: My mind was lost to me when I came out then… but I went back to her… because. It was _her_… sense of the divine…

HOFFMAN: Oh… you're joking! You continually go on about how perfect that damsel in distress is!

BARNABAS: (angrily) **_NO!_**

HOFFMAN: Well? Why _do_ you go on about her perfection so much?

BARNABAS: That's not what it is… she has… something more than that.

HOFFMAN: How dare you? How can you claim that? And what the HELL do you want with her anyway? She's likely cast you off as a man with no heart! I am _so tired_ of the perfection you already place on Maggie AND Josette. I'm tired of it! Why didn't you just let a story stop where it should stop? You already let Victoria go… and then you went back to Maggie again after I'd explicitly forbid it!

BARNABAS: (insinuating) And how did _that_ happen, Doctor? Why _didn't_ I listen to you?

HOFFMAN: Because… you were so confident… that I would do nothing… when I told you to stop seeing her again.

BARNABAS: Are you so sure that was me? Maybe having to confront her at that cost made all the difference.

HOFFMAN: (scoffs) I have _really_ had it… What in damnation is so perfect about her?

BARNABAS: I told you…it's not perfection… it's the… divine…

HOFFMAN: Oh HORSE-_S**T!_ I've been speaking to the both of them all night! What the hell is it about either of them that is so damned… perfect?!

BARNABAS: I didn't say perfect, did I, Doctor? I said divine… or don't you even know what that means?

HOFFMAN: Well, not what you mean by it, for all my imagination.

BARNABAS: Then it's not as fruitful as I thought.

HOFFMAN: Oh don't you side-step the issue with ME, Barnabas Collins. I told you that I talked to the both of them all night and I have a pretty good idea what might make either of them tick.

BARNABAS: Then I envy you, dearly, Doctor. For it is hard to explain what her own spell has cast over me.

HOFFMAN: Spell? You speak as though _she_ were the real witch here.

BARNABAS: Perhaps she is. Or did that never occur to you?

HOFFMAN: Do you really feel anything for either of them?

BARNABAS: _Everything_… did you think I wanted to make her into a mould caste of the perfect woman? Did you think I wanted to suspend her from a diamond chain to wilt as so many other women of that day and age? Awakening in this lifetime was beyond my expectations and I've had to ask myself repeatedly why I continued wanting her and only her? Why would I have risked what I'd already gone through with her if it wasn't for something else?

HOFFMAN: Oh… and what was that something else? To make more Collins offspring and perpetuate the madness of this estate?

BARNABAS: No… to **_change_** it.

HOFFMAN: (stunned pause) What? Change it? Well… A lot of women could do that… is that what you want?

BARNABAS: (calmer) I see where your thoughts lie. Now… take my hand, Julia. You've been a friend and faithful companion but look into my eyes and tell me honestly… do I love you as more than a friend… or… above this estate?

HOFFMAN: (calmly) … oh… no…

BARNABAS: And honestly, do I care for you resembling in anything close to how I love her?

HOFFMAN: (dejected) No.

BARNABAS: And therein lays the difficulty… and the impossibility.

HOFFMAN: But… what do they… what does _she_ have that wins your heart, really?

BARNABAS: Could it be nailed down to one thing? If you want more than beauty, charm, generousity, then how about humour?

HOFFMAN: (incredulous) Humour? Are you out of your mind? _That's_ it?

BARNABAS: And what propels us beyond the absurd, Doctor? You tell me. Humour? Or Drama?

HOFFMAN: (sighs)

BARNABAS: And what else would change the diabolical austerity of this estate? The drama or the humour?

HOFFMAN: Damn you. How did you come to that conclusion after all these years?

BARNABAS: I knew it before. I knew it at home here and with my parents and with all this place stood for… And I saw it again when I came back… now, Doctor… Do you see the point?

HOFFMAN: (sourly) I do… but I don't have to like it.

BARNABAS: Exactly. And what do you think about my choices now?

HOFFMAN: That you've turned out far better than I ever gave you credit for.

BARNABAS: (warmly) Thank you. I have been very fond of you, too.

HOFFMAN: Well then, tell me this. When you married Angelique did you ever think she could have made those changes?

BARNABAS: (snorts) Do you think she ever cared for other people above herself, really?

HOFFMAN: Not from the sounds of it. Not at all… and I guess Josette…

BARNABAS: Precisely, she _did_ … as does Maggie and… this _is_ the point. The estate, family, both, or myself… What would all that be combined without her?

HOFFMAN: I see.

[awkward silence]

BARNABAS: Shall I expect Mr. Evans to come over with a revolver?

HOFFMAN: (laughing cough) Well, he's sobered and situated. I don't think there's too much danger of that… surprisingly.

BARNABAS: We can only hope.

HOFFMAN: (worried) What? Are you serious?

BARNABAS: Nevermind… now, what about Maggie? Even with all her knowledge and understanding. Any glimmer on that account?

HOFFMAN: You ask too much of me. I don't know her future thoughts. I've merely unlocked her past ones.

BARNABAS: If I only knew what she went through, perhaps I could. I think it's time that I was alone again. But… I do thank you for all that you've done. It must have been terrifying and if I had been there I would hardly have improved the circumstances.

HOFFMAN: Barnabas, are you going to be all right?

BARNABAS: Doctor Julia Hoffman… I have my sister again… my family… what more can I ask for?

* * *

><p>MILLGAN: And so Dr. Hoffman very reluctantly leaves the Old House with certain plans to request assistance from another friend. Meanwhile… the friend she's looking for is a little busy. Professor Stokes and Wadsworth are now within Wyndcliff Sanitarium, after coming to an understanding during the previous evening.<p>

* * *

><p>WADSWORTH: I must thank you again for the generous offer to stay in your home Professor Stokes. I have to confess I was getting a bit affected at The Old House.<p>

STOKES: That's just as well. It was worth it to have all this explained. From what Dr. Hoffman told me about Mr. Loomis, I was pretty sure I'd finally found the right man. That Willie certainly has a peculiar history.

WADSWORTH: And don't I know it? But, Sir, are you sure this will work?

STOKES: I have little doubt about it. You have managed to perform some miraculous feats since you arrived at Collinwood, Wadsworth. I think Mr. Loomis being able to see you might do the trick, indeed. (opens door) Ah, Mr. Loomis, you look well.

WILLIE: (slightly shaky) Why, thanks Professor. I am a little… weary of the pen, though.

STOKES: Then I'm happy to inform you of a visitor. Someone you might know and I will leave you two alone to resolve everything.

[door shuts]

WILLIE: Well… I… I… d-don't I know you?

WADSWORTH: I am afraid you may. Does the name… Wadsworth have any special memories, Mr. Loomis?

[Quirky music from Clue bleeds in…]

WILLIE: (mounting horror) Ohh… oh! W-a-i-t… Wait just a second… Now that was a long time ago! Y'can't be bothering me with all that now. I did like you asked me and I stayed out of that house.

WADSWORTH: Yes, you did, Mr. Loomis. And that was all for the better as far as things go. As it turned out almost every single person who came to the door was killed.

WILLIE: No. No. You must be pulling my leg.

WADSWORTH: And no surprises that you high-tailed it out of there when the chief arrived.

WILLIE: Hey there, you see y'never told me no cops were coming, did ya? _Did ya?_ Yeh, cause you knew I wouldn't have stayed long if I'd a'known that.

WADSWORTH: Well, they weren't there for you, of course.

WILLIE: So… why are y'here anyway? Happy to see me locked up with the key thrown out?

WADSWORTH: No, Mr. Loomis. I'm here to help.

[Music fades out]

WILLIE: Help? How do you plan to do that? What's a guy like you doing out here anyway? Got a job at Collinwood or something crazy like that?

WADSWORTH: Yes.

WILLIE: (surprised) What? Oh, then you're obviously here to stay and be my bunkmate, aren't ya? The place is more looney tunes than here. Must have made _even you_ all cracked up… although, I gotta say I'd rather be there than here sometimes.

WADSWORTH: Mr. Loomis, I know this may come as a surprise to you but I actually have a job at The Old House of Collinwood.

WILLIE: (shocked) No… that's impossible. Why you…? How could…? Ya… Ya… Ya don't look bruised at _all_. You can't be as cool and easy as I knew you… if you're working for… Barnabas Collins.

WADSWORTH: But I am and there have been quite a number of changes there for the better.

WILLIE: (usual smirk-ability) HEH! A-hahaha! Now ya gotta _really_ be joshing me. There's no way all the problems could ever be solved out there… not even half of 'em!

WADSWORTH: Oh, you'd be surprised, Mr. Loomis. We men of service have our secrets, don't we?

WILLIE: Service? P'shh… I'm more an odd job man.

WADSWORTH: (pleasantly) Ah, it seems that would have changed as well. I've kept tabs on you in one way or another. When I'd heard you coming together with that character Mcguire, I was sure it was all over for you. But then, I heard that you were practically a man of all work later. Something had turned around. I almost wanted to come out here _then_ to see for myself. Of course, the other news came out and then I knew for sure I had a job lined up.

WILLIE: (scoffs) Oh… so keeping tabs on me to steal my job, eh?

WADSWORTH: No, not exactly. But I was quite curious as to why you'd gone down such a bad path again after changing direction as you did. Plus, from what I heard about the Collins family, and all its unbelievable circumstances, I knew it was the proper place for me to come.

WILLIE: (laughing) So that's it, is it? Wellll you must be as out of it by now as I got. With all that malarkey goin' down around there? I know ya thought ya could do some good at Hill House, and maybe ya did. I've had to deal with some blackmail in _my_ time. It ain't the nicest thing to do people.

WADSWORTH: Well, I'd say I managed to at least straighten out that trouble for five people out of six. Those are hardly bad figures.

WILLIE: Oh, yeh? Ah, ha-ha… well… then what a shock… to discover I helped with something that turned out _well_… But Collinwood. That place is somethin' else. You know that Barnabas is a… is a… well, (lowers voice) a vampire.

WADSWORTH: Less so now, I think.

WILLIE: Oh? And there's that Roger Collins… he's r-e-a-l-l-y uptight.

WADSWORTH: Not anymore.

WILLIE: (confused) Uh… well how about that Carolyn, eh? Still flinging the boys away?

WADSWORTH: No, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: (exasperated) Huh… well, well, what about Maggie's father in town? Sam Evans? Is he still drinkin' up all the booze at the Blue Whale? _He's_ probably dead by now.

WADSWORTH: You are incorrect about that, too.

WILLIE: (incredulous) Have you even BEEN to Collinsport, Wadsworth? There is no way that place could ever be happy. NO. WAY. I was there an' I know. If what yer tellin' me ain't scat, you have got to be from another planet all together.

WADSWORTH: Can you keep a secret-

WILLIE: **Yeh, yeh, I know, and so can you!**

[Quirky Clue music bleeds back in…]

WADSWORTH: If you can't believe me, Mr. Loomis, whom can you believe? I may not have told you some things but I don't remember ever lying to you. I thought that would have helped.

WILLIE: Eh… maybe it did for a while. You are such a darned charmer, you. Yep. Guess you ain't planning to pay for all the work I did, or the fact that those pesky dogs just about tore off my pants as I left.

WADSWORTH: If you like… I will be pleased to acquire a new set of trousers for you. And yes, seeing you better would make me very happy to reimburse you for the amount I owe and perhaps a little more besides, say as a bit of compound interest?

WILLIE: Well! You are full of surprises. You might as well _shock_ me into having to stay here _longer_.

WADSWORTH: That's my concern, Mr. Loomis. If you were all right you could come back with me. I think it's become a nicer place than you remember.

[Music fades out again…]

WILLIE: Ha, ha! What, no more spooks?

WADSWORTH: Well… perhaps less volatile ones. Now I'm not saying all is perfect, but I think you've been dearly missed.

WILLIE: If _you_ are telling the truth I'd be game, but there has to be something else to it than that.

WADSWORTH: Yes, we will have to allow our employer to make up his mind, as well as the staff here. But there is a challenge you will have to comply with.

WILLIE: AH-HA! I knew there was a catch… oh yeh, I just knew it!.

WADSWORTH: Can you imagine living in a good place, Mr. Loomis?

WILLIE: P'ff! No, actually, I can't. Do ya want me to try?

WADSWORTH: Would you be willing to live in a place that could be good if we worked hard to make it that way?

WILLIE: (snorts) You gotta be kiddin' me… Really, Wadsworth. You have got to be kiddin' me.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: Hmm… looks like our Wadsworth had a little something up his sleeve he didn't tell anyone.<p>

HECUBUS: Not only that, Master… he LIED!

MILLIGAN: OH! Well, perhaps it was more kept under his bowler hat than anything else. As far as I can recall he told Roger Collins that he didn't know Mr. Loomis at all… and when it comes down to that… _who really does?_

HECUBUS: Aw… I was hoping there was a little spark of something in our trusty butler.

MILLIGAN: You mean evil? Well there would have to be some knowledge of it if he managed to see Mr. Collins through the Adam and Dr. Lang period, of which we feel no real need to explore.

HECUBUS: Yes, Master! And that in itself is a little bit evil, isn't it? Our next stop explores the Evans home briefly, to see how our reincarnated Dupres are comprehending things.

* * *

><p>[percolator sounds in the background]<p>

SAM: Well… it's good to hear you laughing again. What a wild ride this has been and a lot of more to share on our old days, eh?

MAGGIE: (sighs) I know… and I understand how this could make you want to experience it with someone. It's too spectacular to be easily ignored. Why could it be that we or maybe I should say I, keep on coming back?

SAM: Well, I'm not sure you're ready for that information. I know I see it as something that needs to be straightened out.

MAGGIE: Well not with _him_. How I could ever trust him again escapes me.

SAM: Josette Dupres, you and I know, people can change. They really can. There has to be some reason the two of you keep trying through the ages and also without knowing it.

MAGGIE: (snorts) I don't think so… but… someday… I think I will have an answer to what's really been bothering me about all this… at least in the long run.

SAM: The very long run…

MAGGIE: Hmm… yes… But right now all I can think of is that dark place, and that room… which is confounding because as scary as it was… another part of me misses it for the _first_ time I was really there. And I have to admit, I miss the crate, too. I keep itching to go through it… after all this time, knowing it's still there. But… that's not going to happen now.

SAM: Well, if nothing else I'm sure we can have it sent. There's no doubt about it now. Everything in there is obviously yours. And he's got to know that by today.

MAGGIE: (footsteps) I'm going to sit on the porch for a while. I need some fresh air to think about all of this.

SAM: Sounds good, but Maggie? Can you put something else into your thoughts while you're out there?

[door opens]

MAGGIE: Sure, Pop. What is it?

SAM: He didn't do all of those terrible things because he wanted to. He did them because that friend of yours, Angelique, was no friend at all. What _she_ managed to do would set anyone to madness. She wanted him, destroyed both of our families, even if some was by proxy, and all because he didn't love her. He loved you.

MAGGIE: Hmm… (sigh) All right, Pop. (wearily) I'll add that to the pile.

[door shuts]

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: Ah, the Evans have deep troubles indeed. It will be interesting to see how they continue on in this manner. Now, onto our three individuals of the previous evening, who are entering the Seaview property in the hopes to find a ghost of crusty persuasion.<p>

* * *

><p>TOM: Mr. Collins? Mr. Collins?<p>

[thumping stomps]

LILY: (delighted as usual) Well that sounds promising.

[thumping stomps come to halt]

CALEB: (Maine accent with British elements) Good job, Mr. Jennings. I think you knew what your role really was in all of this.

TOM: (pricked) Hey… now… Mr. Collins… wait a second…

CALEB: (resignedly) Stop worrying, Tom, you'll get a headache. A'course, I still admire you… and your gumption. It's only natural.

TOM: (with a "whatever" flair) All right, Mr. Collins. I'll get back to… the cans…

[shuffles off]

LILY: Oh, Mr. Collins, we've been wondering… we have a dilemma and perhaps you could help us?

CALEB: Ahh-Duh… I am a ghost after all.

LILY: OH! I knew that! I have the utmost admiration for specters willing to do good.

CALEB: (incredulous) Good? In Collinsport? You really aren't a resident, are you, Mrs. Muenster?

LILY: Oh… that's Munster, Mr. Collins.

CALEB: Why do ye even go by Munster? That's a _French _cheese! And you're husband had relatives from England, right? Shouldn't it be Muenster?

LILY: Oh… I see your trouble there. It's… well… a little detail that got confused on... Ellis Island.

CALEB: (resignedly) A' course… it _would_ be. Now… as for you… my little mistress of the estate.

ELIZABETH: Oh? (self-composed) Uncle Caleb… _were_ you speaking to me?

CALEB: Ha-ha-ha! Ah, good! You're still as wondrous as ever, little Lizzie Collins.

ELIZABETH: And… you're… just as kooky… if I know the family history well at all.

CALEB: Oh, yeh! YOU DO! I knew if you had the nerve to come and speak to me… there might be something right going on around here.

ELIZABETH: I have earned a little stamina in my time… and I fully understand what it's like to be a recluse, as you may well know.

CALEB: Oh, don't I? Yes… you've impressed me. Cooping yourself up almost as well as I've done… a'course you impressed me!

ELIZABETH: Well… I'm sorry if any visitors here have caused you to be anxious. I can see why it might have done.

CALEB: Uh-huh! Yeh, I know… That Victoria you hired… what an ironic circumstance. I have to wonder if you picked her for David's governess on purpose.

ELIZABETH: No, Uncle Caleb, well, not exactly. And I must ask… what interests you about her anyway? She can't have been in this house more than… thrice.

CALEB: Ohhh… I overheard those two bickering over the fate of her at the bottom of my stairs. Both seemed _pretty_ protective.

ELIZABETH: Which two do you mean, Uncle Caleb?

CALEB: Pff! That Barnabas _and_ Burke Devlin! Comin' in here and sparing words like they were rival brothers over one damsel! That was hilarious fer me! I knew the history… _and_ fate of both of them at the time. Hilarious, I tell ye!

ELIZABETH: What were their fates?

CALEB: Oh, little Lizzie… Burke Devlin you know… but that Barnabas… sheesh, I could even call him MY Uncle! What a twisted spectacle of problems _he's_ got!

ELIZABETH: Well, Uncle Caleb. Suppose we forget about the rest of our certain family for now and concentrate on the… _unknown_ among them, yes?

CALEB: (self-assured) S-m-a-r-t girl, Lizzie… and ye always _were_. Why do you think I've been holding onto this house for so bleedin' long? Why do you think I've been watching you… and her? Why do you think I've been keeping all them so-dee bottles in the… well, maybe that's neither here nor there.

ELIZABETH: Uncle Caleb… I've come this far in believing the outrageous. Can _you_ tell me… is she mine?

CALEB: (sighs) Of course, she is, Lizzie… at least as far as I can figure.

ELIZABETH: (sighs thankfully) Well… is there anything else you can tell us?

CALEB: (teasing) Looking for Leslie… aren't you? Had the time of your life in New Brunswick, didn't you?

LILY: Oh, Mr. Collins, it wasn't like that. There is such a thing as permissible passion, you know.

CALEB: And aren't you the proof, Miss Drake?

LILY: Oh! Well… I suppose I did a bit of encouraging. You can blame me if you want… wait… I haven't used that name since… since we went on that trip!

CALEB: Uh-huh… I seen yer collection of passports and you might as well use the name and face on that one as not! None of your English relatives want to recognize you anyway. Make yerself inconspicuous, girl!

LILY: Oh! Well… I'd… been planning on it, Mr. Collins.

ELIZABETH: Uncle Caleb, can we please stick to the point? If you can't help us, I won't know if anyone else can.

CALEB: A-s-k me anything you want little Lizzie! As you can see… I ain't goin' anywhere.

ELIZABETH: And why not?

CALEB: (sighs) It's one of the standard contracts of the underworld. One hundred years in or around your own home, at least most of the time. And I _knew_ that, I tell ya, I knew that when I made out that will.

ELIZABETH: All right… let's say I believe you. Do you know… how Victoria is doing?

CALEB: Doing marvelously well, my dear, and sure to be on her way home soon.

ELIZABETH: Good. And now, where is Leslie?

CALEB: (annoyed) Why do you want to know about him, Lizzie? I already told ye! Victoria is yours or as good as yours! I knew she'd want this place and I knew she'd be ready for it by the time I was almost prepared to leave it!

ELIZABETH: Well, Uncle Caleb, you made out the will, didn't you? Don't blame me if I have to prove that she's worth it.

CALEB: Ye' got me again, little Lizzie Collins. I know… it's all my fault, as well it should be. (sighs heavily) He's in England and always was from there. Hee-hee-hee… just like your Cousin Barnabas… is NOT.

ELIZABETH: (agitated) Oh, Uncle Caleb, I don't _care_ right now. Why must you go on about him so?

CALEB: (laughing) It's hard not to.

LILY: Well, he's got _me_ curious.

ELIZABETH: Lily!

CALEB: Ha-ha-ha! Smart girls… _smart girls_. Always liked 'em… when they didn't interfere. Now, you mark your maps for Dover, y'see? Check the military registry and there you'll likely to find your Leslie.

ELIZABETH: Thank you… Uncle Caleb…

[shuffling]

CALEB: Just hold it, de-ah!

ELIZABETH: (turning about) What it is?

CALEB: You were right… not to tell your father. I wanted ye't'know that. Really. Jamison… he would _never_ have approved… nor understood… and wrongly so. You can blame it on young Quentin's influence if you want. Heaven knows _he_ had enough indiscretion in his life.

ELIZABETH: (sighs) Yes, I had a feeling. I do thank you, most sincerely Uncle. Now… anything else we should know?

CALEB: You'll want to get outta here soon. You girls don't need more to worry about with the pesky gargle of flotsam that's going to occur soon… (kindly) oh now, don't look at me like that. I tell ye' it's not going to make a peck of difference whether you're here for it or not. It'll just fret ye more and you have your own things to take care of.

LILY: (swish of skirts) You are most kind, sir.

CALEB: Yeh, yeh, y'take good care a'her… _this time_, Fromage!

[door shuts]

CALEB: Ah, Lizzie… my little sweet petunia.

TOM: Did you say something, sir?

CALEB: Yeh… how about I help you out with sorting those? And you can tell me about your family… at least… the parts I _don't_ know.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And later in Dr. Hoffman's office which keeps collecting <em>dust<em>.

* * *

><p>[phone rings, receiver clanks off]<p>

STOKES: Hello. I don't work here.

HOFFMAN: Well thank goodness you answered the phone! I've been calling all over the place for you! Professor, could you come to town right away? I'm very concerned about… one of my patients and it's a long way for me to walk.

STOKES: Well, I did have to look out for another person I brought here. I suppose I could have Miss Jackson let him know he can stay in your office.

HOFFMAN: Yes, I'll ring her and let her know. I'm at The Collinsport Inn. Please hurry.

[Phone hangs up]

HECUBUS: Oh dear, that sounded scary. However, we need to take a glimpse at the Addams Family homestead as Morticia is helping Victoria to learn some handiwork of the home economics variety.

FESTER: Say, Victoria, we're putting new metal works in the beds today. Wanna see how the frames can sometimes magnetize against my skull? It's a lotta laughs!

VICTORIA: (uncertain whether to chuckle or scream) Oh, um… well… I'm a little busy here, perhaps later.

[steps]

VICTORIA: I'm not sure how you all survive, Mrs… Morticia, but I must say it's a lot more warm-hearted here than where I come from.

MORTICIA: Oh, my dear… Collinsport has a warm heart, actually. It just hides it so much. It's simply afraid of itself in many ways, as we are not.

VICTORIA: Oh? How do you know that?

MORTICIA: A lot of contagion. Some of that haughty behaviour from one person can make others respond as though they truly do have something to hide, when they never would have thought so at first. Can you hand me the tassels, dear?

VICTORIA: Here. I don't understand. You mean when one person behaves haughtily, or insinuating, the others do as well?

MORTICIA: It doesn't start like that. It usually begins with someone in authority doing so to others. Eventually the response comes as deep self-consciousness, worrying over themselves. Then, it can twist into domineering actions over others, looking to eke out the same response in someone else. I think Collinsport only needs a little help.

VICTORIA: If only I could have provided that.

MORTICIA: Well! Again with that face, Victoria? Didn't you already make a few changes? I think your arrival there opened the people up somewhat. But the world is a big place. Resting it on your shoulders isn't wise, you know.

VICTORIA: (wistful cheer) You're right. In fact, now that I think about it, perhaps I managed to even change its past.

MORTICIA: Ohhh? Have you seen even more of that place than you let on? Perhaps… its history?

VICTORIA: Oh… well…

MORTICIA: Now, now. No need to be coy. You're not in Collinsport anymore.

VICTORIA: Well… you see, we were in the middle of a séance and something very strange happened. It wasn't a long time for anyone else in that room, but it was for me and I was… propelled, I guess you could say, into the past.

MORTICIA: (surprised) Oh? Really? _Really?_

VICTORIA: Then I had to truly endure that estate's history and find out all kinds of things.

MORTICIA: Oh my… oh my!

VICTORIA: Oh, Morticia. I know it's absurd, but you did want to know. I can see I've made you think I'm crazy or something.

MORTICIA: (excited) It's not that my dear! Oh… my… Grandmama! GRANDMAMA!

[shuffling]

GRANDMAMA: What is it dear? Don't get so flustered… unless you're enjoying it for the moment.

MORTICIA: We need you, Grandmama! It's Victoria! She… she… _she has the gift!_

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: And upon hearing this startling discovery we lead you The Old House again where Professor Stokes awaits the doctors prognosis over her patient by his car, as Hoffman and Barnabas square some things away.<p>

* * *

><p>BARNABAS: (world-weary) Well, I suppose it is for the best. I never did believe I would be alive for so long and it would be a good thing at this point… now that I can see the family has improved. It has been quite a journey we've taken Doctor… Julia.<p>

HOFFMAN: Oh, Barnabas. Damn you and this depression that's taken hold. What on earth can you be talking about? It's not like there is no hope at all.

BARNABAS: Oh, I do have hope. But not about her. However Maggie's own experience has taught me that if nothing else… there _are_ other avenues of existence to explore, and I think I've held them off for long enough.

HOFFMAN: You mustn't speak like that… this life still has joys to show you and you know that.

BARNABAS: It has other joys to show, but not as who I am now.

["Conclusio" by Stoa slowly bleeds into background]

HOFFMAN: (exhaling growl) Ohhh, I should have stood my ground when it came to Maggie. That ridiculous bet… so absurd!

BARNABAS: Bah! This is _no_ game of cards. At least if I were out of the way I could be with Sarah… for good.

[Steps, door opens,]

HOFFMAN: Where are you going?!

BARNABAS: I'm going to find out for myself _precisely_ what Josette went through.

HOFFMAN: No!

[door slams… stamping of foot, rustling of doorknob, door opens]

HOFFMAN: Come back here- oh, forget it. Who the hell ever responds to that one?

[door shutting, running across gravel]

STOKES: Doctor! Where has he wandered off to?

HOFFMAN: There's no time! We have to hurry!

[motor noises, revving engine,]

STOKES: Doctor Hoffman! What has possessed you? Slow down!

HOFFMAN: Chalk it up to the Hippocratic Oath if you want. What doctor has ever dealt easily with losing a patient?

STOKES: You mean… he's going to?

HOFFMAN: Yes…

STOKES: Then why not follow him and restrain the man?

HOFFMAN: That's what I aim to do.

STOKES: But this isn't following him.

HOFFMAN: I know.

[car squeals to halt, running,]

MAGGIE: Doctor Hoffman? Professor Stokes? What in the world—

HOFFMAN: No time to explain. We need you now!

MAGGIE: For what? What's happening?

HOFFMAN: I'll explain in the car.

STOKES: I'm afraid it's a matter of life or death, Miss Evans.

MAGGIE: Life or death? Whose?

STOKES: _Please,_ there isn't much time and the doctor is most determined.

SAM: Here, Maggie. Take your coat. I think you should go with them.

MAGGIE: Pop? Do you know anything about this?

SAM: Aller… vite…

[in the car, revving engine, squealing tires]

MAGGIE: What? What a trick to play on me. Why should I care about Barnabas Collins? That man kidnapped me and then tried to possess my mind.

HOFFMAN: Maggie Evans, as your physician, can you honestly tell me that there isn't a spark of Josette Dupres left in you?

MAGGIE: Enough not to want to be hurt another time. How could I ever forgive him? He never wanted a _real_ woman anyway.

HOFFMAN: You're telling _me_.

MAGGIE: What? Doctor Hoffman… you love Barnabas Collins… too?

HOFFMAN: Oh, Maggie Evans, who around here _doesn't_?

STOKES: Too?

MAGGIE: Why should you do this for me? Why for him?

HOFFMAN: Don't ask me. I'm a doctor, not a saint.

STOKES: Angel of Mercy, more like.

[squealing tires]

MAGGIE: Can't you slow down? Where on earth are we going anyway? You've passed the Old House.

HOFFMAN: To whatever dark shadow of Josette Dupres is left, I ask you, where would anyone go when faced with… _impossible la vie_?

MAGGIE: (inhales) Widow's Hill… Oh…. Doctor Hoffman, go faster!

STOKES: Don't encourage her!

MAGGIE: Watch out for the squirrel!

[squeak]

HOFFMAN: It's all right, I missed him. He's likely a Collins, too, knowing this G.D. TOWN!

STOKES: Doctor! Slow down or _we'll_ go off the cliff!

[rumbling of driving over rough terrain, then car breaks, doors open, rustling footsteps]

STOKES: No, Julia. Wait here. She has to do this on her own.

HOFFMAN: But what if she can't— huh?

STOKES: Stay here, Julia, with me. They have to sort this out for themselves.

HOFFMAN: … Eliot. Is it me, or have _you_ never stopped serving the Collins Family either?

STOKES: Throw out all the speculations you want, Julia… I have a feeling I've been waiting to see this… for a very long time.

[crashing ocean waves, rustling footfalls]

MAGGIE: **_STOP!_**

[grab, ruffle]

BARNABAS: (gasp)

MAGGIE: Don't do it! At least… not yet.

BARNABAS: Would you like to have the honours of pushing me over? You're entitled to it.

MAGGIE: I'm not here to send you to your death.

BARNABAS: No?

MAGGIE: Nor am I here to save your life.

BARNABAS: Well… then… what are you doing here?

MAGGIE: I have one question to ask you, and it is one I have been meaning to ask you for over a century.

BARNABAS: J-?

MAGGIE: Go ahead, say it.

BARNABAS: Josette Dupres?

MAGGIE: Face me, Barnabas Collins. Now answer me, honestly… when you look at me is that _all_ that you see?

BARNABAS: What do you mean?

MAGGIE: You heard me! When you look at me, is Josette Dupres… the only _thing_ you see, the only _thing_ you want?

BARNABAS: (pauses as the waves crash, takes a breath)… no.

[clothing ruffling]

MAGGIE: (breathes heavily) Okay. Then that's what I wanted to know.

BARNABAS: Now… let go of me.

MAGGIE: No. I won't.

BARNABAS: Maggie, how can you? You could never forgive me, nor I myself.

MAGGIE: Oh? You think I'd let anyone jump from this place after what I've been through?

BARNABAS: Why not let me fall?

MAGGIE: It's not the fall that hurts, Barnabas, it's the sudden stop. I know.

BARNABAS: And you think I don't deserve that pain?

MAGGIE: Well, if it's _pain_ that you're after-

[SLAP!]

BARNABAS: (stunned) Maggie Evans!

MAGGIE: (slight sneer) I didn't keep that waitress job without a good right hook! Besides, you're not the only person around here who knows how to _punish_ someone.

BARNABAS: (coughing laugh) Hmm… that says it all. Josette never had such _morbid_ sense of humour.

MAGGIE: Oh? How did you ever know? You never stayed with me long enough to find out.

BARNABAS: Well… would you let me this time?

MAGGIE: (softening) Hmm… Yes… I think… I'd like that.

[smooching sounds, then latter half of "Both Sides Now" by Claudine Longet, or other 60's version]

_Tears and fears and feeling proud,_

_To say "I love you" right out loud_

_Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,_

_I've looked at life that way._

_Oh but now old friends they're acting strange,_

_They shake their heads, they say I've changed_

_Well something's lost, but something's gained_

_In living every day._

_I've looked at life from both sides now_

_From win and lose and still somehow_

_It's life's illusions I recall_

_I really don't know life at all_

_I've looked at life from both sides now_

_From up and down, and still somehow_

_It's life's illusions I recall_

_I really don't know life at all_

* * *

><p>All Due Respect To:<p>

The Kids in The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Addams Family (1960's TV Show)

The Munsters (1960's TV show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

_Well that's about six people and three relationships worked out… now for the rest of them. Yeesh! What a mess!_

_"The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor production"_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Truly, this is the hardest work I have ever produced in my life, in audio, writing, production quality, acting, channeling, studying fandoms, everything, and we have spent thousands of dollars to produce it. The least that can be gained is commentary on enjoyment. The sooner you do so the faster you will get more. Otherwise there is really no reason to share it. Thanks. <em>**


	14. Episode 14: Reunion At The Old House

_Originally published 20 October 2013, then with held from the public due to lack of support and discussion, we have now gained enough support on All Souls' Day 2015 (more than two years later) to bring you this episode. I hope it is enjoyed in either text or audio._

_This one is mostly happy and gushy, but I was chilled by the cane scene that came up. I have trouble believing that it hasn't been thought of before. I also can't remember if something like it was ever in the series, but I'd love it if it was._

* * *

><p><span>The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 14: Reunion At The Old House<span>

[Usual "My name is Victoria Winters" Dark Shadows intro music used for cryptic update]

MILLIGAN: Good evening! And welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I am your host Sir Simon Milligan… though by now you must know me well. And without further adieu I introduce-

[hoots and hollers]

MILLIGAN: Oh, well, I haven't introduced him _yet_!

HECUBUS: Yo!

MILLIGAN: AH! Sheesh! Just scare me, my dominion despot!

HECUBUS: What does that even mean, Master?

MILLIGAN: I don't know and I don't think any of us particularly care.

[Dark Shadows theme music, then back to the previous background music.]

MILLIGAN: Now, what is in the crystal ball of iniquity at this point of our tragic Collinsport happenings?

HECUBUS: Oh, but that is the problem, isn't it Master? Nice things have been happening. Perhaps this is the translucent beclouding that Mr. Roger Collins mentioned when he was the strange catalyst in getting the ball rolling for little Sarah to return.

MILLIGAN: Yes, I suppose there are things about Roger that have changed for the better since he was struck by positive thinking. A far cry from what happened after his phone call with Miss Cleo. Our story has found a wild ride for our hero, Dr. Julia Hoffman, to help rescue our usual damsel-in-distress… Barnabas Collins… with the help of Professor Stokes _and_ his car, to grab Maggie Evans in a successful endeavor to make him a survivor of Widow's Hill. This is a little like an old fairy tale with the genders reversed.

HECUBUS: Yes, Master and I'm sure I don't comprehend the turn of events.

MILLIGAN: Why, my petite abomination?

HECUBUS: After all of that detestable crookedness Mr. Collins had in his treatment of Maggie Evans, how in such turmoil of incidents has she managed to forgive him?

MILLIGAN: Oh… ? what makes you think _she has?_

HECUBUS: Ohhhhhhh! Very dark, indeed, Master! What could that mean?

MILLIGAN: It means that forgiveness is far more complicated than one might at first suppose. The type of forgiveness like the usual children's turbulence upon the playground is a lot simpler. But when one is older, say two-hundred years, and the other isn't but remembers the same person from a previous lifetime, the complexity is thorough. It means that to forgive one must be proven that the person has changed. And her heart has striven her forward to try… and they have spent much time talking and gazing at each other on the davenport before the crackling fireside.

HECUBUS: Oh… how romantic… do you think she will forgive him?

MILLIGAN: Wellll (rubbing hands) perhaps, or perhaps she is in it for the joy of being able to **strike** him some more.

HECUBUS: OH! Dear! Master! That IS evil…

MILLIGAN: And what is worse… he may perhaps… _like_ it! Ah… Well, who wouldn't? At least she'd be touching him. Not that we encourage such behaviour. This _is_ a story after all… Either way I'm pulling for Angelique, of course.

HECUBUS: Master! How could Angelique win him now?

MILLIGAN: HUH! Forget _that!_ I don't want her coupling with _him_! I want _her_ for **myself!**

HECUBUS: Ooooo! Yes, quite the evil one and hot with a brimstone intensity.

MILLIGAN: Hence my point! She could be considered chaotic-evil. With all the damage she's been dealing and receiving she must have about a million hit-points! I do so desire a babe with those odds… Ah… (blots) And as I cool off here, I must now warn our audience that this particular episode will likely be off-putting, as most of our Collinsport residents are exploring a world where they have more or less managed to… _chill-the-heck-out._

HECUBUS: Master? How is that relevant?

MILLIGAN: It is relevant because it was a main purpose in presenting this series from the beginning. The possibility that the usual cruelty could somehow be assuaged and we could see these residents to be as helpful and friendly towards each other as possible. Our start begins at the Old House, where Maggie & Barnabas are sleeping again before the fireplace. However we have another person in the room waiting for either of them to stir back into consciousness. I believe our pseudo ex-vampire is about to receive a shock so strange and delightful that it will shatter his senses.

* * *

><p>[slight paper rustle, pencil scribbling, whistling of some seaman song]<p>

BARNABAS: (waking up, and low gasp) Mister? Mister Evans?

SAM: (low voice) Oh, you're awake. Sarah went up stairs to dust out the chest I brought over. I see you two have had quite an evening.

BARNABAS: (obviously nervous) This isn't what it looks like.

SAM: (light laughter) Ha, Mister Collins, I know exactly what it is and what it looks like. I've been sketching it.

BARNABAS: You've been sketching us?

MAGGIE: (sleeping noises)

SAM: Don't worry. With her using up all that adrenaline, she'll sleep heavily enough. I know my girl. Just stay right there and don't jostle her much. We'll hardly wake her. She's learned to sleep through my snoring.

BARNABAS: My… I'd expect you to have… well … a weapon or something… or perhaps your sketches are meant to incriminate somehow?

SAM: (laughing) Ah, Barnabas Collins, you often did behave as though you had something to hide when you really didn't. You still haven't recognized me, have you?

BARNABAS: (incredulous) You're not Sam Evans?

SAM: Oh, yes, I am … but look closer. My Maggie… well, she's not the only one with a deeper past. Guess it runs in the family.

BARNABAS: I don't… wait a moment… (shocked) Monsieur… Dupres?

SAM: You got it… or at least, some part of him. I'd remembered everything the night you left me that painting of Angelique Bouchard, and if it wasn't for the help of a few friends, she probably would have destroyed me, too. That's why I didn't want that check payable to me, ye know.

BARNABAS: You _know_ everything?

SAM: Mostly. Much of it slipped away the next day, but enough lingered, even information I received during my rather long… _other-worldly_ sojourn. Heh-heh-heh. I see you didn't really have that luxury as I at first suspected.

BARNABAS: So you're… not angry?

SAM: Oh, I admit I was enraged for a good half hour. I was ready to come over here and strangle you with my bare hands.

BARNABAS: Why didn't you? I would have deserved it.

SAM: Good to hear you say that… It was an interesting argument to have with oneself. We all do it, but in this case there was a lot of understanding between such long stretches of time. As Maggie says, different days different ways… Slavery was still legal, transportation was plodding, and who was really getting all their mail? Well, I guess you could ask that now, too. And women… they definitely had little say in a lot of things.

BARNABAS: Oh? Was that all it took?

SAM: Hardly. It was finding out enough about Angelique on the other side that did it. I'd known it while marking up that painting. And… wouldn't you guess? I had to get _just_ as outraged at you as I did at her painting that night… to remember what I knew about her. She's an exalted overachiever for a woman who could drive a man to drink. It wasn't a very nice trick bewitching Josette to elope with your uncle.

BARNABAS: She what? Bewitched her?

SAM: You don't remember that? Ah, I guess you might not. Anyway, that marriage never sat very well with me, then or now. I'm not surprised you shot him. Saved me the bother of doing it myself.

BARNABAS: Heaven and Earth… Are you telling me… you approve of all this?

SAM: More than I would have back then, believe me.

BARNABAS: I do.

SAM: (laughing) Nice choice of words, Mr. Collins. Tell them to her someday. (rises and steps) Now, no need for you to get up. I'd like you to take a peek at this. It may look a little rough, but I thought I might be able to make a small painting from this.

[paper rusting]

BARNABAS: Hmm! I didn't expect to appear so well asleep… Maggie I'd have no doubts about—Sarah? She slept here, with us?

SAM: Touching, isn't it? I don't know if that girl needs any sleep considering what she is, but if not she at least pretended long enough for me to finish her likeness there, almost like a kitten with her arms stretched along your laps.

BARNABAS: You're going to paint this?

SAM: Well, if you'd rather I didn't…

BARNABAS: Mister Evans, I'd rather lose my home before requesting this **not** be painted.

SAM: Heh-heh… I thought so. Beats post-mortem photography, doesn't it?

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: Ah, how a duality of experiences helps us all to adjust. Next we re-meet with Wadsworth &amp; Willie, who've spent the evening together. Not quite an all-nighter, but rather than find a way to return to work, Wadsworth has managed an interesting breakfast by inviting our Willie into the office of Doctor Hoffman where he'd been allowed to remain in the meantime. It is currently somewhat less <em>dusty<em> due to Wadsworth's usual perfectionist habits.

* * *

><p>WILLIE: (laughing) Hey, where's the other flask?<p>

WADSWORTH: (light chuckle) I don't know, I must admit I can only carry about five. Perhaps we can see if the good Doctor has anything else secreted around here.

WILLIE: (laughing) Tell… tell… tell me what the colonel did? Ya didn't finish that part of it.

WADSWORTH: Oh, he… he… he took the whiskey and twirled it over three glasses all at once!

[riotous laughter, knocking on the door, laughter abruptly ceases, door opens]

NURSE JACKSON: E-e-ex_cuse_ me?

[page flipping]

WADSWORTH: (composing himself) Oh, yes, Miss Jackson, just browsing through Grey's Anatomy here… it is erm… quite the proverbial hoot.

NURSE JACKSON: (impatient) Mmm-hmm!

WILLIE: Sorry, Miss Jackson, I know we promised to keep it down. Y'see we have a lot of catching up to do and well… it's nice to visit this room without the doctor in it somehow.

NURSE JACKSON: Well… if you're looking for the brandy, it's empty. With how little Doctor Hoffman uses this office lately it might as well have evaporated… so I took it out.

WILLIE: (trying not to laugh) Oh? Why didn't ya just drink it?

NURSE JACKSON: I did.

[Door shuts, stifled giggling]

WILLIE: (sighs) Well, that's a relief. Who'd a known she'd had it in her?

WADSWORTH: Literally. Now… do you think you can remember how to stuff your hands into trouser pockets after dispensing with that robe?

WILLIE: (sighs) Ah… they ain't gonna let me out.

WADSWORTH: Not if you tell anyone what you'd planned to do. I didn't give you those pieces so you could actually throw them at him.

WILLIE: Wellll, y'said it might be good to get it off my chest.

WADSWORTH: Yes, but not in the manner you had in mind, Mr. Loomis. And certainly not within these walls. Why waste the mileage to bring you back home by making it clear you could stay here?

WILLIE: Hey… ya really think I can come back?

WADSWORTH: Stranger things have happened.

WILLIE: Well, _that's_ the understatement of the year. Eh, you said it wasn't so harsh… but… tell me… there _are_ still spooks, aren't there?

WADSWORTH: I haven't met them all.

WILLIE: Ha! Who could?

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: Goodness! What total depravity! Meanwhile we view our awakened couple along with young Sarah. They are at last transferring items from Josette's crate to the trunk Sam Evans has provided.<p>

* * *

><p>SARAH: Here are some more books.<p>

BARNABAS: Thank you. Hmm, these look well thumbed.

MAGGIE: Oh… my volumes of The Mysteries of Udolpho…

BARNABAS: Ah, so you've read that book?

MAGGIE: A few times, obviously… Didn't you ever read this?

BARNABAS: Oh, maybe once… but-

MAGGIE: I told you. You never knew if I had a sense of the morbid.

BARNABAS: You never cease to amaze me, Josette Dupres.

MAGGIE: (laughing hum) Thanks. You know, we could spend our whole lives remembering those details. I wouldn't mind.

BARNABAS: Nor would I. I believe that's what I'm enjoying the most about this. We seem to find old associations to celebrate in new ways.

MAGGIE: Precisely. I think you were right to try and fix up this old place. If we can make it shine with its old glory, using new things, I may feel very at home… someday.

BARNABAS: Oh?

MAGGIE: Of course. I'm already somebody of old and new. (almost whispering) Oh… my!

BARNABAS: What is it?

MAGGIE: I was just looking over the encyclopedia…

BARNABAS: What disturbs you?

MAGGIE: Well… I had that trouble with the text, remember?

BARNABAS: Did you want me to translate all the F's and S's?

MAGGIE: No… you don't have to… I… well imagine that… I can read this thing now! A-ha-ha!

BARNABAS: (light laugh) Now I _know_ it's you.

MAGGIE: (affected) You know something… I think you do.

[peck-kiss]

BARNABAS: (Oh-so romantically…) Why stop there?

[tumbling carpet noises, and vague kissing noise]

SARAH: You two! It's like I'm not even here.

MAGGIE: Well come down with us, then!

[more tumbling, light laughter]

SARAH: (giggles) Oh… but, I believe you're forgetting something.

BARNABAS: (happily) The three of us together again? What could we be forgetting?

SARAH: Oh, I should have said who.

MAGGIE: (laughingly) Who do you mean, Sarah?

SARAH: That one, you know. The helper.

BARNABAS: That would be you, my dearest one.

SARAH: (lowly) No-o-o… He was… accused of something.

MAGGIE: Of what?

SARAH: About _you_, Maggie.

[silence]

BARNABAS & MAGGIE: (gasping) Willie…

[rushing feet on stairs]

MAGGIE: Pop! Pop!

SAM: Oh, good lord, what could it be _now_? Do you have to go? I told you where the outhouse was.

MAGGIE: No, no… we have to go to Wyndcliff.

[drop of pencil]

SAM: Mag-_gie_! This nut-house-town is good enough for me. There isn't a single medication in the world we could want to end this dream… now that I've finally adopted it.

BARNABAS: It isn't that, Mr. Evans. It's Willie. We need to see him.

SAM: (sarcastically) O-h-h, GOOD! Why don't we go out there, explain all that's been going on around here to him and set him back another _six months_? Great idea!

MAGGIE: Aw, Pop. Do you really want us to walk all the way?

SAM: (resignedly) No… but where is that butler of yours, in fact? Maybe he could take you?

BARNABAS: Ahh… I see… yes… with everything going on his disappearance had become a little unnoticed. I hope he hasn't moved out altogether.

SAM: Well, you could check his room to see if his things are missing.

[rushing feet, door creaking open]

BARNABAS: I don't like doing this but if he's gone we'll know soon enough, I suppose. Hmm… a place for everything and everything in its place… as one might expect with him. Quite a chemistry set, too… And then here…ah-h… ahem… I see.

MAGGIE: (suspiciously) What _is_ that?

BARNABAS: (amused) Perhaps… a little something he removed from the crate?

MAGGIE: (trepidation) T-h-a-t isn't mine… and I have a hard time believing it's his.

BARNABAS: Well, perhaps it's a bit of a memory from an old lady friend.

MAGGIE: Do people normally keep the lingerie of their previous lovers? You tell me.

BARNABAS: Well…

MAGGIE: Really? It's not like I _don't_ want to know… Hmm… well, I suppose everyone has their quirks. Now I understand why you've never bothered coming in here before.

BARNABAS: My dear, Maggie, he has been unbelievably good to me since Willie went away… _and_… I'm not asking any questions.

[steps]

MAGGIE: His things are all there, Pop. I remember him going off with Professor Stokes, though. He might be there but that's not who we're really looking for.

SAM: Maggie, are you sure you want to see that man?

MAGGIE: Pop, I know it's a stretch but I'm sure he was only trying to help me. And if Barnabas is for it too that's good evidence _he's_ changed. Can the muse wait on the picture?

SAM: (sighs) Fine, I was having trouble with that weird little hat of Sarah's anyway.

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And as this strange day continues, Hoffman is also journeying to Wyndcliff via a ride from Professor Stokes. Neither are the wiser of the extras she will meet there.<p>

* * *

><p>[standard background from within a car]<p>

STOKES: Well, long night or no, I am pleased to tell you, it doesn't feel like there has been any long-term damage to the shock absorbers in my auto here. I'd been wondering if that escapade to Widow's Hill would have left the car traumatized.

HOFFMAN: Hmm? Ah, well, after all that, I can hardly allow myself to apologize. Think of what might have happened… or… let's don't.

STOKES: Mmm, agreed… You may have to get that Wadsworth a taxi if he's still there. I don't think I have time to drive him myself.

HOFFMAN: Oh, I'm sure he's gotten one on his own. He can't still be there at this point. (Pleasant sigh and hum)

STOKES: You seem rather fulfilled, Julia. I'd expect you would have been more exhausted from that intense driving last night.

HOFFMAN: Well, saving a man's life? Shouldn't I be pretty relieved as a doctor to do that, Eliot?

STOKES: Indeed. I'd say admirable of you as a woman as well.

HOFFMAN: Oh?

STOKES: Yes, there's something unique about you that I've come to appreciate for some time now. You have a guiding light towards solving a problem. Last night surely should have proven that to you. It certainly did to me.

HOFFMAN: Hmm… are you giving me a compliment… Eliot?

STOKES: A compliment? Truly, you jest! I'm stating an obvious fact. You didn't wait to get that engine started and make sure the only solution available was accomplished. AND you managed to dodge the squirrel on top of all that! That shows a great deal of heart.

HOFFMAN: Thank you… very much. I was getting a little worried no one had noticed.

STOKES: Julia Hoffman, those people love you. Did you see how they looked when we took them home? Those weren't tears of anguish, you know. Also… you might check your files and mail at Wyndcliff. You could find out how much important work you have accomplished and can go on accomplishing without agonizing so much over Collinwood.

HOFFMAN: Really? That's hard to imagine. I got a bit attached to my quarters there, pacing the rooms, trying to sort out some diabolical scheme someone came up with.

STOKES: With all you've done? Those quarters will always be there for you, I have no doubt. I don't believe they'll kick you out of their lives. I know I won't from mine.

HOFFMAN: Why do you say that?

STOKES: Well… not to put too fine a point on it, but any woman with that much dauntlessness certainly wins my… respect.

HOFFMAN: Hmm… well, I suppose what with your clever idea of giving Willie Loomis more to do than build jigsaw puzzles at that place, I have something to believe about you as well in that regard. How did you come up with that?

STOKES: A staggering amount of time grading papers… I noticed that the less confident students improve in other things along with penmanship when they acquire the skill. However, with Willie Loomis, I think the practice could eventually lead into more design work.

HOFFMAN: Oh? What kind of design work?

STOKES: Ah, that is the question, isn't it? I'm not sure if the tales are true, but I have a feeling he's got a penchant for jewelry. … Yes…I know… all right… express your mirth. No need to withhold it. But if he was designing it instead of desiring it, he could be around it all the time in that position.

HOFFMAN: (laughing) I'm not laughing at that. I'm just thinking of how secure all his jewelry could be if he_ had_ really got good at acquiring it by crafty means! He'd know every trick in the book and be able to thwart anyone else that had been as he was… at least I would hope so.

[car comes to halt]

STOKES: Well here we are. Will I be seeing you later?

HOFFMAN: I'd like that. I think there's more reflecting to do and I appreciate your help, Professor. Perhaps we should meet… uh-oh… looks like those two are here… and are going into the Sanitarium with someone else, too.

STOKES: Oh? Well, you better get in there and make sure Mr. Loomis doesn't collapse from the shock. I'll phone you later on.

[car door opening]

HOFFMAN: (hurriedly) Good, good… I'm sure you'll be in suspense to know how strange it gets.

STOKES: Don't forget, Doctor!

[car door slam, motor fading away in the distance]

* * *

><p>HECUBUS: And we join our Entourage For The Preservation of Willie Loomis at the front desk.<p>

* * *

><p>NASALLY RECEPTIONIST: Oh… who? Loomis… well, I'm not sure. Miss Jackson? These guests are here to see the fellow you've been keeping an eye on.<p>

NURSE JACKSON: (welcoming) Oh yes. We've given him some lee way with another guest in Doctor Hoffman's office, which is over— (stunned into irony) Well, all _right_! I guess the lot of _you_ know you're way around here!

[footsteps proceed for few seconds then come to halt]

MAGGIE: (sarcastic sigh) Ah, her office. Another place with lovely memories for me… _ow_.

BARNABAS: Oh! I am sorry, my dear. I suppose my grip with your hand came on too strong.

MAGGIE: (pleasantly) It's all right. I know what you meant by it.

[door opens, stunned silence]

BARNABAS: Ah… Willie Loomis…

MAGGIE: Thank goodness.

BARNABAS: (confused) Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: Yes, sir. Mr. Stokes brought me here to re-acquaint myself with Mr. Loomis and give him certain updates. (surprise) I see things have improved even further than I explained.

SAM: (curiously) Hmm? RE-acquaint?

BARNABAS: It's a long story, Mr. Evans.

WILLIE: (hyperventilating) Oh…oh… This _is_ nuts… her and… and… _him_… holding hands? I _have_ had too much to drink…

WADSWORTH: Or perhaps not enough?

WILLIE: _Darn_ that Nurse Jackson… where's another brandy when ya need one?

SAM: At _last,_ someone is having the right response.

[shuffling, footsteps]

HOFFMAN: (rushing in) Oh, excuse me Mr. Ev-.…. oh… um… so is _everyone_ here?

BARNABAS: We've only just arrived, Julia.

MAGGIE: I wonder how many of us can try to squeeze into this office.

BARNABAS: Doctor… you look somewhat… ruffled…

HOFFMAN: Well, I was over at Professor Stokes last night for a drink and then-

BARNABAS: (voice as of raised eyebrow) Oh? A _great deal_ of unique surprises today.

HOFFMAN: (impatient) Oh- It wasn't like _that_; I just nodded off on the couch.

SAM: Hmm, slept in your clothes? There seems to be a lot of that going on around here.

WILLIE: (under breath) Yer right, Wadsworth. A lot must'a changed. This can't all be yer doin'.

WADSWORTH: (under breath) No, I think there has been a lot of other help involved.

SAM: (impertinent) Did you say something?

WADSWORTH: Just agreeing, sir. I have also had to sleep in my day attire upon the previous evening.

MAGGIE: (shock) With_ him_?

WADSWORTH: Um, no, madam, well, he of course has lived in pajamas most of the time but he likely slept in his asylum vestment.

WILLIE: I _still_ have a hard time figurin' yer talk.

HOFFMAN: (bemused confusion) Well, such a party in my office… I'd look through my mail… if I could _reach_ it between all of you.

MAGGIE: Ah, I see, well I can tell you about this pile… (with listing inflection) a few unopened holiday cards from last year and… (laughing cough) That magazine issue about The Old House… that must have been here a while… and A Penny Saver… Bureau of Medical Economics—

HOFFMAN: (mild annoyance) Nice touch, Miss Evans. Are you going to open and read everything to us after all I've _done_ for the crew around here?

WADSWORTH: (fatigued) I think the only thing you might do for me, Doctor, is a wake up drug. I shan't trust myself to drive in my condition.

HOFFMAN: Well… I don't exactly specialize in pep pills.

SAM: Our town's really put you through the wringer, hasn't it, ol' man?

WADSWORTH: (snorts) Perhaps a bit… but the children were likely the tipping point, sir.

MAGGIE: (steps) Willie? Are you all right?

WILLIE: (softly) Hey… well… y'know… I might be?

BARNABAS: Would you like to come home, Willie? To Collinwood?

WILLIE: Ya… ya… ya really want me back?

MAGGIE : (kindly) If you want to come. You see I understand what you were trying to do and things are different. You might find the work more enjoyable, but no need to start right away, you know.

WILLIE: (incredulous) If I hadn't heard this I'd never have believed it. You both… you all… actually _care_ about ol' Willie Loomis?

BARNABAS: (usual knowing smile) Willie… How could we not?

WILLIE: Really? Well… all this I gotta see.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) I was worried this might happen… I suppose I'll get started on the release papers.

BARNABAS: Thank you, Julia.

HOFFMAN: Well… maybe you can thank me later… if all of this turns out all right.

SAM: (pronouncing) There's a wise woman.

HOFFMAN: (resigned) _Hardly_, Mr. Evans. I may never play cribbage again.

[walks out]

MAGGIE: (brightening) She plays cribbage?

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: Ah, that was a good one. Odd to see them all getting along, isn't it? Though somewhat stunned, we do not have desperate cases of apoplexy as is usually seen by our beloved residents of Collinsport. Willie Loomis is, of course, released and being returned to the Old House with the people he became so destructively involved with. Sadly we must reveal another point of importance and likely dark in a way that is most unnerving to many listeners, but without it, certain acceptances to this tale can hardly be believed.<p>

* * *

><p>[front door closing, shuffling feet]<p>

WILLIE: (under breath) Now?

WADSWORTH: (whispering) Quietly, mind you, let me get them away first. (plain voice) Excuse me, Mr. and Miss Evans. I require you're assistance up the stairs.

MAGGIE: Oh, a few items in the room I'm guessing.

WADSWORTH: Quite. This way, please…

[Sound of three people treading up the stairs]

SAM: Wait… what are you-

WADSWORTH: Please sir, keep your voice down.

MAGGIE: (whispering) What is it, Wadsworth… what are you looking at?

WADSWORTH: (lowered voice) I think they need a moment alone.

SAM: (whispering) Then why are you watching from here?

WADSWORTH: Just in case he doesn't heed my advice.

MAGGIE: Oh, no… not more trouble.

WADSWORTH: I desire not, Miss Evans. We must trust them to work this out.

[Robert Cobert's Original Dark Shadows music of the creepy variety bleeds in]

WILLIE: (gradual rising belligerence) All right, Barnabas… ya may be pleased t'see me and I may be pleased t'see you and I'm glad to be outta that place. BUT… there's something I need to show ya first…

BARNABAS: (patiently) All right… and what would that be?

WILLIE: **_THIS._**

[sounds of several small metal pieces slowly clanking on the floor.]

BARNABAS: (concerned) What _are_ those?

WILLIE: (quietly fuming) Those? Those? _Those _are the pieces of metal they took outta my pummeled, bleeding **back**… _Mister_ Collins… ya know… when the cops shot at me when I went to warn her … and that… a-l-l that metal… all that pain… is WHOSE fault… _whose?_

BARNABAS: (reluctant sigh) Yes… I understand… now… stay right there, I want to show _you_ something. (sound of gripping stick) Do you see this? Not many pleasant memories of it, are there?

WILLIE: (insecure belligerence) No… no… yer no different _at all_… I can see that now… now that I've sassed ya good about that… you're gonna use that on me again, aren't ya?

BARNABAS: (quietly) No… you're going to use it on me.

WILLIE: (flustered whisper) W-what?

BARNABAS: (slowly) Go ahead… take it… _please_…

[sound of hand gripping… long silence… ]

WILLIE: (gasping, riled with emotion) I… I.. I can't believe… impossible. This is impossible… Ya can't be tellin' me ya mean for me to do what ya did to me all that time? No…

BARNABAS: I do. I am meant to feel all the pain I've suffered to others. I understand that now, Willie. If it helps…_ please_… _do it._

[Danny Elfman's "Dark Shadows" opening music bleeds in. Sound of cane hitting the floor… clothing ruffling, tumbling noise]

WILLIE: (fragmented weeping)

BARNABAS: (comfortingly) I know. It's all right.

WILLIE: (weeping) Ya… ya… now I know… now I _know_… ya _have_ to of changed…

BARNABAS: (slowly) Yes… and now_ I _know… that you have.

[Music fades and three massive exhales echo from up the stairs]

WADSWORTH: Mr. Loomis… possibly a better man than I… I might have _done it_.

MAGGIE: Me too.

SAM: Me three.

MAGGIE: (quietly) How did Willie even get the bullet fragments? Wouldn't they be locked up as evidence?

WADSWORTH: Yes… but I have found that your Professor Stokes can be a very persuasive man. I think now that Mr. Loomis has finally had his collapse, I ought to tend to him.

[footsteps on the stairs]

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: Hmm, heavy going. To relieve you of the tension this unfortunately necessary scene may have produced we take you to the main house where a brother and sister are opening their mail.<p>

* * *

><p>ROGER: Well, Liz, I think this piece is for you. Likely an updated passport.<p>

ELIZABETH: Thank you, Roger. (tearing sounds and contemplative pause) You know, your more relaxed attitude has made some distinct changes around here. And likely ones you didn't even know about.

ROGER: (reflective) Ah… good. I've started to realize that considering much of the outrageously bizarre incidents we'd had happen for the worse that were so accepted; perhaps some unbelievable events for the better could be welcomed… however much so many smiling faces can remind me of advertisements.

ELIZABETH: Indeed, (paper rustling, dejected musing) Oh… speaking of smiles… (tsk, tsk, tsk) I'm guessing I didn't give much of one in this photo. _Why_ must these pictures always have to turn out so _unflattering?_

ROGER: Ah, I see what you mean. I'm sure part of it was the hurry you were in to get it done. Passports are, by nature, rare to acquire easily, and expedited ones doubly so.

ELIZABETH: Hah! True… (concerned) Roger, do you ever wonder about David anymore?

ROGER: Hmnn? What if he wasn't mine or something? P'ff! With his resemblance to Father, I've lost my doubts about that. Plus there was something about suspecting Burke Devlin and Laura together that just seemed absurd.

ELIZABETH: (cough) That whole _business_ was absurd… although I suppose how David grows up will be the proof.

ROGER: Oh? Why isn't it a sure thing now?

ELIZABETH: Well, if he turns out rather husky, and then suddenly slims down and gets a pronounced _tan,_ you might have to wonder again.

ROGER: (closed mouth laugh) Nice one, Sister. I almost didn't notice that with everything else going on. On the topic of uncertain relations, where _is_ Cousin Lily, anyway? You two _had_ been inseparable since she got here.

ELIZABETH: Up stairs… she said something about taking Uncle Caleb's advice. He didn't want her to be conspicuous or something.

ROGER: What with _that_ get up, I guess a lot of people would stare.

ELIZABETH: (laughing cough) Or faint. But what I _don't_ understand is how she could have on all that body make-up and it not rub off on anything. How is that even possible?

ROGER: Perhaps it is her natural form or something. I suppose people come in all sorts. You never know. (pleasantly) Hmm-hmm-hmm…

ELIZABETH: What is it now?

ROGER: I'm musing on family ghosts popping up and our finally not getting into a snit or uproar about it. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad before if we'd always been so accepting.

ELIZABETH: Yes, perhaps working with them… wait… _ghosts?_ You mean there's more than one?

ROGER: On this estate? Of course. Oh, wait, you'd been so occupied, I think you hadn't heard about Sarah, did you?

ELIZABETH: (surprise) Sarah? My goodness! This place **IS **busy. Where did you see her?

ROGER: At The Old House. Barnabas was thrilled- er- well, more content, I should say. He didn't seem to care that her and David were jumping on all the beds and getting decisively loud.

ELIZABETH: Imagine… two relations making themselves known at once.

ROGER: Exactly, just think of all the blocked up passages and areas of the house we _don't _use!

ELIZABETH: Perish the thought.

ROGER: Oh… here's a larger envelope (flipping paper and sighing) Ah…haaa… isn't that to cherish?

ELIZABETH: What?

ROGER: (satisfied) It's finally come. My annulment has been verified.

* * *

><p>MILLIGAN: At last, a most encouraging moment. With the removal of adrenaline this event has placed in our hands, we venture once again to The Old House, where Willie continues to make startling discoveries and one of which being most important of all. Wadsworth has carried him to sit before the fire and calm his nerves with the help of an herbal blend of tea.<p>

* * *

><p>WADSWORTH: Mr. Loomis, there's no need to send such a peering wince into the fire like it's betrayed you.<p>

WILLIE: How could he? How could he change like that? I just can't, I just can't figure it out, y'know? I can't see who could've made all of this happen.

WADSWORTH: Well that is the trouble isn't it? Can anything be accomplished by a single individual all alone?

WILLIE: How do ya mean?

WADSWORTH: Why do you think I brought all those people to that house? We needed to band together to confront such an odious man. I'm only grieved it turned out with so many… well… it wasn't all that successful when my thoughts turn to everyone else who perished that night.

WILLIE: Eh, no wonder ya turned inta such a do-gooder. That must'a been heavy on your mind. But ya still haven't told me which one of them did it all.

WADSWORTH: No, I haven't.

WILLIE: Well, after all this time, aren't ya gonna tell me?

WADSWORTH: Does it really matter?

WILLIE: A'course it does.

WADSWORTH: How about If I were sworn by government agents not to tell?

WILLIE: Heh… I could still get it outta ya.

WADSWORTH: But _should_ you, Mr. Loomis? Is trouble all you wish to be capable of?

WILLIE: (arrogant scoff) Ya think yer gonna make a do-gooder outta me?

WADSWORTH: Are you sure you aren't one already?

WILLIE: Nah… uh-uh… it always happens. Somethin' goes sour… it always does. Ya think all this won't crumble before our very eyes sooner or later, Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: I've questioned it. And I won't be surprised if there is further turmoil ahead. However, I believe this place is stronger now than it was and if I have had anything to do with that, it's been worth my stay. Besides, Mr. Collins isn't as dreadful as he was. I saw through it fairly quickly.

WILLIE: How did ya find that out?

WADSWORTH: Too many people cared about him and they weren't all hypnotized. They wanted him to change and he wanted it as well. That's half the battle right there.

WILLIE: Oh yeh? What's the other half?

WADSWORTH: Oh dear… _that_, my old employee, is a rather lengthy story that begins with the letter A.

WILLIE: Hoo- I'm not sure I'm ready to think about any letters today. My hand's already sore from the idea.

WADSWORTH: Well, if you ever wondered why he became so tragic, it might have been for the same reason that you did.

WILLIE: Oh?

WADSWORTH: Yes. You know you've hardly been treated very well and you likely got the idea that such behaviour was both normal and natural.

WILLIE: (darkly) Oh,? _Isn't_ it, though?

WADSWORTH: I suppose in some regard, but my point is, do we really _want_ that?

WILLIE: (scoffing laugh) I getch'ya, I getch'ya. But I ain't convinced.

WADSWORTH: I see, I see, Mr. Loomis. Of course, these things take time.

WILLIE: Anyway… what the heck is that picture Evans is working on?

WADSWORTH: Oh, haven't you seen it? I suppose with this cataclysmic shock out of the way, you might be prepared for another one.

WILLIE: Heh! A shock? This one oughta prove what I been tellin' ya.

[sound of paper rustling]

WADSWORTH: I don't think so

WILLIE: (incredulous) Huh… Now that's just silly. Why would he stick Sarah in there? Must be caught up in wishful thinkin'… them painters.

WADSWORTH: No, Mr. Loomis. She came back to stay for a little while.

WILLIE: (tired laughter) Prove it.

WADSWORTH: You might want to take a peek at what they're all doing up there.

[clank of cup to saucer]

WILLIE: (tiredly) All right.

[steps up stairs, creak of partially opened door]

WILLIE: (stunned) No… no…

SARAH: Hello.

WILLIE: Sarah? It is really… _you_ here?

SARAH: Yes. Do you understand what's happening?

WILLIE: (laughing cough) … yeh… yeh… I think I finally do.

["Sunshine Superman" by Donovan as ending theme*]

_Sunshine came softly through my a-window today  
>Could've tripped out easy a-but I've a-changed my ways<br>It'll take time, I know it but in a while  
>You're gonna be mine, I know it, we'll do it in style<br>Cause I made my mind up you're going to be mine_

_I'll tell you right now_  
><em>Any trick in the book now, baby, all that I can find<em>  
><em>Everybody's hustlin' just to have a little scene<em>  
><em>When I say we'll be cool I think that you know what I mean<em>  
><em>We stood on a beach at sunset, do you remember when?<em>  
><em>I know a beach where, baby, a-it never ends<em>  
><em>When you've made your mind up forever to be mine<em>

_Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm_  
><em>I'll pick up your hand and slowly blow your little mind<em>  
><em>Cause I made my mind up you're going to be mine<em>  
><em>I'll tell you right now<em>  
><em>Any trick in the book now, baby, all that I can find<em>

_Superman or Green Lantern ain't got a-nothin' on me_  
><em>I can make like a turtle and dive for your pearls in the sea, yeah!<em>  
><em>A you-you-you can just sit there a-thinking on your velvet throne<em>  
><em>'Bout all the rainbows a-you can a-have for your own<em>  
><em>When you've made your mind up forever to be mine<em>  
><em>I'll pick up your hand and slowly blow your little mind<em>  
><em>When you've made your mind up forever to be mine<em>

_I'll pick up your hand_  
><em>I'll pick up your hand<em>

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

_The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor production._

*Sunshine Superman was going to represent Barnabas in a later episode, but screw it, Willie, it's_ yours_! You've proven to me in all of this that even you can be groovy, too. Thank you.

_Welcome back, Willie :) Hope I did you some justice._


End file.
